I need a cheerleader by my side…
No judgement and unlimited patience
In whose company I can just go to hide
A high tolerance threshold for all my nonsense

I say this in jest, but hear how hope dies with my tone?
I say it in my head…because out loud, I just feel even more alone

Truth be told, I need you to be my cheerleader
To simply rise to the occasion and somersault me with support
I need you to understand my sadness, my joy… but mostly my anger
In moments like these, I am high maintenance and not a good sport

I have tried to do this on my own
I am not a patient person…not at all
I am my worst enemy…let that too be known
I’ll push myself, if only to make me fall

This is not a luxury, it is a necessity
I cannot breathe, I am fully choking
I am imploding in my own intensity
I have no outlet for my screaming

But I will never ask… not anyone, not you
Because if I do…
That need scurries further into the depths of my soul
Leaves me hungering and turns me into a blackhole

Nothing you do, after I ask
Will ever be enough
And so, I leave you with an impossible task
And how can you give when you don’t know any of this stuff?

Stomach churning
Knee irking
Weight ballooning
Self-confidence parachuting

Day in day out
It's a scream wanting to shout
A mirror wanting to turn away
As I take in what I am in full dismay

**** me, *******, **** me
**** me - anger talking
******* - spite retorting
**** me - desperation joining the party

Technical confusion
Physical contortion
Emotional intrusion
Personal obstruction

And they roll their eyes to the high heaven
Not enough time to deal with the craven
Searching for a misunderstood form of attention
Staring blankly at a familiar scene panic stricken

Eager depression
Making a concession
Slutty self-pity
Throwing itself a party
Where is the intervention
Can someone please stop the obsession?!

Here, there, nowhere, everywhere
Look and you will find anxiety as your au-pair
Babysitting a overactive imagination
Sabotaging a once gentle loving person

I took the test
It was positive
I knew what I had to do
But how... when it is illegal to do..

And who...
Who decided to dictate
What a woman
Could do to her own fate

Please, tell me who...
Who believed themselves better
Than a struggling woman
Having to choose to destroy a part of her

I beg you, tell me who...
Who condescended on the pain
Of an incapacitated, cramping, crying woman
Ejecting blood, tissue, a life in vain

I'll tell you who it wasn't
Certainly not the man
Who said 'let's keep it casual'
And walked away with no future plan

A woman torn and a child unborn
Is a story of intimate pain and private loss
Not a tale of judgement and scorn
Not a law for men to gloss and floss

You were always there, weren't you?
In the background, silent and comforting
A familiar corner I could crawl back to
Whispering, listening, appealing...

You were that shadow that blocked my sun
I thought it was so I wouldn't have to shade my eyes
Turns out it was because you feared your work would come undone
If I realised that lit up eyes could dry up tears and prevent pained cries

And when I lashed out and slashed myself with hate
You engulfed me with your presence and held on strong
You explored my agony, taught me to worship it and cantillate
You imprinted my weaknesses to my identity and redefined where I belong

I sometimes ran from you
Not knowing we were bound by an elastic
Always bound to recoil back to you
Grief only exists as a static

So now I will learn to live with you
Even if I would rather be on my own
There is power in a tag-team of two
If I can learn how not to be alone

Please don't just grow in my pain
Let's learn to live where joy can reign

I don't fear you fiend, friend, Depression
Let's stop pretending you're a figment of my imagination
I'll introduce you to my friends and family, talk about you more
Maybe that's what you've wanted - not to be silenced anymore