I took the test
It was positive
I knew what I had to do
But how... when it is illegal to do..

And who...
Who decided to dictate
What a woman
Could do to her own fate

Please, tell me who...
Who believed themselves better
Than a struggling woman
Having to choose to destroy a part of her

I beg you, tell me who...
Who condescended on the pain
Of an incapacitated, cramping, crying woman
Ejecting blood, tissue, a life in vain

I'll tell you who it wasn't
Certainly not the man
Who said 'let's keep it casual'
And walked away with no future plan

A woman torn and a child unborn
Is a story of intimate pain and private loss
Not a tale of judgement and scorn
Not a law for men to gloss and floss

Stomach churning
Knee irking
Weight ballooning
Self-confidence parachuting

Day in day out
It's a scream wanting to shout
A mirror wanting to turn away
As I take in what I am in full dismay

**** me, *******, **** me
**** me - anger talking
******* - spite retorting
**** me - desperation joining the party

Technical confusion
Physical contortion
Emotional intrusion
Personal obstruction

And they roll their eyes to the high heaven
Not enough time to deal with the craven
Searching for a misunderstood form of attention
Staring blankly at a familiar scene panic stricken

Eager depression
Making a concession
Slutty self-pity
Throwing itself a party
Where is the intervention
Can someone please stop the obsession?!

Here, there, nowhere, everywhere
Look and you will find anxiety as your au-pair
Babysitting a overactive imagination
Sabotaging a once gentle loving person

You were always there, weren't you?
In the background, silent and comforting
A familiar corner I could crawl back to
Whispering, listening, appealing...

You were that shadow that blocked my sun
I thought it was so I wouldn't have to shade my eyes
Turns out it was because you feared your work would come undone
If I realised that lit up eyes could dry up tears and prevent pained cries

And when I lashed out and slashed myself with hate
You engulfed me with your presence and held on strong
You explored my agony, taught me to worship it and cantillate
You imprinted my weaknesses to my identity and redefined where I belong

I sometimes ran from you
Not knowing we were bound by an elastic
Always bound to recoil back to you
Grief only exists as a static

So now I will learn to live with you
Even if I would rather be on my own
There is power in a tag-team of two
If I can learn how not to be alone

Please don't just grow in my pain
Let's learn to live where joy can reign

I don't fear you fiend, friend, Depression
Let's stop pretending you're a figment of my imagination
I'll introduce you to my friends and family, talk about you more
Maybe that's what you've wanted - not to be silenced anymore

Lorenzo is what I call my lupus
Because …. Why not?!
From now on, it’ll be just the two of us
So best commit and tie that knot

Lorenzo was the guy I never noticed
Sometimes trying to give out a sign
And when quiet, never really missed
Resigned to be benign

But every signal missed
Simply lingered and formed a stack
Their evolution was dismissed
So came the revolt…the unprovoked attack

Lorenzo was sad, Lorenzo was mad….Lorenzo wanted to be seen
Depression, anxiety, inflammation - my body on fire
Lorenzo hit and Lorenzo kicked…. I found out he could be mean
Fatigue and ….what was I saying?..panic levels going higher

It took nearly a year but finally I met
him
No longer in shadows haunting my body
Here in the open, Lorenzo didn’t look so grim
Now introduced, it took time but I asked Lorenzo to be my buddy

I asked him to help me know
When what I was doing triggered him
He agreed to be patient and take it slow
He’d stick around and wouldn’t act out on a whim

We sat down in the comfort of our home
I asked him questions he couldn’t answer

Where did he come from?
How long had he been around?
Why hadn’t he wanted to be found?
Did I do something wrong?
Was I going to be sufficiently strong?
Would I ever go back to being fine?

But as he shrugged the questions away
Lorenzo said to me : “at the end of the day
I don’t make you better or worse…
I am with you, for better and worse!”