happier than i can remember
sadder than i can remember being
as the sparrows sit on my windowsill
and sing in dirge
I'll cry with happiness
and mourn with joy

I have what she wants.
It's mine to enjoy.

Somehow I'll make it up to her.
Somehow, repay joy.

My heart is having a hard time staying in my chest where it belongs.
But it can't just keep floating around like this-
soon, it'll run out of oxygen.
Give it a temporary home?
Or maybe not so temporary.
I digress.

I wonder what's for dinner.
I loved that steak we had the other night.
Well, kinda loved. I don't eat much anymore.
Maybe I can finally fit into those Guess jeans since I've lost so much weight.
I mean, it IS picture day tomorrow.
Oh God, what am I going to do with my hair?
I'll curl the top maybe.
She said it looked nice the day I did that.

Ah, can't think about her/it/that.

Do I have any homework left?
I don't think I do....
My planner only lists things due Thursday.
That reminds me, I have to come in early Thursday,
I have to meet with a teacher on the third floor.
That's close to her locker.
Maybe I could say hi.

No, no, no. Concentrate.

Okay, so outfit for tomorrow!
Picture day always comes around so fast.
So I'll wear those jeans- they fit now-
and maybe that white top.
Does it look good?
Maybe I should ask someone.
Her opinion matters the most to me.
What would she think?

No, I'm not going to bother her.

I'm so tired.
Life is just tugging and tugging at me.
I don't even feel like me anymore sometimes.
But I feel more than like myself when I'm around her.
I feel alive.

So just this once, I'll let myself dwell on her a bit.

*It's crazy that it only takes one person to make me feel truly alive.
And that person isn't me.

I won't ask for much.
Just a head to confuse,
a phone to blow up,
a heart to scar,
and a mind to blow.

Nothing crazy.
I want to be in love with you.
I want to fall deeper than I'm already falling.
And trust me, seeing my thoughts as they are now,
that might be an almost impossible feat.
Gravity has nothing on this.

So tell me exactly, when?
Why?
Maybe.....
...please?

What if I were to tell you that what I deserve
makes up only a pinch of
you that makes up
you?

One day, perhaps, I can show you
what exactly it is that makes
you so alluring, so
you.

But until then,
arms. Please.
Only the arms from
you.

Dowse me in the spirit of consciousness
until that inner dwelling where I've chanced to hide
is incinerated with the fire of a billion moons

Until I can forget the hurt I've caused
to a sparkling star
a dying planet
and a lovestruck machine.

Grant me the power to hold in my gloved hand
the ashes of the past
and to further crush them
until they can't infiltrate
the filters within my dreams.

And then, pray give me endurance
that I may learn to dance among the constellations
with the grace of a newborn faun,
to fall and to stumble among the comets
and to learn to love
with the disadvantage
or a hurling meteor.

For what good is there
in claiming to know togetherness
when you live
in a
**BLACK
H
                      O
                            
                                
                               ­           L
                                                    ­                                E

To love is to forget
All the pain that you regret
Every time you let your head
Tear your heart and soul to shreds

Give my heart a flaming rest, set down from up on this pedestal
And away from this oaken throne

Let it drift away on the undulating waves of insanity
And fade into the fogs of memory

Mark it with your own decided determination
And withhold your silken vocal strands from uttering a word towards mine

For who can forget what was never there
And who can regret what was always fair?

You think you know every little crack, every crevice in my soul; yet there is so much of my life’s book that you haven’t read. My hair is a carefully styled mess, strategically placed static, and my lips are what they are- lonely. Sometimes I think you wonder about who I am, my origins; I can’t say that I don’t either. How’d I end up as such as mistake? You love me for what you say are perfections, yet you see not the real me, you see the front I put up, my acting. How can one be addicted to a person who doesn’t even know themself? Yet loving you makes me want to learn.

We both **** the life, the very being from each other; yet it is still not enough. I want to hook myself to you like an IV, to pull the gold running through your veins into my conciousness and let it light me. If there was a way to evaporate your essence and save it in a bottle for later, I’d be the scientist who discovered the way to do it. The very scent of you carried on the air from yards away is enough to register me for a few centuries in an asylum. You say you don’t even wear cologne, and I understand it. You wear yourself, a fragrance I wish I could rub all over myself every second of every day, every time I curl up in a ball on my bed after you drive home at night, wondering why it is you can’t just stay.

You belong to the road, you’ve sold your soul to the feeling of the wind in your hair. I can’t break your contract with independence, but I can tag along for the ride. Seeing you so happy, getting your racer’s tan, blaring the radio until the speakers want to scream. Why can’t I partake in your happiness? I wish there was a way for us to share the love for the world that you have; in its’ place in my mind is loathing. The only reason for living I have is you- and all I ask of you is to answer this one question; how have you fallen for this fallen angel, the outcast of society, the girl whom everyone forgot to remember and who you didn’t remember to forget?