It’s not working out.
How do I break up with myself?

We walk around
“Seemingly okay”

It’s always hurting
I don’t even know what it is

I hesitate because I know I would succeed if I attempted it
I’m still here
Waiting.
For what?

Nowhere to be and no one to see

I long to be close to you
A feeling that will never be reciprocated

Was it a mistake?

I’m having imaginary conversations with you in my head
It’s the only place you actually care about what I have to say

My mistake is thinking that everyone has a  heart as caring as mine

I feel relieved that you proved me right

Act and react to me.

You wrote about her...
You wrote about me...
I know you’ll write about a future her...
I pray my heart is strong enough for whenever that will be...

Yes, I know
It’s happening again
The familiar feeling of locking my heart away another level deeper
The absence of the familiar pain startles me
I know I’ll feel it all later
Compounded

You can’t be everything to everybody
To some people, you’re nothing

I split up the actual story between two friends
One gets the feelings
One gets the why

I miss who I thought you were
I miss who I made you out to be in my head

It doesn’t feel good pretending you’re not my boyfriend
It doesn’t feel good pretending I don’t care

It’s hard getting you in such small doses
I’d almost rather not enjoy you at all

I am nothing.
Not even enough to be an afterthought

Your silence. . .
My answer.

It’s too much
It was all entirely too much

It’s killing me to be there
Day after day
Would it **** me to leave?

I miss you.
I hate that I miss you.

Thinking about you is so painful
I’d rather just die

I want nothing more than to see you
but...
Seeing you is getting harder and harder to bear

Why do I choose to torture myself?
Why do I try to convince myself you’re any good for me in any way?

I wonder about what broke you
I know a piece of it lies in our pasts that are awfully intertwined
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you
I should have told you
If I could go back,
I’d tell you in a heartbeat
You make my heart beat
You make my heart race

When I’m with you
When we’re together
When your hands are on me
I have to pretend I’m not addicted to your touch
I have to pretend I don’t miss it every day

No answers
No reasons
No resolve
Just
Nothing

I get your rotten, maggot filled scraps
I settle for them
Because they’re yours

I give up.
I tell myself for the millionth time

I couldn’t save you.
That destroyed us.

Things never happen how you want them to but they always happen how they’re supposed to

Two days ago everything was so different
Now I’m dreading seeing you at work again

You
Dismissive
Me
Free falling in limbo

I’d like to think I’m special
Something tells me I’m not

You.
Me.
Us.
My fervent secret
I love it

Your condition
Darkness for a month
Only letting in the smallest beam of light for a few days
I’ll wait a lifetime for your light

Your unique rhythm
Took me four months to decipher it
I could listen to it for an eternity

All we do now is write poetry about each other.
I wonder how you would feel if you knew that all I can focus on, is our past.

You make me feel like everything I ever say is wrong

You’re hurting me
And you don’t care
Because you don’t know
I’m hurting me by not telling you

The wondering is killing me
Should I tell you how I feel?
Regardless of how I know you feel
Would knowing you don’t like me hurt?

Am I stupid for feeling anything for you?
Do you have any feelings?
Do you feel anything for me?

Why are you all I can ever think about?

Instant fear
Panic
You won’t want anything to do with me after you see her
It’s not fair
I’ll be discarded

Fate
Destiny
Luck
What brought us together after 7 years?

Your mind is a minefield
I tiptoe around the danger

My feelings will always be unrequited
My heart quietly breaks because of you
Longing to be yours
It’s fine

Every day I sit and stare
Letting the pain from our memories wash over me
And the seemingly endless tears fall