Moderately here

I can’t imagine you saying you want me
But there’s nothing more I want in this world

Can I kiss you again?

My thoughts are an inconvenience
I am inconvenient

I guess...
We’re over?
It was nice to feel wanted
While it lasted

People hit their quota of sadness
I just have to pretend to be okay

I should’ve pulled that trigger when I was fifteen
Saved the world from future me
All of the insecurities I wouldn’t have had to express
Saved eyes from seeing my Frankenstein nakedness

Last night marks the second time I’ve dreamt about us kissing
What does it mean?
I thought I wanted someone else
Is my soul not intertwined with his?
I’m terrified to love again
I can’t
Maybe just in dreams...

You’re taking up too much space in my mind
I know I’m not occupying any in yours
I have to delete you

I’ve never seen inconsolability until today

I’m a twisted, broken, petrified tree inside
Just waiting for a stiff breeze to knock me over

The sameness is suffocating

I fix the outside
There’s no hope left for the inside

I have so many questions
I know I’ll never get any answers from you

I caress the bottle
My most precious possession
My way out

The thought of you a few towns over, thinking about me,
It’s almost too much for me to take in
What do you want from me?

I can’t let you control me
I’m halfway pretending it didn’t happen
Any of it

I’m putting on a brave face
As your hand moves to my waist,
Down...
To my hip.
The left...
Scarred from Halloween twenty fifteen
Your left arm on display
My cuts
Left unseen

Why do you change your mind?
I fall right back in every time
It’s breaking what little of my heart I have left

You are the last thought in my head before I drift to sleep
You are there in my dreams, with your smile that makes my knees weak
You are my first thought as my eyes flutter open

If I stop for a second to think about what you said, my brain instantly goes manic

Dried tears on my face
Again

This feeling is what I stay alive for
You and me, in the backseat, laughing, listening to music
So simple
So euphoric to me
And then,
Sealing our goodbye with real life hugs and kisses

You’re unlike any person I’ve ever known
Please let me know you fully

I am water
One little drop
Unassuming
As an ocean
Deadly

You chose me
And you keep choosing me
It makes me feel special
I don’t want you to get bored

I’m hopelessly too far in
The only way out is exceptionally painful

I get bits and pieces
And only sometimes
I want the whole thing
All of you
In your entirety

An overwhelming feeling to leave
Sixteen minutes in
If this feeling persists
Another **** to my collection
Smaller than yours but,
Still more in addition.
Reading your poems about her,
I’m erased.
Will I ever tell you how diminished they make me feel.
You have to know I read them.
Suicide. Self inflicted.
Today, I’ll win an Oscar.

The Jekyll and Hyde we are at work still shocks me

Especially experiencing the ferocity that your hands race over my body with when we’re alone

I can’t sleep
It’s you
Yet again
Flooding my already drowning mind

Making myself miserable
My own closely guarded secret
Anything for you
Make it better by making me feel worse

Some nights I’m scared to sleep
he still haunts me

I want something very direct, very concise
Black and white
You’re all grey
Leaving me in a fog

It’s so hard seeing you four days in a row
Pretending like nothing is happening
Pretending I don’t know what you taste like
Pretending I haven’t felt your weight on me
Pretending you never held my hand
Pretending the looks you give me don’t hold any special meaning
I want to see you on the other three days
Just once
Take pity on me
Just once
I need you to want to see me

The transparency I can see your intentions with has no meaning to me
What am I doing to myself?

I wish you would hold me
I wish you got butterflies when you saw me
I wish I could tell someone
...about you

Special talents:
Making something out of absolutely nothing

I liked you more before I gave you what you wanted

Don’t accuse me of not mourning our relationship by not crying.
You eviscerated my heart.
Love and fear will be forever vying.
Between her legs you faltered.
You left me to self partner.

I’m only your convenient thing
I’m your afterthought
You call when you’re bored
I race to your beck and call
My heart mistakes the physicality for romance
My head knows it means nothing to you

I’m so used to torturing myself, I don’t know how to live otherwise

My hands are lonely
They will only ever hold each other

I want to go somewhere
I want to do something
I want to be somebody

There’s no closeness
Even after our bodies have shared the ultimate closeness
Why are you so far away?
Even when you’re right next to me

The good days just make the bad days that much worse

I’m tired of this chapter
It’s killing me
Each day is more suffocating than the last
Can I skip to the end?

Nighttime
Quiet
All my demons bombard me at once
Restlessness
Noise
Endless noise
Turned up to eleven

Writing is my only happy place now
You’ve permeated every other medium

At least I’m getting something
I know it’s actually nothing