Wide awake with worry

I couldn’t save you.
That destroyed us.

Why does it feel like something is happening?
Something...
Starting
Again
I feel the thing I don’t want to feel
I lose everyone I feel for
How do I tell him that?

That’s the only way it could ever happen-
A dream or a movie
Either way, not in this life or any other

I don’t bother you about it because it seems to be the last thing on your mind
I, seem to be the last thing on your mind

Nothing means anything
To
You

Coming to the realization that no matter what I do or how I act or how I look or what I say
You won’t even remotely like me
Is
Gut wrenching
Earth shattering
Heartbreaking ...to say the least
I can’t make you like me
I’m not for you
No matter how badly I want to be

Your mind is a minefield
I tiptoe around the danger

How do you make me feel better and worse at the same time?

I don’t need anyone
I just want you

It’s excruciating to just see you
I need to feel you

We’ve skipped a few steps
Now we’re in limbo

It’s okay, I wouldn’t want to hang out with me either

Don’t accuse me of not mourning our relationship by not crying.
You eviscerated my heart.
Love and fear will be forever vying.
Between her legs you faltered.
You left me to self partner.

Who is she?
What’s her name?
What was she like?
Did she always say the right thing?
Why do you still love her?
Why can’t you love me?

I get your rotten, maggot filled scraps
I settle for them
Because they’re yours

Who else do you talk to?
Are you making an emotional connection with them?

Two days ago everything was so different
Now I’m dreading seeing you at work again

My soul has been through enough
You might disintegrate it entirely

Every guy sees my soul
Every guy...except for you

All we do now is write poetry about each other.
I wonder how you would feel if you knew that all I can focus on, is our past.

You noticed my piercings
I, noticed you

The thought of you a few towns over, thinking about me,
It’s almost too much for me to take in
What do you want from me?

I’d like to think I’m special
Something tells me I’m not

Life is too extreme for my delicate, tender sensibilities

Please come visit me in my dreams tonight

It won’t hurt my feelings
I don’t have any left

Why do I choose to torture myself?
Why do I try to convince myself you’re any good for me in any way?

I give up.
I tell myself for the millionth time

Without planning or words, you crossed the threshold
I, closed my eyes and surrendered to your kiss
An explosion of bliss

You’re taking up too much space in my mind
I know I’m not occupying any in yours
I have to delete you

I’m struggling
But I can’t tell anyone.

Your validation feels like what I’ve needed my whole life

You don’t think about me at all
It should hurt more
But it’s what I expected

Why are you all I can ever think about?

I want to know what’s in your head
I want to matter that much to you

I need a sign
Beyond any shadow of a doubt

I’m going to bed
With you on my lips

I’m closer to thirty
Not thriving or flirty
A movie you enjoyed.
I thought it would be you,
I got up that night from your second couch,
The thought of asking you to dance flew through my hazy mind
At the last second the music changed,
Almost as if, arranged
By a higher power
One that knew our doomed future
One that knew, you would leave me with wounds that could never be fixed with sutures
I’m still dance less
Maybe, in an alternate universe, the right guy would finally walk up to me, hand outstretched, and ask me
I, in turn, would say yes
Instantly hexed

You make me feel like everything I ever say is wrong

It hurts so much more knowing I’m being purposefully ignored

The pain is more than a frequent visitor now
It’s a permanent tenant

My head and heart are strangers now

I’m not what you want
It hurts
Especially when I know I’m what other guys want
But I just want you

Seeing you waiting there
For me
Nothing compares

You’re hurting me
And you don’t care
Because you don’t know
I’m hurting me by not telling you

I miss having someone to make plans with
I miss having a date to look forward to
I miss the routine of a relationship
I don’t miss the raw agony they always end in

You
Dismissive
Me
Free falling in limbo

Why keep pretending I could be a fraction of anyone you’d actually want
We should just end whatever this thing we’re doing is

The loneliness is killing me but,
Why do I prefer to be alone?