My mistake is thinking that everyone has a  heart as caring as mine

I’m having imaginary conversations with you in my head
It’s the only place you actually care about what I have to say

Was it a mistake?

I long to be close to you
A feeling that will never be reciprocated

Nowhere to be and no one to see

I hesitate because I know I would succeed if I attempted it
I’m still here
Waiting.
For what?

It’s always hurting
I don’t even know what it is

We walk around
“Seemingly okay”

At least I’m getting something
I know it’s actually nothing

Writing is my only happy place now
You’ve permeated every other medium

Nighttime
Quiet
All my demons bombard me at once
Restlessness
Noise
Endless noise
Turned up to eleven

I’m tired of this chapter
It’s killing me
Each day is more suffocating than the last
Can I skip to the end?

The good days just make the bad days that much worse

There’s no closeness
Even after our bodies have shared the ultimate closeness
Why are you so far away?
Even when you’re right next to me

I want to go somewhere
I want to do something
I want to be somebody

My hands are lonely
They will only ever hold each other

I’m so used to torturing myself, I don’t know how to live otherwise

I’m only your convenient thing
I’m your afterthought
You call when you’re bored
I race to your beck and call
My heart mistakes the physicality for romance
My head knows it means nothing to you

I liked you more before I gave you what you wanted

Special talents:
Making something out of absolutely nothing

I wish you would hold me
I wish you got butterflies when you saw me
I wish I could tell someone
...about you

The transparency I can see your intentions with has no meaning to me
What am I doing to myself?

It’s so hard seeing you four days in a row
Pretending like nothing is happening
Pretending I don’t know what you taste like
Pretending I haven’t felt your weight on me
Pretending you never held my hand
Pretending the looks you give me don’t hold any special meaning
I want to see you on the other three days
Just once
Take pity on me
Just once
I need you to want to see me

I want something very direct, very concise
Black and white
You’re all grey
Leaving me in a fog

Some nights I’m scared to sleep
he still haunts me

Making myself miserable
My own closely guarded secret
Anything for you
Make it better by making me feel worse

I can’t sleep
It’s you
Yet again
Flooding my already drowning mind

The Jekyll and Hyde we are at work still shocks me

Especially experiencing the ferocity that your hands race over my body with when we’re alone

I get bits and pieces
And only sometimes
I want the whole thing
All of you
In your entirety

I’m hopelessly too far in
The only way out is exceptionally painful

You chose me
And you keep choosing me
It makes me feel special
I don’t want you to get bored

I am water
One little drop
Unassuming
As an ocean
Deadly

You’re unlike any person I’ve ever known
Please let me know you fully

This feeling is what I stay alive for
You and me, in the backseat, laughing, listening to music
So simple
So euphoric to me
And then,
Sealing our goodbye with real life hugs and kisses

Dried tears on my face
Again

If I stop for a second to think about what you said, my brain instantly goes manic

You are the last thought in my head before I drift to sleep
You are there in my dreams, with your smile that makes my knees weak
You are my first thought as my eyes flutter open

Why do you change your mind?
I fall right back in every time
It’s breaking what little of my heart I have left

I can’t let you control me
I’m halfway pretending it didn’t happen
Any of it

The thought of you a few towns over, thinking about me,
It’s almost too much for me to take in
What do you want from me?

I caress the bottle
My most precious possession
My way out

I have so many questions
I know I’ll never get any answers from you

I fix the outside
There’s no hope left for the inside

The sameness is suffocating

I’m a twisted, broken, petrified tree inside
Just waiting for a stiff breeze to knock me over

I’ve never seen inconsolability until today

You’re taking up too much space in my mind
I know I’m not occupying any in yours
I have to delete you

Last night marks the second time I’ve dreamt about us kissing
What does it mean?
I thought I wanted someone else
Is my soul not intertwined with his?
I’m terrified to love again
I can’t
Maybe just in dreams...

People hit their quota of sadness
I just have to pretend to be okay

My thoughts are an inconvenience
I am inconvenient