It hurts

Even after all this time
After telling myself I'm fine
It still hurts

I still feel it in my heart
Emotions out of my control
Tearing my apart
Taking its toll

Why do I still feel this way?
Why do I still care?
Maybe I need more apathy
Maybe this isn't fair

Go away
                                                            ­                                           (Don't go)
I don't want you
                                                             ­                                      (I need you)
I hate you
                                                             ­                                       (I love you)
I'm fine
                                                            ­                                       (I'm broken)
I'm strong
                                                          ­                                            (I'm weak)
Don't worry about me
                                                              ­                   (Please care about me)
I don't want your help
                                                            ­                             *(I need your help)

How long have I been broken for
Can I even be fixed?
When did this all start
Or have I always been this?

Still here, still alive
Still not happy
Still can't cry

Still here, still alive
Still no meaning
Still can't try

Still here, still alive
Still dead inside
But still can't die

Finding a reason to live is hard
When the weight of it all can leave you scarred
Happiness is often just a dream
One that some people can't quite gleam

Life may have its ups and downs
Sometimes it feels like we're going to drown
But through it all, we must carry on
As time passes, we'll find a new dawn

I am but a fool
My heart, your play tool
But I'm not going to cry
No need to apologize

Should've kept my heart more closely guarded
Instead of letting it be bombarded
With emotions I cant control
I should have closed my heart and soul

As time passes on I will understand
And I hope we can carry on as friends

I don't know how to express myself
Is this love or something else?
Its hard to tell how I feel about you
Or know how you feel about me too

My heart is so easily fooled
Been burned before, played like a tool
Maybe I'm just being stupid and obsessive
The things I feel are a little excessive

My day's a little brighter whenever you're near
But to break my heart again is my biggest fear
Whatever this is, I'll keep coming back
Even if it makes my heart turn black

What if I told you I wanted to die?
To end my life early by my own hand

What if I told you that when everyone who cares about me
Passes away or forgets about me
I would simply fade away

Is it wrong of me to think this? Selfish?
Perhaps I only say this as an excuse to not try in life
To not attempt to make something of myself

I know that I could, but...
I continuously use the excuse that it doesn't matter...

What if, for once, I wasn't afraid to try?

Sea, sky, trees, wind
Sadness, sorrow, darkness within

No matter how peaceful my surroundings
I can't seem to shake this feeling
No matter how many people love me
I still feel like a burden

I know others have it worse than me
So why do I still feel this way?
What does it take for me to truly be...

Happy

To find peace, be motivated
To live life to its full potential
To break free of the shackles that bind me
And start everything anew...




What does it take?

I want to write, but I don't know how
Nothing comes to mind, not a single word nor vowel
I look inside myself, but I cant feel a thing
Just overbearing loneliness eating me from within

So hard to write when I don't know how to feel
These wounds from the past that just wont heal
Eating me from within, torn up by guilt
Tearing down the emotional walls I've built

If people knew my secret, they'd see me as a monster
I'd lose it all, my pride and my honor
Should I just leave this world, quit while I'm ahead?
Maybe you'd all be better off if I was dead

Someone like me doesn't deserve to live
The things I've done, no one can forgive
So why am I still here? Why do I exist?
What reason is there for me to persist?

Someone please help me set free
The poet that resides within me
It's so hard to put my thoughts to pen
Even if I can now and then

All I can do is write from the heart
But it's difficult to know where to start
When I lack the creative spark
And its tearing me apart

So I fall back on these rhyming tools
Play the fool, trying to be cool
It's hard to write poetry
When I cant even see
What's inside the real me

I'm waiting for someone to start my fire
To spark the flame of my desire
To banish these dark and cloudy skies
Full of self hate, loathing, and lies

Someone to sit with me near the fireplace
To hold me in their loving embrace
To whisper sweet nothings in my ear
Words like "I love you" that I never hear

But I'm afraid of what i might gain
So I'll spend my days alone, in pain

Why do we exist?
That is for you to decide
But still, I don't know

Once again, i fade away into darkness
My confidence, shattered
My hope, lost
My motivation, gone
What remains of me?

I sink back into the comforts of depression
A friend i know all too well
Loneliness and numbness consume me again
As i fade away for the final time
With one last word: Goodbye

Sleep, sleep, come to me
Fill my mind with pleasant dreams
Dreams of happiness and glee
Sleep, sleep, set me free

Sleep, sleep, bring me dreams
Dreams of peace and harmony
With a soothing melody
Sleep, sleep, sweet dreams

Beautiful poems abound
Literary sounds
Maybe one day i can write
Not out of hate, sadness or spite
But out of love

Love for the world around me
Love for those who are dear to me
Maybe even for my enemies
But most importantly
Love for myself

Until that day comes, all I can do
Is write this poem, from me, to you

I **** at this thing
I can't do haiku's at all
Oh wait, i did it

I am a blank slate
What colors will you paint?
Will it be of beautiful flowers
Or will you abuse your power?

I am a blank slate
Will you give or will you take?
Will you fill my life with joy
Or will you use your power to destroy?

Whatever it is you choose to do
I am influenced by you

Darkness
Loneliness
Numbness
My world is filled with gray

The sun rises
A brilliant flash of light
Fades away to vibrant colors
Maybe...this is ok?

The sun sets
Darkness returns again
Loneliness returns again
The numbness returns, again

And yet, I won't give up
The sun will rise another day

A realisation
What really matters
To be all but a cog in the machine
That is society everbroken
Neverending cycle, repeating
Same set of commands
Over and over

Why are we here?
For what purpose?
What difference will we make?
Will we have any impact on the future?
In 100 years? 1000?
For the generations to come?
Why do we exist?