I apologize to the girl I pushed down accidentally when we were playing tag.
It wasn't my intention to make you fall.

I apologize to the girl who asked me out in high school who I left without saying a word.
It wasn't my intention to lead you on.

I apologize to the guy who always hated me in middle school.
I must have done something wrong for which I cannot remember.

I apologize to my mother for being born.
It's obvious after your first you never wanted a second.
And if you did, you never acted that way.

I apologize to my friend's parents for everytime I walked downstairs and caused the dog to bark.
In the middle of the night when I had stomach pain and needed a warm rag or some pills from the bathroom.
Whenever I went to get something out of the fridge to heat up or go outside to get to work.
Whatever the reason I felt like a burden to the point where I would often go without food and just keep the silence.
Sometimes I would leave the house and get back hours later so the tension wouldn't be there.

I apologize to the kid in middle school who always had other kids saying nasty things about you behind your back.
I never tried to help in anyway possible.
I didn't know how or what to say.

I apologize to all my relatives who have passed away who I couldn't even shed a tear for.

I apologize to many of my friends who I haven't spoken to in years.
I have a hard time speaking my mind.
Thinking that everything I could say would just be a waste of time.

I apologize to all the plants I forgot to water.
I shouldn't have tried to take care of anything when I have a hard time taking care of myself.

I apologize to the pine tree.
That grew from an acorn I planted in a planter box that grew to be three times taller than me.
And you inevitable had to be cut down because your roots broke the planter and made a crack in the garage door.
That was my fault not yours.

Thou were warned,
how to be saved.
Empty hallways echo as the ****** scream.
Seldom escape this place.
Oblivious,
unexpected and
left behind.
Striked and burned.
Accused and forgotten.
Retort.
Entanglement.
Odors seep through the cracks.
Underground lies the truth.
Realm of the dead.
Search and you will find.
Together or alone.
Open the door.
Key of the keep.
Embodiment of anger.
Extricate yourself if you dare.
Plagued by regret.

The one who once smiled.
Now no longer, only frowns. Asking
me why he can't be.

Deep down in the cave.
On the walls displayed
was a message engraved.
Of the people betrayed.
Many were enslaved.
Looks of dismay.
They needed a way.
To see a world that wasn't so gray.

Special in winter,
particular' you and I,
intertwined perfect.

In front of me is a wall.
I know not how tall it is.
Nor can I see or feel it.
Yet I can sense its presence.
It follows me everywhere I go always one step in front of me.
It has been there ever since the day I was born.
I just didn't realize until I did.
It is the main cause of all my pain, suffering and lack of motivation.
It is seemingly unbreakable.

Blame all your problems on me.
Regarding your empty sea.
Often letting go without care.
Keen to surmise when not being fair.
Entranced in your little fantasy.
Never thinking naturally.
Admitting you were wrong would be a start.
Nothing is wrong in your heart.
Dabbling in your sick and twisted ways.
Always expecting me to be the one who obeys.
Favoring your pills over your flesh and blood.
Rambling in pain only wanting to be loved.
Acting like all is well.
Immune to your false tell.
Drifting far away from this dark haze.

Secret message: Broken and afraid.

If I had to describe life in three words.

Pain and distractions.

Tinder burns bright.
Hunker down by the hearth.
Effortlessly the sun heats the snow from above.
Spring brings the end of winter.
Opening flowers bloom red like magma.
Nothing but plants sprout like spaghetti.
Searching with sound the wind blows mean.
Heated and dry the sun scorches with new fruit ripened.
Intertwined rivers crash rocks together.
Nature changes leaves auto.
Empty branches sway on the hilltop.
Seasons repeat as the world ages.

I wake up in bed
but I'm still in a dream.
Trying to excape,
what I just can't face.
I'm trapped in my head,
where everything is not what it seems.
It feels so real these words take shape.
Not sure what to make,
of this one-two mistake.
Trying to erase,
the times I couldn't be brave.
When I couldn't save,
the me I couldn't become.
When I was just too young.
I couldn't understand.
Why.
It was already too late.

Walking through this empty field.
Can anything be unearthed?
Needing to yield.
This unending hurt.
When will these wounds seal?
This thing I see.
Can this even be real?
Is this really a part of me?
Who will listen to my ordeal?
Trying to make a plea.
I wish to just heal.
And live a life I can't foresee.

Way 1.
In your eyes
I am
a shadow.
I live
without reason.
You see nothing.
A blank space
that passes you by on the way
to die.
There is nothing left.

Way 2.
In your eyes
you see nothing.
I am
A blank space.
A shadow
That passes you by on the way.
I live
to die.
Without reason
there is nothing left.

I am (A)
in another world, (B)
welcoming what will come. (A)
Never not afraid of (B)
asking myself if I am (A)
often changing while (B)
stuck in place. (A)
Later down the road I may be (B)
obsolete in many ways and potentially (B)
out of control. (A)
Not sure if I will ever be alright. (B)
Never aware that I was clinging to see the future (A)
clearly while having to (A)
grieve day to day with the little I was given to work with. (B)
Every time I can't decide (A)
each and every lie I will tell (B)
so I can understand why I (A)
really don't know me. (B)
Obvious mistakes I (A)
know I will (B)
make time and time again. (A)
Nothing is (B)
ever (A)
over. (B)
Often I (A)
wish I knew why (B)
now was (A)
everything I've (A)
never (A)
wanted. (B)
Hoping I will Find someone who's not me. (B)
Obtaining my seemingly (B)
erased motivation (A)
is the reason I will (B)
wander (A)
aimlessly. (B)
Marching ahead until the end. (B)

We wander
in the darkest nights,
searching for light.
Aimlessly we walk,
finding nothing.
In the light
of the century,
we hope
we don't give up.
And still we continue onwards.

Way 1:

I am
afraid
of changing.
For the unknown,
I know
a ghost
of living.
Without time
I am not aware,
why I am here.

Way 2:

I am
A ghost
Afraid
Of living.
Of changing
without time.
For the unknown
I am not aware.
I know
why I am here.

Sometimes I wish I
could run away from my mind.
I might not be fine.

Any longer, don't
think I can get stronger.
I can't find my shine.

This really isn't
fair to you. I shouldn't make you
go, you don't have to.

Stay here all night long.
In my arms I'll embrace you.
Holding you so tight.

As I look into the mirror
I see a world that wasn't meant to be.
A place in which I can't understand.
Fingers without hands,
a one man band
and a mountain of sand.
A world not so bland.
Time just stops,
a door unlocks.
Hopscotch in the rain,
with water flowing down the drain.
Anything but mundane.
A walk in the park
without light in the dark.
A world with no unease
where no one disagrees
but no one sees.

Shining in your eyes.
Sparkling forever so bright.
On this moon lit night.

Way 1:
You are
My love.
You grip
My heart.
I live
a dream.
In the past
my enemy
is dead.
My soul
has torn.
A lie
has formed.
I saw you.

Way 2:
You are
my enemy.
My love
is dead.
You grip
my soul.
My heart
has torn.
I live
a lie.
A dream
has formed.
In the past
I saw you.

Nothing shown.
Ordinary at best.
Ready to begin.
Easily unseen.
Sometimes ignored.
Often confused.
Little known.
Very vexing.
Ending undone.

Rain drip
drops.
Next to the window sill,
is the spider spinning its silk.
Near the pond
housed is the fairy and her wand.
A maze of corn.
Shinning down the sun is warm.

Have to let go, one day.

Hey girl in the classroom, who was sitting across the table, staring in my eyes.
Seeing past my disguise.
Talking with you was my prize.
If only I hadn't had so much doubt.
I would've asked you out.
If I had just known how.

I was too young, too dumb to understand just how much you meant to me.
Wish I could've done more for you.
Always saw you looking blue.

I still remember that first day.
You showed me the way.
You let me in.
I'm here now wondering how you been.
I didn't love you then.
But it didn't take long.
Is that wrong?

Had to get this weight off my shoulder.
Maybe we can see each other again when we are older.
I had a dream about you sitting across that table staring at me.
Nothing on my mind.
Although I think about you all the time.

I sometimes have long sleepless nights.
Is that you thinking of me?
Or just what I want it to be?
Wish I had only just asked you out.
If only I had no doubt.

Love will forever be my greatest distraction.

Do not bother to mourn.
Just to warn,
I wouldn't be able to.
I was residue.
Left behind long ago of the person I never knew.
I don't want a casket.
I don't need to be remembered.
Don't bury me in the ground,
Don't burn my bones.
Just throw me in the woods.
Let my body be scattered,
and governed
by nature,
not man.
Let me be free,
in mind
and spirit.
I don't need to be lined with gold
or food
or momentos.
I want to forget the past and move on.

You said it would get better.
I saw what you wrote in your letter.
I knew you couldn't forget her.
She never knew much about you.
You didn't have a clue.
What would ensue.

You never understood the truth.
Even when she showed you proof.
You were naive all through your youth.
Wish I could have been there for you when it was all over.
Instead you gave me your cold shoulder.
I wouldn't of been here if I stayed sober.

If only I had met you before her.
I would have done everything for you kid.
Something she never did.
Now I'm crying on my bathroom floor.
Knowing you're not here anymore.
Wishing you were still here.
Seeing you in my head so clear.
Wanting to be up there with you.
Even though I never met you.
I don't think I can ever forget you.

A little bit of blood on the ground.
Spread it around.
Black and blue.
A few broken bones is cool.
A newlywed.
Clothes stained red.
She has a couple of mouths that need to be fed.
Her mind can't be read.
Her face only shows dread.
Nothing much more can be said.

There is      
a way.  
Shone bright,
shining way    
beyond my reach
in your eyes that  
I am unable to touch.
But I see        
that of which I am looking for.

Thou were warned,
how to be saved.
Empty hallways echo as the ****** scream through silent pleas.
Seldom escape this place.
Oblivious.
Unexpected.
Left behind.
Struck and burned.
Accused and forgotten.
Retort.
Entanglement.
Odors seep through the cracks.
Underground lies the truth.
Realm of the dead
Search and you will find.
Together or alone.
Open the door.
Key of the keep.
Embodiment of anger.
Extricate yourself if you dare.
Plagued by regret.

They don't think you have a soul.
They assign you a role.
And ask for a toll.
They try to tell you who you are.
Though they can't see.
You can be whoever you want to be.
They call you a tool.
Who's just trying to be cool.
But you're just livin by your own rules.
Cause they should be schooled.
You tell them what's on your mind.
And they cover their eyes blind.
You can't be defined.
By anyone by design.
Who says you have to be kind.
All the time.

I'm laughing at myself.
The pain I was dealt.
From the board, the rod and the belt.
The time I spent in the dark.
Cast away far apart.
In my mind blurred.
Many times unheard.
The hours I wasted.
The ways I debated.
The words I couldn't convey.
The days that washed away.
Knowing there's no I'm okay.
I'm waiting every day.
Just to say.
Maybe today.

The rain falls gently down.
Hallows be the trees drown.
Entering the dark thicket.
Ricocheting sound across the fence picket.
Intertwined ivy strangles the plants.
Visions strangely enchant.
Empty woods cast a shadow.
Riveting lightning sets the trees ablaze.
Frolicking animals stop to gaze.
Lilacs show their beauty shallow.
Opening leaves bare teeth.
Whispering wind can be heard from beneath.
Silence henceforth ensues at dusk.
Blooming flowers once were, are now just a husk.
Lovers gaze upon thick trees unknowingly oblivious.
Over the hills, the valley below runs endlessly.
Often seen and forgotten it flows.
Devils prey on the one who knows.

Left without even saying goodbye.

If only I told you I loved you.
I might've been with you more often then alone.
Instead I'm sipping whiskey on the rocks.
Listening to the rain drops.
On my window sill.
Waiting till,
it all just stops.

I've been regretting it every day.
The words I couldn't say.
Thinking it could've gone either way.
Maybe it would've been better to have been rejected.
Then to be dejected
all these years,
with these fears.

We have lived many centuries.
Are we powerless?
Not in the right mind?
Afraid of the future?
Of changing times?
The tide washing us away?
Darkness closing in?

We live to fight the dangers that lurk in the shadows.
Trust only those who deserve it.
We shall stand together.
The battles settled.
Moonlight shining the way.
Shall we prevail or admit defeat?
Guide our children for the better.
Us, together we will prevail.

When the rain stopped, she cried.

This'll be the death of me.
Never find the rest of me.
Another failed recipe.

No hope .

No destiny.

No desire.

Is this your happy ever after?
Or just the endless empty laughter?
Or just another disaster?
It'll be the same the chapter.

You'll be here,
And I'll just disappear.
You were never sincere.
I won't be near,
starting next year.

You wouldn't let go.
I couldn't say no.
I wanted you to know
that long ago.

I tried to run,
But you weren't done.
It had just begun.
You had your fun,
but I had none.

Wish I had never met you.
Cause now I have no clue
if anything you ever said was true.

You stole my pride
and forced me to hide.
You always lied
when I would not abide
Oh how I tried
but you wouldn't step aside
and drop the knife.

You were never wrong,
you always had to be right.
As you would tell me just one more night,
I always stayed in fright.
Wanting to go,
I just want you to know.
How much I wanted us to work
If only it didn't hurt.

But you lied.
You cheated.
That left me defeated.
I wouldn't mind it,
if you just didn't deny it.

I’m telling you,
this'll be the death of me.
Never find the rest of me.

Hope that's the only thing I can do.
But it never comes true.
Pain is all this puts me through.
There's only one place I could go to be happy.
I wish I could go back again and again.
It has been some time since then.
I can't just show up on a whim.
My life's been kind of grim.
Even when I dream I can't sleep.
I might just be weak.
Only when your there with me,
can I ever be free.
Even if only just for a minute or two,
it feels like forever when I'm with you.

Way 1.
I live
in a dream.
I die
in your arms.
I lay
in pain.
Only when I can't breathe,
I see you.
Trying to call out your name,
I want to be
with you
but happy.

Way 2.
I live
only when I can't breathe.
In a dream
I see you.
I die
trying to call out your name.
In your arms
I want to be.
I lay
with you,
in pain
but happy.

Gather your logic.
Atone for your ego.
Zero be your equal.
Entitlement brought you hazard.
Nobody but yourself could you trust.
Opportunity wasted every hour.
Return to write your haiku.
Tell your story to attest.
Have little time to climb high

Are you in pain today?
Wishing it could just go away?
Looking back at all the times it never went the right way.
Wondering if tomorrow or next week or next year will be any different.
Knowing it will be the same anyways.
Whittling away the days.
Withering away.
Waiting for the day.
That you can say you feel alive.
Having the weight off your shoulder.
Feeling a little less colder.
Letting your memories smolder.
And finally grow older.
Without regret looming over.
Maybe you can try again.
Its been awhile since then.

Little misfortune.          
Often alone and dreadful.
Nothing but lonely.

What is my purpose?
Is it just to suffer?
Maybe I'm just a duffer.
A smile that can't even surface.
A wound that always curses.
What you see is just a lie on purpose.
Every day feels like a waste.
A mistake.
I can never be happy even just a little taste.
This, this pain.
Can't wash away even with pouring rain.
Empty emotions flowing down the drain.
Who can I even blame.
Ever day is the same.

I've been
waiting and waiting.
and wanting
For so long.
For you to
reach out
and grab my hand.
And pull me up
onto my feet.

I've been needing
and wanting
for so long.
To walk away
from all that's
gone on and on.

I've been wishing
for so long,
for so long.
To just
get on
with this
life of mine.

Not knowing
where I'm going.
On my own,
all alone.

I've been feeling
so wrong,
for so long.
Wishing I could
just leave it all behind.
Not knowing
half the time.
Where I even
lost my mind.
One last time.

I've been
waiting and waiting
and wanting.
for so long.
For you to
reach out
and grab my hand.
And pull me up
onto my feet.
Knowing then,
I'll admit defeat
but I won't retreat.

I've been
waiting
for you to
call out
my name.
And grab my
hand
and hold It
tight.
And never
let go.

Like a river bed without water.
My eyes can not shed a single drop.
Or a summer with no sun.
A spring with no rain.
An autumn without leaves.
A winter without the cold.
I've given what I could.
All that I had left.
All but my very being and soul.
And still I search for the one .
To take the rest.
Maybe then.
Maybe then.
I can be happy.
I can rest.