the world stands still yet time flies when i'm with you
thoughts clouded over with longing daydreams
i wonder if you think of me the same way i do about you
i wonder if you've fallen for me the same way i have for you
will i be able to show you this poem someday?
the love-drunk ramblings of a lonely soul
a lonely soul that somehow found yours in this wreckage of a society
will you stay in my life?
i haven't opened up to someone like this in so long
i haven't felt so needed in a while
my breath of fresh air after suffocating for months

you don't remember how you looked at me when i reminded you of why i have '17' tattooed on myself
"because you almost killed yourself?"
almost like you found it childish
you don't know how i bashed my knuckles into walls over and over
how i slammed my head against blunt objects and relished in the pain
how i screamed out in pure rage and agony until my voice went hoarse
how often i would cut myself
how i would only cry when i was sure no one else could hear
how i would get as far as dumping out the medicine on the table before breaking down on the floor
i was able to stop myself after 4 pills
thank god i was able to stop myself
it's a permanent reminder of how i was at my rock bottom
it's a permanent reminder that i'll never get that bad again
my life was never a joke
it never will be
i want to be alive again

how did you feel when the tears poured out of the empty, gaping sockets on your face
staining your clothes and your bedsheets and every relationship you've ever held dear
permanently coloring them an angry, ****** red
it doesn't wash away no matter how long you scrub and soak
but still my raw fingers claw at the fabric in vain, my mother will surely hate me when she sees how i've destroyed everything nice she's given me
i'll still continue to fall to my bruised knees and beg you to stay like i begged everyone else
i'll still continue to make unfixable messes of my life
i'll still continue to live when today i tried so hard not to,
i don't want you to miss someone who just hurts good people

the sands of time are so sticky
how did we fall right through them?
i don't listen to the aching in my bones
i can't remember the last time i heard you speak
it's a memory that i play over and over in my head until i can no longer remember what you looked like either
it's an old tape that finally gives in after what seems like its millionth play
what did we do to lose those long and simple summer days?

i crave a very specific poison
that eats away at me so slowly but so painfully
it courses through my veins and burns like pure acid but i need it to be alive
to feel alive
because i'm nothing but a corpse walking.

brian is the most beautiful
it could never be me
not when i'm myself
and they're them
i am an ant crushed by the incomprehensible size of an uncaring person's sandal
so i will continue to get high until i can't feel sad about my predicaments anymore
because i walk back to them and it feels like i've interrupted a party i wasn't invited to
where everyone stares at you in silence, forcing you to acknowledge the mortifying ordeal of being known
i am known to you but i wish i wasn't
i wish i wasn't your boulder, just waiting for someone to push me up a hill only to never see the fruits of success
i'm scared the feelings won't just go away
even after i gaslight myself into believing they were never there
i'm scared to say a lot of things
i hope you'll stay when i'm weak and vulnerable
i hope you'll stay

anger pours out of me in frustrated waves
eardrum-shattering
yet there is no soul in sight as they crash against the worn, rocky shore
the homes perched upon the small cliffside are weathered and abandoned
their wooden frames creaky and rotting from years of neglect and wear from the salty ocean air
the forgotten beach of lost memories sits still in time
almost like it had never existed at all
besides the roar of the vanishing waves, the only other noise is the shrieking cries of the seagulls
scrounging the unsteady pier for the rare crumb of food
the sun still rises and sets as it has for millenia
a blind eye turned to the ghost town

oh, the mortifying ordeal of being perceived
i plunge my feet into vats of concrete until they harden around my tender and vulnerable skin
an impenetrable cage
sleeping with the fishes is easier than sleeping with the pain in your heart

my soul doesn't want to be inside this body anymore, my joints creak and my limbs ache and my eyelids weigh heavy against the pull of gravity. i could sleep for so long and be mistaken for a corpse. one with bloodshot eyes decorated with dark purple bruises underneath. one with freezing cold fingertips, numb to the touch. one with the blank stare of a person who'd never been all there. i ache to be free, to float among the stars and galaxies as a collection of molecules and elements. it's a freedom i'll never know, not in my fragile and breakable human skin.

i wonder if i'm trapped in my own personal hell. thinking with a brain that hates itself. i exist, minutes pass and turn to hours, days to years, and yet it all feels like the same giant knot overtaking my weak stomach. all i can do is wonder if the next life will take more mercy on my paper-thin soul.

concrete will break and fall apart
wrought-iron rebar rusts until it breaks with a gust of wind
but nature will always win
there will be no one left to pull up the stubborn weeds from the sidewalk cracks
no one left to tend to the perfectly manicured lawn with the perfectly manicured flowerbeds
no one to care when the world becomes overgrown once again
you and i
we'll be quite dead
but life will heal itself, growing over the poorly placed bandaids on top of a rotten, infected wound

gazing into eyes that blaze like a thousand suns, i fall into your orbit
i knew you in a life that I've long since forgotten
but the soul always remembers
our atoms will dance with each other among the heavens
a bond that not even death will break
embrace me in your warmth and let me sink into you
my heart bursting open from how I yearn
wherever you go, I'll be sure to follow

i can't take your madness anymore
you here, nothing to prove except a point I've never been able to figure out
you changed so much in a matter of months and I don't know you anymore.
maybe I never did

I met you during the end of the world
how ironic
spending your last precious days engulfed in the beginning of a brand new story
life is funny like that sometimes,
stumbling into the best of people at the worst of times.
maybe that's why I'm always chasing for the things that aren't there

there's a lump in my throat the size of jupiter
blocking out my oxygen and feeble little voice
so I sit, silent and choking but I will never ask for help
you will never perceive me as weak if I never give you the opportunity to see my vulnerabilities
but when you train yourself to blend in for so long it doesn't just turn off when you want
nothing happens the way I want

if I sit up for hours at night staring at the whirling stars, I start to become someone else's fever dream. the changing seasons are relentless, this winter seems so much more barren than the last, the scorching hot summer sun melts my plastic skin until I become unrecognizable. where did the time go? etched into my body, of course, have my dark circles always been this prominent on my face? do my eyes tell stories of love or hate? I think and I think about the past lives this soul has witnessed, hoping I don't accidentally wither away before making something of myself. a lifetime is so meaningless compared to the unyielding grip of time.

understanding you on a spiritual level
I was there for years
starstruck on a muggy august evening
we both made a promise that would surely be broken
I watched you drift slowly away
like an old wooden boat bobbing across a long abandoned harbor
I bargained my soul with the Devil just to save yours
I tried to salvage all the pieces of you
all of the fragments scattered across the cold pavement
reminding me of a glass bottle thrown in anger
she put you back together but it was all wrong
lazily glued back into place
gaping holes with jagged edges protruding out
you aren’t the same as I knew you once
I yearn for a version lost to time
my memory is the only place you exist now
but it will soon fade just as you had
many months ago

I ache for a place I can never return
my soul never learns, the scars of nostalgia always reopen
sweltering summers followed by foggy fall mornings
a place that killed me from the inside
but it was still a home
despite the pain all I can remember is the millions of stars in the sky
the intense quiet only broken by the calls of wild animals
the lonely roads marked only by dilapidated churches
heavy rain falling upon the rooftop, lulling me to sleep
a piece of my heart stayed behind when I left on that December morning
suddenly 1700 miles away again
almost like it meant nothing
but I’ll always remember the pure peace I felt
standing near the raging bonfire
the freedom I yearned for
the freedom to starve and work and suffer
it was what my mind was used to
a lonely soul trapped in a lonely town
breaking me down every single day
I’d always hoped I could go back someday but now I can’t
a lonely soul, now trapped in a bustling city

you will wrench open the iron bars around your soul and fly
free from your misery and woe
floating above your own body, unchained from gravity
becoming friends with the billions of stars in the sky
you will understand what it means to be content again

standing at the edge of the world, the wind blows fierce
screaming out of the abyss like a million tortured souls
but it isn’t hell
the world has a voice, but you can’t hear it until it’s crying out in pain
you don’t know what you’ve done until it’s too late
the world revolved around you until it didn’t
the world revolved around you until you faced the void and it swallowed you whole
so vulnerable with your humanity on display
every other thought melts away, you will be forced to confront your own mind
a horrifying reality for those who live outside it
it’s time to open every single eye
It’s time to take the flying leap into the unknown

one day i will die on a silent hill surrounded by tombstones
sitting undisturbed until the earth takes me back once again
the sun will set and the seasons will change and the years will pass
flowers will sprout where I once decomposed
I will be free from this vessel of flesh
free to float among the stars as my soul scatters into a million pieces
but I will return to this world again
placed inside a new form
repeating a new life
experiencing a new death
each leaving its mark on my being
yet I can only dream of ascension

I am but a simple creature
I will lay down at your front steps like a dog and wait for you
I bite and I lunge because I'm scared and it's all I know
but I will not hurt you anymore
nature made me into a wild beast but I must be tame to enter your home
I hope you'll let me stay when it's cold and lonely outside
I hope you'll keep a spot for me to sleep when I'm weary and starving
I hope you'll welcome me home when I come back to you

when will I be free from these thick iron chains?
the ones that keep me here in a cell
that's much too small for my aching limbs
I am a starving, dying tree.
my thoughts fill up this void and make it hard to breathe,
drowning in a thousand words of my own creation
no one around to hear
after all, the tree in the forest did fall, the noise crashing across the forest

plunge your hands into wet concrete
until the world hardens around you
your fruits have withered
in the unforgiving august sun
heavy doors that were painted bright colors
they creak now, the wood warped and rotting
time watches its creations die
the soft spring breeze is a long forgotten dream of yesterday
did you even truly experience it when it was here?
was it a small bluster of wind that aired out your cozy home,
or was it a furious, howling storm that crashed through the abandoned frame of a house you used to call your own?

you old soul,
your shy and knobby little fingers yearn for the sky
yet just barely reach the rotting corners of a building neglected,
a transparent grace of knowledge and long forgotten words of those who are passed on.
a leaf that sinks just like the hearts of those that pass by,
day after day after day
yet you cast your thick and lonely shadows onto those who are none the wiser
never realizing the wisdom and power you hold
oh, if only your roots became strong legs,
allowing you to leave behind the never-changing prison of dirt and worms and decomposing bodies of the insects that earn a single day of life and nothing more.
what have you seen, oh silent giant of the forest?
where might your mouth be,
so that I may listen to all your hushed secrets?
I'll never know
perhaps that's what you wanted all along,
to watch and listen for centuries.
until death do us part,
keep your knowledge a secret, just as you always have,
you mighty elm beast.

The doorway to your thoughts is thought of to be your eyes
If you gaze into them in the just the right way you can see swirling emotions held back behind fragile glass
But mine?
A concrete blockade, unable to be opened
Even i had not visited the darkest parts of my mind in what seemed like centuries
So i’d never really worried about the tension of my emotions, how they pressed against the wrought-iron gates to my soul
Threatening to wrench it open to escape and wreak havoc throughout all aspects of my simple life

That’s before i started seeing Her
Dr. Ramsey
The first time those cold gray eyes locked with mine in the plain office i felt myself retract inside my brain without really intending to do so
“Tell me about your childhood”
A storm was picking up, not outside but inside my skull
I stammered, trying to grasp for really anything i could tell this stiff woman with the impeccable posture, anything she could possibly interpret for me
The wind was rough, i could guess around 40 miles per hour at the very least
Angry thunderclouds loomed in the distance, stifling me with their roar of hatred
My heart hammered, every thump creating microscopic cracks against the inside of my ribcage
Through the high-pitched cry of the wind and the cracks of lightning, i heard my own voice.
“It’s now or never”

And with that the concrete melted away into a disgusting blackened liquid
Flowing out of my chest
Years of pent up rage and anguish poured out from every orifice,
My mouth a terrible tsunami of hateful words and pained cries
And just like that
It ended
Finally over
I took a shaking breath, glancing over at the therapist
I’m not sure what i expected to see, maybe her cowering from my outburst or at the very least having some sort of expression on her face
Instead she nodded slowly, scrawling down a quick note on her clipboard
“I commend you for taking this first step by yourself. It’s certainly not easy to admit you need help and to actively search for it.”
My chest felt empty, but in a good way
To be completely frank, it felt nice to not have the heavy burden of my pain constantly on my shoulders anymore.

the church is burning
a holy house for a vague man with powerful hands
erupting into flames, the sheer intensity of the heat scorching faces and hands
"step back children, for you may just end up like the building itself."
the wood had already rotted from the inside, much like the ones who had been 'born again' under the judgmental gaze of the wrinkled pastor
his eyes would scrutinize the thinning crowd during every sunday sermon
quietly critiquing and taking shrewd mental notes of which patrons were not listening quite as intently as he'd like...
it was the powerful judgments that only a broken and flawed man could have made
the flames lapped at every bit of worn out pine and oak beams
uncomfortable memories of the stifling hot summers and freezing winters, how it sounded when the lone man across the room cleared his throat loudly during the mandatory silence,
they were all lost to the void of time along with the countless holy books and objects inside the cramped and mildew-stained back rooms
my.... it was isolating
this was the house of the LORD, YAHWEH, whatever name you may call the creator that created destruction
yet there was no inclination to sadness, just a sense of loss for something that had always been there yet you'd never thought about in detail before
but alas
the church is burning
and nobody cares

the way your lungs expand and contract
one heaving breath after another,
means you're alive
and that you're still here for me
despite it being selfish,
i'm glad you stayed

the puppet’s string are made from nylon
scratchy and seeming thirsty for your spare red blood cells,
clawing at your tissue paper skin for the tiniest taste
of the life flowing through your veins
yet these monstrous lengths of twine are for the manipulation of the puppet’s creaky wooden joints.
the old oak tree that lies at its heart
yearns to reach for the sky again
slowly twisting its gnarled knuckles closer and closer to the clouds of heaven.
instead this mighty wood beast of the forest has been turned into a jester
for a courtroom full of sickly child-kings and queens
but alas, he is So Entertaining
condemned to forever dance at the hands of the old man, whose skin was not as firm and whose mind was not as sharp as twenty years prior
Father Time steals minutes and stretches them into decades like a tired *** of putty
decades where this poor puppet will rot, thrown out and discarded
“existence is a prison,” his last thought as the ***** red velvet curtains closed
to a cacophony of children’s cheers and hollers