Jan 2021
The doorway to your thoughts is thought of to be your eyes
If you gaze into them in the just the right way you can see swirling emotions held back behind fragile glass
But mine?
A concrete blockade, unable to be opened
Even i had not visited the darkest parts of my mind in what seemed like centuries
So i’d never really worried about the tension of my emotions, how they pressed against the wrought-iron gates to my soul
Threatening to wrench it open to escape and wreak havoc throughout all aspects of my simple life
That’s before i started seeing Her
Dr. Ramsey
The first time those cold gray eyes locked with mine in the plain office i felt myself retract inside my brain without really intending to do so
“Tell me about your childhood”
A storm was picking up, not outside but inside my skull
I stammered, trying to grasp for really anything i could tell this stiff woman with the impeccable posture, anything she could possibly interpret for me
The wind was rough, i could guess around 40 miles per hour at the very least
Angry thunderclouds loomed in the distance, stifling me with their roar of hatred
My heart hammered, every thump creating microscopic cracks against the inside of my ribcage
Through the high-pitched cry of the wind and the cracks of lightning, i heard my own voice.
“It’s now or never”
And with that the concrete melted away into a disgusting blackened liquid
Flowing out of my chest
Years of pent up rage and anguish poured out from every orifice,
My mouth a terrible tsunami of hateful words and pained cries
And just like that
It ended
Finally over
I took a shaking breath, glancing over at the therapist
I’m not sure what i expected to see, maybe her cowering from my outburst or at the very least having some sort of expression on her face
Instead she nodded slowly, scrawling down a quick note on her clipboard
“I commend you for taking this first step by yourself. It’s certainly not easy to admit you need help and to actively search for it.”
My chest felt empty, but in a good way
To be completely frank, it felt nice to not have the heavy burden of my pain constantly on my shoulders anymore.
If you gaze into them in the just the right way you can see swirling emotions held back behind fragile glass
But mine?
A concrete blockade, unable to be opened
Even i had not visited the darkest parts of my mind in what seemed like centuries
So i’d never really worried about the tension of my emotions, how they pressed against the wrought-iron gates to my soul
Threatening to wrench it open to escape and wreak havoc throughout all aspects of my simple life
That’s before i started seeing Her
Dr. Ramsey
The first time those cold gray eyes locked with mine in the plain office i felt myself retract inside my brain without really intending to do so
“Tell me about your childhood”
A storm was picking up, not outside but inside my skull
I stammered, trying to grasp for really anything i could tell this stiff woman with the impeccable posture, anything she could possibly interpret for me
The wind was rough, i could guess around 40 miles per hour at the very least
Angry thunderclouds loomed in the distance, stifling me with their roar of hatred
My heart hammered, every thump creating microscopic cracks against the inside of my ribcage
Through the high-pitched cry of the wind and the cracks of lightning, i heard my own voice.
“It’s now or never”
And with that the concrete melted away into a disgusting blackened liquid
Flowing out of my chest
Years of pent up rage and anguish poured out from every orifice,
My mouth a terrible tsunami of hateful words and pained cries
And just like that
It ended
Finally over
I took a shaking breath, glancing over at the therapist
I’m not sure what i expected to see, maybe her cowering from my outburst or at the very least having some sort of expression on her face
Instead she nodded slowly, scrawling down a quick note on her clipboard
“I commend you for taking this first step by yourself. It’s certainly not easy to admit you need help and to actively search for it.”
My chest felt empty, but in a good way
To be completely frank, it felt nice to not have the heavy burden of my pain constantly on my shoulders anymore.
