What you did for me was awesome,
You adopted me,
Took me into your home
Not even for a little while,
But for 16 years,
What you do for me now,
I still can't fathom,
I **** at appreciating your efforts,
What you do to me,
I can't forget,
I am hurt,
I am depressed,
But am too ashamed to say anything because it doesn't really matter because it's better than being on a street alone in Ukraine.

I don't ride a bike,
I don't drive,
It's better for me and everyone else around me,
At least that's what people tell me,
I believe them,
"You can't adapt quickly enough to situations,"
I wear glasses because I crash into stuff without them,
I break everything that I own by accident,
I really don't mean to,
I don't drive,
I won't ever drive.

You there,
look over there,
What is that coming,
Wait it's a person,
Who is it,
Why he's glowing,
It's a man,
He's wearing a mask,
A gas mask,
It's black and red,
I can't see his eyes,
He's coming closer,
Who are you,
"I am what I am,
I am who I am,
I am for what I am,
This is who I am."

-this is a character that I have created in a story.

Let thy soul be free,
Let soar through the calamity,
Let ye know who dare catch my soul,
Let them who painfully walk the earth,
Let it be known that the end is near,
Let them know physically,
Let them know mentally,
Let them know emotionally,
Let them know spiritually,
Let them know,
Let them know that I am coming.

I just filled out a paper two weeks ago,
One question was,
"Are you depressed,"
If yes , are you suicidal,"
I wrote yes to both,
Yesterday I got a letter back,
They said that they were not able to cover me,
Their reason,
I was a liability to commit suicide,
So I never got what I wanted.

I have vanity,
It's the only thing that masks me,
It's the only thing that protects me,
It's the only thing that disguises me from societies judgement,
It's the only thing that my mom can't take away,
It's the only thing that I can accumulate,
It's the only thing that I can create and call it my own,
I have vanity,
It's the only thing that you can't take,

I laugh,
You laugh at me,
I cry,
You laugh at me,
I ball,
You laugh at me,
I scream,
You laugh at me,
I fall,
You laugh at me,
I hurt,
You laugh at me,
I am in pain,
You laugh at me,
I am depressed,
You laugh at me,
I die,
You stop laughing at me.

Woe is me,
Woe is me,
Is what you say I say to thee,
But I say woe is you and not to thee,
But don't you see if woe is thee then woe is to thy as is to thee,
Why yes if woe is to thy then woe is to thee as is to thy both the same ,
I hate Shakespeare some days

I don't want praise,
I don't want pity,
I don't want money,
I don't want shame,
I don't want victory,
I don't want to be accepted,
I just want to be appropriated.

I go to school,
I am in grade 12,
I go to an idiot school,
People who have "damage,"
I know that's mean,
But that is how damaged I am,
I don't really care though,
I don't really care if you do,
Judge me,
Scrutinize me I don't care,
At least I'm going to school and learning something,
While you sit here and read my poem getting nowhere.

I am depressed,
That I know for sure,
That's at least one thing I know,
All other things I don't,
But don't take my word for it,
Just talk to my mother and she'll tell you,

Torture me with your relentless words,
Even after you've finished they still stick around to try to finish me off,
They almost do,
But I won't let them today,
Probably not tomorrow either,
But maybe next week,
Or maybe two days,
I hope you understand,
It's you not me,
Your words stab at me as I try to run away from them,
Who am I kidding,
I can't run away from words that float around my head just taking casual turns on who to strike me next,
So I listen and **** in my emotions,
Because if I show them it will only get worse as it always does,

"Is it not liberty to give every man the right to choose,"
"I suppose so."
"Then let him!"
"But that would be preposterous"
"You said yourself that every man should be given liberty, did you not?"
"But he doesn't count!"
"And why is that?"
"He couldn't possibly be human?"
"But he is, just as much as you are."
"He's a monster."
"He is your son!"
"I don't think so."
"Why am I not your son, is it because I am not perfect, is it because I always fail, is it because I never learn, is it because I have problems, is it because I am not like everybody else? Do I not deserve the liberty to choose who I want to be? Or do you think that I will mess up on that too?"

They told me that it would be okay,
They told me that there was nothing to worry about,
They told me that I could be what I wanted to be,
They told me that I was loved,
They told me that I could be part of the family,
They told me that they would believe in me,
They told me that they would try ,
They told me that I Should try,
They told me that they never lie,
As a sit on my bed I wonder how many times they have lied.

Sing to me my sweet release,
Sing to me my sweet relief,
Sing to me my love song,
Sing to me my hope song,
Sing to me my life song,
Sing to me my hate song,
Sing to me my hurt song,
Sing to me my death song,

Hopefully I will graduate from high school,
Hopefully I will go to college,
Hopefully I will go to university,
Hopefully I will go into phycology,
Hopefully I will have a girlfriend,
Hopefully I might get married,
Hopefully I might have kids,
Hopefully I can stop drinking,
Hopefully I can get my kids back,
Hopefully I can get my wife back,
Hopefully I can get her for what she's done,
Hopefully, Hopefully,
Hopefully I can get out of jail,
Hopefully my kids can forgive me,
Hopefully I haven't missed out to much,
Hopefully I can make some money,
Hopefully I can support myself,
Hopefully I can quit drinking,
Hopefully I can stop drinking,
Hopefully I can end my drinking,
What is hope?

I just spoke with my mother,
She is helpful when she doesn't talk about me,
When she talks about me its on how funny I am that I mess up so easily,
On how funny my disability is,
On how funny it is that I don't get something that a "normal" kid would get,
On what a 9 year old gets and I don't,
On how much I can't do,
On telling me what I can't do because I can't adapt,
On telling me why I can't do something when I don't want to hear it because I always know why,
On what's basic knowledge of a 2 year old I still don't have,
So I talked to my mom today and I feel a lot better about myself.

I am a puppy small and free,
At least in my cage that is,
I run around my cage all day content with the circles I make,
"Get out Get Out " people tell me,
I don't because I am content with running in circles stuck in my cage of independence,
I whimper when my parents speak to me,
I cry to be let out,
But I am content with running in circles stuck in my cage of independence,
I want to get out but what would I do after that.

I have power in my mind,
Ideas that would blow the world away,
I have visions that would change the world,
I think for the thought of others,
I have power in my mind,
But to say what I think,
What visions that I see,
What ideas I have,
Is not possible because of fear of my stupidity.

"Mommy,Daddy!" I scream my parents come rushing in,
"There's a monster under my bed!"
My parents role their eyes,
"I swear it's here, just look!" I say
"There's no such thing as monsters." My parents say,
"Just look please!"
""Fine" my dad looks under the bed and says
"Come look, see there are no monsters."
I look under my bed and see a mirror and the monster looking at me,
My dad screams as he looks in the mirror I am the monster that sleeps under my bed.

For doctors to think that you have suicidal tendencies they often rely on extreme factors  such as suicidal attempts etc.
I am depressed,
Thoroughly depressed,
Some days I feel suicidal and I start thinking about it,
But just think,
You become happy (for a second) as you realize that the world won't have to **** you along anymore,
This is my state of suicidal depression.

Living is for the happy,
Dying is for the not,
But lying gets us nowhere,
So trying to be happy is like dying on the inside,
Trying to stay afloat in an ocean of depressing things.

I love you like a drug,
You shake me off with a shrug,
"Sugar baby," I tell you while we hug,
You think I'm a huge lug,
"I got you a mug" I said
"It says Doug"
"It's the thought that counts " I said  
She rolls her eyes and sends me to Doug's dog house.

People ask me what it feels to have depression,
I answer the question, "This question is not your real question, ask me the real question."
People ask me what is depression, to a depressed person,
"It's like a drug that feels so good, but can **** you at any time."
People ask me how I cope with this depression,
"Take more of it, just like tylenol"

When a man was asked to **** another man who had committed treason,
They said there was nothing wrong with killing him because he was doing a service for his country.
The man obliged and shot the man in the temple.
Two days later he was killed by the government of his country for committing ******.

On the  bus, on the bus, we have places to go, things to do, on the bus on the bus lets go.
We shove each other  on in to and fro impatient still without coffee.
We do many things on the bus.
We sleep; some snore, some don't.
We look at each other waiting for someone to dare try talking to them.
We say hello rarely, it sets suspicions lower.
Some read, most don't.
Some do their makeup. Really only one.
Some forget to change for work, the rest don't.
We have small talk that leads into mumbling, then falls into sleep.
45 minutes later we arrive at our location and one by one we get off the bus.
Tired, hungry, needing coffee, we do the whole thing over the next day.  
Off the bus, off the bus, we have places to go, things to do, off the bus off the bus lets go.

Spit in my face and laugh at the shame of society.
I am but a fantasy placed in the world for the use of anyone.
I am a tool for you to use for whatever, I am a thing that contributes for nothing that everybody hates.

The world does not need me,
All I cause is the pain and grief of others.
People say they see a light in my eyes,
I see a light in which does not burn but dies.
People also say that I have to express what I feel,
I do not care what I feel because it does not matter what I feel.
I care in only what other people feel.

Smack, jab, punch,
I hit the ground blood on the floor I get back up,
Kick, jab, punch,
I hit the ground teeth on the floor I get back up,
Knee, jab, punch,
I hit the ground I see a bone sticking out I get back up,
Elbow, jab, punch,
I hit the ground and my arms twisted I get back up,
Stab, jab, punch,
I hit the ground and lye there and I don't get back up,
Lift, carry, off,

Why do we live?
Why do we die?
Why do we strive to live a lie?
We try to buy,
We try to fly,
We try to cry,
Then we learn to lie...

Depression is like my drug,
I indulge myself in it as I try to forget about my hopeless reality.
I am happy enough with myself to survive another day,
Maybe a week.
I love my family and their efforts,
Nut I don't understand why they keep on trying why they don't just give up,
I am no use to them all I cause is grief and war.
I do not want pity for I receive it from myself.

Love me,
Hate me for I do not care,
As long as you treat me fair, I said one day to a man,
"Ha!" Was what he said
"Treat you fair? We could care less about your hair."
I turned and saw a hare they petted it and treated it fair,
"Am I less then an animal?" I asked the unfair man,
His reply was,
"Yes."

I have a place I call my own,
I enter it every time I step out the door,
I create an image of my fantasy in the reality,
I am a proud outspoken person where you can't see what I have,
I am just like everybody else,
I have a label that defines me as normal and not as something else,
I am so happy when I visit this place,
I leave every time I go home,
To face the reality that defines me that makes me leave my world.

The possibilities are endless,
Unless your me,
I lye here alone in this empty cold room of depression,
I think I have a chance in hell to make something out of myself,
Maybe a *******, no that's setting my goals to high,
Maybe if I hope...
Why?

What is the point of life and everything in it, it you don't care anymore?
What is it?
Is it for the ***?
Is it for the love of life?
Is it to complete a cycle of life?
What is it?
Is it to have hope?
Is it to believe in something?
Is it to understand what something is?
What is it?
Is it just to be there?
Is it just to be here?
Is it just to be then?
Is it just to be now?
Is it just to be after?
Or is it just to die.

Why do I try to make people happy?
Why do I try to get my mother to appreciate my efforts?
Why do I try to care for what other people feel?
Why do I try to tell myself that I'm happy?
Why do I try to act like I am a proud person?
Why do I try anything?
Why do I try to live another day?
Why do I try to survive for the benefit of others?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Because I care...

I have skin,
Very thin skin now,
I had thick skin back then,
Before the relentless Gods burned off my layers,
Now they poke at my thin layer,
Piercing a small bit so that I mend it,
They do it again and again taunting me with this never ending game,
But it's not a game in their eyes,
They see it as them helping me.

I hope people will like this poem,
I laugh at myself when I think of hope,
Every time I have hope I think nothing in the world could stop me,
I face my inevitable fact and face it with triumph,
I get destroyed by fact,
I just laugh at myself for thinking that I could deny fact and have hope,
I just let go of it,
Next week maybe I'll get it,
Probably won't and then I'll be filled with a little more hope that the inevitable fact is not inevitable.

"I can't hear you." They say to me,
"Why can't you speak up?" They ask me,
Because I feel small and if I speak big  it makes things worse,
"Why, Why, Why!" I ask myself every time I say something.

"**** yourself!"
"**** yourself!" the words say to me taunting me as they float above my head, I try to build a wall but they walk through it,
"Your useless!"
"Your useless!" they say as I am pecked,
"It's fu.....g basic!"
"It's fu.....g basic!"
The words they flap around me blurring my vision,
"It's something that a 9 year old would get!"
"It's something that a 9 year old would get!"
I start to cry, I falter but am not ready to fall yet,
"Your so fu.....g selfish, 'it's all about me!"
"Your so fu.....g selfish 'it's all about me!"
I fall to the ground and try to cover my ears, but they peck at my hands so that I hear them,
"I don't want to see you!"
"I don't want to see you!"
I start screaming, my ears are bleeding now,
"Don't expect to get my approval when your this fu.....g selfish!"
"Don't expect to get my approval when your this fu.....g selfish!"
I try to get up but they dive at me striking my efforts,
"What kind of son does this!"
"What kind of fu.....g son does this to their mother!"
I just lye there hopeless and I whisper a word, just one tiny word,

"me..."
I close my eyes and the words fly away.

"**** yourself!"
"**** yourself!" the words say to me taunting me as they float above my head, I try to build a wall but they fly through it,
"Your useless!"
"Your useless!" they say as I am pecked,
"It's ******* basic!"
"It's ******* basic!"
The words they flap around me blurring my vision,
"It's something that a 9 year old would get!"
"It's something that a 9 year old would get!"
I start to cry, I falter but am not ready to fall yet,
"Your so ******* selfish, 'it's all about me!"
"Your so ******* selfish 'it's all about me!"
I fall to the ground and try to cover my ears, but they peck at my hands so that I hear them,
"I don't want to see you!"
"I don't want to see you!"
I start screaming, my ears are bleeding now,
"Don't expect to get my approval when your this ******* selfish!"
"Don't expect to get my approval when your this ******* selfish!"
I try to get up but they dive at me striking my efforts,
"What kind of son does this!"
"What kind of ******* son does this to their mother!"
I just lye there hopeless and I whisper a word, just one tiny word,

"me..."
I close my eyes and the words fly away.

Dreams,
Dreams,
Dreams,
My escape,
My hero,
My dreams are the dreams that I dream when I sleep, when I want to escape from reality,
I dream of having dreams in my dreams I am just a man who dreams of being someone so powerful,
I wake up from my dreams a lot,
I am awoken by my mothers words

What is love,
I am told everyday by my mom that I shall never understand it,
I believe her,
I "love" her if I knew what it meant,
I would tell her everyday,
If I knew what it meant,
I am selfish is what I am told,
Then that is what I am,
I am told that if I can't learn to be part of a community then I will never get married,
I believe them,
I believe that if I was to date someone,
They would be afraid of the monster that is me,
That is what I think and not what I am told,

To be is to die,
To die is to understand,
But only to the extent of what we the living understand.

Art is for thy to do,
It is for thy to see,
I do not hear the coos and boos of critics with their opinions,
I hear but the praise,
The ideas of others whom see the way I see.

Do you see the beauty in fire that burns the bodies of those so tragically lost.
They scream as flames lick at their faces,
The reflection of the colours dancing on their glazed lifeless eyes.
The flames change colours as it consumes them,
The smells that arise from the pile is deliciously fresh,
They roast as I await my turn and soon so shall you.
To be burned in the ever stirring light of the fire that fills our day.

The sun

Hope shall fuel me,
Hope shall fool me,
Hope shall create an image of the possibilities,
Hope is the denial of fact,
The disbelief towards the inevitable truth.

Depression kills,
Depression fills my mind like torture,
Thrills and trills do not woe me,
For depression kills and fills my mind like torture.

Creativity is subject to those who dare to try,
In the activity of the legal and the inactivity of the illegal,
Creativity is tested through the vitality of the object,
Lest it be by god's creativity the object is not tested through the vitality but yet by its beauty.