Yelena: Favorites

Jul 2015 Yelena

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Your eyes remind me of the river I drive across every morning on my way to work.
The sun has always reflected off the water the way love seemed to beam from your irises.
I know there are fish in that river, I just cannot see them.
Just like I know there is life behind the sky blue colors swirled in your eyes

I wish she'd forget you like the ocean forgets the top of the beach when it is feeling low.
I wish she'd forget the sand-colored hair I run my hands through.
I know your eyes hold more secrets than she could spill, and each secret can slip through the fingers you hold, as long as they were mine and not hers.

I can still hear the water crashing on top of the rocks only to be pushed away by my words every time I pushed you away and you clung to my heart like the undertow pulling at my feet.
But now she welcomes you like the bottom of a waterfall and you continue to
pour your love into her

I don't know how she ever let you go;
I don't know how someone could ever fall out of love with the way you'd say their name.
Our love could practice neoteny; it'll never grow old, even when we will.

I grew far too tired of the relentless persuasion to rekindle our flame. (I don't even know what that was supposed to mean)
the last memory I have of your voice is you screaming my name but I've watched you whisper hers gently into her ear and I can't help but wonder if you think of me

I wonder if she knows you never speak her name in a positive light? I can tell you've never wanted to let go so bad.
I'll hold your memories so safely in my hand,
only to throw hers aside.
I've never heard of such literal poison as the way she reeled you in.

Sometimes my mind wonders off to a simpler time and I question whether you taste her kiss and remember me.
I think of every sweet nothing you whispered in my ear as you held me tightly when my mind wasn't even remotely close.
I wonder if her thoughts stay with you or if it's just her body that's there just like mine
always seemed to be.
I've never heard of such literal
poison as the way she reeled you in.

Jul 2015 Yelena

Winter

Jul 2015 Yelena

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Winter

I used to listen to the rain hitting the roof and imagine every rain drop being my every I love you, hitting the top of your roof, rolling down the sides of your house,
down the rain gutters, and I always thought I was being washed away.
Now it's winter and you can barely hear anything. The snow seems to quiet the world and I wish my bitter thoughts could cause a blizzard in my mind to silence my demons.

You scraped off the frost on my windows to see if you could get a glimpse inside, but no one comes by anymore and I've blown out all the candles.
It is as bitter and as cold as the state you left me in, and I wonder why my calender is still filled with memories I'd like to forget.

the walls whisper things to me every cold night I lay awake shaking but they aren't scary anymore in fact it's become the lullaby I fall asleep to.
Every crack in the floor holds more secrets than any line in my palm has ever been able to hold between every bone chilling memory that causes me to tremble.

I've been shaking since you left, and every blanket of snow that covers the ground makes me beg for your warmth. We
used to be wrapped in eachother, but now I'd like to be wrapped in anything but your smell.
When does the snow stop falling, and when do I?

I've been tripping over my own thoughts in every failed attempt to run from the voices in my head. Every footstep sounds of someone new walking away and every handprint looks like my ghosts have gripped my heart even tighter.

I wish I could make sense of the way your eyes look like the snowflakes on my window, but I guess now-a-days everything screams your name. I wonder, now, if everyone hears these voices in their head, or if they only come out to play in those with malicious thoughts?
I never meant to harm the ones I loved, but I see blood on my hands constantly, and there is no metaphor that could compare to the blood you left behind.

I can't decide who the victim is, you see I've been chained to these regrets but I also hold the key. Every bruise on my heart holds a story in tiny letters spelling out the names of past lovers.
I can't help but remember how my own fists left these scars in my mind you just stamped your memory in approval.

When should we end this?
I never meant to let this drag on so long, but there are chains anchored to my feet and the waters are no longer just knee-deep.
I've been breathless since our eyes met, but, this doesn't feel as calming as your arms once did.
I've seen more hospitality in the homeless, I guess I just wish I saw more love in the dammed and more shelf space for every heart you ever stole.
I guess you threw them in the closet, because I just did not see this coming.

Jul 2015 Yelena

Kisses like Whisky

Jul 2015 Yelena

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Kisses like Whisky

Rewind to the first day you
Asked me to marry you.
It was raining, I wanted to kiss you.

December of our first year married;
You woke me up every morning
To watch the snow fall.
I rolled my eyes as you
Watched like a child.
You looked at me the same way.

Our first Christmas together was
About the same. It was
Only two years prior to our marriage
And you bought me a necklace.
I wore it every day
Until the day you left.
I hope the river likes jewelry
As much as I did.

Fast forward to our
Second spring together.
You pulled the car over on the side
Of the road to pick a wild flower.
We were already running late.
We always seemed to do
Everything too late.

Fourteen and a half days later
You told me you wanted me
To buy a nice dress for myself
And meet you at a restaurant.
I told you no,
I had work in the morning.
You drank every night
For a month after that.

You sang to my small unborn baby
Bump every night before bed.
Our next trip to see our baby's face
Did not go as planned.
You never could get me out of that
Black dress after her wake
And your eyes matched it
Perfectly every day after.

Fast forward to the day before you
Asked me to sign the divorce papers.
We made love.
I cried and said "this isn't working."
You said "I know."

I could hear you cry from the
Other side of the bed
And your hands felt miles away.
I remembered the first time
You touched me this way,
Long before your hands
Were calloused.
We were Hell bent on doing it
And I could hear the same lack
Of hesitation in your voice when
You said you had to leave.

Flash back to the first time I told you
I loved you.
I said it too soon. You said it back,
I didn't expect you to.

You left your ring on the
Coffee table our last night.
Suddenly I missed the rings
Of condensation marking the
Table every night and the
Clanking noise your ring
Finger made against the beer
Bottles after every fight.

I wish I could have been enough
To stop you from drinking.
I remember when you drove away.
"Turn around and beg me to stay.
Turn around and beg me to stay."
You didn't turn around and
I did not stay.

I passed the garden we were
Married in on my way to the court
House to sign the final papers.
A couple was leaving, newly wedded.
I find irony in that.

A few years later I passed you
On the street.
It was snowing, you had that same
Look in your eyes.
You smiled at me, a distant
"I'm sorry," smile.
I nodded, but I could not smile back.
You see, I never stopped loving you,
But I was never sorry for
Letting you leave.

I still find your cuff links buried
In my jewelry box some days.
This is the day I watched the
Locket you gave me
Sink to the bottom of a river.
I think you could find my
Hope lying there, too.

Remember the time you kissed me
In the rain?
First slow and timid, then
Passionate as if it was the
Last time we would ever kiss again.
I apologized thirteen times that day
For things that had
Not happened yet.

I think a piece of me knew all along
I would have to let you leave.
The day I said good bye
The words burned my lips
Like acid exactly like they did that day.
I said "I'm sorry."

Seven hours staring at empty
Beer bottles as you
Slam them on the table.
In fact, it's been months since
You slammed anything but beers
And I think that is where
We started to fall apart.

Three years since you left and
I cannot bring myself to love another.
I bet she is beautiful and
Kind and loving and
I bet she does not cause you to
Drink until you cannot feel.
Three years later and I realize now that
I will love you until I die.

Jul 2015 Yelena

I Don't Want to Write about You Anymore

Jul 2015 Yelena

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I Don't Want to Write about You Anymore

I'll never forget the way the sun
Hits your eyes, but I've
Forgotten the shade of
Ocean they resemble.

I fell in love with the trail
Of flowers that led from
Your grandmother's garden and
To your father's old wooden
Front door, through the kitchen
We once danced in and into
Your bedroom.

On days I cannot forget you,
I scrub a little harder in the shower.
I'm sure you no longer have
Your fingertips lost somewhere
Between my pores
(Better safe than sorry,
Like you always said).

You left me breathless from the
Day you told me I never
Deserved what he had done,
To the day you told me I never
Deserved you, either.

I sometimes catch myself
Screaming your name
In my dreams.

Jul 2015 Yelena

Blue Eyes

Jul 2015 Yelena

Tark Wain

Blue Eyes

All words once used
to describe the eyes the color blue
tied together, tried and true
are still nowhere near good enough for you

#eyes #blue #you

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