Rewind to the first day you Asked me to marry you. It was raining, I wanted to kiss you.
December of our first year married; You woke me up every morning To watch the snow fall. I rolled my eyes as you Watched like a child. You looked at me the same way.
Our first Christmas together was About the same. It was Only two years prior to our marriage And you bought me a necklace. I wore it every day Until the day you left. I hope the river likes jewelry As much as I did.
Fast forward to our Second spring together. You pulled the car over on the side Of the road to pick a wild flower. We were already running late. We always seemed to do Everything too late.
Fourteen and a half days later You told me you wanted me To buy a nice dress for myself And meet you at a restaurant. I told you no, I had work in the morning. You drank every night For a month after that.
You sang to my small unborn baby Bump every night before bed. Our next trip to see our baby's face Did not go as planned. You never could get me out of that Black dress after her wake And your eyes matched it Perfectly every day after.
Fast forward to the day before you Asked me to sign the divorce papers. We made love. I cried and said "this isn't working." You said "I know."
I could hear you cry from the Other side of the bed And your hands felt miles away. I remembered the first time You touched me this way, Long before your hands Were calloused. We were Hell bent on doing it And I could hear the same lack Of hesitation in your voice when You said you had to leave.
Flash back to the first time I told you I loved you. I said it too soon. You said it back, I didn't expect you to.
You left your ring on the Coffee table our last night. Suddenly I missed the rings Of condensation marking the Table every night and the Clanking noise your ring Finger made against the beer Bottles after every fight.
I wish I could have been enough To stop you from drinking. I remember when you drove away. "Turn around and beg me to stay. Turn around and beg me to stay." You didn't turn around and I did not stay.
I passed the garden we were Married in on my way to the court House to sign the final papers. A couple was leaving, newly wedded. I find irony in that.
A few years later I passed you On the street. It was snowing, you had that same Look in your eyes. You smiled at me, a distant "I'm sorry," smile. I nodded, but I could not smile back. You see, I never stopped loving you, But I was never sorry for Letting you leave.
I still find your cuff links buried In my jewelry box some days. This is the day I watched the Locket you gave me Sink to the bottom of a river. I think you could find my Hope lying there, too.
Remember the time you kissed me In the rain? First slow and timid, then Passionate as if it was the Last time we would ever kiss again. I apologized thirteen times that day For things that had Not happened yet.
I think a piece of me knew all along I would have to let you leave. The day I said good bye The words burned my lips Like acid exactly like they did that day. I said "I'm sorry."
Seven hours staring at empty Beer bottles as you Slam them on the table. In fact, it's been months since You slammed anything but beers And I think that is where We started to fall apart.
Three years since you left and I cannot bring myself to love another. I bet she is beautiful and Kind and loving and I bet she does not cause you to Drink until you cannot feel. Three years later and I realize now that I will love you until I die.