Who am I now to be?
I can't form a coherent thought.
From this life, from what I can see,
I never done that a lot
I pick and choose
Who and what I believe I can't lose
And let them infect me..
As a vessel for their use
I bide my time
Commit some crimes
Confess it all within a rhyme
And act as if I've been more than fine.
I hear them all, my guiding reasons
To why I'm still alive
My friendship, loyal to a fault
My honor, well intact
My humor, it always wins them all
My love, is a bit more complicated than that
I hurt them
Well, I make an impression, it seems
It's the kind that makes you question love
And the dark corners in between
Those feel they can't live without me
When I've seen others do just that
My self worth is waning
And I see
No amount of humor can bring it back
I guess I must face what I obviously lack
I'll live your dreams
But only on my reality's track
Where's the focus?
Where's that push?
Where's the certainty?
Where's the truth?
The drunken line won't get me much
I feel your pains before I feel your touch
And all those lost, far and wide
Always fall clumsily within my stride
And making me question why I'm alive
If not for them then nothing
Or so I'm told
Their love is much stronger
Their love is much more bold
I've heard it all
And now I've become a bit more older
Is your heart beating faster?
Am I the breath you take?
Am I the one to solve it all?
Did you come to me to break?
Give me and answer
For devil's sakes.
I must know who I become
Each day I wake
And god forbid if I forsake
Anyone's pleas
And their burdens I'll take
No thought to my own
Those thoughts are kept
To desecrate
So spare me the time
Mine is all but spent
I stand at attention
But I can never keep track
To where my mind went
Say I don't care
Say my loyalties lie elsewhere
Say that those who I love and cherish
Will leave my chest cavity bare
And I love you as much as I can
I swear
Still, know that I love
With a seething glare
I'm all but aware
That my shattered self
Isn't always there
My heart's in the right place
However
My recollection is bare
Make me feel what you want me to
In times of war
I know how to get through
Wether it's my time or love or body or more
I'd lose myself
Just to find all of you

Tired and beaten.
Clothes ragged and moth eaten.
Trudging the last few sad and broken miles
crushing the disappointment of our lifetime of trials.
And a whole world for a bit of rest!
Bunched up sheets and pillows our nest.
Age may serve to wash away our rage...
But it's still a tear soaked journey to the grave.

She stands on mountain tops and old lofts
and buildings that reach steel toward the sky.
From here there is perspective,
if you want to call it that,
A certain willingness to fear.
And she soars on scary because
the butterflies feel like dying
and nothing has ever made her feel
more alive.

She packed a hundred regrets
into the lifetime of one.
And they ran from her then,
because they were new and grown.
She called after them as they flew.
She tried to run them down. But the clouds kept them.
And she was without.

She would trade the ******* world to fly.
And who wouldn't?

Where has the wonder gone? Where now is our youth?
She tried to trap it and keep it and learned the only truth.
She couldn't hold it any longer.
If only she were stronger.
But darkness doesn't need to blink.
All we do is wait and worry and think.

She tried, for a time, to sleep forever.
In dreams seeing things that awake she had missed.
She spun the clock hands backward
a hundred thousand times.
It never came back though.
She'd missed it and she cried.

She'd trade her ******* soul to make it right.
But she can't....


....Try as she might.

Ties myself to the trees
Ropes tightened around my wrists and feet
Throw a rock on the gas petal rip my body apart
Have my intestines and blood stain the trunk of my car
Take me to the black room at the back of the rave
Stick four needles in each pupil let me feel all of that pain
I'd rather take a knife cut off my finger tips
Stick em in lemon juice stinging like acid
Watch my blood dilute the yellowish liquid
I'd rather **** myself then to ever live
Put the pistol to my temple give myself what i deserve
I know my own worth that's why i wanna die in the dirt
These demons they're yelling, whispering to me.
Speaking of things i have already seen. Telling me that it's okay to sleep. Knowing i see dead faces in my dreams. Lately my nightmares have been changing. ****** features of the figments rearranging. Went from older bro to two girls to one girl to nothing. Thinking of them my chest I'm clutching
So what is it this figment this dark shadowy figure. Mister miss me lately call you when you're crazy. Let me know when you're happy so i can bring the rain please. Let me crawl inside your head just to lay eggs of sadness you see. This shadowy figure is embodiment of depression to me
Words, words, words, words let me show you what they do. Tell me I'm worthless leave me battered and bruised. By pronouns and adjectives. Making me feel a whole lot Dif-ferent. The bottle of ***** in ya locker that you sip so casually. Seems to be the only vice i have that i see. Your image and reflection in this shot glasses i drink from. Makes me feel like i won't reach kindgom come. Maybe I'm Destined for hell in a 1 by 1 foot cell.
Fill up my bathtub with ******* water and a couple bottles of ***** then. I can sip a little bit while i start pondering. Feeling like sunday night dreading life like monday morning. Only thoughts i really have are of gruesome demons eating me slowly. Make me want to crawl to the kitchen and use a knife to feel a little more "holy". Funny how you used to shove jesus down my throat. Now I'm cursing him with blood guzzling out my throat.
Dark shadows envelope me
Wrapped a noose around my neck so i couldn't breathe
Depression was a drug to me like ecstasy
Tightened the noose i still don't wanna be
**** living without a meaning worthless never been worth ****
Depression hit me like a train knocked me off the chair now my limp body is hanging in the air
I'd rather sleep in the alleyways
Drink till I'm in a daze
Smoke till my mind is hazed
Cut till i don't ******* bleed
Drowning till i can't ******* breathe
All the memories start to fade day after ******* day
Run out into traffic just to take the pain away

Enid told me
about the chair.
Just an ordinary
chair; wooden chair

with open spaces
at the back. Made
marks on her back
where he'd made her

sit so long and where
she leaned back. So
what did your old man
keep you in the chair

for so long for? I asked
as we stood by the metal
green painted fence
surrounding the grass

outside Banks House.
Cross examination,
she said, looking away
from me, her eyes behind

her thick lens glasses
gazing at the fresh fish
shop across the road.
What was he cross

examining you about?
Someone took money
from the money teapot:
15/- it was, so he said.

And he thought you
took it? She nodded
her head. Wasn't me,
I never took it. Who

did? No idea; my big
brother maybe, he
needs it, not me. I
looked at her standing

beside me by the fence,
our feet on the space
of pavement. Did he
hurt you? She bit her

lower lip. He kept me
in the chair. He said
he was keeping me in
the chair until I owned up.

And did you? I didn't take
the money. I thought he'd
give up once he realized
I never took the money

and let me go, but he
didn't, he walked around
me, hands behind his back,
asking me questions. And

where was your mother in
all this? She sat on the sofa
chewing on her handkerchief
saying: tell him the truth

Enid, tell him the truth.
Enid sat by the fence,
hands each side of her.  
So what happened? I asked,

looking for signs of bruises
and such. He walked round
me and said: I'm not letting
you go until you tell the truth.

I said I didn't take the money.
He clouted me about the head
after ten minutes. You'll not
get off this time, he said.

My head spun. My mum
left the room. He told her
go get some tea on. I looked
at him, but only as he passed

in front of me, not all the
way round so sometimes he  
was out of sight and I didn't
know what he was going to

do next. He hurt you after that?
I asked. He dragged me off
the chair and sat down himself
and gripped my wrist tight.

He made me stand there for
ages, him griping my wrist,
talking, talking. My legs ached.
Wanted to sit on the chair. She

was silent; looked at the fresh
fish shop. Then he dragged me
over, and hit me until I said
I had the money. And did you?

I asked. I knew she had.
The face told me. The eyes
behind her thick lens glasses
told me. She nodded, looked

away. A horse drawn coal
wagon went by along
Rockingham Street, the coal
man sitting on the sack cloth

seat dour faced. How about
some chips from Neptune's?
I said, looking at her, at her
grey faded flower dress and

the dull green cardigan, her
hair pinned back by two metal  
hair grips at the side. I didn't
have it, didn't have the money,

she said, just said it because
of him hurting me. I know,
I said, don't talk of it again.
She nodded and we walked

up Meadow Row, in the slow
beginning coming down rain.

i dont wear bras

          my **** will look great when im old

i gave up on makeup

          unless its a special occasion or my friends are convincing

my fingernails and toenails are clean

              nail polish prevents your nails from breathing

ive outgrown my asthma

       my lungs rise and fall

          so deeply, so freely

since i was 15

   there has always been a boy in my life

          i intend to cross that off the list too

Counting the grains of sand on the beach.
An unrealistic fantasy I am unable to reach.
A sadness you have to experience to teach.

Poor Harmony forever alone & *****.
Loneliness so heavy like lead.
No offering but stale & moldy bread.
A daughter poor & unfed.
An existence unloved & eventually dead.
A love letter unopened & unread.
A broken heart ripped & bled.
Sorrow & despair mutually unfelt & unsaid.
Like counting the hair folicules on your head.
A soulmate to never share a bed.
A hunger neglected & unfed.

i'll stop expecting much
i won't ask too many questions
i'll just trace your lips with my fingertips
and work for the attention
>>let's just have fun<<

I bleed in different shades
of poetry. I don't bleed in
the colours of red. I write
down love letters for you.
To guide you on the days
where i can't come over
to hold your hand and kiss
your neck. To light the darkness
found in your room. To shut
the noise in your head. And  
to scare the shadows that come
out every night wanting to play.
I write these words for you. The
letters back down in my throat.
I won't deny it hurts to choke
on love. They are too shy
to tremble from my lips.
Therefore i sigh and write
them down with nothing
but black ink, a pen and a
gentle kiss on your
coffee coloured
skin* ~

I can't wait
And I hope you come
So when I invite you
And it's over the top
Don't think I'm weird
I'm just having fun