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Jamie Aug 11
I'm better now
My skin is healed
Only scars remaining

I'm better now
I take a few too many
Medications

I'm better now
It's... Easier to smile
My heart is more open to your love

I'm better now
I still think of suicide everyday
Consider who would miss me

I'm better now
When I drop the glass
I am suddenly worthless

I'm better now
Bees buzz in my ear
Tell me lies as they look in my eyes

I'm better now
I prepare for you to die
Because you never know...

I'm better now
Flashes of blood and gore
Will spot my vision

I'm not as bad now
I need to remember
How bad it was before
To remember how good I am now.
Jamie Aug 11
Dear new therapist
Here are some things that not everyone knows about me
I have strong opinions
I am not free
I live a life on eggshells
As my mind seems to hate me
I talk to myself more then Ill talk to you
I know the steps to fix this
But you must keep in mind
I don't believe I can ever be ‘Fine’
There are days when I'm happy
The darkness takes a step back
But it's not afraid to start creeping back
My mind feeds me images of death and despair
And I swear I do try not to care
I know it lies to me often-
I must warn you, you wont wake up tomorrow morning
People annoy me
It's not their fault
I know I'm not superior
But it might seem like I think that's not true
I hate my own actions more than you
The critique in my brain does not shut up often
My mother tells me that I am a magnet
That I shine when I keep my shoulders open
I try to believe her
But my mind is broken fragments
Of a past me who is no longer important
I used to spend most of my time with others
But they used and abused me
And sent me away will less of me then i came with
Now i take my space
Only spend my time with people who are great
My life is good I wont lie
The problem lies within my mind
Thank you for taking the time to read
Give me a heads up before you leave.
Jamie Jul 28
They make a hobby out of inappropriate jokes
To tell them to stop is to be told you are not one of them
As if
you ever were

You know your paranoia pushes you further
If they knew the would never see you the same
but do they really See you now?

you laugh to yourself
as you pick blue instead of pink
As if it makes a difference

Your shoulders swallow you whole

without your binder
you are naked
and exposed

Their bodies seem to fit them
comfortable and snug
Like a glove

While yours is like a glove
two sizes too small
and the wrong amount of fingers

I try to focus on the things that help
my voice has lowered
and my face has hair

But dysphoria is a funny thing
its still new to me
Jamie Jul 28
Hamilton plays in the kitchen
My eyes growing heavier each song
Staff are messing around as if
they are children on the playground
The world around me is moving
but for once i am allowed to be
still

My mind slows down for the first time in awhile
and the world becomes
a warm blanket
Comfortable and dark

Thank you
Jamie Jul 28
My therapist told me
I show symptoms of OCD
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
But I do not have it

My days are full of fowl
images
that spread through my brain

like poison
down the waterfall
of my mind

I hold my chest
and whisper goodbye
to my mother

Only I know of the
fatal accident
that will take her life today

I keep the thoughts close
like toddlers running off to play
If I lose track of them
They will become trouble

I'm used to these thoughts
they used to shake me to my core
they don't seem to anymore

I am scared
But I am prepared
I tell myself
Jamie Jul 5
I remember this nightmare
from years ago
it still haunts me

I'm out of breath
Running
Running
  Running
Something is following me
I run through the halls
of a small
orphanage
Kids watching me as if
I have gone crazy

I burst through the back door
scramble into
A abandoned school bus?
and hide behind one of the seats

Suddenly my Dog is next to me
And a woman with hair made of fire
Is holding a gun to her
She says nothing but I know
its my dog or the orphans

The next thing I know
The fire haired woman is gone
and I hear gunshots
and screams
Jamie Jul 5
My therapist told me
I show symptoms of OCD
But I do not have it

My days are full of fowl
images
that spread through my brain
like water

I hold my chest
and whisper goodbye
to my mother

Only I know of the
fatal accident
that will take her life today

I keep the thoughts close
like toddlers running off to get into trouble
If I lose track of them
They will become the truth

I'm used to these thoughts
they used to shake me to my core
they don't anymore

I'm prepared for the worst
I tell myself
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