i look down to a knife plunged in my chest
my heart lays elsewhere
wrung out and lifeless.
how, can i be expected to breathe
when there were never lungs to support me.
how, can i be expected to breathe
when i'm burning on the inside out.

- a.g.

Santa Fe, Texas
May 18, 2018

welcome to America.
where there had been 11 school shootings before
the end of january of 2018.
welcome to America
where the mentality of the attacker
is the problem,
and not the system.
welcome to America
where a 17 year old Pakistani girl was killed in her school
among 9 other beautiful souls.
welcome to America, Sabika
which was greeted to you nearly six months ago
where you arrived in the "land of hopes and dreams"
to learn and grow and achieve.
welcome to America
the country that showed promise from the looming Taliban threats in Karachi, your hometown.
welcome to America
the country that you were going to help save Pakistan
by building stronger US - Pakistan relationships
and showing women empowerment by being
(possibly) the second female prime minister of Pakistan.
never again would you watch fireworks explode in the sky on August 14
never again would you count up your money on Eid
never again would you eat your mom's biryani on a hot summer day.
welcome to America, Sabika Sheikh
your hopes and dreams were alive and floating
in the land you gave your heart to
and the land that would take it away.

- a.g.

one, two, three
one, two, three
one, two, three
i count the seconds that pass by me
floating away
into the unknown
there is a scene laid out in front me
with the actors and actresses taking their places
i am simply a side character
watching the plot unfold
some friends besides me
a couple of laughs drift away in the distance
they escape my grasp
i can’t seem to touch anything

everything is too perfect, too good, too scripted
everything is right in front of me
life is awaiting ahead
not even an inch away
yet it’s not real
i’m not real
i can’t feel real.

- a.g.

i don’t love everyone i meet
but i do love all the food i eat

- a.g.

i know we haven’t talked
i know it’s been a while
i know that it’s kinda my fault
but i still miss you
i miss your fast talking and crazy stories
i miss your dyed hair and red arms
i really, really miss you
i miss our hangouts before class
i miss our planned birthday parties
i miss our ranting about how mean our friends were
i really, really, really miss you
i miss your old car with the cupcake sticker
i miss your loft bed and starbursts from math class
but most of all
i miss us

- a.g.

too much feeling
too much hiding
way too many fake smiles
invisible to the naked eye.
go ahead and shatter my skull
break my bones
i'll lend you the hammer.
because, darling
this is nothing compared to the hurricane of contradictions in my head.
i have a war zone that's burning itself alive.
so break me down
with your words and sharp tongue
maybe i'll build myself back up
if i'm feeling bored.
because no matter if i'm still broken
or i'm restoring my fractured pieces
the outside,
will always remain the same.
unpierced
and untouched
still smiling through the pain.

- a.g.

A secret smile
A shared glance
Or eye contact that lasted a second too long
You yearn to reach out
Say something
Anything
Then it’s over
                        They’re gone

This happens everytime
Everytime,
Those perfect strangers who catch your eye
Who make you long to know more
But it always ends the same
Those perfect strangers
Who had so much potential
But nothing happened

today,
i am finally giving up the lie i hide behind.
an intricate labyrinth of webs spun by my fast fingers and rapid mouth.
i,
am a hypocrite.

my life is a series of encouraging the ones i love to the best of my ability.
doing the most i can to boost their morality,
showing them their self worth,
proving to them that they,
are amazing.
and that they,
will be okay.
but who can preach about all of these things,
when they themselves are a liar.
when they themselves can't even stand to look in the mirror
because of the disappointment they know they'll find.
when they themselves are telling other people that they are extraordinary, reminding them how much you love them,
when you don't even love yourself.
you don't even like yourself.
and the only thing keeping you down on the ground
is because you would never want to hurt the ones you love.

it's easier to tell other people all these wonderful things that you see in them
but have never seen within you.

- a.g.