time is a funny thing.
i've convinced myself that the life i'm living right now,
will barely matter in the next 10 years.
every small setback i ever face,
is merely a small blip in this universe of my worries.

there is a quote that i once heard half a million lifetimes ago that i think about almost every day.
it says, "every time you think what you're facing will be the end of the world, stop and think to yourself for a moment, in five years, will this matter?"
and i would like to say that i live by this quote,
and i do,
but sometimes,
life will get to me.
sometimes a missing homework assignment will feel like the end of the world.
sometimes my audition feels like it will be the end of me.
sometimes the tiniest, or seemingly biggest, obstacles seem like an impossible block in my life.
i know that my hours spent doing homework and trying to keep up with my schedule will be nothing.
i know that everything will get better.
i know that i will be okay.

but i simply can't believe that right now.  

- a.g.

my mind is a chaotic place
demons and witches run free
no order inside of me.

nothing really makes sense right now
i can't see clearly out of my tear stained eyes
with bags drooping low underneath them.

the only thing i can count on is the future.
the future will be better.
it will get better.
i will be better.
the future is not within my horizon but its presence is always near
and i can tell that everything will start to make sense in the future
the future will be better.
it will get better.
i will be better.

all i have to do now
is wait.

- a.g.

happiness occurs to me in little chunks now.
the tiny things in life are giving me a smile.
a long text message from a friend to cheer me up.
having a good day.
feeling happy.
genuine, real, smiles.

i can't help but feel so guilty when i'm happy.
like all my pain and suffering is being replaced with a fake smile
i try to say no.
that i can be happy while i'm sad.
but i still feel guilty
for feeling this way.

- a.g.

with all this work around me i start to wonder
when will i collapse?

collapse from the sleepless nights from too much worrying
collapse from the hours of homework that fill my days
collapse from the procrastination i can't cure myself of
collapse from the stress of all my commitments that haven't even started yet
collapse from the expectations that nobody has set upon me
but from the expectations that i put on myself.

collapse from all the love and support from my family and friends
because i never thought anyone could care this much about me.

i want to scream and shout that this much love in my life is so hard to feel grateful towards when my thoughts are constantly turning and wondering
when will i collapse?

-  a.g.

walking around i seek
the first time where i feel truly me.
out from the shadows, at last emerging
the suns sweet rays surging
with the energy i feel,
and begin to feel real.

- a.g.

She wears a mask of steel around her face,
That one can never break,
She stashes her feelings behind her smile,
But to discover them would be worthwhile,
She seems fine on the outside,
While she pushes her emotions aside
Onto the platter of feelings that drowns
Beside the superficial wearing crown,
When she just wants to scream
This isn’t the real me

This mask developed over time
From the harsh words she was forced to mime,
The feelings that she had within,
Came about her thick buckskin
No longer can the feelings break through
Bittersweet tears swept away as her spirit bid adieu

- a.g.

I am sinking.
I am sinking into a whole of darkness,
Where all around me is dark
And black
And people.
People who are moving and smiling and waving.
Hoping to carry on their energy into me,
Giving their best and hopes and wishes in their “I’m so sorry”,
Striving for their positive auras to infiltrate into mine.
But I’m still sinking.
And worrying and stressing and stretching and pulling at my limits,
Which have already broken and fallen in shards,
Long ago.
I sink and sink and watch as the hands above are reaching to pull me out.
Sometimes arms and legs and everything they can do to reach to me.
But I can’t pull myself up.
So there I sink by myself.
But persuading the minds around me that the depth of my troubles,
Is on the ground they stand on.
And I’m fine,
In their minds.
But simultaneously putting on the greatest show of all,
The persona of happiness.

- a.g.