if you want to go, then go
but do not make me feel as though it is my fault
simply apologize and gracefully back away
do not first break me down to nothing
and then burn what is left
your issues and lies are not my fault
so i will be the one to gracefully leave
if you want to see me
then i will wait for you to call
but i will not reach for you first
i did it for too long
it is your turn to feel alone
i'm not spiteful
simply fair
you believe yourself to be the judge
let me be the executioner

everyone has movies that comfort them
mine is "as above so below"
it makes no sense and that's why i love it so much
i watch it every night
a group of people are lost in the catacombs under paris
and terrifiying things keep happening and they keep dying
i think i compare it to my life
and i like a reason to fear something else than my reality

an ode to my soundcloud rapper.
it's 1:30 am on a wednesday night
i should be doing my homework or sleeping

i'm supposed to surprise you friday at work
but
you sent me a snapchat a few hours ago
that has me spinning to hard to drive the 4 hours home to you
"i'm sorry for trespassing on your heart. you just aren't as spiritually mature as the woman i am going to be with needs to be"
and then you went to bed
well actually
you opened my response an hour later
and then
ignored me
i just wanted to hear your voice one last time
is that so awful?

no it isn't
what is awful
is that you said you wanted to marry me
and that you wanted to be with me the rest of your life
you said that women deserve to be treated like queens and that's how you would treat me.
when i told my best friend that, she just looked at me and i could see the pitty in her eyes. when she spoke, i didn't hear the words so much as i heard the underlying warning, comforting, anger, fear, sadness.
"he sounds like a stupid *** soundcloud rapper"
"no" i said "he is a good Christian guy. he wants to treat me right."


i know you think you are speaking life into people's lives. i know you don't care how much it hurts them. but you should. i am not going to change for you. i am changing for myself. so that when you see me years from now, you can see that i grew through your toxicity. that it was simply a stepping stone. so, thank you for helping me realize even more warning signs. and for finally making me realize i should never apologize for standing up for myself. no matter how many people i lose along the way. goodbye until later.

do you know how ****** life is?
it is a bunch of people who don't trust
who are so ******* broken and bruised
who are trying to love each other
despite the pain of the past
but getting hurt over and over
turning to suicide as the only option

i tried turning there

my dad loves me when i go to the gym

says i need to get skinnier

gets me weight loss vitamins

he doesn't understand

i try to be understanding of his lack of understanding

instead i stop eating and say it is the gym

i see him proud when i lose weight

i only see myself getting fatter

Sometimes I want to die.
I'm not sure what comes after.

Grandpa says we're reborn amongst the stars,
That maybe we'll live on Mars.
I wonder if the sunrises would be just as colorful,
Or if the sky will drown in the same rusty red as the ground.

It's a recurring thought; the ins and outs of it all.
I think about it almost as often as grandma says she regrets keeping us.
That she should have let dad's family raise us to avoid all the fuss.
And that last bit stings.
It used to be my character was just like his,
The slap to the face I'd get for correcting her in front of others.
Now it's remorse for the life she led and throwing punches without the proper covers.
Bruised knuckles are better than split skin and sometimes the thought of getting caught is enough to stop a robber.

《》

Sometimes I want to die.
I'm not sure what comes after,
But Heaven would sound a lot like your laughter.