Lighthouse


Even though I'm blind
I hope that y'all can see
that you all are very hard to reach
even though we have hearts
and old-time wounds that bleed
we breathe the same smog
thinking that it ain't affecting me
but our minds are clouded
so no matter what you think
you all ain't fooling me

tap water, swallow 2 litres of sorrow everyday
work hard, pay bills, no time to work on my guilt today
Looking at my boss his expectations in the mirror every morning
looking at myself, swallow the bitter pill because I'm still not mourning
the void withing me is an excellent place
to fill with tears and fears
inhale poisonous smoke
ignore my blackening heart
I should clean out my closet
but I'm afraid of the dark

See what I mean?
I see you jump in an ocean of sorrow and guilt
drown yourself in bitter envy filled pills
I'm still standing on the side
where it's dry
hoping you're looking back when you've said goodbye
truth is
I just wanna go with my people
I just wanna go with my people
but I don't
and hope I never will

little pockets of dread.
Grey and cold.

I'm a withering leaf,
in the painful process of letting go.

My skin tears.
Flakes of despair falling in winter.

My heart cracks,
bark besides the road.

Came from far turned into a long way home.

Footprints through the mud,
woven shoelaces from dried grass.

An abandoned heart.
Soul shelters in an empty chamber.

Tears in a storm.
Grief hiding amongst drops.

In the presence of lastig absence,
thoughts staring at an empty canvas.

Little pockets.

loop, a reverse loop
the same story
a double standard
which is backwards
and went forward
or vice versa
two loops
in a loophole
three loops
make a paradox
which undid me
before I could end me
and it ended me
before I could meet my end
it made a new beginning
before I could start over

Where am I?
Where do I begin
and more importantly
Where does the socially created me begins
and ends?
My mind is filled with thoughts
some relevent, most of them are beyond my control.
So where am I?
Where do I reside in all this wiring?
Where is Me, in all this genetic coding?
The eight percent of my behaviour
dictated by the environment I grew up in.
This complete package that is molded by my perants
is great..
But where am I?
What is it that makes me, me?

Do I reside in my heart? All battered and torn?
Do I reside in my thoughts? All shattered and worn..
Do I reside in Life? Swimming but the currents are strong.
Thrown from left to right, do I reside in the shipwreck of this storm?
Or am I the shipwreck trying to get to the shore?
It's frustrating how I feel lost
and how I am trying to find back my core.
But these questions remain unanswered..
I hope I will find them when I am home..

Impenetrabel is his being.
Vulnerable is his essence.

Whenever I look at her I turn into **** Tucker from C&H;.

Eyes filled with pure malice..
lying gouged out on the floor..
a grin of pure ******
blood rushing out of my mouth
tongue cut out
panting heavily
pain raises
adrenaline..
endorfine..
to a maximum
this feels so, incredibly... good..
God..
On the edge of embodying madness
still pushing it's bounderies
I fasten the tourniquet..
One leg left to go..
Haha!
the dull bonesaw enters my flesh
cutting through the nerves..
slowly..
savoring..
panting..
with one arm left
I turn towards my desk
grab the quill and parchment.
this is going to be my masterpiece
hahahahahahahahaha

Crush your wishes
into an unwavering foundation.
Trample upon your dreams
for they should be turned into pavement.
Carve your goal into your soul.
Shed all your tears
because your back is turned to home.
Walk away from your loved ones.
Walk away from comfort all so you can grow.
So struggle and writhe in agony.
Find pleasure in the pain
of denying to dream,
because what matters,
should be turned into reality.
Have your hands bleed,
molding every thought,
into a stone cold brick.

Manifestation is the work of God.

Laugh because you challenge
and challenge is never easy.
Laugh because you'll lose
but let it not wither your determination.
Scream because you suffer
as you defy the road of billions.
Scream because you're in agony
growing pains for the child in you
As living your dreams is what adults
see and write off as fantasy,
but it's what you and I both know
we all should do.

Only Mankind can teach animals to express love and caring.

Why do the people I care about distance themselves from me?
Must be something I radiate. It must be, right?

Still I reach upward and on, and proceed trudging along
As I lead these brothers in arms, to achieve what's in our hearts
- Tonedeff

Head in the clouds,
Feet on the ground,

No need for a mentality check
Comfortable in a blanket
and my anxiety wrap
I'm chill.
I'm good.

Got food for thought that'll last of days

A connectivity check
Emotions relaxed
breathing....in
smiling....out

Walking a steady pace
when "I hear a funky beat
The music is so heavy
It's going straight to my feet"

On this mellow brick road.

Greasy fingerprints on the window,
from the breakfast she smeared in her face.
Chocolate everywhere, which somehow wouldn't go away.
Hitting the window with her hands,
at the children across that play.
Waving 'hi',
the image in the window
slowly turns vague.
Don't forget the breathmarks of our dog
with a bunch of leftover food remains.
Saliva and pawprints,
nails carved in the window.
Barking at the neighbours dog.
Teens are competitive today.

All these beautifull memories here.
But I really gotta clean my window..

I shout at the heart of my era
At my young age, 24, plus five O's Soul Old.
I scream at it's core
I rattle and shake
At memories that lie sleep
buried at ancient graves
Knowledge flying free
Ash scattered, my past remains, way past yesterday

I am my soul incarnate
just another form, just another life

and that's why I scream
that's why I fight

I am not "just" I am more
I am it and it is me

and I feel incomplete
because "it" keeps a large part of me asleep

Blood drips from my finger tips.
Pieces of my soul glue together my shattered heart.
The mirror is the purest witness of my self.
Eyes that acknowledge my past, present and future self.
But even a mirror can be broken.
It's vision can become blurry through the tears from the eyes that perceive the mirror as pure and honost.
Fragile is all existence, it's strength lies in flexibility and endurance.
Strength is the power to stay, to bend and adapt. The power to reflect back, to stare into the eyes of the future and to see the path you're carving. Not to control it but to bend it to your will with the goal of staying just a little bit longer. Another minute in which you can make a difference, another minute to bend your path and another minute here within the fragile fabric of this web called existence.

Red Light shining bright through the window in an edgy ally, where you can smell the sin and witness
lustfilled eyes of corrupt and narrow minded men.
Watch how they pick their flesh, a desperate attempt at relief of the madness lying within. A brief escape from a screaming consciousness's plea for help.
Young girls ostracized,productized, capitalized sitting in symbolized shelves. Behaviour manipulated to seamlessly service the brainwashed consumer's shallow needs. Cattle literally abusing human innocence in a legalised system.
A caged bird, where tears can only fly freely behind void eyes.
Desperate to the point they would sniff the coke from the dollar bill in search for small remnants of solace. Ironically it's the thought behind that dollar bill that put her there in the first place. Ironically it's that same dollar bill that might bring an oppertunity to escape.
Might leave a small opening in the cage. Emphasis on might.

A bedroom, where the nightlight shines darkgrey
A small boy sitting, fetus position, under his older sister's worn out desk
Never before have you met someone so young
weighing the options, positives and negatives
about life and death
testing, poking the knife he has in his chest
nobody has taught him anything about coping
good thing he knows everything about math instead
broken, his sister pinned down in father's bed
last time he accidently walked in
he was nearly beaten to death
He grabs the knife and seperates his soul from his flesh.
Society labels him and million others 'A Tragedy'.

Delivering freedom on the spot, dropped from high altitudes
by B52 Stealth Bombers, Lockheed AC-130's, F16's and unmanned MQ-1 Predators.  The Democratic system crashes into farmers, families, children and other people waiting for the food drop today. The explosion burns everything away.
Their souls desperately in search for their bodies which now lie scattered in ash, they can't go back to the physicall plane. They are forced to break away from their 6 month old daughter who 'miraculously' survived that day. Democracy making way for western influence, orphans turn into kids who perceive their nightlights dark grey.
Soldiers spot a baby, in a bloodbath, sitting.
Militairy lights hover over the scene, the blood reflects back a bright red.
This part of the city turned into a Red Light District.
The epitome of irony was a spark of creativity in the mind of a mad architect.

The kid is swooped into a country whom mercilessly obliterated her parents. Little brothers and sisters send to their dusty graves with the President's consent. Sixteen years later she meets her fifth one, social workers don't know what to do with her. Another two years later she's institutionalised, filled to the brim with drugs satisfying the needs of pharmaceutical companies. Trapped in a straight jacket, between four white walls. Being used to purchase meds to keep the production going. The least the useless can do is a word invented by capitalism: consumerism.
So they shall consume, such a harsh forced fate. Everybody's mind would break.
For those who's sun shines grey, where salvation waits on the thin line of a sharpened blade. I'll tell you, suffer needlessly. The world thrives on you.

Slither,
Slither in that ***** disgusting tarpit of yours
Suffer,
Suffer under the sheer weight of your own demise
as you pethetically die
crushed by the weight you handed yourself
in your own life
Never look up, keep looking down
The darkness of tar blinds you
not realising how low you have sunk
so disgustingly pethetically low..
Wither,
Wither away without ever seeing light
without ever seeing green fields
that you would simply stain with your presence
as merely gazing upon others would corrupt their hearts
with black spots and their minds would rot
within their bodies, infected cursed to damnation
Watch me.. Look me in the eyes
as I throw feathers down, followed by a lit match
Listen, as I loudly laugh at you burning
Standing yet again on the tarpit I climbed out of
forever victorious as my corrupted self
dies in excruciating pain
in the most humiliating way
Smoke rises from the tarpit
and the scent of my self
being burned to crisps
sparks screams of panic
from the living dead
that lie buried
in the Graveyard of my defeated Selves

I see threads,
patterns, you paint your path with
the scenery, fractals, consistent of consistency
consistancy consistent of constant consistents.
con, con, con..con
So I see lies in patterns emerged, I see spikes on paths,
traps embodied with wrath
Stray, blonde turned brown, paint yourself
outside the goldilocks zone for now
Out of sight, never out of mind
Cursed with memories, painted underneath my eyes
a blight on my existance, a blight on everything
A paradox, yet you keep persisting
You are what made me, me, now I am contradicting
Proud of who I am, who I became
ashamed of who I was, yet a necessary part in play
I you made your bane
I, victimized of your fears and hate
will smile each day
as I will slowly make you sure you break.

Today I am exceptionally happy.
...
Who am I fooling haha!

The clarity in my reflection,
feelings ripple in the water
as they wade through my being
and paddle me in motion
like petals floating in the wind.
Rising and falling,
drawing a fourth dimension
through a parallel within.
I love and want,
want, but doubt that I should get now.
I get that I should want
but restraint keeping me in check now.

When waves are tsunamis
I overtly stress,
show that I cope
but I covertly test and
hope that you don't see
that I openly digress.

Mirky waters
and ***** waves
stir the lake,
it's a stormy day.
Hazy mist
so no reflection,
turbelent water
turns my waves
in random action.
So while I look energetic
i'm actually stagnant.

Funneling all my energy
into the storm
because I learned that from turbulence
still waters are born

I step out from my little house
in the forrest and look at my reflection in the lake.
The sandstorm within is slowly dwindling
down like the little petals in the wind.
I sit down when clarity returns right as my smile begins.

This unshakable feeling wrapped around my heart
The clouds are dark
A tight straight jacket soaked
in an ounce of liquid "Lost"
Life has a tendency to rig a Spark
Lights flicker
Warmth, yet feeling a slight shiver
My mind's quiver empty,
as I let my last arrow loose
attached to a fishing line
wrapped around my neck
and tightened the noose
My last Lifeline

Those I miss most lie beyond my reach..
I hope my arrow reaches you..
I hope you'll find my lifeline..
And reel me towards you..
If not I'll die with a heart, hollow.
I guess that's fine too.

An old soul with a young heart
I do not fear death
For I have been there longer
than I have been alive
I'm not scared to
go back home
after a hard days work
A couple more lives...
your sons and daughters will
see the influence of my work
and my time spent here...
A couple more lives...
before my job here is done
and I can finally retire
and once more
become a part of
our collective conciousness
and your sons and daughters
will enkindle and move as one
I'd say a job well done

Back again.. at the place furthest from home.
This black pit of complete darkness..
Filled with an unknown colour of poisonous smoke.
Slowly but surely smothering me
the Hands of Lonineless gripping tighter around my throat
My heart weighs heavy..
pumping liquid lead, methane and deuterum oxide
through my body, numbing it, damaged beyond repair.
My body feels cold, sweating sulphuric tears
tearing away my smile from my face
as I laugh in despair.
Eyes widened high from the pain and toxins.
Grab the knife and slice it in my chest but all attempts are in vain
to carve out my sick heart.
My heart feels like it's stuck in Pandora's Box
destroyed by Seven Plagues.
The Noose of Life, looks more tempting with each passing day.
This open exit looks very inviting.
To feel the texture of the rope hang around my neck
Death's scythe standing by ready to collect
My numbed and tortured soul
Sick in this pit I try to make the best of it..
I'll call this place my home..

Stitch the Earth's scars with metal constructions.
Giant metal cables keeping tectonic plates together.
A dead patient, thunder's storms are raging,
a defibrillator, claiming millions of lives
but could it be our savior?
We are lost, bogged, trapped we have set these stages.
Seen Death with several faces
made bets, but Hell ain't gracious.
Accept that's what our fate is
Death, trapped is what our way is
Death that is what'll save us
Having our backs is what will break us...
Stabbing your back is what my rage does..
Stabbing our backs is what our hate does..
Savages, that is what this made us..

So it's best we dissapear...
" Hah, as if we have a choice in the matter."
*"The arrogance thinking we are bigger than what we are. This planet will stay long after we are gone. It will regenerate in time and eventually harbour new life."

If you truly did, you'd be dead.

No-Thingness

Everything devolves into structuredness because all things revert to singularity. To one entitity. It reverts to a single point of energy charged with infinite potential and pure conciousness.
An All-being dissolved of any structure and definition giving meaning to the No-Thingness inherent in the fabric of all existence.
We are omniscience expressed through a fragmented incomplete experience. More expressed through lesser, yet without this,
potential wouldn't come into fruition. Understanding comes with defining structures painted on the empty canvas of awareness. When we cease to paint, the color of awareness transforms emptiness into spaciousness. That's why through silence we can experience contentment in being. The practice is awareness without understanding.To understand that we are awareness without practice. Effortless. Duality is our illusion, our bounderies are imaginary. We only perceive the paradoxical expression of reality.
Like the notion of distance in the definition of interconnectivity.
Wholeness is incomprehensible presence.
It is the rigidity of our awareness that prevents us from flowing into it. Take water poured into existence, yet it takes the shape of an imaginary bowl. Held together by the tension of it's own convictions. It firmly believes in it's seperation and individuality.
Convinced of it's own shape, it does so against ironically impossible odds. It forgot it's place within No-Thingness yet that does not mean it's seperation. It merely means it does not recognize itself as the wholeness it perceives.

With my head high up the sky.
My feet finally landed on solid ground.
A giant.

I
feel
without
myself.

I'm so close to you
my lips barely touch yours
and I'm fighting a battle of selfcontrol
Our energies mix and take over the room
and the world peacefully dissolves around us
We forget that it exists...
my hands move slowly and gently to your face
and when they are as close to you as my lips are
I shift my entire awereness to my fingertips
everything is sensitive my whole essence is
I can feel your energy and body heat through my hands and being
I can feel you breathe, steady but shallow
you exhale ******, excitement and desire
you breath in hope, passion and love
fighting the same battle that I have
..we become thoughtless..
The energy around us starts to devour us
my hands finally touch your skin
loving, savouring and cherishing every inch
I slowly pull you in
my essence shifts to my lips
to the point where my soul is being kissed by your lips
the dance begins..

I peeled off my faces
with voices and expressions
to try to come to terms with sadness,
my development was heart agression

Questions filled with tears and doubt
thoughts filled with fear, it clouds

storm heavy, torn every
face from my body into a Skin Leather Jacket

My brain a smoked Onion Head
so all my heart could do was crack
tears trickled down
numbing my body like life "handed" a smack

Woke up groggy and slow
in the midst of a storm
Feeling foggy and old
stitched up and worn

Use my jacket as a blanket
as I lie in the eye of the storm
as I rest and transform
bare and naked
wholehearted again
as a man with many faces.

The thought of my mortality hurts me.
Because I see too much beauty
Feel to much love for life
See so much potential
and strength
through common
struggle and strife
How we can
toughen our hide
fall, rise
hands high
reaching for light
the power of believing
the power  that comes with hope
how sometimes we are lost
yet always find ways to our soul
we symbollically die in our lives
through time
numerous times
yet we rise, reborn
sometimes reformed
but miraculously
always stronger than before
how we build ourselves
on rocky shaky foundations
sometimes breaking
from crumbs of dust and stone
we will rebuild
the power that hides within us
are the stars in the sky
up high in my inner world

Words abandoned me today.
My thoughts race. No clue what I'm thinking except that I'm thinking.
I'm sleepy. I should get some rest. Probably would be for the best. But I don't want to. I don't want this miserable day to end, because I am more afraid of tomorrow. I barely eat, my hands tremble.. I'm shaky, weak, feeble, clumsy, falling.. Tired, awake, bleeding, leading myself astray.. but why?
Ironically because all I am feeling is sadness and pain. You flow in my veins but the weight of my love for you is simply to great. So I endure but I don't want to. I want to give up but I can't. I want to stop but I can't. I'm tired of fighting but my mind and body simply won't stop to rest. I don't want to die yet this seems like this will be a fight to the death..and I don't want to give in to my desire to see you.. it's frail and it hurts so I keep it close and deny. But I can't help but accept that without you I will die, this frail part of me that I hold so close to my side.. And when I show this side I can only show that I care. Stevie has writersblock so I wrote this poem as your dad.

Rip my heart open.
Void inside..
Splatter my brains..
Tidal wave of thoughts..
Expose my soul.
Black flames burning.
Dissect my life
See pure desire.
Witness my death..
The miracle of a wish granted...

As fragile as I am
As strong as I am to start showing my vulnerability
As reluctant as I am to show my inner self
as opportunistic that I am to seize every opportunity to do so
So many contradictions that are all so similar to which goal they lead
The contradictions make the obstacles so vivid, it all becomes clear
signal fires from old behavior begging to die
Bearing the incredible soothing rainstorm dousing the painfull fire
mending it with tears, healing the sore
listening to the screams that can be heard when acknowledging the fire
soothing the voices to silence with simple words but spoken with a depth of sincere understanding
"It's okay"
we lay open, tortured by our own pain
we fall some get up and build lives around obstacles in an attempt to lead comfortable lives
but still we lay open, bare and we feel the wounds
yet for some it blends in like background noise, just winds rotating around the obstacles
but I trudge along in the open scars, digging deeper towards someone I have always wanted to meet and look him straight in the eye with nothing but a look of sincere understanding
and simple words I would say:
"It's okay, let's go outside for a walk"
and I would guide myself outside
and look at the world for the first time..

drift within the pureness of self
where emptiness and space
make love

I peel layers off of me
bit by bit, flake by flake,
thought by thought.
Deeper.
Until blood drips.
Wounds fester.
Tears flow.
Salt burns.
I peel.
I dig. I struggle. I lose.
I dive.
Deeper.
I doubt. I fear. I crave. I long.
I need.
Deeper.
I reject. I loathe. I hate. I forgot.
I despise.
Deeper.
I run. I Lie. I manipulate. I escape.
I cry.
Deeper.
I obsess. I regret. I confess.
I detest.
Existing.

Deeper.
It's empty. There's space.
Room to breathe. I'm there
A presence.
I understand. I fill the space
I have with me and stretch.
There's room to grow. I plant a happy tree. A seed. A present.
I dug so deep, in the soil of me to plant a seed that lasts forever.

Phrasing!

Fragile are those petals
as they flutter in the wind.
Yet they dance so graciously,
when they let go
and embrace their vulnerability

Matrixed.

There are words stuck in the back of my throath
that I wouldn't dare speaking. Sentences formless,
water kept below boiling point. My tongue a
sharpened claymore. It's reach long,
it's swing heavy. Yes, I am a dangerous man.
Wielder of the most powerfull weapons.
My pen writes, shifting balance of words
influencing reality, developing perspective
of readers who don't tread carefully.
This is my space, in here I rule supreme
in here I create what no one could re-create.
Look through my mask and ask yourself
if it's not another mask. A man with layers
I go deep, with thoughts and feelings
I am weak, so I acknowledge what I see
What I see is you, despite you wanting to.
What you feel is what you do.
What you do is what you show
So what you show is what you feel
and what  you feel is the warmth of me
acknowledging you.
The illusion of distance, it is me
being next to all of you!

Take further steps
and I'll crush you with relentless force
The tides of society are already against you
and I'll send forth a tsunami wave
which will end this war
but that is if you take further steps..

I'll be passive, not attack you
nor defend myself
I'll be the neutal man
completely honost
and you'll get crushed by truth
the truth to which you are oblivious
By doing so I'll take away your power to blame me
because I'll make it so I can't be blamed..
by doing absolutely nothing
you'll deal yourself a relentless blow
that is if you take further steps..
So please... please don't..

Your love touched trauma
as my body shuddered.
Tension released
tears poured out as I wept in silence
as I wept in darkness
as I wept, a master of deception
My pain stayed outside your awareness
Your hands across my chest
created an image
of a baby being dried after taking a bath
both of your hands were enough to grab my torso
and I became painfully aware of how feeble I am
weak and dependent
Harsh thoughts, pethetic
somewhere, somehow seeking redemption
while there is nothing to redeem
my challenge lies in acceptance

A path my mind created to stray
A path my mind created to survive
Acceptence for me will be the end of me
this me, fitted to survive in a world no longer this world
but the previous one, another reality
that has been explored and discovered.
But just like this world and the previous one
I always defy the reality that I see
Because the reality that I see doesn't coincide with
what's inside this core of me.
This core of me desperately trying to break loose
in this pethetic shell,
I WANNA BE MYSELF, YET I'M STUCK IN THIS SELFMADE PRISON, IT'S HELL
YET I AM THE WARDEN, THE GUARD AND THE GUY DROPPING
THE SOAP.
I HOLD THE ******* KEYS YET I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO
ALL I CAN DO NOW IS SIT BEHIND MY DESK, ROLL ONE UP
AND TAKE A ****.. so...
I don't have a ******* answer, I simply don't know.

I'm going to take you on vacation one day.
To the most beautifull place on earth..[deleted]

Wait, that's not true the most beautifull place on earth would be right beside her

I'm going to take you on vacation one day..
To the most beautifull sight on earth..[deleted]

Wait, that's not true the most beautifull sight is seeing her...

I'm going to take you on vacation one day..
To the most...eh...hmm..

mezmerizing? no..
stunning? no..

I'm going to take you on a vacation one day. And we're going to a place that's beautifull and amazing but none of it will match the beauty I see in you. I feel blessed as to how I perceive you and the warm glow that follows when I do or think about you. It's an ancient feeling, it's roots lie within the creation of my very soul yet it is a completely new experience. Familiar yet unknown prior before discovering. There was only one option for me, one thing to do. Surrender, I fell to my knees, head low. Victorious. Seldom rose higher, seldom felt more love surge within me. So I'm going to stay with you, I want to, I have to and I'm going to take you on a vacation with me. But just know that no matter what place we will visit or whatever sight I set my eyes upon none of it can match the beauty I see in you.