I woke up, aching pain in my heart.
Lingering tears and heavy drops of sweat
dropping from my pounding chest.
Soaking my sheets.
Another night where I got drunk...
"Bottled Sorrow", hundred percent.
I want to grab a knife
carve the pain out of my chest
but I don't want to die
So I accept the lingering death..

Six nightmares in one night, all about you.

These caps split wigs like Arnold.

Three piece suit in the booth, ain't **** cute. - Sean Price.

Curse the Heavens and laugh when the sky electrocutes me - Immortal Technique

Turn pain into water
and drink it.
Let it rain on all those beautifull seeds
planted inside yourself.
Grow.
Create light in your mind
so the saplings can reach out and entangle within you
become fulfilled of yourself
and treat yourself with love, water and light.
But first, drink.

Earth's sadness pours upon me,
clothes soaked in tears
I shed my own..
casting aside my mask
curtains removed from the windows
I open them
and let it rain inside my heart
The Earth lets out a mighty roar
one from pain, one from hurt
our hearts open
as we both declare war
we stand firm readying our swords
we will not lose
we will not falter
we will not stop
until we are victorious

I just realized that it took me quite some time to realize that it takes quite some time to realize things you really need to realize.

A feeling of acceptance.  
Within these  four white walls.
Within this house.
Within this open air prison.
Rebellious.
Bound by night and day.
A slave of time.
Destined to follow the rules of nature.
Following the rules of space.
Rules that you can't break.
I abide against my will.
Rebellious.
Within the parameters of this atmosphere.
Within this solar system.
Within space and the infinite possibilities of what lies beyond.
Within infinity itself.
Am I, unimaginably small and
insignificant on a cosmic scale.
Yet within these white walls
I am rebellious.

"You already know everyone."

Their thoughts are filled with religion,
conscience drifting in nothingness
hearts hollow
and souls devoted to existenceless.

Concentration is sometimes as slippery as a bar of soap.

My voice has been stolen..
My hands have been bound..
My mind has been drugged..
A surface is nowhere to be felt
or found..
My legs are paralyzed
by a kiss so venomous
it has shut my entire system down..
Suffering from writers block
although this poem proves it's a paradox
for there is one ray of sunlight
shining through my wooden box
from two different sources of hope
that remain painfully in the distance
My eyes carve the words in the wood
within my poetic grave
She got away and I realized it too late
failed to see the death sentence on that lisence plate
as she literally drove away
with everything I loved
Just one thing remained..
the pain of a broken promise that she would stay

Now I've changed..
with a broken throat
I laugh within my shallow grave
For my voice has been taken away
but the fire still resides
I will fight, grab the shards
from my broken honour and pride
to get back what is both yours and mine..
My heart is healing in a safe place now..
Far from harm, only allowed to be tended by one person
My soul kept warm, steadily sleeping at home
never alone..
I will walk through day and night
my fire burning bright
fiery eyes, pierce through the darkest of nights
with wit, salvaged from my ancestors
to provide the sharpest of minds
to push for everything that is well within my right..
I will break out of this grave
because it is nothing more than an illusion
I will fight and at the end of the day
the truth will meet both our eyes..
Time to rise, the sun is burning bright
this morning..

Let us return to riddles
Questions that the ancients asked
Puzzle pieces scattered underneath our ash
Little images of a path
Recollections of a distant past
Bones of forgotten wrath
And skulls with a malicious laugh
This I ask
Let us be reduced to ash.
Let us return to past
End our path
Show thy wrath
And we'll greet the future with a malicious laugh

It all makes sense to me now.
Every circle I've been through.
Every loophole in my behavior identified.

But how to break this vicious cirkel of self neglect,
self medication and lack of self respect?

I burn incense, candles
and lay out tarot cards.
'
No answers, no clarity, not a slight hint from the universe.

Desperation sets in as I tumble deeper down the rabbit hole.
I'm looking for answers
but that is like looking for a glimpse to see what's under Alice her skirt.
Absolutely pointless.

I go round and round and round like I'm groveling in my own ***** and self pity.

And today I woke up.
And today I got the answer.



ALL HAIL CTHULU!

"I just want to make her happy"
"Why?
"Because seeing her being happy makes me happy"

Shadows dancing on the walls
sitting in my new apartment
one candle lit
Perfect symphony
flame and wind
a show of passion and freedom
Gods of the two dimensional world

Shadows dancing on the walls
ballet of dread
shadows of bloodsplatters
ripped muscles, hair
limbs fly freely in the air
a witness to a ****** scene

Shadows dancing on the walls
distorted figures
a show of psychoses
Gods gather on the walls
they give me instructions
a witness of the divine

Shadows dancing on the walls
they suddenly stand up
a show of intervention
the shadows whisper:'we are you'
I respond:'true, I'm me'
the shadows vanish
a witness of self acceptance

I am running
Endlessly
Out of patience.

This room could be painted pitch black
as far as I'm concerned
spend my nights in utter darkness
Alone..
Alone with my thoughts
My thoughts
Judgemental and self condemning my mind
My mind
Feeling depressed, angry I have to wake up at nine
At nine
I wake up praying that today I'll be brave enough to grab a nine
A nine
underneath my pillow, loaded, ready to take what's left of my time
My time
Desperate to make something of what's left.
What has left
is everything I cared for. But do I have the courage to die?
To die
is to grab the nine
the nine
now resting against my head
My head
splattered open as I welcome Death
welcome Death
now I know what it's like to die
to die
is leaving everything I have left behind
Left behind
Everything I forgot to cherish
Goodbye

Sitting in my bed. Can't really relax.
Feeling a bit tense, aware of my heart pounding in my chest. Swimming in the depths of my sheets. Looking for you. I panic, where are you? I try to find you even though you've never been here. I try to rationalise, gather my thoughts and let go of this feeling of what I really want. This craving, this constant ache and desire to wake up next tot you. The dissapointment that the laws of physics and nature won't make this one exception tot bring you here next to me through supernatural means. They don't discriminate and treat us fair and equal.Even though I'm blessed for having you in my life and experience and feel the love you give me. I cherish it but I can't seem to feel at ease. You're not here in bed with me, it's incomplete. So I grab my phone and look at your pictures. Seeing you makes me feel calm. So I can finally sleep. Het back in touch with my feelings and I feel your presence accompany me to my dreams. I hope I'll wake up there with you next to me.

Roll spliffs so big the smokerings turn passive smokers paralytic.
- Psiklone

Stevie, you know that idea is terrible right?

Shut up!

.....

Never dissapear from my heart.

These bonds will never sever.

Aware of every string vibrating
as the violin plays a melody
resonating with my sorrow
the sound and sadness
dance with perfect symphony
synchronized with my heart
my soul shivers
my being captured
in these vibrating strings
the audience watches
simply observing this dance
but not a smile or sound
to be found
the audience tries not to give in
and therefor gave in
to the sad melody
sung by my soul

I mean... He took my job!

I feel like I'm standing on the precipice
Another leap of faith
Another leap in the dark
Another trust fall

Facing the choice of self-belief
To persue a different path
with hardships to endure

Do I dare persue this passion?
Does my heart point in this direction?
I listen.. and calm my self.

Deafening winds on the mountain
I stand
I climbed high
I came from far

I grab my gear
and pack my experience

I smirk
ofcourse I'll jump

Because the difference now is.
that my brothers are waiting for me.

Time to shatter my current self.
Expose the feelings hiding within.
Bring months of rain, a monsoon
as I peel off my skin. Bare and naked
sadness for the world to witness.
I bleed, a martyr of my faith
that all is equal and all get their fair share
of pain. Some more than others
some which can not be justified underneath the face of the sun
or the scarred side of the moon. The strength and endurance found in bonds shared by red blood flowing in all our veins. I peel, cry and peel, I am tortured, I am enduring, I am struggling, I am living, I am dying, I am burning and the flame of hurt is doused by the rain of my sadness.
I am not guilty, yet I am accepting and acknowledging the impact your blow had in my sense of righteosness and my perception, which caused a switch in my  reality.  My loss of perception and perspective allowed me to redefine my understanding of equality, love and loyalty. For that I am gratefull, it has made me stronger and it has made me wiser. So know I am breaking so I can love.
I can see the sun shine beneath my own clouds and sadness. I can see the sun shine beneath my own chin and I can feel the sun's warmth beating in my chest. The moon symbolizing my sadness and negative emotions. It's mysteries waiting to be discovered, waiting to be unlocked, waiting to be freed. Just wanting to sigh with the feeling of purest relief. I am joyfully dancing in the rain, crying and in pain yet smiling and entertained.

Pain brings forth a storm,
fear forms clouds in sheltered hearts,
smiles bloom from silence.

So I sit and read.
Pages are made from cold leafs.
Absent is my touch.

Bitter winter bites
with an ear deafening bark.
I squeel and shiver.

The candle flickers,
a fleeting friend in dire times.
Don't rely on it.

I will not waver
when silence comes crashing down
I embrace my smile.

These are the sounds of the Harp,
Life strings from a mind dark,
to a light laugh, it defines sharp.

So surviving in these times are hard
for a kind heart.
I live life like the tides are
so I turn of the lights fast,
need to be blind, lost
stray with my mind far..

To shut out the pain of day and celebrate the nights march
then you'll see that my smiles are..
Nothing but a fine mask
master this craft that is life, it defines art.

So I ask myself where the signs are..

There are demons in my minds past
so what you find in my eyes; loss
lost like the tides are

There are times where i couldn't see love
in a light year, trying to find balance
yet you can't escape the strife there

So I stood in this light
yet all I did was find fear
but self love is right here

in facing the light of day
the rays of light
within the fear of living in your righteous way
It's tough finding Angels in what I have to face today

A hard rhythm from the strings of a smiling harp
giving me a tiny break but do i want to fight today?
So I escape from these rays
Now life making punches on my second name
Didn't know it was a ******* feint,
Shoulda fought instead of trying to catch a break
I'm tired man so let me have some rest today
or are you trying to catch a case?
you looking like a kid
making haste the way you reaching for a hit on that second base

So even if I'm walking through a cliff or a mountain range
I won't stray through mist or the morning haze
So what you give is a night dark
but will find light in a smile lost
life's strings play straight from the harp
I survive with a kind heart

Aside from my own sadness
Present like a vibrating string
playing a sad melody from my Soul's voilin
Trying to resurface
past tears I've desperately
tried to hold within
There are fresh tears
Sorrow and pain that I'm lovingly
breathing in
My heart is crying
My heart is scrying
desperately closing in
to take away what's hurting you
looking for new sounds
attaching new strings
composing and further developing my play
on my voilin
Exploiting this bond that you and I both share within
Even though we have never met
Even though we will in time
You probably don't realize
that deep down inside
I'm crying these tears
that aren't mine
This bond
These times
where Life lives up to your name
I'll try to take at least a part of your pain
Even through this distance
I feel so close to you
This bond we share can never sever
Because we have already shared  
this moment of intimacy
we cry together

Succumb to a place of light
Because the dark is comfortable,
Safe even,
The familiar feeling of lingering regret and failure
the wobbly walk of the night, supressing tears in self induced despair
Promises to others are more easily upheld than promises to yourself
Self sacrifice is a sad character.
Running away from those feelings of conflict is cowardice.
Running your mouth about loyalty now?
You lie, betray and manipulate on a daily basis.
You lie to your God, the one being truly capable
of changing your loyalty, the path you're bound to..
is you, sinner.
so..
Succumb to light

....
My eyes open
what I see is mist
green sillhouettes
a black sun
wicked souls
entering rifts
****** inside
confinement
bringing out all sins
they are hiding
but leaving their loved ones
silently crying beside them
blinded
voilently waving his arms
numerous desperate attempts to find them
hands extend to show him love and to soothe him
but every attempt literally goes right through him
his voice taken away
replaced by shrieks of the ******
family suffering
forcefully leaving this man
I got to flee while I can
before I share the same fate
get back to the world of the living
climbed the tallest skyscraper
within my partially impaired vision
and I fall, dead in front of The Necropolis Gate
A rift opens behind me..

I look down on you..
You're nothing, disgraceful
I hate you..I hate you
I HATE YOU..
Look at me..
I'm smarter than you
Better than you, in every way..
Wiser, kinder, **** good lookin'..
but you..
ugly, repulsive, small.. a worm..
a maggot, you feed on what is dead,
what is gone, what is no longer there
gluttonous, rotten stomach..
heart filled with an infinite void..
a pathetic writer and philosopher
even a worse father..
I loathe you
I'm stronger, mentally,
Physically, spiritually,
emotionally..
I can't even begin to fathom how you got under my skin..
that's made of iron
my heart a raging lion
flames of passion burning
with heat at my core like Zion
I swear to God..
I'm going to punch you in the face..
shatters the mirror
*walks away

Stand tall, overpowering all
an essential part of your essence
as much as I am part of you
I am an alien when compared to what you are
an individual amongst individuals
I am all of me there is no one else
no other race, no brother or sisters
but my perants are different..

My character, arrogance
insatiable greed
I
reside in both the strong and the weak
I'm there seven days in a week
and when all of you die
I cease to exist

Burn up oxygen in the sky
the deadly diet for the Ozon layer
push bottled water for max profit
throwing plastic bottles in the oceans water
Let a kid get rich for inventing plastic fishing techniques
in the deep pacific
monopolise it, capatalise it
full shelves of salty ocean water in your local shopping district
use manipulation tactics
Commercials filled with communication riddles
that I use to talk to my inner sanctum.
Because I am inside all of you
a part of your essence
an alien inside you
born in the present
I am your Thirst for Progression
A mindset sickening.

My voice fades...
Can you still hear me?
The masks are shattered.
The heart of Heartless
ripped out by it's own mask.

The pain is still..
I expected an eerie silence..
Or a merciless cold.
But I meet a loving warmth
with the subtle taste of tears as a response.

In this prison remains me.
Part of me left without letting me know.

The irony of iron bars..
it lingers with.. sadness still..
with pain and grief..
and silence..hesitant.. and insecure..

an abrupt end.
A shattered illusion
that was self imprisonment.

~ The convicted self.

Now I resolved that this place wasn't my home
accepted it, it was hard.. regretted it..
the descisions I made in my life
somewhere detested it
shredded, ripped
bogged down
heavy ****..

Didn't want to be bound by fear
decided I would at least be single for a year...

a week later
I met you here..
you crashed in here
cracks in my heart
you took your place in there
spreading your roots
strengthening my heart
ignited a spark
You took control
mending my thoughts and soul
and showed me the path
so I can make my way home

Now I face my fears
on solid ground I stand
No matter what I tell or think
you understand
you help me reflect, think back
and learn
that it's okay to yearn
express thoughts and the way that I show my love
You accept me...and help me accept me
For the first time I'm dealing with all my ****
so now I'm facing the dark
because you're the light shining through the cracks in my heart
Now I'm no longer bound by fear
Because there's no doubt in my heart that you are here

The world is a mad place to be.
Yet we're all here.
The majority. Makes it so.
We make it so. There is I and we.
Madness within peace. A singularity
In a clear pond, probably.
Truth in doubt and doubt in truth.
A lie in reality as we lie in reality
Watching the stars as we lie to reality.
We see, feel, hear, smell, taste, think and we both float and sink.
We perceive but we Don't perceive, unknown to us is what we Don't perceive so our limitation lies in the very light we use to uncover truth. To uncover truth means to pull away the cover that was covering truth. What covered truth, what force governs the cover? That force could be perceived by nothing but our own curiosity.

Yeah..

A circle inside a square
depth through silent prayer
a spectator keeping an eye on mind affairs

My thoughts rain, winds howl and scream
but I'm in peace, when I'm asleep
who else can I be but dreams?

Within my hands I've caught a glimmer of the ocean.
Rainbows of light made from a rising sunset.
I spread my roots and grow,
fertile soil is giving me some space
before it's genuine and deep embrace.

A twilight forms from out my feelings.
A brushstroke of sadness that
carries deep commitment
painted as light through black,
from past to present.
My darker hues
stand so proud and true
with uniforms and ancient medals.
Broken boots and blown out helmets.

They remind me of myself
And I realize that you are my reflection

and the one on an inward journey
is the observant you.

Defiance will risk its entire existence for its own survival.

Malice spreads slowly..
Oil crossing oceans..
Lightning strikes
Flames burn on my souls surface
Black Smoke
cloudy thoughts
poisonous..

Sickening
Trying to escape out of my body
listening..

...
Standing next to me, seeing my other half suffocate.
Black spots appear on my head and heart.
I scream for help but nobody can hear me
in this etherreal state
..
You look up to me
eyes pleading for help
You can see me?
she nods..
Can you hear me?
she nods..
Good, now listen to me..
she listens..

I **** in the oceans.
I **** on this Earth.
I **** on your homes
and I spit on your graves.
I **** in this place
where all your memories are made.
I curse in your world
and condemn this reality
I play with your beliefs
thoughts judged as blasphemy
to Hell with the consequences.
if you say you're older than me,
I'll say that I will outlive you.
I demand a different way
Because I am entitled to
I inhereted this place so I should rule
as I wanna rule.
You are old, weak and with few
so what're you gonna do?
I am always defying.
Take away my tongue
and I'll grab all the paper
Take away the paper
and I'll learn sign language
Take away sign language
I'll learn Braille
Take away Braille
than I'd still have my thoughts and vision
Take away my thoughts and vision
well by the time we get to that
you'll need to genocide this entire planet.
You will never shut me up
You will never withhold me from communication
That law is my *****! And I'll use her in whatever manner I want.

I will not stand by and watch you drive my home into the abyss
I need a place to ****, I need a place to eat, I need a place to **** and I need a place to sleep. I need a place to **** and I need a place to scream.
But most of all I need a place to live!
And I don't ever plan to leave, nor do I ever plan to die
Because I am the silenced voice of mankind
and I'm wired to survive in this life called Lies!

Plunge from the seat of humanity
in the chasms within abyss
Rip out my limbic system
and **** that parasitic sibling
without giving him an inkling
Rip out my senses, it's sickening
untill all that's left is a nervous system
Inject liquid anxiety that twists my reality
to standing in a mist of damp from parasitic fungi
Shower in liquid methane
cool my mellow heart
the bane of my existence
until it stops and all goes dark
and when I walk on a harrowed path
All hollow, lost..
cut me with a razor blade on every thought I make
Slice all my veins but don't let me fade away
Put my tongue in chains
And tear this kindness from my face
**** every mask I make
Punish me for my past mistakes
Free me from the kindness and the love I have today
So I can tear down this seat of my humanity
And Come back to the comfort of the darkest place

Cut deep inside my heart and you'll expose my loved ones true selves.