It's different now.
Depression is an illusion.

It's a place of transmutation.
It's a place of evolution.

It's a place of power.
A place where violent forces
serve the purpose of self transcendence.

So is this going to be

My Final Form?

A path of thorny roses
carved itself unto my skin.
I see her struggle,
her thirst and
desire for sunlight.

A petal falls
and blood trickles down my leg.

She fears that she will wither
before she opens up to bloom.

I gently caress the petal of the rose and whisper
is my pain of no concern to you?
My blood will not quench your thirst for sunlight.

Yet despite that she's nestling deeper
thorns buried
and aching
out of some form of misplaced necessity and desperation.

A desire to live, a desire to grow, a desire to blossom.

By the roots, I rip her out.

I am no means for her survival.
Nor am I afraid of pain.

Digging for treasures,
dusty pits,
shoveling ashes.
Where the dead lie forgotton.
When I put em there
I didn’t bother with caskets.

Old hollow bones
dead men tell no tales
and I sure as Hell can’t remember
what I did to them that got them here.

I dig and dig and dig
with candle light
past lives, flicker and dance in my shadow.
But I’m not here to watch their past amusements

What am I looking for?
In these vast swathes of grey land.
There are no answers in these Ashy oceans.
Waves of dust, skeletons drowned in pitiful regret.
Their last words lie at the bottom
damning those that dare and listen.
The wind howls without whispers.
There’s only silence that has been shed from life.
Meaningless and unimportant.

I need to think!
I shouldn’t doubt! Not here. Not where I am now.
The answer is right in front of me.
So what am I not seeing?

There’s only barren ash
and buried past.
A grey sky, heavy clouds of black thoughts.
I got a parched throat and no water.

I take a deep breath.
And the answer is right there
in front of me.

I stand up. I know what I need to do
to turn this place into Fertile land.

When I don't give a **** then I ain't fair.

I see Gods, wearing masks of self betrayal.

They spawn on a green surface
where they feast on the carcass of Creation.
A worldwide theater opens and their inherited ancestral traumas
play out their parts to perfection on the stage of current events.
Their projections are as clear as a day of light pollution,
muddling the bright night skies.
It is the atmosphere that reflects the ocean
and I see pockets of plastic black float in oily hues.
You drink the poison in your waters and you turn into acidic cynics.

Earths mirror is soiled and broken.
It's shattered fragments reflects distorted voices,
that are making love to your inner critics.
Silent whispers slowly mold you into discordant individuals,
with fragmented autonomies as parts but stitched together woven incompleteness.

With your heritage you've denied your weakness.
I grit my teeth as I part with tears of shame.
A loud laugh comes forth from a defiant heart.
A storm dark yet no clouds pass.
Why do you brandish scars with bitter flames?

Fragile are those petals
as they flutter in the wind.
Yet they dance so graciously,
when they let go
and embrace their vulnerability

A circle inside a square
depth through silent prayer
a spectator keeping an eye on mind affairs

My thoughts rain, winds howl and scream
but I'm in peace, when I'm asleep
who else can I be but dreams?

Within my hands I've caught a glimmer of the ocean.
Rainbows of light made from a rising sunset.
I spread my roots and grow,
fertile soil is giving me some space
before it's genuine and deep embrace.

A twilight forms from out my feelings.
A brushstroke of sadness that
carries deep commitment
painted as light through black,
from past to present.
My darker hues
stand so proud and true
with uniforms and ancient medals.
Broken boots and blown out helmets.

They remind me of myself
And I realize that you are my reflection

and the one on an inward journey
is the observant you.

"She's out of your league bro."
..
" Only out of my financial league."

Starstruck I gaze at
memories that glimmer faint
and hide in old light

No-Thingness

Everything devolves into structuredness because all things revert to singularity. To one entitity. It reverts to a single point of energy charged with infinite potential and pure conciousness.
An All-being dissolved of any structure and definition giving meaning to the No-Thingness inherent in the fabric of all existence.
We are omniscience expressed through a fragmented incomplete experience. More expressed through lesser, yet without this,
potential wouldn't come into fruition. Understanding comes with defining structures painted on the empty canvas of awareness. When we cease to paint, the color of awareness transforms emptiness into spaciousness. That's why through silence we can experience contentment in being. The practice is awareness without understanding.To understand that we are awareness without practice. Effortless. Duality is our illusion, our bounderies are imaginary. We only perceive the paradoxical expression of reality.
Like the notion of distance in the definition of interconnectivity.
Wholeness is incomprehensible presence.
It is the rigidity of our awareness that prevents us from flowing into it. Take water poured into existence, yet it takes the shape of an imaginary bowl. Held together by the tension of it's own convictions. It firmly believes in it's seperation and individuality.
Convinced of it's own shape, it does so against ironically impossible odds. It forgot it's place within No-Thingness yet that does not mean it's seperation. It merely means it does not recognize itself as the wholeness it perceives.

An apple tree
and a freshwater lake
can provide more than I ever can.

Unpleasant emptyness
bring me your insanity
and I'll gladly meet it
with total surrender.

When I’m under the shower.
I got that helicopter view!

Empty

I witness my focus jolting to a thought
splitting off into my subconcious,
towards different places in time and  memory
and it's coming back with pieces of a puzzle,
painting an invisible picture
that I can somehow grasp.

Conciousness is a multidimensional canvas.

Let's not forget that we are flesh and bones.
Stillness eternal, smiling, in a storm of chaos.
Unbothered like the icy stare of eternal death.
Reflected in the blooming iris of life.
The pupil dilates and contracts
and the moments in between breaths.
We remember who we are.

drift within the pureness of self
where emptiness and space
make love

Beating strong.

I
feel
without
myself.

I am running
Endlessly
Out of patience.

Pain brings forth a storm,
fear forms clouds in sheltered hearts,
smiles bloom from silence.

So I sit and read.
Pages are made from cold leafs.
Absent is my touch.

Bitter winter bites
with an ear deafening bark.
I squeel and shiver.

The candle flickers,
a fleeting friend in dire times.
Don't rely on it.

I will not waver
when silence comes crashing down
I embrace my smile.

These are the sounds of the Harp,
Life strings from a mind dark,
to a light laugh, it defines sharp.

So surviving in these times are hard
for a kind heart.
I live life like the tides are
so I turn of the lights fast,
need to be blind, lost
stray with my mind far..

To shut out the pain of day and celebrate the nights march
then you'll see that my smiles are..
Nothing but a fine mask
master this craft that is life, it defines art.

So I ask myself where the signs are..

There are demons in my minds past
so what you find in my eyes; loss
lost like the tides are

There are times where i couldn't see love
in a light year, trying to find balance
yet you can't escape the strife there

So I stood in this light
yet all I did was find fear
but self love is right here

in facing the light of day
the rays of light
within the fear of living in your righteous way
It's tough finding Angels in what I have to face today

A hard rhythm from the strings of a smiling harp
giving me a tiny break but do i want to fight today?
So I escape from these rays
Now life making punches on my second name
Didn't know it was a ******* feint,
Shoulda fought instead of trying to catch a break
I'm tired man so let me have some rest today
or are you trying to catch a case?
you looking like a kid
making haste the way you reaching for a hit on that second base

So even if I'm walking through a cliff or a mountain range
I won't stray through mist or the morning haze
So what you give is a night dark
but will find light in a smile lost
life's strings play straight from the harp
I survive with a kind heart

In a constant state of slumber and waking.
Being the same being,
being everchanging.
Losing myself and searching,
stumbling upon and finding.
Drifting in the shadows,
face changing with different lighting.
I can't explain. I'm silent.
Strings attached to violins.
Sincerity masking violence
from inner strings that chime in.

Everything feels connected
but the space between my face and mask
is a layer of self rejection.
You can see I'm sometimes vacant,
that's when my emptyness is present.
Thoughts that stir a fog,
adding another layer in a second.
You can see I'm trying to wake up,
yet love has trouble reconnecting.
That's when some of you say may name
and bring me back and that's my blessing.

I peel layers off of me
bit by bit, flake by flake,
thought by thought.
Deeper.
Until blood drips.
Wounds fester.
Tears flow.
Salt burns.
I peel.
I dig. I struggle. I lose.
I dive.
Deeper.
I doubt. I fear. I crave. I long.
I need.
Deeper.
I reject. I loathe. I hate. I forgot.
I despise.
Deeper.
I run. I Lie. I manipulate. I escape.
I cry.
Deeper.
I obsess. I regret. I confess.
I detest.
Existing.

Deeper.
It's empty. There's space.
Room to breathe. I'm there
A presence.
I understand. I fill the space
I have with me and stretch.
There's room to grow. I plant a happy tree. A seed. A present.
I dug so deep, in the soil of me to plant a seed that lasts forever.

little pockets of dread.
Grey and cold.

I'm a withering leaf,
in the painful process of letting go.

My skin tears.
Flakes of despair falling in winter.

My heart cracks,
bark besides the road.

Came from far turned into a long way home.

Footprints through the mud,
woven shoelaces from dried grass.

An abandoned heart.
Soul shelters in an empty chamber.

Tears in a storm.
Grief hiding amongst drops.

In the presence of lastig absence,
thoughts staring at an empty canvas.

Little pockets.

An immortal flame
Absent, yet enkindled
It resides in me and you
An awareness we gave
eachother when our eyes met
When our smiles opened
the windows in our eyes
and we could see the same candle burning
How could we forget?
We never have
It's just the drama of going through birth
The fleetingness of life
and the wisdom of us as a child
that was washed away to time
Because let's be honost
we both were a long way from home
But our candle still burns my dear
And our home is still ours
let's spend some time together
I've missed you and I wonder how your day went.

The cold rain
is a pleasant companion
compared to the ever absence of drought.
The settling dust just dwindles around
it provides no coat of comfort
like the countless raindrops that are crashing upon me.
I miss an arm around my shoulder.

Sincerely yours,

Vulnerability

Hip hop little frog
bathing on a lily leaf
splash fogs clarity

A cow in the kitchen
"what's it doing there?"
"shhh" Nature.

Crush your wishes
into an unwavering foundation.
Trample upon your dreams
for they should be turned into pavement.
Carve your goal into your soul.
Shed all your tears
because your back is turned to home.
Walk away from your loved ones.
Walk away from comfort all so you can grow.
So struggle and writhe in agony.
Find pleasure in the pain
of denying to dream,
because what matters,
should be turned into reality.
Have your hands bleed,
molding every thought,
into a stone cold brick.

Manifestation is the work of God.

Laugh because you challenge
and challenge is never easy.
Laugh because you'll lose
but let it not wither your determination.
Scream because you suffer
as you defy the road of billions.
Scream because you're in agony
growing pains for the child in you
As living your dreams is what adults
see and write off as fantasy,
but it's what you and I both know
we all should do.