It's been a while since I vented about my life. So here it goes. I have been severely depressed for years, and go through daily anxiety attacks that leave me sobbing and alone in my apartment. I can't think of anything that could make me happy right now and that is very scary. I ty to reach out to people but its so freaking hard to get the amount of support I need and it's exhausting. I try so hard to make myself better and I don't feel like I have any control over myself because of my emotions and how they are so severe and make me panic and cry my eyes out hoping it will somehow stop in my brain. Ive been close to those disturbing thoughts. It started with me realizing my bank account is close to 0, and I somehow thought having take out was okay almost every other day. I miss being able to talk to people in person but even then I had so much anxiety, too much that I couldn't even bare it. I was utterly destroyed that I couldn't enjoy all my time with my best friend. My life has gone so down hill since Ive been associating with people that hurt me, and I end up alone and finding myself in agonizing chronic pain and nothing could stop it. I miss my animal, I am so ******* sad he passed. I miss being able to hold him, and it comforted me. That also makes me feel awful because that sounds so selfish, but at the same time my animal loved me too and I miss his healing energy. I feel absolutely insane writing this, and I wish I knew what has gotten into me. It begins to worry me. My memory issues. Everything worries me. My chronic pain. My dental issues. Everything is stuck in my mind and I cant just get it out of my head. I hate it and it doesn't allow me to appreciate my life, and that makes me feel ungrateful. I do have my own space, I am away from negativity and I am working on myself but I can't help but cry and feel destroyed over my illnesses ruling my life, ruling my brain, ruling everything I do.

Hi baby girl. I figured I would type you up a letter instead. I just wanted to imagine that you're here and I am reading this to me while I cuddle up to you. My life has been extremely hectic filled with emotions. I want to thank you for being there in whatever way you could. You are so talented and beautiful. I really think its hot that you have all the skills and artistic value. I want to see you play live one day. I think you grew a lot with me at least knowing triggers. Even if things go crashing down I still want to hold your hand and be next to you. Its very difficult to have this seperation and it makes me sad most of the time. I tell my self it's going to happen. You so gorgeous babe, I'm proud to have you.

I see rivers
Washing away the left over dust
Ashes within the air
The world is on fire

I see dandelions
Blowing up into the air
Endless wishing, wanting, yearning
Where will the remains end up?

I see eyes
That genuinely smile back at me
That clenches my heart and surrounds me with warmth
All at the same time
But where will this end up?

I see you
Holding me bare flesh and flesh
As you embrace me with your touch
But hold on...
Do you want to be with me?

I see myself
Holding my heart with my hand over my chest
Unable to realize what I have lost
Was it even there?

I see an endless dialogue
Filled with angst, resentment, despair
As you tell me...
"I've been thinking"
"No, I don't want to be with you"

I see gifts
Left in the graveyard of my small chaotic room
They were meant for something, someone, me
These gifts are memorials of the memory
Of you.

I feel you, beloved
You are still there within distances and the faint memory of your smell
I can't help to love you
But these memories are here to withstand
The jolting realization

"I don't want you. It ends here"

Second Person Narrative
© Cynthia Eli Theo

                                       Basement Studio

You always told me I would be a good girl; locks that shine golden red fall upon my pale dimpled cheeks. (Smile little girl, we are taking your picture). As soon as the set is over you plop down to the couch and say “Baby, why don’t you get me a cold beer” and you then start clicking away at the television trying to find the loudest, most obnoxious channel. Even though my legs are weak and my body is bruised you still make me a slave for you. You say, “Hey what’s taking you so long? I don’t pay you for nothing!” and laugh in a tone that makes me think of driving a sharp knife through your worthless body part, that you pride so much. Your eyes lock instantly to this one commercial of a guy feeding his panting dog, you chuckle lightly.
You told me I would love this experience, that it would be professional and beneficial for my career. Every night you roll into bed with a smirk of content and feel as though you are successful, you are powerful; you are the proudest photographer and most of all: you have a young girl at your side, every single day of your most pathetic life. Before you fall asleep you immediately think about the door. Is it locked from the inside? We don’t want your sweet little girl escaping to the harsh cold world. You think you are protecting me. You think that I deserve this.
This night is different from most nights. You sigh, and then begin to have a pain in your chest and your mind becomes full. Images of your life start flashing in your mind. You then start thinking in your head (something you don’t often do). You think of your mother, the one that kicked you out when you were only fifteen years old. You still have plans of going back there and giving her a piece of your mind (if you have one). You think of Tony, the slob who always has some random food on his shirt who owes you thousands for the stuff you have given him during the years. You think about tomorrow, the photos you want to take of me, and the poses you want to put me in. I’m your little doll, your little play thing, I’m the one who is going to make you big in the industry. Will this achievement, help your tragic pathetic life? We all have problems, but why put this out on me? Does my pain give you a rise? Does this make you feel accomplished? Of course my voice will never be heard, my mouth is only good to turn people one. I know that when I wear red lip stick (the signature of my character), you stop for a second and think of your baby sister, because when she was a little girl she use to wear your mothers shoes and put bright red lip stick on her lips and smudge it all over her teeth.
You miss her; you often worry about whether or not she’s okay. You remember the times you use to play with her in the back yard, ***** tires being swung, wet soggy grass between your toes, burnt red skin and warm kool-aid. Here you are being successful and she’s in the streets, probably selling her body for a profit. You then think, maybe you are wrong for keeping this innocent girl here, you suddenly become human with emotions. But then you go back to convincing yourself that it isn't that bad, I wanted it. I came to you anyway. You then softly fall asleep; your worries don’t bother you. Tomorrow your plans entail tying me up and allowing a little blood to show.

© Sid Eli Theo
Please meet me now
I forever want to see your pretty face
Because beauty is within my eyes and I see you
as this pretty thing

Tell me more, I want to hear your voice
as you say out loud you aren't even
ready
I ignore it and still look at you with gleaming eyes
I want a kiss

I put my arms around you
And ask what do you think I am thinking
As I hold on tight
And go in for the kiss

But you push away and say no.

No. Is my answer.
I am not a pretty little thing.
I am someone looking for something
to connect with this feeling
that life is ending soon
and we are all just souls
holding on to the edges of the melting ***
looking for sincerity.

Learn boundaries folks, no one wants a pushy creep.

© Cynthia Eli Theo
At age of 26, I finally found my fix
It was a chick, with a crazy haircut (you thought I was going to say d*ck)
and imitation chucks

The intimate moments
Hoodie up , fake fur, against the wall.
The moment I saw you, was our first kiss.
As requested:
"I always wanted to kiss someone as soon as I laid eyes on them"

Wish granted.
****.

I remember in the gay bar, when you first called me ***
You were so accommodating
Ending with the night of a three way dance off on the dance floor, me in the middle of the
sandwich.

Can you imagine what happened with us later on in life?
That twisted dreams became a reality and it
became hurt.

You swore you were a God(dess)
with no dresses
or heels
Only messed up hand me downs
And no eyebrows

I looked back on logs and you said the "I love yous" and "be mine" within the first moments.
Reflecting on my thoughts
How CRAZY.

You were my love
and I was yours
we were infinity infamous

Mental illness
Cheating
Drug Abuse
Insecurities got a hold of our throats
Slitting us apart
Self blaming; It's all my fault.
I created this disaster, right?
Baby, do you hear me?
Boy do I blame myself for this mess-up
Bat-**** crazy relationship chaotic lovely ****** energy
Lack thereof.

Lip locking, hair pulling, scratching
Enter warmth and lovingly caressing
Screaming out "I love you!" but "I'm hurting"


"Shut up" was your last words.
I decided it was enough.
as Do you still have my letter?
I wrote it to you, with personal wetness of tears shedding
as you peacefully slept on my bed.

And now you sit still in your room
Itching away, crawling up the walls
as I type this poem on my lonely laptop
I reach out to you, blowing you a kiss

Hoping it was a never a goodbye.

She sighs with relief but also despair. The reason why she doesn't like her strawberry blonde curls and requirement to dress feminine are reasons beyond comprehension for her. She always felt that something deep inside her wanted to be Ben. He's Irish, filled with charisma, independent success and sure knows how to wear a thin gold chain. He gets the looks as he walks down the city streets and everyone memorized by his swag. He sings about the pacific northwest with extreme pride, and describes Seattle hip-hop community, human rights issues and major league baseball. She wanted to get fitted flannels, various colored slacks, suave kicks and shave the side of her hair.

While she was going through an abusive relationship when her lover had fallen to a secondary abuse (to only replace the first one), she listened to his words, we are not alone and things are ****** up but there might be a way out. The memories of going down the block during who knows what time, to smoke her pipe and dodge people completely. Endlessly walking down the streets and pondering....blank. Anxiety slowly creeping as she knows her partner is coming home, a full panic sets in and she isn't prepared for whats to come. It's laundry day, which means X amount of time for her to get angry with me, argue and sit there with emotional chaos. It is hard for her to think of these things because she didn't want to believe this was her reality, and she didn't know how to get out. She had bruises on her body that she can't keep track if it was to get away or not, she never set blame on anyone causing them.  Endless nights of constant panic and worry, with her partner slamming out the door and walking around aimlessly and never returning. And when she was alone...totally encapsulated, bed ridden and locking up the doors. Rent was day was always a threat, and so was the debt she had owed me. Oh, and that promise ring that never came that she was so selfish to want, but she wanted to feel special, she wanted to feel loved. She wanted to know why this kept happening to her.

Nothing could make this feeling go away, because the same thing has happened again and she cannot bare to compare. The hopes of rebuilding are there. It's just that mental illness is getting in the way.

She notices she passed out while smoking, turns on her PC and starts another shift.

She opened her eyes and realized the day is here. Some light glowing through her tiny basement window, we're lucky to just have some glow. That's the Pacific Northwest alright. Seasonal depression is a trend, you know? She knew she had an obligation today and she had to at least somewhat prepare for whats to come. She didn't want to get ready, she wanted to lay in bed with her kitten and imagine life without rules and regulations, bills and break ups, roommates that make too much noise and the dripping furnace in her room. She noticed she wore her red robe to bed and had total bed head (she always had a mirror right next to her bed, secretly to check up on any imperfections to avoid for the day). She got up, dragging her slippers on the floor and hardly dealing with the sun in her eyes. She went for her fridge hoping there was something to eat in it, gave up and sipped some orange juice (it's been days since she has...). She returned to her cave of a room and grabbed her raggedy make up bag. She hated this process, this wasn't her. It was uncomfortable to wear eyeliner, getting into her eyeballs, it's just not natural! Sliding pale pink lipstick across her lips and puckering up into the mirror with only a somewhat decent effort. Yes, she's crazy, I'm not sure Courtney Love status crazy, though. She put her hand on her neck and remembered last night. Full of regret even though nothing happened. She looked at her neck through the mirror trying to find evidence of her lover. Nothing was there, not even the feeling of soreness. But why? All the sudden she feels it come on. Get ready, it's time for a panic attack! It first starts with a tightness in the chest, heart pounding and you feel it in your head, trying to breathe and realizing this *****, and then the wake up call that something is wrong, closing in on the throat and the feeling that this will never end. She goes to her medication bottle and realize there's only 4 left. Knowing this tragic news, she questioned whether or not this is a big enough crisis. She felt like a fiend anytime she took them, or needed them because that's what her twisted psychiatrist put in her head.
She takes the pill, downing old water from the night before. She sits down on her bed and turns her computer on. Fidgeting and fill of worry. Sigh. I don't want this day to begin, if yesterday wasn't over. Let's avoid the mellow dramatic and move on to what I have to do. She then goes for her underwear drawer and picks out the pinkest, frilliest piece of underwear she could find and of course, all the rest of her body was bare. She never liked wearing them, let alone clothing. They were uncomfortable and it wasn't that desirable to wear it all for other peoples eyes. She wants to stay in her male boxer shorts that are a little too big for her. She then slid everything on so fast. Look at the time 2:09 PM, just a few more minutes until it starts. She logs in automatically and sits down, adjusts the lights and makes sure the camera is working. She prepares herself.

Later on she now is under the blankets trying to forget what she did today. The aching pain never going away and it is constantly in her mind on how she is alone, with no one cradling her or telling her its okay. She knows that she needs to make the money, in order to live, but if this is living, what is life? It's okay though, she made 1,800 gold coins today and that covers rent. Rent, credit card bills, always checking her balance freaking out that she doesn't even have bus fair to get food or go on interviews.

This is a sob story, about someone who is ultimately ridiculous and very very very determined.

I wanted to get to you, I swear
But my shoes have holes in them
I wanted to take you on a date
But I had to go to the office on Monday
I wanted to show you I love you
But I dont have spare change to
Take the bus to see you

I wanted to have passion for you
but I was too hungry to function
I wanted to touch you and make you feel wanted
but the umbrella I was looking for wasn't found and I couldn't leave the house without it and then my mother asked me to do a chore

I wanted to show you I'm growing, changing and evolving
but let me be depressed, destructive and avoidant of any sort of reality
I wanted you to get the real picture
but I ran out of minutes on my phone to talk to you

Let you think and feel on your own
I'm done trying to prove myself to you!
By the way I'm much happier now that I could write and be alone.

No one will ever treat you any differently
and I love you.

"I didn't mean for this to happen"
as she hides behind the lies, the betrayal
Sheds a sympathy tear, for each time she thought of touching
                           another person.

"I just can't do it anymore"
As she continues to do the deed
that indeed now has her at a loss
However, that loss, isn't something she feels like
            it was out of
                               her hands

I don't feel sorry for you.
I never meant to be involved.
I'm not like you,
I feel my lovers skin shriveling up as someone else touches me
and I could never shake the feeling of what happened.

As the world turns
The gleam of romance shouldn't be confused as a old flame
That flame was still always going,
I just didn't see it.
There's new hope
The seasons haven't changed, though
I believe love can show many sides of a person
And your sides are warm, gooey yet filled with chaos

As I look at you for the first time and kiss your lips
I feel you once again
My heart is racing
You are touching me in places I yearned to be touched
For Three Weeks

I put my hand on your chest and cave into your warmth
mmm
This love is right
How did our souls get lost?

As you touch my skin for the first time I finally feel again
You touch my face, my lips, my hips, my legs
All of my parts that you deemed yours
This feeling I couldn't escape and I could finally realize

                                 I'm home again.

I feel your sweat seep out of your skin
The smell of lust and pleasures
This is it, we are home.

Nights still keep me up
And so do the parasites that
Everyone says doesn't exist
But I itch and itch
Something I cannot escape

                                            *So I wash it away.

I start cleaning my belongings that I believe should be cleansed
And hope that all the ***** things
Wash away and become clean

So I write this poem
Clicking away at the keyboard
The sun is out, I didn't sleep yet.
          She repeats again: I didn't mean for this to happen

Oh, but you did.
                   Lovers don't betray....
                                   If they are in love
                                                 And gay.

I wanted to connect your beauty marks with my finger tips,
But my self worth is more significant than
what you are supplying
I with you felt that too

Words are just words
Even if there are a few
If actions never match up
I think its due

I'm moving forward
Always reflection on
Self improvement
Grow grow grow
Up so high
Late at night
Stumbling and wondering
What do you think.
Do you feel?
This is your cue.

I let it go, I let you go
Love is with meaning for me
Doesn't feel the same without
Someone there, present in the moment
Even if its you
Whispering directly in my ear "its okay, I'm here now, I'm never going to let
This go"

I crash on my bed
Under the dim lighting of my Christmas lights

I let you go
I want to go
Never looking back.

I'd rather die
Than to be with you

It all ends up this way
Destroyed mentally, and shocked as to where I was
For the past couple of months

Did I really let that happen to me?
Self defense isn't always physical
I wish I was, more strong
I wish I was, able to say no
I wish I was, someone everyone respects

Shaking, cold, confused, crying
I'm not sure what to say

There was always different shifts
Flip flopping
Never keeping your word
Instability was my worse enemy

I wish you well,
even though you don't.
I wish for harmony,
in the chaos of the mind.
I wish for pure love,
where there is no expectations in return.
I wish for strength
to get through this world.

Hatred and resentment are for people who cannot get over
the pain of the past
Blaming, pointing fingers, saying words
that really hurt deep within
Feeling relief afterwards
while the harm isn't reversible

All the things I wanted to avoid
All the things I wanted to avoid.

But I kept going, hoping, knowing that one day
this will come to an end
and each time, I will hurt more
my paranoia may be a self fulfilled proficiency
but I hate being right.
I hate being right.

Darkness within your eyes
Laughing out loud
I'm here for you,
but I will hurt you.
I love you
but I will leave
I don't have it in me
to the person,
that is right for you.

Contraction
fess up, you aren't treating me right
fess up, you jumped into this without a thought as to how to handle
fess up, you could have returned a changed person
fess up, you aren't mentally sound
to accept the love
to accept the issues of everyday life
to accept me, as a person.

This endless feeling of despair in my heart
The tightness in my chest and in my throat,
            Gulp
I want to breathe
The constant yearning of wanting to feel your warmth, soft skin, hands grazing, cuddling me from behind.
             Exhale
One moment I think I'm doing okay-- this happened for a reason
Another moment I'm feeling destroyed
              Choking
I just want to breathe
You're plucking at my heart strings and you
aren't even here
              Where are you?
Realization of constant turmoil
Not feeling loved, wanted and enjoyed
But
                Rejoice
It's a breath of fresh air, a slight breeze in my hair and elevating my arms to the sky, Feeling freer than ever.
                 Hallelujah

But when it gets dark and cold and lonesome
You are on my mind. You take up all the space in there.
It's happening again, palm sweating, cannot get up for air, chaos within my head.
                    Heart broken.

I just want you to say hi.

Dont touch she says
As you sit in the barn that is filled with hay
So you line her curves with your fingers tips, never lingering
As you exhale to realize the beauty
Of warmth of a body and the power of our smells
Sigh
You keep going in your mind, you're in too deep, don't love hard
We are hardly loving creatures and "I prefer not to", she says, "I like it that way"

She turns her head and looks down, then looks up at me straight and says "you could break me if you wish"
She then lowers her eyes with hesitancy

Verionica my dear, you arent just anyone, you are the person I vowed to stay with, hand on hand, lips to lips

Your ocean is now black, losing water, the fish are becoming accustomed to your body
The smell of discontentment.
You may enjoy the sunshine, however
You wait for the sky to get gray, along with the fish
The rain comes down only sometimes

Hell, lets just dance.

Reach to me anyway you can
Just say a word, just blink, or maybe hold my hand
If I close my eyes and breathe in, will I feel you next to me?
I want to feel you next to me.

Desperation during a break up. Because I was...
Always wanting, never accepting the love that was put in front of me
Complaining, sneering, grumpy
Analyzing faults, picking apart the insecurities of people while
Holding them close and loving them and being the best **** lover
Paranoia, nothing is ever satisfactory
The best **** lover.
I'm ******.

Tobi, wake up.
Leo, wake up.
Elliot, wake up.
Who the **** are you?
Confusion on who you are, where you are, what you are.
There is no gender identity disorder, but a disorder that makes me feel like
I was born into the wrong era, environment and world.

WAKE UP

I'm sorry's never travel long enough.
Perhaps hand written and sent with a stamp, would travel.
Neatly written, script font, seal the letter with a kiss and spray with your favorite perfume
The heavy sigh of "I didn't mean to hurt you", no spray can mask the guilt
Gulp
Own up to it.
You did it.
Now what?

Are you far away? I know you're close.
I've been drowning in a short empty sea of self loathing and self-deprecating *******
I could have made it up.
I could have made it up, to the top.

Waking up from a sleepless night, and not wanting to open my eyes.
Feeling a deep pain and regret within my chest as I take the first breaths of the day
No sunshine, no fresh air, only static within the sheets
Freezing cold
Always wondering, always wanting, never satisfied.

Where am I? Where are friends? What is a family? What is love again? Do I have a girlfriend?

It gets tiring after a while, to be this depressed
I don't want to die, I don't want to cut myself, I don't want a silly suicide note
Just listen to The Beatles "Help! I need somebody!"
Get up soldier, get in order. Chin up. Stop being a *******.

Relax, hold your head up. Keep going.
****
The first start is to say goodbye
and an eventual hello will come to you.

Browsing best of craigslist while my brother blasts his music, but it's okay because it's better than the Christian rock I have to listen to from another roommates room.
The house is chaos and I live in this world, it ***** me in and spits me back. It affects my personal relationship with the outside world, people come on it and get trapped in the time warp. There is no other reality, and outside of this house no one knows, what goes on inside.

My basement room is dark, cave like, and I squint my eyes as I write this because the Christmas lights that were given to gleam over my head and make the space around me pink. I look in the corner of my eye, and there is my pathetic lamp that doesn't really even light the corner. All of this I accept, I even become accustomed to the lack of light.

You ever google “roommates that are douches” or “nightmare roommates”?...that sounds about right, right? Everything listed is very apparent in this house. We all are just living together, separated and oddly together. Getting high, getting low and getting all hyped up and eventually in each others faces, struggling to not let go and make it crazy, because we all came from crazy and we're currently battling the current monsters that live inside our head.

Some of us have diagnosis, while others obsessively google their symptoms, thinking up illnesses, while others have true deadly illnesses and trying to wash away the days without poisoning ourselves. Poison feels good when it comes down, it's as if you are doing something bad to your body but it feels so good, and eventually you fall into a mood, whether it be anxiety or true following bliss you know that this is within your body and it is something you have come to accept.

Wake up, you have no friends
As you see everyone else follow the norm
You begin to feel okay that you are here on the inside
Where you feel content being alone
In an empty house
Hearing noises, through out the layers and floors
As the almost gleaming sunshine goes away, and now its grey and you feel a fog
it's not worth going outside

Wake up, its all your fault
But you are beautiful because you dont lie
       while you
Fall asleep in lovers arms, so warm
and burning of fear
Wake up, pay attention, stay on key
There isnt anyone out there
to keep you safe
Watch out!
Be cautious but know that she loves you
Wake up! Watch the **** out.


Fall asleep with lovers smiles all caressing you in your body and lips and tongues and finger nails dig deep.

Dig DEEP

We all want to be satisfied
We either want love, or a crazy fix
We may become addicts, of chasing passion
We just want dying relief

Bribing, skeeving, scheming
The intense eye stares
the smiles
We are all disturbed
"You ruin it for the rest of us"

Players that are part of a team, that don't want to play the game

Relative stereotypes
Lesbians
The endless hunger
for something satisfying to the tip of your tongue
and back of your mouth

Drug use, drug use
One night stands
Can you humble me?
Follow me into the room
repeat

Waiting Waiting
Hoping Wishing Wanting
Stepping up towards me in the road
opened door
hug hello, a familiar desire to hold her
closely
Blink of an eye
cooking cleaning love making eating dreaming conversing
Blink of an eye
You're no longer there.

Cuddle up with Jokes in the night
Cradling him in my lap
Intense heart thumping
breathing in and out
he is pouring

Wishing Waiting Away
Yearning Grasping Needing
Helping Solving word by word
Holding hands, second chance
Bonding loving hugging warmth
extra annoyance coming and going
keeping attention so much pressure
bounded by love, attached at the
lungs

Lay down next to me and
Let me collapse on your chest
Breathe in deeply smelling your scent, sigh out the overwhelming joy
Giving I love you eyes

She reaches out to touch me,
and I don't feel it.

The gesture, the movement
Was there
But is she?

Clouds filled with density floating around
It's the particles
Better than dry air

I look into her eyes
I am sad, I feel alone
I say nothing,
Please don't let me sulk
Draw the line

Distance apart
Hearts separated
"I'm not sure anymore"
I let out a deep sigh,
is your heart still in it?

Laughs of despair and mania
A contrast of the two,
one cannot live without the other

And so the times go on
We keep feeling, in our beds, under our sheets
Pondering
The thoughts we only think up when we are alive
and sleep

Is she in it?/Or is it just me?
Can she still be there?/Or will she set it free?
It,
my heart, my blades, all my weapons
I lay it all on the table
Awareness of always on the defense
I cross my heart

There are reasons, I have you know
That all of this isn't about gaining trust
It's about gaining pain

I turn around on the bed,
not visualizing her leaving me
She buttons up her jacket
"I can't do this anymore"

I let out a deep sigh
Sharp pains in my chest
My throat getting tight
Feels like a blow to the face
Of icy wind that is getting into my eye and salt sizzling inside

It hurts.

But I love you.

I let out a deep sigh
A wish
"Is this love?"
Throw a penny
into the home-made drum
It bounces not once but twice.
That's a double yes.

Hopefully my hopelessness doesn't get in the way
Wishing, well
Wallowing me not

In highschool I thought I liked girls
I thought it wasn't right, to even look
that if I tried it would be different, abnormal
I didn't know it was okay
To want to kiss another girl
To touch another girl
That it would be a violation
I wouldn't be liked back

I thought I had to be a certain way
dress a certain way
act a certain way
I didn't wear make up, but also didn't wear masculine clothing
I was just me

I got stares from butch lesbians that were in gangs
I was frightened and alone
"What are you staring at?" if I looked back
Looks based off of intimidation

this wasn't me, this wasn't it

I tried to date men, same ole same ole
video games, boredom,
not having drive
it wasn't interesting, it wasn't making my heart race
going through one motion to another
I tried.

I was told that I was just making it up
That I was pretending
That I was doing it for attention
Fantasizing about female celebrities
if only

I then came out to myself
dated a girl
who wasn't a girl
he was genderqueer
he was trans
and it all began
I was attracted to beyond the gender binary

2 dollar margarita nights
at the gay bar in New York
queers stumbling, fumbling, sweating, dancing
going outside to just
light a cigarette for some pretty girl
connect with eyes
just to talk
just to have a connection

Turns to quick ****** experiences
With a blink of an eye
She kisses me, she wants me
She want's go further
That wasn't me
I don't know you
you don't know my heart

Then I met you

Wrong pronouns at the grocery store
No correction, you know who you are
Questions on identification, even at the gay bar
It's okay, you understand


Under the Christmas lights of my room
in my bed
with your smell left in my sheets
I'm so happy, I'm filled with joy
Tears rushing down my face
I can't believe I'm in love

Your body, is a story for me
The story tells me
We've all been through something
And it hurts and it stings
But with struggle comes strength
-as cliche as it is-

Connecting your beauty marks with my finger tips
my lips on your soft but thick skin
deep smells, deep spells
Intertwined with love and compassion
*** and lust
smelling scents that are addicting
your noises, my reactions
so addicting

So dreamy
Is it true?
Who cares-

Scared and frightened
But its a breath of fresh air
Because I've been craving and wanting
someone who responds

You're there
You're human
We're intertwined
With a ring around my neck

Cross your fingers, hope to love
Slit your thoat, with hope

Whatever disease you have, you catched me
And its truth
I feel for you

"Hm", the girl says in your bed.
Red wine and yummy chocolate - what a great mix
Moving and grooving to the beat of the music
Oh, la la.
A pleasant smell in the air, flowing, in and out into me
Colors of your blankets, subtle navy blue, velvet red (you might disagree)

Reeses, what a treat! Something devils would eat
Talking food, one of my pleasures, Ethopian - I want to eat!
Let me speak for Ravenswood, it treats me well and keeps
me toasty!
And Juanita's, Fiesta bag, crispy not too greasy
Crunchy in my mouth, mmm!
An offering of a chip with special sauce, thank you sir!'
Sauce man, confidence

He says he had heart problems
The consequences of the pleasures of food
"I need to end it but I don't know how to"
"It'll come to you"

Your roommate,
Sid

Grasping my breath, over time
time, is so slow and I just want to
see you
I just want to
touch you
I just want to
breathe you

Looking into the screen, that are mirror images of us
Is she there? Is she looking for me? Is she real?
I could feel her thoughts, filled with passion and full of excitement
heart pounding, wanting and yearning to dig my nails
into her unbruised skin
wanting and knowing she would be at my feet in heart beat

whatever is damaged, I will heal
because we're all damaged in some way

It was told to me that maybe we're all alone for a reason
That there's something wrong
blood related family, it was us three
single hearts with drifting minds

Now I could say, that lonely person
Isn't me
and I just found
the key