There were times where thoughts didn’t exist

people didn’t confuse me

and everything was alright in the world.

There were times when I didn’t worry

and stress didn’t control my digestive system

and I didn’t need to medicate.

There were times I did not trust to be alone by myself,

for fear of my own destruction caused by myself

I didn’t understand the strength of the situation.

There were people I trusted who now are no longer

they don’t carry the same heartfelt endearment that was gifted

they don’t have a care in the world.

There were times where I neer thought about looking

scrolling through messages to find a false

a death occured.

There were times when I was somewhat whole,

somewhat capable,

somewhat caring of my own rights and my own dreams.

There were times where I put the right things first,

There were times where I said the things that were meant to be said

There were times where I saw myself in a succesful way of life

There were times where I did not want to just run away

There were times where I knew myself better

There were times where I was allowed to feel

There were times where I saw the people around me care

There were times where people actually meant something to me

There were times where I knew things had worth

There were times where I believed

There were times where I sought love

There were times where I sought truth

There were times where I sought life

There were times where I felt I wasn’t a caged animal

And now I’m in hell, prison, being objectified and slaughtered by those who are of lesser caricatures than life

There were times where I knew the face of the devil

There were times where I would banish this evil

But for some reason I think I’m stuck

I think I’m here for the realness promised

There were secrets kept,

Lies told,

And trust lost!

...Mary wove clothes,
Created locations for her grandkids to wreak mischief,
She was poor in hindsight,
But the richest woman in the world,
...Mary didn't know,
She sprouted vines and trees over the years,
Her grandkids grew up alone in terror,
Mary saw the things that others shouldn't have to,
She saw her life flash right before her eyes,
The kids were silent outside in the back,
She mistakes nothing,
...Mary, you should have known,
By the end of the fall season,
Mary wove clothes,
Cotton clothes for her grandkids,
They couldn't handle the beautiful Earth snow,
...Mary didn't know.

"She has stars in her pocket and the moon on a string,"
She has highways meeting for her,
And love shes bound to gain,
History falls under her pen,
Wars started from her left and right brain,
She has the whole world in her might,
But oh so powerful,
I wonder if she's willing to fight,
If a man came to her with the sun at his will,
Can she strive uphill,
So controlling of the oceans,
Tidal waves just because she yawns,
She cries of loneliness,
And Hurricanes sent from Africa To China,
Defenseless against hope,
But smart as hell with reality,
Paparazzi at her feet,
But she's really just a mystery.

I’m not even happy,

I’m not even sure why I’m with him,

I can say because he loves me,

But it’s not true,

I can say it’s because he didn’t mean to do what he did,

But I’d be lying.

I invested myself and lost an investment and still trying to hang on,

**** Wall Street,

You ****!

I’m here, at night, I’m here.

I’m gone by morning, but at night I’m here,

Me flies away, me don’t want to think,

me wants to hurt him like he hurt me without giving him power in the end,

I can still do it.

Marriage has come up,

I even propose,

I’m dragging in family to do the unfathomable,

If he loves me he would leave this place and come with me,

If he loves me he would see that I am actually an incredible soul,

If he knew that I would give all to be happy, he would know that he

doesn’t need the negative.

He would know that I don’t like to hurt,

That I’m human inside and I cry,

I ******* cry.

Something dark crawls within me,

I loosen my hold on to sanity and relent,

Something cloaked in ravagery is of age,

….I’m so ******* tired.

He cheated. Took a chance with my life. Yelled and blamed me.

In the morning, I was so ******* strong that I’m deluded and I think I actually love this extremely imperfect man. This horrible, despicable, *******! I loved you hard, I held on when no one was in your corner, you screamed help and I ran! I’m deeply in love with someone I’ve never gotten to physically meet and I don’t think I’ll ever love this man the same way. Ever! Why am I still here and not traveling towards this person who means so much more to me. What is it 5-6 months compared to 6-7 years. Wow.I’m blind! Hurt, dumb, and stupid.

How does one stand by and watch the other make unlawful acts
why do I sit and believe that I am deserving of stupidity
I can't raise my future
the love is being squashed before the bloom
is there a care to give or do I just watch again
I want to yell **** yous and I don't cares but that's going to aid no one

I've written lies before
worn them on my face without a care to give
disappeared from public's eye as I still am
through others' eyes I do not wish to be seen
I have conjured up a testament of tests I'm going through
the future will indeed enlighten what's going to become of me
but now I'm at this stage of curious intentions
at a stage of mislead decisions
moving too fast mistakes
I'm healing myself by breaking my arm to take the pain
away from my heart

I’m flooring my feet to control my balance,

my head is wrapped up in paper mache,

hiding my fears with tears,

say something to me I wanna know,

if there’s something,

you have to show me,

I’m doing just fine,

I’m still standing,

I’m feeling okay,

Not sure of my way,

or my direction,

but I,

I will be fine,

I’ll conquer me,

and all of my faults,

so just hear me out,

rescue me if I ask,

tell me secrets,

and help hide my past,

say something to me I’m trying to hold on,

I can’t help but place everything as being wrong,

my life is shattered into a million pieces,

Lord, God, help me I’m praying to you,

Say something don’t give up on me,

Give me reason,

to help me believe,

my faith is shaking,

my legs are rough,

say something,

so I’ll be fine.

Not even the moon could see me,

twisting and shifting drowning in changes,

so fast the wind just gave up,

I was in mourning,

lost at the rage buried deep inside,

ready to burst out,

give me a ******* punching bag.

I’m sitting staring at faces so unfamiliar they don’t know me,

no stares no afflictions or brief awkwardness I am alone,

surrounded by souls that don’t know I exist,

please someone say hello,

someone needs to read my palms and tell me my lifeline in so that I know I’m needed,

I know what my worth could be but I need purpose to believe in because I’m struggling inside,

I feel like crying constantly in corners facing away from a society of glances from strangers,

I walk in circles and circles and circles trying to find direction for my future,

I’m being mislead by life’s curriculum and I feel like I’m above average in general miseducation,

I’m screaming silently help me!

I don’t want to deal anymore but I want to hold on if not for my sake then for those that need me more because I have to believe that in order to be,

How could you all not notice me, I’m yelling internally, I’m jumping and prancing in the bathroom away from everything not even staring me in the mirror,

I’m closing the doors before I open them so that I can never hurt again,

I’m avoiding chances and taking backward leaps to make sure that I can’t be touched, burned, or disturbed,

I’m going to find me first because I don’t know who the **** I am anymore,

I’m not even sure I ever knew which makes this challenge even harder,

I don’t even see it as a challenge because if I did the semantics would take over me,

I equate struggle and failure with success and greatness because I fail at all,

I’m reading my mind closer than ever before making sure I spell out my intentions to myself before I take one step out the door,

I feel as if I have OCD making sure that everything feels 100% right and if it isn’t I will not move,

I will not progress and maybe even digress to fix my missteps from prior years,

I don’t know where to go from here,

but I guess I’ll start with whistling and whispering in someone’s ear.

I have a lot of pain left inside me and if I don’t come out with it it’s going to be the end of me,

I’ve left crying the last resort and giving up is what I come to at the shortest end,

I’m not sure of what the **** they want me to say,

Ask me simple minded questions and I’ll give you an okay,

I’m too busy worrying about what they’ll think of me,

How the words just fall off of my tongue so vividly,

I’m losing my mind so lividly,

Crashing to the depths of my mind on my own two feet,

No one can blame the innocent me,

That’s trapped up in closets surrounded by fallacies,

I can’t help the fact I know no wrong,

I know that everything is not so wrong,

Like me,

I’m here for everyone except me,

Put me first,

Love me, love me first,

I’m dying here with a love thirst, Love me,

Leave me,

I’m dying of thirst

I see it happening in all of the jumps and laughter of the little one,

He has been wronged by so many people and he can’t spell yet,

I can already see the anger and tears in his eyes beneath the smiles and warmth that lies alongside his innocence,

He’s finding outlets that society will judge and he’s already ignoring them when no one’s looking in pursuit to be himself to find heroes in this world who understand and won’t yell and judge,

He feels safe and home and in peace with the surroundings that bore him it is new,

So infatuated with subtleties that he unbeknownst to himself find solitude in joy,

The kid is outrageously confused, figuring things out that I hadn’t till the latter years and it is confusing,

It’s as if you know the future of the child already despite the choices and personality of the frail soul,

You know him in and out and the kid just wants to be a kid, have fun, and surrender to happiness and safety and home,

Well home is mobile, always on the move, home is fatherless with mother selling dope, home is little torturous yells that don’t ring with I Love Yous anymore, home is torn into pieces of I don’t cares, grow ups, and be a man,

Well if you should ever find yourself so unprotected, so delirious in thought that it pains in your gut and you can’t scream out with so much intensity as to bust a balloon with red, then say ok and move on. Say okay and move on,

Repeat the torture only in your head because you don’t have the right to live in abuse, you don’t have the right to be afraid, you don’t have the right to be misunderstood, you don’t have the right to cry yourself to sleep, but it’s okay not to be okay.