I was carried away from the garden,
in the arms of a man
who stole my soul.
He first got me addicted to him,
then the ice.
He now owns
my mind
my body
my soul,
and there is no way to escape him.
I don’t yet want to escape him.

I’m used to pulling all-nighters.
I’m used to very little sleep.
It’s the story of every insomniac.
But when I take a hit or do a line,
I’ll be awake for days at a time,
staying high enough to chase awake sleep.
I am on my fourth day of a binge,
and sleep continues to evade.
I don’t know if it would be worse
if i simply wait out the comedown,
or if i continue my breakdown.

I want to say that i’m in recovery.
I want to say that I’m getting better.
I want to say that i’m over it,
over you.
But it’s just relapse after relapse.
Hit after hit.
Line after line.
Night after night.  
I’m stuck in a cycle of abuse.
But you’re not the one hurting me.
You’re not the one destroying me.
It’s the drugs
and the late nights.
And myself

I keep telling myself
“Just one more hit”
“One more line”
“One more night”
But every time I see you or the ice,
my addiction is back once more
and i’m left looking
searching
begging
for a high like the one i got from both of you.

The worst drug I’ve ever encountered,
is the one that makes everything disappear.  
It makes all your ails go away.
It makes everything seem okay.
I could survive the withdrawals of ****,
but I don’t think I can cope with the loss of you.

I jump from obsession to obsession,
each more addicting than the last.
At first, it was an eating disorder.
Then it was cutting.
Then it was him,
the one I thought would stay.
Then it was ****,
who destroyed me more than the others.
He was the one who showed me ****,
and now he’s quitting.
But I am in love with her.
I’m infatuated.
I’m addicted.

Appetite suppressants can be dangerous
when you have a history of EDs.
It’s so easy to lose yourself
when you are high as a kite.
It is so easy to drop 5,10,15,30 pounds
when even thinking about food
makes you incredibly nauseas.
It’s so easy to relapse into old behaviors
when you are fulfilling the dreams
of you from long ago.