Where did we go wrong?
When did things start splitting at the seems?
Who was it that let you down?
When did you lose your faith?
Where did you lose your faith?
Can I help you find it?
You are waist deep in water
Does that mean what I think it does?
I don't understand why you want to leave
And I don't blame you for wanting to leave.
I am annoyed that I express myself better in writing than speech.
I suppose it's because no one can see your tears behind a screen.
Even more so, perhaps it's because no one can hear my inner thoughts.
Maybe I like the freedom of how my worry turns into hope turns into fear.
In my inner head, I call you a coward. Looking down on your weakness.
I can't let go of this anger borderline hatred. I refuse the notion to forgive.
Instead, I hang on to this and it is not to punish you.
I cannot let go, so I will not forget that it is not safe to trust.
Not okay to fall in love.
You are nothing more than another verse sent by the universe to be added to my book of tragedies.
There's an Arab proverb
my mom always recites
or is it a verse from the Quran?
fix your eyes' gaze into God's eyes
meant to inspire
to reaffirm your faith, when it all goes to ****
for sake of arguing, I silently nod
thinking how tired my neck is
from staring up at that sky
she constantly prays for us
arms outstretched, palms facing the heavens
her faith unwavering
even when her prayers are left unanswered
i used to believe that salvation was around the corner
as a younger me sharing my prayers
certain that the world grew quiet
as if hushed by Him just to hear my words
it felt real, i felt heard, i felt relief
they say God only troubles those he loves
if it is to test my faith, then I have failed
there's a defiance that lives in my heart
fueled by anger of abandonment, of regret
pained by His disregard
i don't try to fix what has been broken
i accept the consequences
i am a sinner and i am ready to receive
the soft spoken,
Where do we go
My love for you is like casting a stone into water that inevitably sinks to the bottom as soon as it breaks the surface.
It pierced through without hesitation
that blade into my heart
the tip severing as you withdrew
burying itself in deeper with every sob
cuts of irreparable desolation
i would wonder how i would heal
if i could ever heal
the ache reverberating a melancholy
like the deep bass of a cello achouced from its strings
my grief bellowing a deafening sound
i was ready to abandon hope of a revival
instead my palms pushed hard against the ground
and my heart mended around your unrequited love
If my heart's soaking wet
Boy your boots can leave a mess
The internal dialogue of disbelief over your betrayal
sees me through everything I do
shadowing my every movement
clouding my every thought
and I can't seem to be busy enough
to get questions of how we ended up here out of my mind
and it's not the days I am most disturbed by
under a darkened sky when misguided truths have no where to hide
your lies echo in the long shadows spilling out of dark corners
sleep won't come. sleep never comes. no, not tonight
what's in the promise that tomorrow will bring
because there's nothing left in this ******* house to organize or clean
nothing in the pantry left to cook or bake
and I've already had too many pieces of the **** chocolate cake
fine. OK. I can see that there's no easy way out
so let the days come, the nights too. lets let time pass and push us away
reach for my hand
i will not fail you this time
protect you and chase away your fears
make the shadows of the bad men disappear
follow my voice and come to my embrace
I will paint you a different childhood
carry us to a different place
full of giggles and innocence
i need to save you to save myself
my adult-self wanting to save my child-self
little dabs of color that don't disappear
when I close my eyes
when the sky is gray
when my hour is bleak
little dabs of color
that never fade
that stay bright when I cannot
that shine for me when I am in the dark
little dabs of color
when I cannot find the strait
when I cannot see past the lies
when I have lost my gait
little dabs of color
when I am broken
when I can no longer find my way
when I have lost the faith to stay
In these little dabs of color
where I can find myself whole again
tonight, i drank
but not to quench a thirst
was it to forget or to remember
everything was as it was supposed to be
late afternoon sun lazily laid
soft and golden
and long shadows
was it after those steps up the stairs
when i walked into a darkened room
to the bed that i didn't make, but we had shared
and the smell of you that hung
h e a v y
like you had never left but almost like you were never there
is that what betrayed me
the nostalgia mixed with the absence of you
leaving me in an empty room
w a n t i n g
it is a broken promise, or one that you never made
Drunk poetry. Literally.
In that moment I reached for the door
In that moment I saw you sitting at the bar
In that moment your eyes grew wide
In that moment that smile across your face
In that moment I knew my fate was sealed
In that moment I felt my heart skip a beat
In that moment…
just take a deep breath,
is all you tell me.
I know that I’ll need to take two,
I am in the finest state of chaos and frenzy,
your calmness and composure is not what I need,
but, this isn’t what I tell you.
My only words are lost in a forced exhale.
Somehow, your presence leaves me speechless,
this, I am sure you know.
I laugh nervously instead, and you ask “what is so funny?”
Well no, it’s not a "haha" funny, I think to myself.
I want to tell you how simultaneously weird and beautiful life is.
I want to say how I am in awe of the capacity of love,
and in the same respect how easy it is for us to hate.
How I am equally suspicious of circumstance and fate.
That when I stare deep into your eyes,
I am not sure what I am hoping to find.
That I often gaze over when you’re not looking,
because maybe you’ve dropped your guard this time.
How loving you is thrilling yet always leaving in the middle of nowhere.
That I struggle over how I can never leave.
How angry I am that I’ve left my heart on my sleeve to bleed.
I want to tell you all of this. I want to tell you how this is not a ******* "haha" funny.
IT passes. Unevenly into abyss. Even when seemingly impossible. Especially when least expected. Life’s ragged and sharp edges that would catch and tear at my fingertips, now feel like smooth curves and dips when I trace over them. The resonance of defeat fades fast to a low hum. I too, sink deeper to foster a new appetite. Unsure, I wander further still. What can I forgo for the distance I desperately need from this. Darkness whispers to me knowings of certain failure. Maybe. But maybe my desperation to escape this confinement is far much louder. I pursue a particular moment, and the urgency of this probe was not here before. That moment when all the decay has been released from my tight grip and I can exult in the serenity that has begun to take over me.
I cower silently just outside the door
Numb hands digging deeper in pockets
But this cold, it’s not the rain
I shiver from a chill coming from within
Life exudes misery
Sometimes in a minute, a second, an eternity
I came to know the extremes of loss in one of those moments
And I fear the bitterness of this breath
Echoing the regret of what no longer fills me
however, I am becoming more and more aware
of dislike, of hatred of prejudice
askew colors abundant in your prism
never to find my face in the rainbow
forced to uncover fashion and change in my religion
my ethnicity falls short in social patterns
pride lingers in shadows, tongues afraid of isolation
untrained observer shouts noises, sounds, silences
unsure of what faces to make, unable to recognize
conscious intentions have made me a monster
a beast unique of human characteristics
label me to give reason for your annihilation
in your mayhem I have found my own path of destruction
I would tell you that it was a ghost cage your wings fluttered against.
There is no ruse darling, no intent to capture you, my dear.
There again, when your restlessness disrupted our peace.
In an unintended moment, I assumed you were trying to leave me.
When harsh words ensued, amidst strategic insults, into your wounds
I dug my fingers in deeper as my own shield.
Refusing to relent, I pressed until your lips ushered
the words I thought I needed to hear.
But before you tell me to go, before I turn to leave.
Understand my fragility.
Know this resolve was not easy.
Believe that I loved deeply, shared secrets untold.
Brought you close to my heart , imprinted you unto my soul.
In prospect that fate might never lead you back to me.
In a world that denies most their happy ever after endings.
I knew I had to let you go. I had to set you free.
— The End —