these are the conditions i **** myself under

never wanted anyone to smell me from the inside
feel the rattle neath my skin
i never wanted my skull to be a keepsake

sometimes you get so mad you could break your own neck
you could key every car in the parking lot

don't cry
i've got two
two
one for me
and one for you

So here's what i do here's what i do
I swell like the ocean
And hurl my wet waves upon you
Like its your problem cause you did this
You angered the sea and now you've got me to deal with
And it swells so pretty
Pretty like a peal kept secret for so long but now there’s 1,000
Enraged and crashing to the shore
More rare than a bead more painful than a bullet
Cause i'm not killing you by draining your blood
No i'm not kidding you by eating your young
I'm suffocatingly brackish like the curry in the kitchen
Your mothers been fetching you for
Heres what i do heres what i do
I act like torrential downpour
Like fatalities occur but in the truest of true true reality
I am ***** beneath the surface tossing and maybe drowning
And you are the house your mother is fetching for you from
I am the blood spilt from my own wrist cause it felt good to feel
It felt good to drop the act of the ocean and the salty death i’d love cast upon you
I just didn't think i was capable of harboring hate like the port destroyed at shore

If i could see
The sun’d be shining
The boats bobbing happily along

• Hurt hurt hurt myself today •
The demons in me laughing while I too am trapped in here screaming
The only noise is inside, theirs is the only noise I'm hearing
•
•
It just stings a little
I don't make a peep
I wait for the rest of the world to go silent

Took enough to **** a couple cats but
My hands aren't strong or steady to finish the rest

I only bled a little this time
Only a little this time
I wasn't trying to die

There is always a new man sitting next to me
This one is humming
The last one carried a crane and tried to speak while I was eating
I was rude but what they don't know any single one of these guys sitting next to me, different every time,
Is that I have an hour to eat and drink drink drink
Till I forget about the job and the house and the friends I've hurt
One hour with nothing to do but refuel

I think a person needs more than one hour but
Time is like the water
Tightening when it's cold and
Retracting when it's warmed with the breath of lovers

My lenses become the shade of
Cranberry lemonade
Food sits uneaten in front of me

I know why we do what we do
Why we lie and hide, cover our tracks so nobody knows what we're up to

But we all find out in time
It all comes out, we all cry

And still I don't want to hurt you with my truth, but now I'll tell you,
because of what you put me through

I was 2 weeks away from giving birth to our child and you were sending **** pics to strangers on the internet
(You made me feel guilty for not folding the laundry)

I was 10 days post-partum, still bleeding barley walking, giving my body to our newborn baby
and you were
Sending **** pics to strangers on the internet
(While I hosted Christmas dinner for your family)

Your excuse is you were •lonely•
(We weren't enough for you)
I was so happy and she is so beautiful but
Still we're not good enough for you

The days of nursing Emmy were all I needed to be happy
-You-
felt left out
Blamed your deep rooted issues on me
Mentally abused for 5 years, took advantage of my depressive states
Made me think my flesh and blood was better off without me

But you know what I've learned from this horrendous discovery?
Not one bit of it was my fault
And all along, I thought it was.
My daydreams of death are long gone

Thank you, God, I'm free to live.