It's a **** good thing too
You were right.
Good thing I listened this time

Because I have put literally all of my focus on other people
Because every day I remind her she's strong and pretty
Because I go around reminding other people how great they are
I don't have any compassion left for myself, and even if I did
While I'm building everyone's clay model, perfecting that image
No one has been there to just ask how I'm doing,
But its fine, I truly do enjoy helping others,
It would just be nice if people put in as much effort as I do
To, not to sound selfish, but show they care

It was a new year, I made a promise
And I can proudly say I kept it

Things only get crazier
But at least they're clear

I'm getting tired of saying *****
Or using the phrase '**** my ****'
I'm tired of talking about grades
I'm through hearing about white shirts
Can we come up with anything else
To have a friendly, fun conversation?

Closer and closer He pulls me
Begs me to follow Him

I've locked myself in a room
So I can let tears leak to the floor
Let them fill the empty cracks
I've secluded myself, locked the door
How can they ask for anymore?

I am usually happy
Ready to spread smiles,
Make someone laugh,
Calm someone down
But sometimes I fake it
And pretend I'm okay
When really a combination
Of stress, father, and self hate
Mix to make me different.
To look in a mirror and wince
Dread going home
And sweat over grades
And when I get that upset..
I do things I regret

It would be nice if someone laid next to me and wrapped their hand around my waist.

Maybe if people stopped calling me ugly,
I'd have a little higher self confidence
People ask 'how can you not think your pretty'
Maybe it's because occasionally people comment
On my hair, or make a joke about my body
A joke not intended to hurt, and I laugh anyways
But deep down part of me is destroyed

"She's got the perfect body"
"She's got the perfect smile"
"She's so perfectly tan"
So every once and a while
I compare myself to her
And it only makes things worse

What is this
I thought
I figured it out

And when you sit in the circle with your friends
The same questions continue never to be asked,
And never to be answered

Look I only met the girl
But she inspired me so
How confidently hilarious
How beautifully goofy
This isn't an in love poem
But more as a general love
A love for this glow she has
She seems so bright with joy
And confident in everything
And I was confused at how
This girl could be so weird
But so pretty in my eyes
And I figured out that her beauty
Is her confidence

Me, well I've never had that
But I'll tell you it sure does
Get confusing sometimes

As though the constellations in her eyes
Had connected the dots to my heart

My eyes didn't close
And my mind was screaming
The weight of it all

My thoughts are slow
My words are stale
But I continue to write
These words don't rhyme
These lines don't fit
But I continue to write
These metaphors are used
These feelings aren't unique
Yet I continue to write

This conversation will determine the outcome of not only my life,
But of my sisters, and mainly my mothers as well,
And I don't know how comfortable I am in saying what needs to be said
But sister, mother, I'd say it in a heartbeat for you

Tic tac toe, you're fitting into place
And now the old ways don't seem true
Stick stop blue you're only shifting
In the same old shape you always do

If I could spend the rest of my days
in a contemplative haze
surrounded by nature, God's creation,
I would be most happy.

I'm sorry I'm normally fairly upbeat
It's ******* fine, I'm ******* fine
This isn't a joke anymore
These arent poems they are
Cries for help I won't accept

Being too critical of your friends
Is not the best way to keep them

I crossed the line,
More like you pushed me
And now, despite
Your crushing negativity
I feel great

She cut her hair
For one reason
With influence
From another

When I dance I feel alive
I feel the rhythm in my bones
I feel the beat in sync with myself
I feel my heart beat faster
My body moves with passion
I feel like there is something special
Something noticeable about me
When I step onto the dance floor
I feel like myself, completely

Play the music louder
Dance a little bolder
Feel the emotions bubble
Within you as you
Let it all seep out
Through the rhythm
Of your hips

Dandelion traces are in your hair
And sun rays etched into your soul
Shine through the imperfections
And make you even more beautiful

It's pouring now, but dim
Eerie blue light on my walls
Hum of the fishtank reverberating
Fan is creaking simply slow
My quilt does nothing for cold
But serves to only protect me
I am lonely. I am lonely.

No one should ever feel that way
But darling, feelings like that can go away
You're one for playing it safe
I promise that's what you'll find
And the restraint you use each day
Will become a natural ease of mind
For I will be there to hold you
Not with chains, but with the lock of my eyes
You see, I've fallen for you, it's no surprise

What other solution was there
what else was there to do
what else would have happened
Me helplessly walking behind
As you hold and kiss him,
Occasionally I get a peck on the cheek?
You would rather me fall for you,
And suffer
Than me to move on,
And find someone who will actually
Spend their love on me,
And I mean *all of it

Only in my day dreams do things unravel perfectly
Morning run rays, dust in the air, quilts bundled up
Good morning baby and I smile, I love hearing baby
My hand is clasped gently in another's, leading me
Breakfast, eggs sunny side up, hot tea and tomatoes
The rest of the day looks much brighter now

There was a moment today when i wish the world would stop
I was laying in the grass, sun bright, sky without a cloud
The new green leaves cast speckled shadows on the warm earth
I was laying there. Listening. Closing my mouth and Observing.
And for a minute.. I wanted to stay there. Without time speeding by
Without the stress of school or sports, or family or friends.
Just me and the sun. Chillin' hanging out with the sky and my dog
My hand settled on my golden retriever, sprawled out next to me
Her chest rising and falling with her long, relaxed breaths
I could hear each one. I could feel each breath. Up and down.
I wanted to stay with her for the whole day, just us.
But other emotions pulled me away from her, away from the day
Stress, responsibilities, hunger, all of them urged me to leave
leave her standing by the door like always, a look of abandonment
She slowly wagged her tail yearningly, a pleading look in her eyes
And although my heart beat for her, I closed the door.
I closed her out.

Dear mom and dad,
Could you keep the volume down
The bed is literally squeaking
C’mon your daughter is in town

Dear dad,
I don’t want to know his *** life
Your brother is a pig
And he’s cheating on his wife

Dear room,
Thanks for being small and cluttered
The closeness of your walls
They keep my heart un-stuttered

Dear body,
Dear brain,
I’m sorry I didn’t take my pills
And threw you way off kilter
I don’t know why I stopped this time
But I’ve really lost my filter

No one contact me by my phone
I won't be going anywhere anytime soon
No contact, nothing
Left to sit in my room and rot
Decay, don't call me, don't text
I am numb, back to numbness
Defense mechanism against
Fear

What do you do when you look awfully cute in that dress
But that hoodie and that short hair looks amazing too

Two AM, curl in a ball
Knees to chest, thoughts invade
Memories, hate, pressure
Tears from the recent trauma
Inner pain, invisible to daylight
Day light, I tolerate myself
Night, the hate comes back
Grab the temporary, pain reliever
one cut
I'm stupid
two cut
I'm hideous
three cut
My grades are slipping
four cut
perfect for dad
five cut
dad
six cut
I'm a terrible friend
seven cut
I have no excuses
eight cut
I'm ugly
nine cut
Focus on the blade,
Not my trouble
ten cut
Repeat steps 1-10
Until I forget what was killing me
But remember,
There will always be a reminder
The scars on my wrists are gone
The scars on my thighs are new
The scars haven't  formed
On my stomach yet

I used to see fire in her eyes
Now they hold nothing, defeat
He drags her everywhere
He takes her phone away
He treats her like a child
Therefore she's been trapped
And remains so for us

Despite all of the complaints and warnings and emotional distress
I did the right thing. I was there.

When I'm sad I'll drive to the store
Except I won't go right to the store
I pass the houses with Christmas lights
Or the small shops of the old town
Where things are light with color
And when I see all the people,
I'm not so lonely anymore

Did you ever stop to notice?

I just want to know, please tell me
What were you thinking when you heard me crying at night?
What did you think when you never saw me smile,
When you heard me call myself those words,
When you saw scars on my thighs, or did I hide that well enough
When I wore shorts to the beach?
Why didn't you help me when I needed help?
Or can it be possible you didn't notice at all

The dim fluorescent lights that illuminate the section of ties and clothes for 40 year old women. They buzz and if you watch every now and then they flicker.
The people mindlessly strolling down the carpeted isles, checking the clearance section titles ‘ladies blouses’
Every time you turn the corner, your own lonely and decrepit reflection greets you via the full length mirror ******* into the columns.
The particle board ceilings, the circular tables lined with multipacks of men’s underwear, the pointlessness of a store existing solely to accompany browsing zombies
You walk in not needing anything except to fill the extra time you have on a hot day in June. Hoping for anything to keep your mind off of the crushing weight that you need something to distract you from your own fear of being alone.

Please know that my poems on here are almost never about anyone on here
And I hate for people to read too far into them

My dad is loving most of the time,
He's been here loving all of my life,
There are just days he gets really mad
And takes it out on me, by yelling

Unity, wholeness, tethered
Yet one remains disconnected