I fell asleep in the canopy of an oak tree
Laying down on a high, thick limb
Thick enough to support my entire body
Limb carpeted in stubby tree fern
I awoke to the sound of birds,
And a gentle breeze, reminding me its fall
A small, fat bird perched contently
And I found myself wishing I was a bird
That I could fly away from my problems
That I could close my eyes and finally jump,
But being a bird I could catch myself with wings
I have the comfort of knowing it was myself
That was keeping  me going

I just need to yell and scream
And at least make sure the birds know

Withdrawing and flipping and
Flopping my way through the days
Nausea dizziness fatigue
Nausea dizziness fatigue
Nausea dizziness fatigue

He tells me it has a black box warning
He tells me it'll be over soon
Don't hesitate to call
Don't hesitate to call
Don't hesitate to call

Eyes that glaze over glassy and opaque
Will it be my hands or my voice
Everything shakes

What if the most poetic thing I’ll ever write is my own suicide note?

And yet somehow through all of the pain, I am still here

I was sick
Deathly sick, infected with some virus
Killing me
My mind was turned on and off
I was half crazy, touched by dementia
Some kind of neurotoxin
And threw up blood
Red blood, but thicker than glue
To where it caught in my throat coming up
Dangerously choking me every time
Blood
Red and black thick blood
Sat in coagulated clumps on the new carpet
My mother came in
Told me to fold some clothes,
When my mind cleared from the
New waves of dementia
I realized I was dying
Why weren't my parents taking me to the hospital?
They didn't care
In fact they tried to pretend I wasn't there
It was like I was embarrassing them
I tried to tell two of my friends
They didn't care
They didn't care
They didn't care
I looked in the mirror,
My eyes widened
Sticky, gelatinous blood
Caught stuck in my throat
And I knew then,
Half conscious,
I was going to die
And no one
**Would care.

All this time I was merely a bud
Thinking I was a flower
But now I look in the reflection
In the river, and I am in full bloom

Does it ever just hit you?*
Do you ever cry not because of the physical pain you say you are in
But your mind sends you a quick *reminder?

I can't keep the blood from rushing to my cheeks

Does you're body every betray your mind
Like when your mind says keep it cool
But your flashy red cheeks scream
*look at my emotions, red and raw across my face

We don't need that much
Just someone
That starts the spark
In our bonfire hearts

At some point you have to make a decision
Boundaries don't keep other people out,
They fence you in.
Life is messy, that's how we're made.
So you can waste your life drawing lines
Or you can live your life crossing them

There are some lines you finally step over
But the person pushes you back to the other side

I wore a bow in my hair today
Because I wanted to

Dear friends,
I fear that is site is a catalyst
Of negativite emotions
And I fear as of now
It brings out the worst in me
I also fear it distracts me
From the most important things
Going on right in front of me
So I think I am going to take a break
For a while,
And I wish you all the best of luck

Gasoline, babies, musty AC
Lilacs, earth when it rains
Smoke from a wood burning stove at night,
Memories, all of them claim
They say smell is the most powerful thing
To take you back to a place or a time
And though I have loved all of the above
I know which I want most in my mind
To fall asleep with you on my chest
Your head in the pit of my arm
Legs entangle, arms so heavy
Butterflies in my chest start to swarm
For the most potent smell,
The most wonderful smell
That takes me to a safe place
Is the smell of your breath, your cheeks your lips
The smell of your soft sleeping face
The slow rise and fall of your chest at night
Already my racing thoughts slow
With you on my side and your breath on my face
The warmth in me continues to grow

My mind is a stew *** brewing wild things

What's nice is that
the past is the past
It won't happen again,
The future looks bright
And what you did
Once before you won't
Do again... promise

You know a word that's over used
Broken
I'm broken, she's broken, everyone is
And I would say I'm tired of it
Except for that everyone is broken
No one is in perfect condition
And whether you're cracked or shattered
Everyone has that imperfection
And though maybe you think a crack
Makes you less likely to sell or be enjoyed by others
Do not return yourself
Do not be sent back so someone can get a newer model
Because there will never be  someone who isn't the least bit broken

You cannot just say it is fine
You cannot say it is normal,
It is not normal, not fine
Not acceptable, not okay
This changes so much,
Don't you realize?
This changes so much

It was all a high and I knew it and I rode it
But that wave has crashed and its settling in now
My family is broken, my family is broken
And I saw the pain in your eyes, the guilt, the sorrow
And I walked away because I couldnt stare at them anymore
I walked away and left you standing there hopeless
Shouldn't you? Don't you deserve this?
When will my hands stop shaking and when will my breathing normalize
The numbness of trauma only stays because of adrenaline
But now it's gone and the pain is here and I'm left not being able to breathe
As I escaped the horror of inside that broken house
Sitting outside shivering, broken

I'm not being lead by anyone anymore
I pulled off the leash around my neck
I stopped letting things go to save this
Now I finally found something more
Important than I thought you were
And that's **me

Tell me,
Do  you ever regret not following through with your own death
Do you ever wish you'd thrown your phone into the river
And let yourself slip away on the cool wet concrete

Because sometimes
Sometimes


I do.

Upon further deep thought I realized how ******* up my childhood was
And I can't help but blame myself for not realizing what I was doing

Wouldn't it be nice to be in a relationship
Where we each set the foundation
And build on each others
Happiness

I am trapped
Like a caged animal
But it's my job
To open the cage
From now on
I will remain free

Her mind is cloudy, sunny sky
And her stomach cages butterflies

You have the warmest look of anyone I've ever seen
When you smile  your moon eyes gleam
You don't realize your pretty the way you are
You don't need to listen to death music to force scars
I see your hurting, and feeling inferior
Because some people, to you, seem highly superior
The amounts of your kindness, and small little winks
Or the way your mind simply,  innocently thinks
You don't need to skip out, or stop eating your meal
Your amazing the way you are
Your amazing as **Camille

I wish I was a boy
A cute skinny boy

No I never get used to silence
But I don't hear, no, I don't hear, I don't hear you anymore.
I know I had to look hard to find it
Everything, everything, everything is gone.

I looked up the number, it's saved on my phone
And I let the time pass all away
Then when I muster my strength up to call
They have already closed for the day

You care so much
How could you?
You care so much
But do I deserve it

The top was down
Going fast
Blue moon
Speed through town
Stars sparkle
Lights shine
Alleys darken
Yellow lines
Tree silhouettes
Cold wind
No second guess
Blankets, thin
Guitars strumming
The smell of gas
I feel like humming
The night to pass

Waking in the cool sand.
Tide coming in.
Moonlight and emptiness.
No not emptiness.
Life is everywhere you just can't see it
Sharks are feeding.
Stars are burning
Fish are hiding.
Waves crashing on the shore.
I Lay alone. My friends are somewhere else
I lay in the cool, powdery sand.
Soft and caressing.
I look at the stars and sing amazing grace softly
Without notice my eyes tear up.
I think of Pepaw.
God took you this Easter.
I think if what you stood for.
I think of Jesus.
More tears.
I think of my faults. My sins.
I realize I am strong.
Independent. Though I yearn for love I can wait.
I Can be happy with my flaws and body.
No more insecurities.
I never felt so free.
I am a changed person.
And soon everyone will See.

Sometimes, as I plan out the colleges
Look at the different fields of opportunities,
I wonder if God has a different plan for me
If only I could hear Him tell me what He wants
What does He want me to do?
I have this amazing life in my mind,
But never stopped to think what amazing plan is in His
I want to go to Heaven, run up to God and say smiling,
I did it! I heard you! And I did what You wanted!
And I won't follow Him for the reward in Heaven,
But for the smile on His face when he replies,
**Yes daughter, you heard me.

I used to write about mountains
I used to write couplets on clocks and school
And I guess there's just so much that's happened
You could say I was fantasy's fool

I used to write in a notebook
And I used to write stories of others
Lines with such positive outlook
Poems of love and promise and color

And now I just write about depression
Each line typed out on a black and white screen
I'd say writing is still an obsession
A personal way of being heard and seen

And maybe one day
The lines will say
I'm happy again
I've found a way
But until that time
I'll use rhythm and rhyme
To express my stress
And to give subtle signs

I found myself cheekily smiling today
The type of smile I only do rarely
The type of smile that hasn't visited
This earth in a real good while
I want to smile like that everyday
I want to look stupid while grinning
Like a fool,
Because that feeling that bubbles up
When I smile like that,
It is rivaled by no other

I am a cheesy person
So you tell me,
American swiss or cheddar?

I hate to be cheesy or cliche
But...

If love were a chemical
I would mix it with yours
Until I got a reaction

The land was what they knew
The land was what they grew
What beautifully efficient people
The kindness in their eyes
Yet a certain sorrow lingered
Because of their demise,
And I could only feel guilty
That I was born white,
Because my greedy race
Led to the Cherokee flight
They left their mountain homes
Thousands died along that trail
But I'm grateful for the nation
That survives to tell the tale

Then there's a moment when you realize you might just be one of them too

Rose pillows
Chocolate ***  
Candied kisses
Sugar plum
Smooth intentions
Lacey peeks
Soft and warm
Embarrassed kinks

I keep ******* up
It's like I'm on the edge
Of losing it
And my mind won't
Make a choice
Here's a message from me:
Just choose okay
Let me be suicidal like I was
Or happy like I was
Not this rapidly switching
Mixed state of both
*Please, anything but this

So many wars against so many religions
So much hate because we don't believe the exact same thing.
People put so much faith into their religions,
they sometimes forget about what their religions about.
I do not like the idea of religions very much
If your a Christian and you believe in God,
Why have so many religions just cause
Someone does one minor thing different
I looked into it, and the differences between us is so small
Let me answer a question.
Yes, other Christians believe in Jesus too!
Guess what? they also go to communion,
get baptized (shocker) and pray!
Why can't we have a church called Church.
Where everyone could worship God however.
So theres no more discrimination because of religion.
Because i don't put my faith in religion,
I put it in Jesus Christ.
Amen.

I'm tired of feeling this way
The head aches won't go away
My emotions are out of check
Hell I'm crashing, human wreck
When it all hits you full force
And you blame the emotions
For your physical state
Do you assume this is it?
How you live from now on?
Has it all become chronic?

What a feeling to inhale its toxic love
Knowing it's bad but oh so good
Memories and melodies swirl
Like the smoke curling off my lip
With each breath knowing I hurt,
Hurt something clean and pure
Only after letting go of my past
Did I stop breathing the wrong way

I have made a circle
I am back where I began
Except this time
I know exactly *who I am

It's a **** good thing too
You were right.
Good thing I listened this time