What's the point of even writing if you have to monitor what you say, even on this website

I just feel really ******* stupid

I would like to sincerely apologize to everyone for being a disappointment

don't tell me this is a bad idea
I should have remembered
I have trust issues

(This isn't a poem so don't even bother)
Because here's the deal
I hate it when I want to write about things that scare me, my fears, my past
And I have to be worried that people on here will read it and wonder if I'm okay? Wonder if I need help, feel pity towards me? I don't know if they would
Because I promise you all I am somehow 10x stronger because of the **** that's gone down
And maybe it's not that much ****, but it's a lot to me
A lot to recreate how I think, move, feel, sense
I just want to be able to talk about this and not get those stares like "oh my god this girl must be messed up because of that. She must be depressed or something"
I know what depressed is
I know what cutting is
I know anxiety is
But that's not me
That's a girl who got lost
Very lost.
She isn't and never will be me. Ever.

I hate how I think I'm better off
And I end up ******* myself
I hate how almost every memory of sophomore year is painful.
Some are beautiful pains
And some are dark dark pains.
I hate how I have to filter myself on this site
I hate how I'll write something and end up deleting the whole thing because what's the point of posting something on private of I'm the only one who will read it.
I hate how I can love people so much,
So so much
But I end up hardening up about it
Speechless and slightly ******
I hate how no one will actually read this, or if they do they won't read it slowly
I hate how I'm using hate because I don't think I truly hate anything except sin and evil.
I want sunshine and stupid cliche picnics and board games and skating and everything I say I'll do but never end up doing
And I can't say I love you to anyone enough to express god I love you
And I'm sorry you haven't heard it
And I promise I'll work on it

I'm sorry if I say I need you
I don't care, I'm not scared
Of love
When I'm not with you I'm weaker
Is that so wrong? Is that so wrong?
You make me strong

I never really understood the feeling of flames and fire
Until now

Miles mean nothing when the trouble isn’t on the road

You cannot play that card
You cannot play that ******* card
*******
You *******

When your parents are asking about boys and boyfriends
Do you ever wanna just get it over with and scream in their face,
*I AM GAY

Do you ever just picture how perfect it could be
Only for a second,

And yeah I let you use me from the day that we first met
But I’m not done yet
Falling for your fool’s gold
And I knew that you turned it on for everyone you met
But I don’t regret falling for your fool’s gold

This is the time of year when you need someone to love
And someone who loves you back

I felt it again

Part of me still wants to cut it all off
All of it.

You don't like him because
He has something you don't

I'll give up being able to control my thoughts
I never like them anyways

Everything around me has become confusing
From feelings to family, everything has broken
Into a million tiny pieces, like specks of   dust
And I'm done dealing, so I sit here breathing them in

My heart must be fooling me

I can't quite fit in the words I want to say

Something tells me I'll ***** up a relationship
But I'm still open to getting pumped and making out?
Let's have a party
Who knows it could change my mind?

(Not) Loving you is the hardest thing I have ever had to do

You will never know what I did to myself
One because I don't want you to know
And two, *because you never cared to ask

This is exactly why I use my second account
People make assumptions about poems
Not about them

I wish
But wishes are for dreamers

I watch as the people I once knew
Become the people I don't know anymore
I miss them a so much
Growing up is amazing and depressing
That girl who was always happy is now sad
That girl who was so innocent is now ruined
That girl who was cracking jokes fell silent

That leads me to wonder. Did I change too?
Do others notice a small silent change in me?

Speaking of phases
There went my self esteem

Our breathing slowed to a simultaneous rhythm
Supported by our hearts, beating the same

I'm dandelion to you
But Piper to who?

I don’t belong here

She thinks I'm poisoned
She thinks I'm evil

I can't live here anymore
I can't take it anymore

she won't notice when I'm gone
she won't notice one bit

Everyday the images come back
And everyday I want to throw up
And bang my head against something
Hard enough to make me stop feeling

I understand
I really do
That you got those feelings
That something isn't right
I respect that
I want you to do what makes you happy
I don't want you to be uneasy or unsure
However I would like you to know
That I still love you
I do
And that that while you were feeling nauseous and wrong
I was feeling truly loved and pure bliss
I have never felt that way ever
And I'm glad that it happened
And I wanted you to know
I would have kissed you
I honest to God would have
If my friends and sister weren't there
But I also know
If you love someone let them go
And I'm so glad you told me
Because although you had me
You wouldn't have felt right
And that's what's important
You made me feel like someone actually wanted me
And although it was probably just late night drunkeness
I don't like to think if it that way
I respect you wanting to be alone
And unattached
And no matter how hard it was for me to say 'I gotchu totally'
I really do get it
I just didn't want you to have the impression
That I didn't love or want you
Because I can assure you
Everything was different for me that night
And I would have given up the cold for heat any day
The way I felt
I'm sorry if this ******* writing makes you nauseous
I'm sorry if this isn't helping you achieve what it is you want
But I thought you needed to know
Because I'm just as awkward as you when it comes to talking

Believe me when I say I *would

I would say that's good
but that's not how I feel

Can you at least pretend like you're happy for me?
Can you for once be happy that something good happened to me?
Is it so hard to take the spotlight off of yourself once and a while?

I'll find a way out of it

It's pointless

Finally I am clearly seeing everyone
And I know they see me too
For once I feel like I am being *seen

I didnt want to

My hands are quivering
And the air is cold

I was doing so much better
I was way more self confident
And now You had to
******* go there
And say the wig looks prettier
Than me. your own daughter
Laugh at me. Say Its awkward
Say it was a mistake
Say you feel bad for poor me
What do I have to do
To feel ******* pretty
What do I have to ******* do

In some cases I am hardest on the ones I love most

Sometimes I think I am seriously taken for granted

How sad it is to remember the sick feeling you got
When you felt their hand in places it shouldn't have gone
And you didn't have the heart to say no louder

I'm fighting to fix everything,
But no one is helping me fight

It always happens with someone you can't have