Dear friends,
I fear that is site is a catalyst
Of negativite emotions
And I fear as of now
It brings out the worst in me
I also fear it distracts me
From the most important things
Going on right in front of me
So I think I am going to take a break
For a while,
And I wish you all the best of luck

Dear God,
IF he won't be a good husband when we leave
Please please please
Let him hurt me
So then I'll know to tell someone
I don't mind God
I can take anything he throws at me
(Literally)
So if he won't be a good husband,
Please let this happen to me
I'll be the one to get her out and to get him help

We all sang loudly
Bass was heavy
Speeding to the city

The numbness has begun to fade
And now I descend into panic
As every single ******* thing
I've been through and never told
Every single thing I never
Had the chance to cry about
Every single ******* thing
I've held in since I was six
Is bursting at my seams,
And no amount of stitches
Can keep it from leaking out

I am beaten down, worn out, utterly emotionally and mentally exhausted
And a giant weight sits on my shoulders that I carry around all the time
A choice I have to make. Do I break what's already broken, or leave it to break others

This conversation will determine the outcome of not only my life,
But of my sisters, and mainly my mothers as well,
And I don't know how comfortable I am in saying what needs to be said
But sister, mother, I'd say it in a heartbeat for you

What do I do?*
I know what would happen
If I told you the truth
And boy I do hate lying

I could see it in your eyes
The pain you felt for me

I cannot express the extent of my sorrow
Knowing you will remain trapped

I text my mom asking her if I should go in there and tear him apart with words so truthful it'd leave him speechless
And then she says no, and I realize she's right
I'd be too scared of what he'd do to me afterwards.

Every single part of my body
Shakes vigorously with
Anger, sadness, depression
My hands tremble aggressively
And I put my shirt in my mouth
So he won't hear me scream
******* and what you did to us
And I lay half naked on the floor
Of my locked room sobbing violently
When is it too much to handle

Maybe I'm not as strong as they say I am
Maybe I'm not as strong as I say I am

You want to say someone cheated you,
Find just one person to blame
But there are too many, including yourself
So you just say life cheated you instead

Part of me is an angsty teenage girl
Who wants to get ****** up and smoke cigarettes
And drive late at night, wearing dark clothing
Part of me is a vibrant young woman
Who wants to paint pictures of the sun
Wear rainbow bandanas and smile all the time
It all just depends on the circumstance

When you see me crying
Why do you turn away
When I feel like dying
Why do you want to play
When I tell you I'm not fine
Why don't you really worry
When you see me in the hall
Why are you always in a hurry
When I tell you why I'm in pain
Why to you is it just a game

When the plane seems like it's nosediving
And you can't gain control
When the future worries you
Because of the past
Just shrug and smile and know
That few as they are,
There are people that truly care

How sad it is to remember the sick feeling you got
When you felt their hand in places it shouldn't have gone
And you didn't have the heart to say no louder

There is also a moment when you realize they are not the one being hurt by others
The only thing hurting them was themselves
Whereas with you, well, all along, they were the one hurting you

There's a point when the welfare of others begins to take its toll on you
When the wellbeing of someone is more important than yourself

You have to love yourself enough to stop
You have to love yourself enough to say no
You have to love yourself enough to realize
It was hurting you, and the whole time it wasn't okay
You have to love yourself enough to move on

Only at that moment were my eyes hollow, empty
If you were to look inside you would have seen nothing
Only at that moment did I ever feel lifeless

My eyes didn't close
And my mind was screaming
The weight of it all

Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it

I lay expressionless
Sick and mechanic

Waiting for the right person
Is better than getting stuck with the wrong one

Smudged, filthy, *****, polluted

Wrap your arms around each other
And sing, *even when you don't know the words

I'm not this emotional, depressed girl
Not a suicidal sorrowful girl either
I'm a girl who is dealing with my past
The best I can, and maybe my past isn't that bad
Maybe it's not something to dwell on
All I know is that it's affected me
And I'm dealing with it one way or another

And I haven't gone to bed early since the beginning of this year
Something keeps me up, something keeps me stirring
My hands move nervously like they do before an exam
Something has me stressed, something has me thinking
Something is on my mind

I am sad
I am so so sad
So pitifully sad

Way too cheesy Mac and cheese
And the hum of the Storm Peak Express

I'm trying to be

She motioned the outline of an hourglass, a particularly curvy one
And said, "you're supposed to look like this"
And I thought to myself, *that way of thinking is just the problem

You somehow thought that you could use our friendship,
Our friendship I had given a lot up for,
To tell others, in essence, how I was wrapped around your finger
And if you like the feeling of someone following you around
I would suggest buying a puppy

I don't allow myself to get wrapped around others fingers
I just sit in the palm of their hand, give them what I can give
Sometimes it's enough. Sometimes it's not.

Despite all of the complaints and warnings and emotional distress
I did the right thing. I was there.

We fill the air with useless words
Filling the empty space,
Minds and hearts yearning to fill the void themselves

One year clean
Clean wrists
Clean thighs
Clean heart
Clean mind

I'm on my knees
only memories
are left for me to hold

Don't know how
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself together

Theres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world

Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change

No I never get used to silence
But I don't hear, no, I don't hear, I don't hear you anymore.
I know I had to look hard to find it
Everything, everything, everything is gone.

I still fear you don't care

The older I get
The less you seem to like me
And I'm sorry I didn't turn out
Right to you
I'm sorry I was the rotten kid
Out of the patch of healthy ones to you
I'm sorry I don't like dressing up
I'm sorry I have opinions
I'm sorry I have a loud voice
I'm sorry my laugh bothers you
I'm sorry I'm not funny to you
I'm sorry nothing I do impresses you
I'm sorry I wasn't a better kid
I'm sorry I'm not better now
I'm sorry I'm not who you wanted me to be
I'm sorry

I have so much to say
But given the opportunity
I'm silent

It's a feeling that spread across my whole body down from my gut to my fingers
Leaving me feeling horribly violated
And badly shaken
And I can't control it

I'm too flaky
I'm too competitive
I'm too forgiving
I'm too self deprecating
I'm too bent in the past
And too focused on the future
I'm too uncommitted
I'm too scared, worried, nervous
I'm not worth your time
Not with so many "too's"

I'm afraid I'm like the ocean
Always moving, changing
Never to be held in ones hands

You care so much
How could you?
You care so much
But do I deserve it

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

Maybe I am flaky
I don't really know
But maybe I'm flaky
Because I'm waiting
For the right person
To make me
*Want to stay

The title of a predetermined holiday
Won't magically change things
*It's up to me, you, us to do that

I need someone
Right now