She thinks I'm poisoned
She thinks I'm evil

I can't live here anymore
I can't take it anymore

she won't notice when I'm gone
she won't notice one bit

Come back come back come back

I miss the highs and lows,
All the climbing, all the falling,
All the while the wild wind blows,
Stinging you with snow
And soaking you with rain
I miss the mountains,
I miss the pain.

not even these poems explain it

When I wanted to die yesterday I thought long and hard about what it was I really wanted

I used to want the pain. The blood. To watch death happen.

Then I realized I don't want the death I want what seems like peace after death.

But would that even exist for me?

How can you tell if someone has changed
Without awaiting the next time they hurt you

All this time I thought if I killed myself she wouldn't grieve all that much. That it'd be better off. That it'd make her happier.
But
If I were to **** myself, she would mourn. She would die inside. She would care.
*And that makes all the difference

This is the time of year when you need someone to love
And someone who loves you back

Walking down the hallway
He walks by and my mind races
Look down. No, look up.
Eye contact
Should I smile?
The moment is over
You awkward idiot
Stares at the ceiling
Stop no don't think of that
Finds a distraction
Stop! Stop thinking!
Reaches the door
Okay, big smile on three
Walks outside
"Hey guys what's up!"

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses
Yearning to breath free"
Yet we voted for a man ready to force people *out
We voted for a man who won't let people in
People tired, and poor yearning for the "land of the free"
Let us all remember this country was built on immigration
Founded on immigration
Let us not forget what this country originally stood for

I'm trying to be great
And simply survive
At the same time

She smokes cigarettes outside in the dark
She likes the way it feels knowing the smoke is deadly
Her pale face and sunken grey eyes, drug induced state
She doesn't try anymore, and
Her hoodie isn't thick enough to warm her skin,
Growing ever colder

I always said I wasn't a city girl
I didn't like the idea of concrete and high rises
Or the idea of traffic jams and noise
But I found I've changed my outlook

It was alive, the whole city was
So many different people,
From so many different places
All in one city

The buildings were huge and glassy
And lights created beautiful spectacles
Splotches of strong green trees
Checkered the whole area

There were old red brick apartments
And cafes and shops and alleys
And there were gigantic slick towers
That reflected like mirrors

There were giant magnificent churches
And there were bicycles ringing
And horse carriages in the parks
The night was filled with neon

The country girl in me made room
For the urban girl to make a home
New York City the melting ***
And the only thing I missed was  
The stars.

If I could spend the rest of my days
in a contemplative haze
surrounded by nature, God's creation,
I would be most happy.

"I worry about you"
He said in a condescending cold voice.

Worry about me how?
Do you worry I don't like you
Do you worry I do things to spite you
Do you worry I'm emotionally unstable
Or do you worry I just won't make it in life.

I never want to hear that sound again
I never want to feel that pain again
I never want to see those marks again

So I turn to You God
Please forgive me for not loving myself
And help me to see myself as You do

I lost it last night
I cried and I kicked

I hit my mirror
I screamed in my pillow

I threw everything off my bed
I knocked things off my stand

And soon enough there it was
Sitting in my hand

And what did I do with it?
I made the wrong choice.

I pace back and forth down the hall past his classroom,
I peer in and hesitantly take a step inside
The moment our eyes meet I look away and stop myself

My finger tips linger near the keyboard on the screen,
I type up a paragraph, as my hands shake slightly
Only to delete the whole thing with one touch

I see him at the end of the day and he asks what's wrong
I open my mouth to speak, and then shut it
My struggle remains internalized

I don't have the heart to say what's wrong,
I don't have the heart to ask for help,

To think I spend so many hours wondering if you're alright
How many hours I've put into making sure you know
That you are loved, you are cared for, you are good, you are valuable
And after all of the **** I have seen and been through,
You think it's annoying I complain?
Even though I rarely do.
Even though I hold everything in until it hurts my insides
You think it's annoying I complain?
Why else didn't you answer my question?
No wonder I stopped telling you what's wrong with me.
I guess I sensed your dissatisfaction with my venting.
And now
*Now I have no one

The feeling of gritty dirt between your toes and under your finger nails
The sound of pine needles falling on the rain guard of your tent
I walk outside and the cool crisp morning air stings my nostrils
Nothing could wake me up better than the smell of wood smoke on a cold morning

It's early, so the sun hasn't touched the earth, and the sky is still soft
It's a deep blue, but not dark enough to be night, and you can see bright corners
Stretching from the east, but the towering trees make it hard to see
I slip a packet of tea into a mug of hot water and sit next to the fire

I stare at the pair of muddy hiking boots sitting next to a tall mountain pine
Where should I go today? What places shall I find?

Everyday the images come back
And everyday I want to throw up
And bang my head against something
Hard enough to make me stop feeling

I don't talk about it anymore
I nod my head
I groan a little
But the truth is
I want to cut out part of my brain
Or find another way to forget

Just some advice:
Don't run a knife and run it over the very spot you knew I used to cut on purpose

You will never know what I did to myself
One because I don't want you to know
And two, *because you never cared to ask

I long for the absolute high I got
When the John Lennon song blasted
Out of my open car windows
Cruising down the interstate
As the sun beat down

You constantly shoot me with comments
Word bullets ricocheting off of me everyday
But then you somehow want me to confide in you?

Well since none of my friends go on here anymore,
Boy, do I just want to kiss someone,
And I know I've said it before, but I want more
I want to be grabbed by someone and pulled in tight
And I want to kiss them, I want to be kissed by them
I want to kiss until I am too tired to do anything
Some deep pre teen desire pushing me further in
To this want for physical affection in the most
Intimate way

Senior year and I've made it to this
Things got easier for me,
And all that emotional work out,
I must be friggin *ripped

I'd tell you
But I keep getting the feeling
You're tired of hearing it

No ones on this site anymore

I need to get out of this bed
This room
This house
This town
This state
My own mind

who knows why i came back to this site
maybe its because my source of communication sits dead in the muddy waters in that cold lake
and without a soul to talk to, i write myself:
Dear Me:
i know you're trying, so don't worry about that. i know you are a happy person and you just long every ******* day to let go of this sadness that creeps in at the worst of times. i know you don't like having to always be fidgeting, how you always bounce you're feet during church or class.  i know you love God, and i know you are trying. Dear, just be still. stop worrying, stop fidgeting, stop remembering. look at what you've accomplished, and smile. you've done so much and you have so much more to give. let it go. and if you can't let it go, and when your strength is gone and your hopes fall low. remember I love you, God loves you, and you were beautifully made. goodnight. xoxo

the problem is,
i know theres something wrong
i know by the way i go from trying everything at once
to dropping it all in sullen silence
i know by the way my voice shifts from high pitch
to a monotonous quiet drone
i know when i lay in my bed staring at the ceiling fan
i know by the way i draw, play, sing, and dance
to laying on my couch, not really watching the tv
and i know mostly when i pray
for God to make the dreary go away

I feel separated from everything that is happening
Like the audience attending a musical, watching
Not involved, yet knowing everything that's happening
It's the strangest feeling of being unconnected,
And I have to say, I'd rather be a performer than the audience

I so badly seek approval from friends teachers and coaches because I don't feel the approval from my family

Everything in the air was toxic
The smoke consumed us all
Grey and green and black
My eyes barely open and my legs
Shaking, head completely cloudy
The smoke was even inside my mind
It swirled inside my brain and
Fogged up my vision as I inhaled
So much smoke
Everything in the air was toxic
Including your lips on mine for a second
Everything was grey too
The dim headlights on a gravel road
The trees were grey too, the sky
The poisonous exhaust in the beams of the headlights
The smoke coming from the four cigarettes on the ground and the smoke coming out of my mouth and yours
It was all toxic and it was all grey, and I don't regret doing it because I learned from it
In a way it was a poisonous kind of beautiful, that night
But the kind of poisonous that would **** you,
So I must not do it again

I wear messy buns to school
And a silver cross neck less my best friend gave me
I enjoy strumming the same four chords on a pink ukulele  
And enjoy staying late after track just to hang out with the coaches
I am now always listening to Jimmy Buffet and putting on sun screen
And am obsessed with plants, especially my new garden
I pray the divine mercy novena prayers at night
And I spend my school days looking up future mission trips, going on ifunny and taking personality quizzes
Catch me shipping superheroes and being obsessed with Deadpool
Or reading the newest Louis T conspiracies
I spend my free time in the hot tub or on a jet ski
My favorite time of day is around 7:30- 8 AM when the sun rays turn bright yellow
My favorite season is spring because I love green a lot now
I'd say I'm fairly happy, but am prone to depressed moments throughout a day
My family is tense and awkward but I love them all
And my life is very enjoyable

Help me to love the parts of myself I hate
Help me to love my nose, chin, and smile and hair
Help me to love my body, chest and hips and legs
Help me to love my personality, my bad jokes, awkwardness, and loud mouth
Help me to love myself
Please
Help me to love myself

She, in three weeks, has had 3 different guys
(Yeah I'm happy for her)
But each time she tells me about the new guy the deep hollow pit inside my stomach gets a little deeper, a little more empty
It seems like everyone has someone pining for them
Well that is except for me
I don't mean to ***** and complain and wallow in self pity
But this has been inside of me and I guess I need an outlet
It's like a punch in the face when I'm with friends and then we take a picture and everyone seems to look 17
Except for me
It hurts when people ask if I'm what 13 or maybe 14?
I mean I didn't realize how premature I am until now
And I can't tell you how much I hate it
I hate having to wear make up to look a year older, and even then I only look like a freshman
I despise bathing suits
I detest clothing that tightly fits because it is supposed to accentuate natural feminine curves
But I have none so what's the ******* point besides making it even more obvious I don't have them
It hurts not being able to shop for bras
And ******* like ******* it hurts when your best friend tells you "aw it's okay one day"
Because it sounds like my mom saying I can't ride in the front seat of the car
It's belittling
And I already feel little enough
It hurts looking at bras and **** online because none fit you
The worst part of all is probably all the "one day you'll grow sweetie"
That only makes it even more of a reality
So I guess the best idea is to **** in that part of myself I hate and not share that often or else I get those comments that hurt more
so I'll keep holding **** in because that's what I'm good at
And we can all pretend I didn't go ***** off like this

You laid on a towel, eyes glued to a screen
That phone was more interesting than me,
And you missed so much because of it
You missed the ducklings that swam by
Missed the giant pelican that landed on the cypress tree
You missed the way the current changed with the wind
You missed the croaks of the alligators
Missed the sounds of acoustic guitar and James Taylor
You missed the way the sun light hit my hair
You missed my brown eyes trying to find yours
You missed the conversations we could have had
You missed the tiny moments that make a memory
You'll remember a boring day or texting someone else
But I'll remember the birds, the music, the water, the smells
I'll remember the conversations in my head
And I'll remember how you weren't a part of it

I was born premature
I came out tiny, skinny,
A whopping 3 pounds and whatever ounces
My parents told me they didn't expect me to have full use of my lungs
But I did
Premature babies don't grow very quickly in early childhood
But I don't think I ever saw that
I mean I always knew I was small
But I never realized how small
Looking back at all the pictures of me,
I was always the smallest, skinniest, and shortest kid around
The boys would scoop me up and carry me down the halls,
But not in the cute princess way
It was more of tossing around a toy
And I'd sit there kicking the hell out of them screaming to put me down
But it never occurred to me there was a reason I was so small
It was fourth grade and I weighed a whopping 47 pounds, the boys still carried me off, and I still didn't take it
Turns out, puberty wouldn't hit me like it would hit all the other girls
In fact, there wasn't even a need for my mom to have "the talk" with me
In fact, at seventh grade I didn't know what the hell a period was
I didn't even where bras.
In fact the first day of high school I wasn't wearing a bra!
And I cried the first day when I realized that ******* everyone had bras on and I didn't even own one
And to my dismay I realized my mom had actually bought my little sister bras, but I didn't have any
And I was the point of interest at hushed family get togethers
Hearing hushed conversations like
Poor baby, it obviously won't happen any time soon
Im sure she will catch up
And I certainly didn't realize why my little sister was taller than me, bigger than me, and now curvier than me!
That was my job ******.
And my favorite was when my mom introduced us to friends and they would always ask my younger sister how high school was and I would have to interrupt and say "Hi I'm the oldest actually"
I never thought it to do with the timing of my birth
But now I'm discovering that it turns out preemies are at high risk for physical developmental problems, learning disabilities (especially with math), ADHD, depression, psychosis, and anxiety in the teenage years
And much more likely if the birth weight was under 4 pounds! (Me)
But just like when I was four and the boys carried me and took turns lifting me off my feet
I won't let it stop me
I won't let it get to me
Being a preemie is tough.
Especially when you were born as early as I was, and as small as I was
I'll always look younger, I'll never look my own age, and I'll never be very curvy,
But I guess that's just something to add to the list of things that are supposed to hold me back.
I won't let them

I'm done with all of the angst,
I'm done hiding in dark corners
Sitting in a brew of unhappiness, simmering
I'm through with poems about being dead
Poems about the past, which is but a bump
In my bright future
I'm done having a boyfriend who I don't love
Who I tried to love, but once again, forced
I'm done feeling sick around certain people
(Even though I can't change the way my body responds)
I can't stand half the songs on my phone anymore
Because they force memories to the surface
And why the hell do I want to feel that?
I'm done being dark and twisty,
Done saying negative comments about my life
Done with cigarettes and done with substances
Created to make me feel happy,
When all they do is make me feel helplessly small
I'm done, I'm done, I'm done

Momma please come and hold me close  
Don't leave me here, turn out the light
You're comfort is what I need most
Just lay with me and wrap me tight

Because somehow the arm you hold me with
Is an impenetrable shield that keeps me safe
For just the presence of you next to me
Scares away all the fear and hate

Every single bit of drive
The dream that once propelled me forward
Working vigorously, trying to reach it
Thinking I could reach it
Now seems just that. A dream.
And I feel as though I've let down
Every single person I see
And the motivation is all gone,
Because what am I working for?
Please tell me, what am I working for
If he's right, then what am I doing
Shouldn't I give up
Shouldn't I stop
Shouldn't I just fill in the role
Of the dissappoinment
we all knew would happen

I like keeping things in and away
But my eyes don't lie, and people can see

He's right you know?
You won't make it through college
You'll never be anything
And a ******* for trying
So stop will ya?

As snot and tears flow down my throat
I lay shaking because he's right
Who am I kidding, I'll never be a doctor
And I've known it all along
The only thing I am
is a **** up
And that's the simplest truth there is

No one contact me by my phone
I won't be going anywhere anytime soon
No contact, nothing
Left to sit in my room and rot
Decay, don't call me, don't text
I am numb, back to numbness
Defense mechanism against
Fear

It's like something set me on fire again
Expect this time it's not about burning
It's not even about the heat
It's about the light that's shining out of me

In a world where it's not safe to be queer
A world where people actually **** themselves
Because not everyone accepts how they love
It it could quite possibly be a very dangerous thing
To out someone, revel their ****** orientation
And I have to say, reveling that kind of information
Is a very cruel, and potentially damaging thing to do
And if one cares at all about quality of life, or even quantity of life at all
If one knows at all about what it's like to be queer
I urge them not to even consider such a damaging thing .
What kind of "changed" or "better" person
would ever contemplate such a thing?