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Rj Jan 2017
It's a new year but it feels like another trap. It feels hopeless it feels worthless. 2017, I graduate in three months but it feeling pointless it feels meaningless. Before I drift to sleep I lay staring at the ceiling and I think of nothing and tears well up and my mind goes numb enough for me to allow myself to sleep instead of staying up because staying up could only mean one thing and sleeping is like death but only temporary. I pop five of my moms anti anxiety pills and even though the mg I took is a safe and normal dose and some people regularly take more than one pill and I'm just trying to make myself sleep before I get worse and it works. It works. But I can't help thinking about what I felt when I swallowed five big white pills. I felt rebellious I felt numb at the same time. I felt final. Something felt final. I felt peace as I closed my eyes and quickly prayed to God that He'd forgive me tonight because I took the pills for the wrong reason. Or did I? Wasn't I just staying alive? Or was I testing dying? Was I doing it to sleep? Or could I have slept on my own? Probably not. It was probably best I took them. They help with anxiety and help with sleep and it was a perfectly fine dose, although a little high for a first time use and I felt dizzy but good as my body relaxed and I sunk into a slumber. I made sure I told my best friend I loved her in case but I knew I'd wake up. It wasn't a suicide attempt. Twice that amount probably wouldn't have killed me. It wasn't the intent. I promise it wasn't the intent. I really just wanted to sleep. Okay? No I didn't want to just sleep. But I certainly didn't want to stay awake and allow myself to truly get what I thought I wanted. Do I want it? Well do I? Yes. Wait no. No. Yes. No. I don't want it (but I did)
Don't go freaking out on me. On the conscious level I just wanted to really get to sleep quickly. I won't do it again (I have no more of those pills). I was just exploring the possible subconscious level.
Rj Jan 2017
There are a hundred reasons telling me not to
But the one telling me I should is so *manipulative
I'm not gonna chill
  Jan 2017 Rj
mk
i've had a flu for the last week and a half i can't sleep at nights anymore because i can't breathe but i haven't taken any medicine because i want to fight it myself i want to fight this myself i am stronger than these pills and i will fight with my own body my own strength i will go down fighting i cannot rely on external substances i cannot rely on something or someone to save me i have to save myself i HAVE to save myself i have to save myself save myself save myself it's my mantra: I HAVE TO SAVE MYSELF and i'm thinking of the time my luggage was wrecked and my purple lamp was in there and that lamp was a memory because i remember you turned it on while you lay on top of me so that you could see me just a little better (i wanted it dark so that i didn't have to see myself) you wanted to see the curves on my body because you loved me and i can see you infront of me right now while i type this there in those black jeans with your broad shoulders and your mouth just a little softer than my own and just like that lamp my love was wrecked and it came back in more than two pieces the ocean just wasn't kind enough wasn't soft enough it didn't care enough to transport my love with the care it needed and tell me do you remember the time i screamed save me no wait get away from me save me love me get away from me and you touched me then moved back because you didn't know what i needed you didn't know how to save me but you knew how to love me. that was enough. it was enough. you were enough. enough. enough.
and just like the pills i refuse to take you were that drug i was too scared to need and that dependency broke me and that fear is breaking me and i love you enough for the both of us but like that purple lamp i'm just a little broken and i'm fighting to light up the room and see things just a little clearer and on my way back from school today i saw the electric boxes with warning signs and i opened the car door and walked to them and i tried pulling the 440 volt wires to touch them and fry myself; maybe i'd light up then but someone saw me and i ran and i ran to my house and my mom doesn't know that i'm suicidal but that's okay because i don't have the guts to **** myself anyway *(but i tried today).
new year, same me.
Rj Jan 2017
Operate on me
Cut me open
Find what's wrong
Cut it out of me
And if I die on the table

*Well that's okay too
Rj Jan 2017
I'm in limbo
Push me one way or another
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