It's a new year but it feels like another trap. It feels hopeless it feels worthless. 2017, I graduate in three months but it feeling pointless it feels meaningless. Before I drift to sleep I lay staring at the ceiling and I think of nothing and tears well up and my mind goes numb enough for me to allow myself to sleep instead of staying up because staying up could only mean one thing and sleeping is like death but only temporary. I pop five of my moms anti anxiety pills and even though the mg I took is a safe and normal dose and some people regularly take more than one pill and I'm just trying to make myself sleep before I get worse and it works. It works. But I can't help thinking about what I felt when I swallowed five big white pills. I felt rebellious I felt numb at the same time. I felt final. Something felt final. I felt peace as I closed my eyes and quickly prayed to God that He'd forgive me tonight because I took the pills for the wrong reason. Or did I? Wasn't I just staying alive? Or was I testing dying? Was I doing it to sleep? Or could I have slept on my own? Probably not. It was probably best I took them. They help with anxiety and help with sleep and it was a perfectly fine dose, although a little high for a first time use and I felt dizzy but good as my body relaxed and I sunk into a slumber. I made sure I told my best friend I loved her in case but I knew I'd wake up. It wasn't a suicide attempt. Twice that amount probably wouldn't have killed me. It wasn't the intent. I promise it wasn't the intent. I really just wanted to sleep. Okay? No I didn't want to just sleep. But I certainly didn't want to stay awake and allow myself to truly get what I thought I wanted. Do I want it? Well do I? Yes. Wait no. No. Yes. No. I don't want it (but I did)
Don't go freaking out on me. On the conscious level I just wanted to really get to sleep quickly. I won't do it again (I have no more of those pills). I was just exploring the possible subconscious level.