he says he loves me sooooooooooooo much.
he says he wants to kiss my shoulder freckles
and my nose
and my lips
and my cheeks
kiss, kiss, kiss he says.

he says he wants to squeeze me
wants me to sit on his lap
let him wrap me up while i play my silly video games and yell at the screen

moose says i am the best thing that happened to mooses
moose says he likes my brain
moose says he likes my hair
moose says he likes my **** and my eyes and the way i crinkle my nose

i do not deserve him
and that's why i won't let him
i am too scared how he will be
if i leave
i never know when i am leaving

i always try to say
if i loved you
i wouldn't leave
but sometimes i leave
even when i love you
i guess i don't know what i'm doing
but didn't i already know that?

yesterday
dad took the huge mess that was sitting in the entryway
and stuffed it into the nearby closet.
i didn't realize what he'd done
until i opened the door
and had it all come tumbling out at me.
i teased him today
was that his idea of cleaning up?
i laughed
you just moved the mess, is all!
he looked at me
said
i don't care
as long as i don't have to
look at it
it's better.
...and i thought...
somewhere
there is a closet inside of me
full of old
sneakers

the holidays are rolling around and i am determined to be ok
i will not write poetry about how much i miss my un-broken family
i will continue on as if nothing happened
if i do it long enough maybe i will believe it
maybe i won't have to burn my arms to jolt me back to reality
maybe things will be ok

good things come of it?
good things already have.
i'm just waiting for the good
to out weight the bad

i can't remember the last time i felt alright...
like things were working out.

because after mom it was ryan
and after ryan it was skyler,
and after skyler it was moose
and after moose
there was no God.

now my stomach cannot even bear me
it threatens to crawl up my throat
my insides contort and scream
i will not let the pain out.

bones, oh
bones.
how i wish you would hurt instead
like you did
when i was pure.
instead of an ache,
now i rot.

oh so now we're talking.
whiplash
anyone?
you're not strumming my heartstrings
you're cutting them
sheesh
i really wish you'd stop
being so sweet
you're really just
hurting me

...huh
maybe
you actually are sweet...
*******.
you're so
helpless
stop
hugging me
like you need me
don't you know
you can't do that to girls?
****
i don't even have the heart
to call you an *******
and tell you
to *******
you're breaking my heart
you little ****

...maybe i'm the one
doing the whip-
lashing
*******
skyler

i keep thinking how interesting the inside of my head would look agains my dorm room wall
the taste of cold metal in my mouth
i imagine it would be
quite a sight

i have always been frightened of people.
after mom left, it was angry white women that scared me
their dead eyes staring while their mouths worked furiously -
i couldn't even watch an actress scream on t.v. without my mother slipping in under her hairline.

i am still scared of angry white women.
but now i am scared of men, too.
anyone who believes themselves privileged
to be near me
to breathe my air and look at my body
and demand that i give them attention
they too frighten me.
and i no longer allow them near.

i will let you talk, because that is what you do.
i will allow you to look, because i cannot stop you.
i will allow you small pieces of myself
because i no longer feel anything
but i will never
ever
feel anything for you.

and if you get in too deep
if you like me too much
if you begin to love me
i will cut you off
and feel nothing.

because moose was right
i don't deserve him
no one deserves him
and the ugly, dripping animal that sleeps in his disarming chest
no one deserves to lose everything
for the mere excuse "i just can't control myself around you."

you can.
and you should have.
keep your poison out of my mouth,
and out of my veins.

i have lost feeling on the bottom of my right foot.
i stepped on a broken something
and its sharp edge cut my nerves.
it is one of many.

my dad bought me
a subwoofer
and speakers
for my laptop
as a birthday gift...
my brain
is being smashed
against the side of my skull
repeatedly
with the waves
of bass
that are coming off this thing
sorry, neighborhood.
:D!!!!!!

tragedy has made me silent.

he crept down my throat
and softly snipped away at my voice;
now there is nothing.

i smile and nod
smile and nod
smile and smile
and nod and nod
falling asleep in plain sight
watching your lips move in speech
wishing mine would follow suit

tragedy has made me silent,

made me timid
made me grow in stature until i am awkward
gangly
always in the way
hiding behind
a shorter sister
but still a sore thumb

a quiet
quaking
obvious protrusion
i invoke conversation
but it dies out
with the smile in my eyes
the bobbing of my head
the silence of my lips

tragedy has made me silent.

i wake up with the cloying taste of a nightmare in my mouth
not for the first time this week
and i imagine not for the last

i made you a chart
concerning all the ways we ****** up
and sent it to you last night
haven't heard a word
since

i had the implicit feeling that what i was saying was dangerous.
that it could take this little thing we have going on
and expose all the little tangled wires
sparking
and smoking...
that i could make you feel bad enough
that you wouldn't want to talk to me

and i was right.

time to close the knife
let it take your life
another night
you have to do
what is right
for everyone else
you'll be
fine

my burn has finally started healing
next time i'll not hold it on for so long
it still frightens me
it looks inhumane
(am i inhumane?)

i'm getting tired of glancing my arm away
when people look at me
and sweaters are tiring too

it took you
a grand total of four days
to sew up your patchwork heart
pack your tatty suitcase,
ricochet off her like a purposed misfire
and attempt to lodge yourself into me.
four days seems about right...
took you four days to go from ME to HER
in the first place
good thing i took that target
off my chest
you'll be missing
this time.

swallowing
my first straight shot
of jack
letting the bitter taste
converge with the bitter
inside of me
but all it does
is make me cry...
god,
what a pathetic
drunk you are,
red

fat became
chubby
became
gorgeous
became
just me
became
ok
to be
when you
are with me

lists of
everything
inked on paper
remind you to do
all the things
you shouldn't have to
if i didn't have
kind of the *******
family situation
ever
there would be SO many things
i wouldn't have to think about
like getting kicked out of this house
we don't own
mom killing me
again
so much for
mother hens
dad going to jail
for not paying child support
like, what the **** are we supposed to do
WE CAN'T PAY
why am i so responsible
for all of this...
rhyme schemes can go to hell

help.

i just remembered the day
you let me borrow
your R.E.M. cd
rip it onto
my ancient desktop
i think it was
thanksgiving
or something
the cd was
cold
and moisture
beaded on it
from the warmth
of our old yellow house
(love)
and i sat up there
for so long
in the office
that smelt like
burnt vacuum
thinking how much
that one boy i liked
who liked
R.E.M.
would like
the fact
that i had their cd
on my computer
i didn't really stop
and imagine
you listening to it
in your car
nightswimming
blaring
sweetly
i think i still have that
cd
somewhere...
i wish i had kept it
safe
somewhere...
if i had known
that some july
you'd be gone
forever
if i had known
that the day
you stopped us
in our car
on your
red motorcycle
and hugged me
told me
that you loved me
was the
last time
forever
i would have
lingered.

i would like to line you all up
shake your hand
one by one
inform you that i don't need you
and then employ a large wrecking ball
to knock you over
one by one
so i don't have to look at your faces
any more
i get very angry
and then i cry
and cut my body open
it's your fault
i would like something to be my fault for once.

wow
ok
well
i guess
i'm not going to stick up for you anymore
you really gonna let some
*******
lightning-pole
stuck up their rear
*******
put me on blast
like that?
and not say anything?
all i've ever done
is take care of you
beat off the ****-heads
that tried to make fun of you
told you
how much i adored you
and you really just sat there
and let me deal with that
by myself?

i guess i
know better now.
have fun
beating off all those guys
i held at bay...
i can't believe i defended you....through everything
and this is how i'm
repaid.

it will be funny
in a sick kind of way
when you finally get the *****
to tell me that you love me
you'll discover
that you waited too long
that i'm not around
to hear it
those three words
will echo around your apartment
full of scary movies
and guns
the only thing
that will have ever held me
in that room
will be your couch
your sorry-*** couch
that loved me better than you did.
that's what you get
for being a coward.

i really should stop
letting you push me around
but you do it
so sweetly
i don't even feel
the pain.

i look at you like a broken kaleidoscope that i had as a child.
though it was broken
i convinced mom to let me keep it
because kaleidoscopes are ok to keep when they break
they're confusing and ****** up to begin with
the picture never made sense anyway
so spiderweb-y cracks aren't noticed
it still looks pretty
when you look through it
kaleidoscopes are really good at looking pretty
i could look for a long time
and not get bored
even when it was broken
it still looked
pretty

you are my broken kalediscope

i don't know what to do
he wants me
i want him
too
but
is it right
or
good
for both of us
this kinda love
isn't just something
to play with
*******
is serious
and no one takes it that way
anymore
i don't need one more thing
to be attached to
ughhh

i long for you now like i once longed for the man who ***** me for a year and a half.
i know this feeling.
even if it's a little different.
you disgust me for other reasons.

but for the comfort of your familiar chest,
arms,
lips,
bed
for the security of your car, your smell, your stupid laugh
for all the familiarity and odd feelings that we kindled in my summer-time driveway in the middle of the night...
i would beg.

my cat makes me happy
he's a ******* ******
i think that's why i like him

people don't make me happy
they're ******* weirdos too
but not the good kind

people make my brain hurt
they all want a piece of me
to make them smile

but i am not a glass figurine
or bubblegum
i'm not even collectable

people want to talk to me
too much
i guess i'm a good listener

or maybe not.
i have a lot of things that i want to say
but don't

i guess
that's why i write poems
to tell you the things that i would say

if you would let me speak
or even
breathe

maybe that's why
i write so many
"*******" poems

i wish
i could
talk

so uhm
this is awkward
....
i spent four months
writing poetry
about some ***
i've been sort of in love with
(hell, i dunno)
and then suddenly
that guy
who i proposed to
in a mall
with a
fuzzy
cat
collar
is looking pretty good
he wanted to hold my hand
tonight
well,
skye,
you snooze
you lose

heartsick.

heartsick because i want those brown eyes
only ever to look at me
that huge smile
only ever to be mine
i want your lips and your arms and your chest
with me
around me
laughing and holding and exclaiming.

you make me
heartsick
in the most thrilling
gut-wrenching
tension-inducing manner

those other boys?
lust.

you?

heaven.

pick me up
play with me
accidentally
drop me
mommy
throws me
away.
i lie in a plastic can for
two days
get wrapped up
put outside
in the fresh morning air
for
two hours
picked up
dumped
into a big truck
with other people
just
like
me
we take a roadtrip
try to see
what there is
to see
but the view
is pretty ******
we all have a convention
in a big, loud building
we talk about
what we did wrong
and what really wasn't
our fault
some don't even
talk
because they are
too broken...
...we are suddenly
put back together
(in a sense)
back into
working order
crushed into
orderly cubes
so not one of us
hangs loose
they
file us away
where we stay
and stay
and
stay
rejects
of a society
that broke us

if you can smile without remembering something wrong that happened to you
i want to be with you
forever
take me where you learned how
show me the diagrams
the maps
the blueprints
the poems that got you
where you are today
if you can smile without remembering something wrong that happened to you
hold me.
you are
the only one
i want
if you can ask god to forgive you and be fine
take me
with you
i want to be
where you are

so apparently
if i am ever awake after eight o'clock
in the evening
i must devote all my time to you
and if i perchance tell you i'm going to sleep
but post something on facebook
afterwards
(******* FACEBOOK)
you get all pissy
and accuse me of still being awake.
so does that mean
you want to talk to me
or just that you're a
selfish
*******

i'm confused

i'm starting to get the feeling
that i'm being jipped
duped
what do they say?
wool over the eyes
an' ****
i wore that little black dress
with the frazzled flowers
and the scooped neck
that you like
(i guess i didn't know you liked it...)
funny that the neck is called scooped
you wanted to scoop
me out of
that dress
tonight

i always get this feeling
when i trip
and fall in love
as i stand up,
scrape myself off
i am
suddenly suspicious...
what the hell did i trip over
anyway
you gotta trip
to fall
i get the feeling
that i tripped over a mountain
and fell in a puddle
what the **** was the whole mountain **** about
i'm really not too keen on this puddle