Sixty dollars spent just for this
The fuel to let go of those whispering
Nagging thoughts
Flickering behind my eyes all night.
I spend that money,
Whether I can afford it or not,
And prepare for the fight I know I'll cause;
Because a drunk girl
Always finds something to talk about.
By morning we've made amends
Patched the holes
Fixed up our souls
And you help me count pennies
In hopes of sixty dollars more

What is a home:
filled with friendly faces and lighthearted conversations
a place to rest your head at the end of a long day
where you warm your toes, shed your woes
oh how I wish I had one of those

S-o-u-l-m-a-t-e
when asked to define
I pull out a picture of you
and declare "well he's mine"

I open my eyes and there you are
I close my eyes and there he is
I open again and you look scared
I close them tight and he smiles back

His soft remarks, my soft reply
Your tender hands, my loving sigh
His questioning stares as to why I never smile
Your lack of interest in someone else's problems

His love for her
Your love for me
My heart has split in two

No one makes me feel so small except for you
The little ticking time bomb ready to burst
Medication just makes it worse
he's upstairs with his friends
and you're about to burst
about to burst

One day you'll wake up
With a text goodbye
And I'll be in the tub
Bleeding out
Wrists jarred open
With a can opener
Because really at this point
Who am I to disappoint

I'll paint it on, that lying grin, and fake a smile
I'm ok, I'm ok
Pretending, I'm laughing, not crying out for help tonight
I'm dying, I'm dying
This is the last time tonight.

And never shall it beat again
Yet there it is
That tune again
And here I am
And here you stand
I've fallen
I couldn't have

I know you don't so I'll go back
And hurt myself with him
But I'll pretend just for a while
Until it stops beating again

And when I'm done
I'll cease to be
His little doll
To **** around

And tomorrow
I swear
I'll tell you

Have I driven you to the edge?
Have I plucked each plume from your back
And told you, you'll manage?
Have I dug our grave months in advance
Each night i refused to pray?
Have I ruined us?
Did I break us?
Is the sun finally out for good.

I was so numb before I met you
Feeling what I was told to feel and nothing more
Then I saw you and my nerves caught fire
Shivers racing down my spine
My heart skipping beat after beat
Engulfing my body in this summer warmth
Wrapping me up in this glossy haze
I replayed those moments where I caught your gaze
I saw your pupils grow and your hairs raise
Then you reached for my hand and that's when I knew
You felt it too

So is this the end
No applause
No bows
Just a close of the curtain

A quick glimpse of the past
A visit from a friend
Flash of light
Then it's dark yet again

When you told me to believe I trusted
But this end, it isn't right
Just a white light

True love will never die
I believed
Death must be wrong
Or maybe love lied

Our paths won't intertwine
They were just two parallels
Never meant to cross
And not meant for each other

Yet this pain instilled
Deep within me
Makes me question
was fate wrong?

When you told me to believe I trusted
But this end, it isn't right
Just a white light

White
Drip
pink
Drip
Red
Splash
crimson
The only colour bath that cleans me of my sins

Why is it that nothing i do proves anything anymore
You keep rereading past chapters
And ignore my rise from the fall
I want nothing more than for you to see how far I've come
But change was never an option
For me at all
So why do i bother striving for better
To prove you wrong?
To make you proud?
One day if you ever shut your mouth and open your eyes to see all that i can be
You'll be proud of me and i can rest
Making amends with my 10th grade regrets

I love the toothless grin you give

when I slide on top

or the way your lips keep reaching out

even after I've broken from their grasp

and that noise you can no longer hold back

when my tongue meets your neck

and trails down to the prize

Numb
Light a match and youre free
From hands once woven
tightly round your neck.
You can escape for a while
Laugh and smile
Like nothings wrong
Let go of all thats going on;
I try to escape too
But when I light a match
the hands squeeze tighter
Instead of coming loose.

I sat on my bed
staring at the floor
Face blank, mind racing, searching
Till I got this urge,
This shiver down my spine
this clawing at my insides
these whispers in my head
So I went to my window
Tore off the screen
Sticking my head out in the summer breeze
Stared at the trees and the birds and the leaves
And tried to imagine what flying would be like
What crashing would feel like
What my head would look like
After I jump face first out my window
Into the rock garden down below.
I sat there, on my window sill
One foot dangling over the edge,
the other touching my carpeted floor
Trying to decide whether or not tomorrow was worth living for.

At first glance
A night alone seems promising
A chance to sprawl out
Into your side and mine
Or watch tv shows you just don't like
No need to be cautious of suspecting mothers
Or respectful to sleeping partners

The difference between
Thoughts and reality
Come clearer as midnight approaches
And I curl up onto my side
Arm outstretched, waiting
For you to curl up next to me
So I can drift off
To the lullaby your body makes
As it sinks into a deep slumber

Then I realize no ones there
To make sure my feet are tucked in
Or give me a good night kiss
And wish me sweet dreams

No night is pleasant
When you aren't spending it
Next to me

I don't believe in heaven
Most days
But when November comes around
I feel dread
For I've let him down
Oh the damage I have caused
For me to
Think I'd
Be the glue
For my family
That was him;
Mother at bay
Son on close gaurd
and his daughter
in his arms..
Big shoes I chose to fill
I swore I'd do it for him
Frankly,
I've forgotten;
No longer strong, I've fallen.
No longer able to walk the tight wire
I've fallen
And every November
I remember
I've failed

I like to pretend the world is mine and everyones in the palm of my hand
Or just in my pocket waiting to be let out.
But the earth revolves around the sun,
Not the moon, not my dreams or hopes or my own self,
No
The world revolves around the sun,
Not caring about anyone on its ****** surface,
Not caring about a single ****** soul.

Music drowning out the int rusivethoughts
He brings me my medicine with an open hand
To take it or n ot; to feel better or not
Shove it down my throat with a smile
*** I'll feel better in a while,
I'll be better
Maybe later
**

please, try me
I have nothing left to lose and nothing left to prove
***** I've been bending over backwards all for you
*******
I'm through
I don't ever want to see another inch of you
or hear another word from you

you see this? these ******* scars?
I've got close to a thousand thanks to you
yes you
take the ******* blame for once
you told me while I was lying on the tracks
"I'd be better off"
so I took those pills to numb my thoughts
and grant your ******* wish for me
to be dead and buried deep beneath
then you can't even take responsibility
for what you ******* said to me
you coward
you were too busy ******* meghan e to be bothered
so *******
I'm through
I don't ever want to see another inch of you
or hear another word from you

I leave my heart out in the open
letting anyone toss it around
lending it out to anyone who wants it
and well, I never learn.
Time after time they bring it back damaged
bruised and cut and beyond repair
each time I say 'never again'
take in my heart, nurse it back to health
mending the veins and letting the bruises fade
After some time though, I think 'one more time'
and put my heart back on display
only to have it broken again.

Sleep
Before the sun comes up to get you
Or your inner demons are released
And wreak havoc to those around
Sleep
Before those demons start to control you
While each day and night twist into one
Driving you closer the the edge
Sleep
Before the moon replaces your lover
And the sun is the only one able
To reveal your pain to others
Sleep
Before your last wish is to be able
And finally with the barrel to your teeth
You've been granted eternal slumber

He makes me thankful
for my sins
my **** ups that led me
straight to him
the months I bled
all suddenly seemed
so much more
in the end

The desire for his attention, it leaves me hungry
Am I perfect?
Do you love me now?
If I tilt my head this way, prop my leg this way, slur my words just a bit
Will it make me perfect for you?
Everything you wanted, I can fake it, just for you
But that’s my demise, isn’t it
You can only fake for so long till he breaks your wall and see’s your true ******* colours
Just don’t love me, it’s not worth it anymore

Tonight
I pretend that you're by my side
Instead of hers

Forever
In your arms and in my heart
Forever yours

Maybe when this all works out
We can be more than what we are
I can be yours like you're already mine

I presume I shall never let go
Of what we could be, what we should be
Yours, mine, ours, hers, or me

Red leaves swirl in the misty haze of the night
Footsteps in the distance steadily grow softer
I lunge towards the tree, fists free
I'm dragged back, dripping

The cars go around in each direction
The lights are dancing , which way is up
The stars are blending with the leaves and the trees
and I lay back as I'm dragged dripping

The mist and tree's and leaves and stars
Smashed together and made to come as one
And the cars continue their daily route
As I'm thrown beneath the leaves or the stars and I stay there, seeping

Finally the sun, the way up, the way out
But my mouth is sewn shut and my limbs are made of ice
And then it is sunset, night and sunrise
Repeating before my frozen eyes

Forgive me

Here I am
Trying hard to see the bottom of this hole
but the light was turned off many years ago
And I fear that maybe I will die alone

Here I am
Frantically praying to a god that isn’t there
hoping someone will turn and say ‘I care’
but no one will, they just laugh and stare

Here I am
Desperately seeking an escape from this
but down I fall into the dark abyss
It’s sad to know I won’t be missed

Here I am
Bullet through my heart and out my back
Noose is wrapped tightly round my neck
Pills are downed until I feel a bit sick

I'm no longer here
do you have any regrets?

To you I'm mans folly yet
You're my melancholy ;
Who wins at what's worse

Drugstore trips for constant drips
we pull up to your parents driveway
and hesitate to leave;
Idle cars for idle minds
on where I'll be sleeping in a year.

My mind is maddening
stuck in daydreams so vivid
I'm in a room full of people but I'm
headed for the kitchen
grabbing a knife and rope
to sink my boat

While kids stare on no one the wiser
that this girls no longer afloat
legal meds lock me in this box

basically to be frank I feel like I’m in a constant state of limbo

not happy nor sad somewhere bouncing in the in between

fooling myself with other prospects who drop a hint or two

laughing at the state of things, myself and you

At this point its hard not to deny we were better off back then on both sides.

I smile at the thought of that.

I smile.

I am calm
the butterflies subsided
my palms dry
heart stabilized
steadily beating as I finish the bottles
left empty on the bedside.
I slip into the dress
put on my face
curl my hair
and stare in the mirror
imagining how I'd look
in a few hours time;
the flush of red in my cheeks long gone
skin grown cold
empty eyes.
I lie down
note at my feet
and wait for the numbness
to take me away
so I can find peace

Widen those chubby thighs and let him get a little
too close for comfort

Expose those torn up sides once you flick off the lights so you can
avoid direct eye contact.

You're so convincing when he tries to get emotionally close and you
take those fake mental notes

A girl is only as strong as her crutch

Happy drunk stumbles on downtown streets
back to your place.
Eat me whole, leave me bare;
Is what I expected at least.
Your eyes looked at me and gleamed,
big arms pulling me in,
and slowly Gambino's jazz tunes turn to
soft snores of defeat.

They keep asking me would you take him back
would you take him back if he did change his mind
Reluctantly I respond yes
reluctantly I know I'd forgive him in a millisecond
if given the chance
which I know will never come because of my
drinking habits
and reluctance to be alone for more than a couple nights;
I still can't eat
I still can't sleep
will this ever change or will I forever regret
letting him slip away

Running barefoot through the front lawn
of a vacationing parent's home.
Thousands of stars staring us down
while we took our self prescribe medication,
numbing ourselves while we sank back
into tonight's lovers arms.
Reaching a peak of ecstasy,
heads in their laps pouring our hearts out,
while we sip back home made wine
and expensive foreign beer under dim lights.
It's here our bodies meet and melt
into the plaid cushioned bedroom we fashioned.

My insides have been taken out
no need for Jack's strong heart
or Jill's wandering mind
I've carved it out with a dollar bill
rolled up tight

Is it fair to say
I've found the one
I hope to lie next to
In summer heat
near the crashing waves
as the fading sun
bursts at its seams
to kiss as people sleep
and run down baren streets;
Not caring what people think
as we scream in woods
once the stars are at their peak;
I've found the one
to make memories with;

He’s got a hold on me
Teeth gnawing on my organs
Gouged from the seams
Dripping down the street
Sheets drenched red
And all that shows
Is a blue and purple blended bruise

You've knocked me down and out
Shot your gun and pierced my soul
Forced me to my knees to pray and plead
That I'm not the only one that feels this way
Like I'm drowning inside but I'm fine on the out
Dreaming about a day I'll never wake up
Making deals with the devil so I'll get what I want
I've lost myself, I've lost my mind, I've lost my soul;

My hearts strung up and paraded around your place
I'm bent to your will
I'm bent to your need
Crying for you while you cut the strings

They warned me, but I’m curious
It’s my tragic flaw
My need to know whats in the minds of those around me
You, you won’t let me in, that’s a first
You say half truths to get by my desire for your knowledge
but I know there’s more behind your wall
I'll get through to you eventually, I promise you I will
I’ll open your heart and mind, search through the memories
take out the bad, and leave you with happier thoughts to get you by
I promise you before I die.

I fell in love with half of you
The half i knew
The one you showed to select few
(Typically the girls you wanted to swoon)
And i loved you
So full of yourself, untouchable
Desirable
The ****** begging to be tainted
Begging for me to be the one to take it
(So i did)
And i loved you.
But the second half you hid well
And only now do i find
I wasn't the only girl
Who had come to your mind
(I wonder if they still do from time to time)
I still love you
Even if your second half's a ****

Sprawled across my bathroom floor
you look to me with disdain cross your eyes
"are you truly real?"
the question has grown more frequent
with each night spent together.
I take your hand from under mine
and place limp fingers
across the pulsating breadth of my neck
"does this feel real to you?"
You smile and turn
entranced by the candles dance
and as you watch, I place *******
where your hand just left
for even I have my doubts sometimes.

Blitzed out of reality when the ball dropped
and he was there
good intentions turned sour as each day passed
but it was good for her
for what I thought was good, it was
when good finally came around though
that is when the fog cleared
Everything before September was a cloudy haze
and will stay that way
A year I partially forgot for good reasons.

Was it really that bad in the end
Two days down and he's already found the one
you always knew he would
god you always knew he would
you bring them all down
you let yourself drown
pick yourself back up
before you try again.

I never sleep

it really *****

so I stay up all night

staring at a screen

wishing someone else who never sleeps

could come join me

and hold me tight

till we both fall asleep

or just till the sun rises