I know how old love turns to torture
how your burnt lungs fill with water
how rib cage restricts heartbeat
how mean you move away

I push through old scars and burning houses
Try and make something from ruble, ashes
soot-stained skin and smeared mascara
ocean pouring from my eyes
and endless void makes me cry

you run from me
I am drowning
I try to hold on to you
I
Can't
Breathe
why
don't
you
just
leave.
If you sit here so empty anyway
just dying to be somewhere else
each moment killing me
all I want is for you
to love me as you use too.

Its been thirteen years since bombs and plains
crafted those walls full of names
names of people that were loved
that fell in towers
smoke filled air and fire fighters
its been thirteen years since bombs and plains
reminded america we are all the same
whispered words of fear
Into every American ear
tears and ash
floating past
our unity in suffrage
its been thirteen years since bombs and plains
since nine eleven really meant something
so here is a I love you
to every person that you knew
who has been condensed
to a name on the list
an i love you to every human
who has ever stood
missing another or digging in ruble
looking for a friend
Here is an I love you
to every one who is missing
The carved out letters in a loved ones name
In suffrage we are all the same
just human

Afraid of Fire and Frigid Bite.

sanity colliding with urging action
at first alone and forgotten
stricken with a fierce confusion
tired of the fight against allusion

I only hoped to let you know,
how I felt so alone..
but you held out a safety rope
drowning, gag and choke
I grabbed it and began to float
confused and afraid of hurt
I hold on but still afraid to lurk
lurk closer to knowing you
the pain can sting and so can you


but a beauties their, deep and clear
its glowing light draws me near
afraid of fire.. but not of warmth
I fight the frost on the earth
a fire blisters or a frigid bite
the day to far from fear of night
so I walk a razor edge
I tiptoe a dotted line
with only you on my mind

Waiting to hear what you say
Not knowing why you like me
Why you touch me this way
Unclear what you think
Mascaraing your thoughts
Disguising   you words
I know I could hear you
If you care to be heard
Obvious difference
Clearly so
But I want to open the parts
I don’t really know
The parts you don’t show
Will I be granted a key?
Or just never know?

You see life with eyes wide
And fear seems to find
A way around you
Because it never stops itself
In your path
And you laugh, like life isn’t so serious
Looking for positives
Looking at the people
And the wheel in your head spins
Because you want to fix
The evil that exists
You want to hold the hands
Of all the tired people
Lost, sad and dead
But you hold up your head
And I feel
Like
You
Will
Change
The world
Just by being yourself
You should be proud
That you are not anyone else
You are remarkable
Absolutely breathtaking
kind
my heart wishes to hold you
wishes you could find
something inside of me
that rings right with you
but either way
glad to say
I have known you

Something is bitter sweet
That you will never read
What I write
Words that explore
Inside your eyes
Between the lines
What surface hides
How sweet you are
Tender, kind
Awaiting the moment
To see something
Less… but all I find is honest
Is more, is blessed
The only flaw I see
Is how clear I can be
Because you see right through me
But you didn’t
So even that
Has fell flat
Brighter and burning through
I just wish to touch you
But my dreams are calling me
And you have no desire for me
So tell tomorrow tell you call on me
Either way, tomorrows brave
Tomorrows bright
Tip toe reaching for the sky
Tell I take flight
wave and smile
say goodbye
tear fogged vision
streaky cheeks
sun light mission
passion peeks
new journey to wherever it leads
heart will stay heavy
until i hear you speak
silence is the only grey
In my rainbow life I chase today.

When you kiss me do you feel it
Is your hear mine, should I steel it
Do you feel the same
Supple kiss ever drain
Does your hear beat, beat the same
Will forever be okay
Can you promise me you will stay...
Can I even say the same
Can you leave me hear this way
Expecting me to complie
To say that cuttings not a lie?
One that breaths the words...
That you can love with hurt

You would never break my skin
Razors edge biting in
You would never set me free
Do you have the courage to cut me?
Hurt is feeling, so it's life
But what's the point of living if it is only strife
what's a hand to hold, if there is no reason
Sadness comes and goes like season
But bitter twisted truth
Rips my soul and feelings from heir roots
Your peeciouse blood can spill
Your sacred hands can hold
Bitting metal, mean and cold
Legs stained in red
you can cry in silence
Scream in dread
But not alone
Not again

If you choose me, then hold up our head
I can only do so much and promise little
But to love, you have to love your self
And if it isn't a crime to you, it is to somebosy else
Each evil thought that clouds your head
Every cut, or scar that remains unsaid
For every lie that's sliped your toung
My self is trampled, come undone
If you become my reason, my chosen path in life
You have to love your self, and have to love our life.

Art feels like the difference between living and surviving. Maybe that's why my hands are always making. Each pencil pressed against my skin a silent scream for something great. A dream I dared to animate, breathe life into. They say to heal trauma is not to become ready to cope with the pain but instead the ability to bear joy again. The life I dream with you feels rebellious. It feels far-fetched and delightful. It lights small flames of hope inside me. I am either a fool or living on the edge of what I am capable of. I have breathed life into a co-created dream. Tenderly nested and spoke of my love for them. Kissed them until my lipstick wore off. Was drunk in their laughter. I know what it feels like to simply survive. It's a place much easier to rest in than to return to.

Fingertips buoyant and dancing
skim across shimmered skin
my breast turn to moving sea
you stand on my beach
youthfully observing
tossing rocks into a stilness
making waves into ripples
my body is full, beautiful, endless
you want to dip into me
want to know me
want to swim.
Someday you will realize
there is no way for you to hold all of me
not at once.
That I am not the body you want.
You will forget me
Turn other bodies into water
No not water but
Bouncing ripples of flesh,
Into waves
Dancing your fingers across their skin with thirst
Forgetting all the ways you have been quenched
Forgetting my body of water for a sea of skin
All that love and i'll turn to rain
I will remain the most beautiful, and endless body
But water wasn't what you were looking for
so sorry you cant hold all of me at once
too expansive to only be a body
to much meaning to just be the sea
yet still to little to go around
still just one

You peal back his past and and pull it through
sewing his history and his going to be up in a moment
torment and torture, you delight in his pain and his fighting
delighting in the life you are tainting, destroying
watching him straining,he is trying to forget what remaining
and I am stuck painting
sketching
reworking
searching
He wants to forget you,He wants to forget your mean, your mad, the things you stole and the things you have.
He wants to forget your mean and your mad... and all the things you once had.
He wants to forget you.
erase your face from the storybook life we have now
you refuse to let absence in, showing up in the dark
throwing bricks
steeling things from his yard
he is too nice, he is too hurt
I love him more and more and I feel this burn
burn your house
burn your yard
steel your cat
and fuel this urge
burn your mean
burn your fire
burn that look
that old desire
burn that smile that's backed with hate
fight that feeling that turns me irate
sit back down
I refuse
to do anything
that makes me feel like you
Hating what hurts what I love most
Burning hot
cheers lets toast
toast to being more
the high road is hard, I am feeling chard
I remember what matters most
I have him in my heart, he has me and his
when he says my name he does not cringe
He loves me.

soul searching
Lost inside what I cant find
The words to say exactly what I need to
They flee from me. Far from you.
You were someone who always said you loved me
And I knew it was true, even with the bitter beer
Even when you couldn't hear
Reality ringing in your ear
I always knew you loved me
Funny how I remember you
Like two people, fit snug
In one
You said horrid ****** things
Followed with the a laughter
Always following so much faster
Humor was your shield
It would rain but their was a sun inside you
You hide it, fought it
Drown it with hams
But it surfaced and id see
All the thing I loved in you
Truth is, i'm sad
Sad to see that life is leaving you
That you let it take
What even alcohol couldn’t break
Your spirit
Your love
Will to live
Chills me,spins disorients
Because you are the biggest presence, personality
The loudest voice, largest part
Of the start of my life
….
…
…
You were a lot of things
and you are just giving up.
Cancer is taking you away
And I hate it. I almost hate you
Ironic because you are finally sober
Just a reminder you don’t always want what you think you do
because whats taking you
was never what I thought it would be
and u have just got to know me
I love you

Art feels like the difference of living and surviving. Maybe that's why my hands are always making. Each pencil pressed against my skin a silent scream for something great. A dream I dare to animate, breath life into. They say to heal trauma is not to become ready  to cope with the pain but instead the ability to bear joy again. The life I dream with you feels rebellious. Feels far fetched and delightful. It lights small flames of hope inside me. I am either a fool or living on the edge of what I am capable of. I have breathed life into a co-created dreaming. Tenderly nested and spoke of my love for them. Kissed them until my lipstick wore off. Was drunk in their laughter. I know what it feels like to simply survive. It's a place much easier to rest in then to return to.

Can’t fight my freedom
Freedom is inside of me
And you run after trying to find in me
Something you have decided resides in me
Flies inside a lie
A truth you think you can make
But I am not everything
Stop sculpting what I say
To make me what you may
Want to be with
I don’t want a kiss
I don’t need a hug
Just a friend and that’s enough

Chains and shackles

Chains and shackles weigh me down
Ties to strong to break, helpless struggle
Unheard screams, guards surround me
Your around me, and you run blindly
So I sit quietly, with silent thought
Not knowing can be easer, so I remain unheard
I falter under pressure so squeamishly
Why slow you down?
You would try to carry me

Chains and shackles hold me down
My echoed heart beat is the only sound
A thudding heart could be heard
Tare it out from my very breast
It stop the twisted breath in my empty chest
A tortured heart freed from the rest
My body now a cesspool
A wasteland of festered stress
I will **** my hopes and dreams if it means
Honesty, equality, fairness to my loved

Chains and shackles ground me down
I could fly when your around
But I will squash anything
I wont dare let my bleeding heart sing
So let the guards hold me down
I challenge the people to there bliss
Tragic is no way for loves first kiss

you seem more sure of what you think of me
then of who you are and want to be
long lonely days makes you feel
the warmth of my breath
feel real, realizing you have been hiding
from the pleasures of life
inside and out
you scream and shout
i don't want to be alone
clinging to me
like static to a balloon
hugging at every surface passing
promising me this is lasting
but it is to soon to say
if its started, or if its a haze
slow down my dear friend
we have a long way tell the end
and  no way to know
where we will go
and happy always changes
chin up butter cup
snoopy has a friend.

Cryptic like the dark world’s all  
You’re ever going to know
Septic thoughts they
flow
she said she’d  never
send it,
never lend it
never let it
Go ,
Enigmatic static cling to a letter never sent
Slender fingers run along letters formed
But will fly away
To better days
She said shed never
Send it
Never lend it
Never let it
go

I'm just saying after a three week long period I still feel beautiful, just tired.
That even if I am alone thinking of you is what gets me off
that even when I am sad I feel like the luckiest person alive
I nearly have stopped wearing lipstick, not because I don't want to show off my smile, because I don't feel like I have to prove that its beautiful anymore.
I smile at strangers and they smile back, they must know I am thinking of you
I am always thinking of you.
I feel like sunshine must feel
so warm and so bright
I love you.

I think I love you
I have been told
I write confessional poems
That I can not argue
I would never say
What I have today
If you were beside me
Poems, they just free me
Words escape, with meaning
Meaning, I think
I love you
Even when you do not
Though it hurts a little
Well a lot
But you are so strong willed
So brave at heart, it gives me chills
Fearless in your way
That you seek happiness and play
And I could see me
Finding beauty inside you
For as long as words can be used
Forever tell my face turns blue
And winded air, fills the space
Between me fingers
And the buttons spaced
On my keyboard.
Confession.
<3

You fail to realize that my misty eyes come from pity
That I reflect on your life and see why
You act out
Shout, scream
Lash out at me
See me as an intellectual
Leaves you feeling vulnerable
I see right through the way
You say my name
And get so frustrated
But you made me cry today
This game you play is shaded
You are so afraid of hurt
That you just let words burst
Like bullets they pierce in
And are lost inside the tissue
Of my heart
You
Make
Me
Cry.
But today was different and it marked
The beginning
Of change.

I can’t believe I’m here
You don’t see me
Not like I see you
Warmth and pout lips

You see skinny, cleaver me
You see friendly
Let’s be friends

I see you ******* in my head
Stupid me.
Lets pretend
You see me inside my beauty
And realize I’m here
Climb inside
Were we collide
In crazy Teias head

I feel as if 'im being held up above those I love
inside a glass ball
encapsulated but able to see it all
rolling along palms of hands I love to hold
inside I let creativity unfold
As I paint and spend my time up hear
the glass is not longer clear
creativity hiding me
in the strangest way
as paint stroks block the view
of older different days
as creativity hides me
my friends can hardly find me
so i paint a mural of them smiling
i still feel them holding me up here.

You are just a girl
Using text to rule the world
Acidic hurt, that you hurl
At all the other girls
Times have changed
Facebook aids
Using means to be mean
Knifes and swords’
Not enough
It’s a show, you seeming tuff
Hiding behind typed words
It’s just a bluff
Would you be so cruel?
If she were in your space
If you were next to her,
Face to face
Chang of pace
Say what you mean
Mean what you say
This is a game, I will not play
Don’t spread around your hurt
With a word, you change the world
Change it for the good.
You understand mis misunderstood.

I sit here trying over and over again
To make my pin bleed, to hear the words sing
But nothing, my thoughts just tumble over themselves
Like laundry that will never quite be clean
Sunday night I will come back to what I left
My old life, old friends
Different now than I was then
I don’t want a disconnect for who I am and where I have been
I found brilliance and light inside myself
I hope you see it, but I doubt it
I look the same, it’s a deep place I found it.
I wonder what eyes will see
What a brilliant glow might bring.

I can't even write
I feel so alone
Just sad
And my fingers fail
To hit the key in a way
That sings
And sets me free
But I try try try
Because my life just doesn’t feel right
I can’t even write
All alone tonight
Wishing I had
A dimpled sweet smile
But nothing is here
Just me and my fears
Nothings coming out nice
Fight, stumble choke
Fingers glide, find and poke
Click click click
Don’t bother to read what I wrote

I am a thousand million words
Letters sung and silence
A hundred kinds of laughter
Breaking up the quiet
A trillion upset feeling
Grouping, giant riot
A kiss, a dare to try it
I refuse to hear a tone
Even as golden rich as yours
Say I am not worth it
When mine you haven’t heard
You haven't tried it
You haven’t pressed your fingers
Along old withered words
Pages un-flipped, not turned
Haven’t inhaled the smell
Of  pretty printed page
Haven looked past the cover
To see what i have to say
Do not tell me i'm not worth it
You haven't read the words yet
I'm the best thing you don't know yet

The torn parts are now puckered and scared
Time healed in a sort, not in the same
Limping across memories, lame
Hurting is a curtain
Hiding my strength
I think
Ill wake
I think
Pain, resolve leaving me
Just like he did
Just like I did
Torn parts are now puckered and scared
Tracing the pain in my past, only bits of it last
Walking through time
It crosses my mind, I’m strength
I am strong
Pain only barley holds me
I think
I’m awake
I think

Empty space

I dream up ways to fill that empty
When I dream at night you are next to me
Pressing, encapsulating, enthralling,
Calming, alarming
Make my heart race faster
Then fingers chase after
The outline of my face
Pacing your heartbeat
With mine
And time ceases to exist
Nothing does but that kiss
Hum. Buzzing with excited life
Hands clutch at my bareness
Gasp so slightly out of breath
Because you feel all of me
Dancing intertwine
With the mister I had in my mind.
Inside the empty left behind
Unloved but I am fine.

Life a series of experiences that I lust after so let’s lust, lets love, let’s make this something fun
Helping caring let’s start sharing our adoration for each other like it’s contagious
We could start laughing and spreading happy like it’s wildfire
We will be two lovers that cross, like flowers stock that holds our heads up high
Accidently shine so bright that we cease a fight and it inspires more
Stumble on to world peace, like you stumbled on to me, just because we love right.
Silence struck when we touch tight
Inhale, exhale and your breath runs a fast highest
Stealing my breath from my lungs so I am alive like...
Shining fire flies beating thrumming life’s high, High on life let me get my words right ,I’m diving in without the stars light, because the dark isn’t scary, unknown quite as Leary if you lived a hard life, and words don’t fit or sit right, rolling around my tong like, a switch blade knife, curdling like milk that’s spilt last night, syphon sadness from addictive madness but that’s just fine like, I have my happy and I have my light ,and ill beam brighter with you by my side….so smile. Burn bright, be wild. Whatever the unknown holds, we will have it unfold, lay down like a red carpet for us to walk on, spot on, we are a symphony, rock stations getting rocked on, whales song in the ocean, you always said they are like boulder of the sea, sweet sound captured and encapsulated in a Stoney twinkling, like the color in your eyes when stubbornness arise…you are my pleasure wrapped inside a sigh, future wrapped up inside blurred lines, and I’m wrapped up so let’s untie. Kiss me back until we fly. Sorry for the cheesy love poem but I’m not, because you’re the hot spot, you’re the bomb.. Word rolling off my tong like smiles curl... corners reaching up like we move through this world… you have a white girl nearly rapping, just stop and feel what’s happening… what’s happening

Shutter, stutter… sampling; we are the best taste on a platter of now happenings. So stop sampling and start gathering we have a feast of the now and happening! Mind blowing intricacies, how we bob and weave, we are a fabric of all the love we haven’t had yet and are about to receive … of all the opinions not had yet, lay me down in a bed get me wet and, I bet we light up like fireworks… life just made ups meet…organic always tastes this sweet, because we make time spent together feel better then diamond rings. So sit down next to me and we will grow in to something even better <3 so here is a song, a poem some words to say we matter.

He is that high, dazed and alive
When you spend hours stealing
Glimpses at the stars
Like keys wrapped around a promise
To free you from these bars
Limitations placed so certainly
On top of you on top of me
I seek my way out
Like a star gazer seeks understanding
I’m planning on playing my hand just right
Putting you next to me
King of hearts at my side
Or maybe you are a joker,
Either way put on your poker face
We have life and space, set no pace
Like untimed steps under
A fall to far

Sing to me a jazzy song
From a time that’s far,
Dance with me
Dance along, move your feet
Make no promise you can’t keep
Just feel it
It’s like freedom but on fire
Like trust without certainty
Acrobat without a wire
Like letting go
A grand release
Like fearlessness
A found voice to speak
Passions pushed blood to cheek
Blushing past shades of pink
Pull you in, close to me
Fearless in you and me
Just fearless

She spoke fast and furious
over time she saw he never heard it
She folded away all her curious
slowly tucking them into his jeans pockets
button up shirts crisp and ironed
her warmth does not come from the dryer
So tears welling up inside her

if God really did exist
then why did he make her like this?
destined only to please men
They both say her existence
no matter her repentance
could ever free her from this sentence
a second class citizen from the moment of her birth
a second class sins again
as she dreams of life outside of
pleasing him
she sins again
when she stops fitting in
she sins again
Shes resenting them
For the fire over feminine
she thinks at least I am not one of them
Shes only happy to not be a man
Because she never understands
How to hate women the way it demands
Hands
Strike
Match lights
Sins again
She fights
He sighs
Sets fire
Inside her
Watch her burn
Says it's God's work

I start to answer her question,
She seems taken aback.
I rattle off my list.
“Witty comments,
An easy found laughter…
I like competitiveness
That’s wraps itself around playfulness,
Like I want to wrap myself around
His big found epiphanies.
Symphony of intellectual connecting’s and
Good intuition.
A quick reaction time, helping you step away
Before **** has had time to hit the fan.
Eagerness to help other human beings…
Taking advantages of opportunities instead of people
Charisma that is unselfish in its tendency to be noticed.
Awareness of one’s self.
a knack for insightful observing.”
These a list of things I find attractive
But yes he also has a nice jaw line
It traces lovely underneath a finger tip
But it’s a faraway line on a map
That has eloquently plotted out his most beautiful parts
It’s faded and dim in comparison to the additional obvious existing’s
It is so far from those parts of him I find to be most beautiful
That I hardly understand how out of all of it
That was the only thing you really responded to.
The only part of the map you related enough to
To point to and say I have been there.

how do you say ******* to the world without admitting you are giving up. **** **** fuckity. I know I am classy. Lady like. So put together, but ironically I know who I am and this will un- cluster **** itself eventually. I am okay, but seriously universe what are you trying to prove? So again i ask, how so you say ******* world without admitting you gave something up? A little bit of hope, of innocence, of faith in something. But I have given something up. so I suppose I should able to express my loss however makes me feel better.
*you dont say ******* to the world without admitting you have given up on something.

Silky red lips sip on
Intelligents, and intuition
Blue watery eyes
Perfectly disguise
Intricately weaving words
That are shaped, then escape
Change the landscape
Of relationships and connection
Gravitating truth to unexplained urges
Feelings all colliding, leading to one thing
She is absolutely unique in herself
Bring fourth an Absolute beauty
As well as drawing a connection for me
One again providing a bridge
This time completely unaware
Of the truth she has delivered

She is no reflection
Only 94% same genetic makeup
But our likeness has never helped me see myself
Not like it did today
I saw her physically
but more importantly
Emotionally
She helped me remember
What I bring to the table
Expression and a suave reading
Of people and their meaning
Helping them see pieces of them self
My gift of self-awareness
Gifted to me
As I sought to see
Its more than red lips
Blue eyes
That are a bit alike.

Lucidity ivied my mind
Encapsulate my understandings
Replay my reasonable findings
Play it back to me
Where do I fit,
They call it spirituality
A group consciousness
Cosmic understanding
******* truth.

Raw emotions simmer to the top
Where are we, where do I belong?
I see glitter in the night
Reminding me of my tangible size
And they try to tell me
A humble voice that rumbles
From a man who sits in the sky
I feel far from that
They ask why?

I feel a part of something
But its not a part of man
Of an all knowing being
Who has almighty hands
That we named so simple
Dog with letters skewed
God was just a friend
That explained what we never knew
from what ends and began
Struggle to understand
What no one really knows
And so the story goes
Still no sign of where I go
But god is not the answer

I remember that dance your head would do
Staring at you as your sleepy eyes wandered
Your head looking too heavy for you neck to bare
As drugs took you for a ride to who knows ware
And you would always play
Smiles all the way, guiding me to happy
Sticky fingers running away
With the popsicle that you gave
Snarky grin as  you would beg
Please tickle me. Rub my legs
He got old, and worn through
But never stopped loving me
Loving you. Sometimes he would
Go out and buy, pecan pie
And he looked so happy with that treat
I still think of you
In the little things
In all kinds of food
Remember the way we played
And all the things we’d do
Grandpa you were the place
Ware evil met with good
The paradox that no one understood
You never showed your darkness
Whenever I was around
But you light me up
Picked me up
Ten feet up off the ground
But as I grew to understand
You were a mixed up man
But I knew you loved me.
I love you, and miss you too
Grandpa thanks for always shining

We are not all broken.
Just because I have struggled
Doesn’t mean I am unlovable
Just because she said…
Most women are broken
Means nothing
I am just as much complete
Will and hard work once meet
Sculpted who I seek to be
Belittled by something so week
Flee from me
Negativity, seems to find me
It’s so whiny
I’m to shiny
Sulk, self-pity, loathing
You’re too boring
Over worn
Over used
I’m good enough
I’m full
Put together
More mature

I want to be at the harbor, not to be one.
I want sea salt waves to lap at my toes
Not to hold on to this until I explode
Please I just want to go, not be this.
I cant shake the feelings of being left behind
The fact that I can strip down naked
And you see through to the other side
I am searching for you gaze, like the one you use to cast
I want to be at the harbor,not to be one.
The one you look at last.
So I search for any place to be
any place at all, as long as that place isn't me.
I'm crumbling and dull
I cant hold on to all of this
I wont anymore.
sitting at the harbor
letting waves take what I cant be
letting the harbor, harbor me.

I half-hazardously hold onto
The soft edges of my comforter
It lining me from the chill
Cold ridged fingers of loneliness
Gently caress my shoulders
Pulling me into an endless way of thinking
My warmth shrugging her off
How dare she lay her hands on me
And I flee to a new place of darkness
Ware I dream of warm hands
Sliding down my back
Pulling me in
She appears, sliding in-between us
Her coldness wakes me from my day dream
She always seems to find me
I mean us?
Alone
Cold
Alone…
Leave me alone in loneliness
her hands always finding me

Hesitation when I say hello

I step into your space
Hovering right above the place
I wish to put my lips
Sigh, leaning into kiss
Press my palm
On your chest
Your heart beat
Beats the best
Images of me wrestling
Smiles settling
As we roll around the floor
Just imagining
What could be happening,
In that moment of hesitation
Before I say hello

I remember crying during lunch my senior year of high school
My math teacher’s eyebrows colliding turning one plane into a fractal image
He had sat there every day for nearly four years
Helping me struggle through an unreal number of numbers
Literaly and figuratively
And again and again the numbers on my math test said
You are less than average
You
Are
Stupid.

But behind the eyes of a determined math teacher
Never read, what my insecurities where screaming
Refusing to believe the numbers, I sought one thing
Some unspoken meaning
I almost found it the day of my graduation
I almost found it between my teacher’s eyebrows
Wearing it like a point of pride
I was the first of my family to hold
Such a light thing as a diploma
Instead of a heavy head
Weighed down by ******
It nodding under all the pressure
The first to feel the lightness of feather
Instead of a sixpack
A lame back, from manual labor
I was flying
College was my next undefeated feat
Again I let an institution tell me what I was
Test scores tell me what I should meet
Intelligent measured by something
That couldn’t understand its diversity
Trying to tell me I was less than average
When I was just an individual
Above a point of comparison
Excelling in conceptual understanding
Debating and good energy

I could construct social interaction
Like gold, I learn to read people
The power in my phone
I learned that it wasn’t the diploma that I should be proud of
Not the thing I sought after
Not what I would show my little sisters and brothers
To show them how to live better, how to be stronger
Burn brighter. Burn longer.
So here I am
Red faced and scared
spoken word
was hiding, but always there
in between my math teachers scrunched brow
Was the answer
I could have cheated if I had known how
If I knew what question that needed answered
Had realized it was never in his book
I should have listened to what I saw
Not to the math test I took
I
Am
Not
Stupid
I haven’t failed by choosing something outside of school
That I am not defined by the score
By numbers or lines
By this institutional rules
Test scores or even rhymes
I am not less than average
I just don’t average out
That power isn’t really in a piece of paper
Power is found in your words
And chosen behavior
That silence and insecurity
Means nothing really
The answer wasn’t in his book
It was in his look
And his persistence to prove
I
Am
Not
Stupid
He just wasn’t good enough with words to prove it.

Sometimes I wish I had something different
Every piece of art is made with deliberates but from intuition
Just like my life
Every decision is thought out but in reality
Its timing and final say is on the way I feel that day
And so many and so much sway
My mood pulling it like the sea to moon
It’s never free, I’m always high tide in emotion
Sometimes I wish I had something different
That mathematical precision that some people just have
But intuition just feels right
I can’t shake something that is so much part of me
I wonder if mathematical precision could explain
High tide that that never turns

you hold on to me with such intense gravity
our paths circling until we collide then
rewind time and start over
meanwhile i just want to pause this
stay next to you.

who knew loving was so hard
even when we are among stars
I can not hold on to you.

you are always coming or going
my mood weaning and waxing
this long distance costing and taxing
I can not hold on to you

a year has gone and pass
i have seen you through all of that
full faced and half hid
you know I have seen you
in every mood there is
I still can not hold you

eyes layered like forever galaxies
complex star lite forevers tightening
around an abyss of darkness
green blue strands of iris circling
a pupil, feels like a starry heaven
Just wanting to hold on to you
I would let the stars fall from the sky
If you would just stay one more night
Im falling for you.

Why can’t I hold on to you?

sit in a window seal, steeling glimpses at your smile
while you face me, living in a day dream
both trying to figure out if this is real

sun shining through the clouds
smiles displayed proud
they always say
home is where your heart is
you know my favorite part is


sit'n in a window seal, steeling glimpses at your gleam
while you face me, bursting at your seams
both sewing fantasy, trying to make new reality
you have me leaving fantasy for my now and happenings



lock and key
for home and safety
between me and your guitar
you are always playing something

finally home. <3

I am still pulling small fragments of you from my soft skin
Still finding pins of you in small places
Scrubbing until I bleed I still find pieces of you buried
My body rejecting parts of you that I have long ago grown over
Removing splinters that irritate and hurt me
I feel like I have removed all of you
And some new piece gets pushed forward
I can’t wait until I am free of you
Until I push out all of this poison

I am just as bright, but hidden inside.
Behind the doors of this home
Inside the walls of my skin
Behind windows and eyelids

I am just as beautiful as I was then
In the reflection, in what’s with in
In the soft of my skin and light personality
In the way that I think, in what’s reality

I am just as loveable, but alone
In the dead of the night, when I dream so dreary
When I am metaphorically seeking, weeping
When I’m in an embrace, with a lover’s charade

I am still me, just no one can see
I am just as bright, beautiful and loveable
Just alone
Until he arrives, and I know that I show

Silence
Says the world around me
I spend so much time looking for my friends and my family
But the world it shushes, and it hushes me
Lulls me, sings me a melody
Of possibility, but doesn’t tell the truth
Silence
Says the world around me
I reach out so desperately, to have the closeness I once had
But the harder I try, the more that I strive, leads to ……
Nothing, but I need something, I scream
I need to speak out, but no one’s around
Silence
Says the people around me
A crowd of remembered faces, all faded
( why do the shush me, and hush me?)
I had known them to love me
Is nothing above me, below me
Can’t anyone hear me, a wine or a whistle?
Silence
Silence
Silence
I am still hear.

I am stronger

A jungle grows inside of me, filled with hope and love

A mystery's inside of me, that flows in sky above

and branches reach for sun, but bound by dirt and earth

and roots all tangle deep with in, fighting for whats good

Beauty springing out from every new blooming flower

a hatred came to beat it down, to steal the dirt from the ground

frowns all placed on hatreds face, guilt its new grin

it beat me down, I bow my chin

shoulders fall in sadness, tear fogged vision in this crazy madness

trees tortured by blazing winds, breaking under pressure

sky's cloud up, gloom is a screaming disaster

Birds don't fill the air, there sweet song not heard anywhere

but sun beams break through the daze

forcing all hateful thoughts to hide away

this new faze, this new place

grows with satisfaction

I am stronger

I am stronger

I built a world just for me, filled with happy serenity

A confidence filled the walls, that had been made so tall

bliss built the roads i walked along, free from signs I knew the rules

and towers pierced the sky, and aimed for the stars

and fences ran around, to force me to stay in what I'd found

a angry shadow ripped it down, and in fear I looked around

outside this world I know not of, but to stay around   unheard of

forced to venture, pushed from home

at first I felt so alone

cold ran for me, but I found I was saved by my own breath

my warmth was beating inside my chest

I didn't need my strong built stone

I just needed to me, and to not be alone

so I ventured into the unknown. I stumbled on a new type of stome

I built, with no fences

I built a home not a prison

I am stronger

I am stronger

laughter it ran from me,and confusion struck mixed with inner conflict

I became a mixing ***, set down and forgot,boiling with emotions

I set on fire, burned a liar, stuck in a endless cycle

More then society puts on me, more then other battles I've been through

this one stopped me in my steps, I don't want this forever dread

rip this darkness from my head, blood a simple sacrifice

but there hurt is not right. I would never stop. but what a thought.

I fell. i hurt so bad, but there is nothing better, I'm glad i had

with the burn of pain follows with the wave of appreciation

of happy recognition, of simple smiles, content feeling

time to feel in a place of healing

I found laughter,i got up

I am stronger.

I’m not mad at you for falling out of love
Just for letting it hurt her in such a vicious way
Like your dad did to you before you got away
You almost felt wanted and then he gave up on you
If it hurt you so bad, then whys that what you do
What really is missed up is how you took advantage
I just can’t understand how you let that happened
I know the sound of your laugh, the tear streaked cheeks and red eyes
I knew the sounds you make when you really start to cry
Told me once, all your secrets, all your hurts and reasons why
Created a new safe place, you were my true best friend
I thought I knew you, thought you couldn't just blend
You truly cared about those you thought could love
You were my star that was sent from above
Transforming you began to change
You locked yourself away, began to forget my name
Put me down, and hide away
You never talked, or cried in front of me
I know life became hard, especially four you
I just thought it could never **** the fight inside of you
I am not mad at Collin because he is a nice guy
Just mad at you, for never thinking why
What really hurts to me, is I miss you every day
I miss my red head smile that always wants to play
The laughter that I use to know
The freckled happiness
I just can’t seem to find her
In the shades of grey and ****** mess

I dare you to call me beautiful again
I will punch you in the throat
so words will make choke
I dare you

Not knowing is part of the human condition
The words
I
Do
Not
Know
Are the wisest of them all.
Because admitting to not knowing
Is unlocking your mind
And allowing yourself
To explore possibilities
That before were unfathomable
*Free yourself, that’s the key