I don’t write for you
I ******* write for me
I don’t write except to fight the hell that’s dragging after me
To explore what’s under skin, that masks its whole.
Dwelling in my lakes of feeling
That no one knows the pull
Peeling back the lawyers,
Rip it open, hear it tear
I am angry, sad, and hurt
Scraped and fallen
I write to pick myself up off the dirt
And scream when no one knows I’m there
Where no one’s there to hear
The deathly hurtled scream of a lonely single part of a pair
I write to **** the demons that are pulling at my heart
To torture them and slowly pull them apart
I write to kiss the skin of a lover I use to know
To deal with the hurt of really letting go
To know he moved on before I understood
Keeping me sane when no one thought I could
Reminds of the irony, of what Christmas really gives
To open doors and close them
To let them in or show them
Recreating my reality
Or simply feeling the cool shade of a growing tree
I don’t write for you
I write for me
Because this rant is part of a process
That is setting me free
I bend at the bars
I let in a breeze
I feel a little happiness
And I remember I’m me

Bus full of people breathing inside a small space
Face to face, eyes cast down and explore
A small girl that hides behind bangs
Long thin legs
Tightly fit close
That are shear and expose
Insecurities
And people whisper
People point
But I remember what Teresa told me

A small man gets fired up
But can’t fight, he wobbles drunk
He wants to prove he is big and bad
That the girl who left him
Didn’t have his heart in hand
That he doesn’t bleed
He doesn’t hurt
He punches the next guy he sees
He makes him blue
Makes him bleed
And I remember what Teresa said
Two lovers hold each other tight
Teary eyes on a star lit night
Warm bodies fight the chill
Each wondering if they will
Be able to hold hands like this
Forever or if
Fingers fold into fists
As bitterness steals a kiss
Because the two girls don’t know why
People say they should die
They have always only loved each other
And I remember what Teresa told me

I loved you and you didn’t love yourself
I set you free and I hoped I’d be okay
Hope that the lost soul would find a happy place
Maze leading to a space
Were math problems weren’t the only way to make a mistake
Just to put your faith in something to really believe it’s true
Maybe that’s why we are broken…
Because you never believed in me an you
Because my honesty could never fix
The sickness you invent.
Your hiding from the sun, was to keep it out of sight
The fighting for happiness that you never felt was right
It makes since you would care less, you just don’t have the fight.
I fought for you so very hard, and I know that you cared
But I step back, breathjng so hard I can’t hear

She is so young
She can’t even see
You would put her there
Where I use to be
And you say it is the same
And now you don’t believe
What was I fighting for?
I just want to leave

I loved you and you didn’t love yourself
I set you free and I hoped I’d be okay
Hope that the lost soul would find a happy place
Maze leading to a space
Were math problems weren’t the only way to make a mistake
Just to put your faith in something to really believe it’s true
Maybe that’s why we are broken…
Because you never believed in me an you
Because my honesty could never fix
The sickness you invent.
Your hiding from the sun, was to keep it out of sight
The fighting for happiness that you never felt was right
It makes since you would care less, you just don’t have the fight.
I fought for you so very hard, and I know that you cared
But I step back, breath so hard I can’t hear
She is so young
She can’t even see
You would put her there
Where I use to be
And you say it is the same
And now you don’t believe
What was I fighting for?
I just want to leave

Afraid to be loved less
That my deepest fear lays right hear
Amongst us hear, it want to lay to rest
At night when I close my eyes
I know that people leave
When pressure tries to break you
And time out waits you
Sun beaming down with vehemence
It ends the same
Same old story
Whoever loves less
Walks away with glory
Without a chip
With no block
just carry on
with my key
That locks away
What I don’t say
I‘m afraid to love you more.

It’s not falling in love, just know I’m falling.
That moment that you feel the rush of falling before your feet actually leave cliffs edge
Your heart pounding, alarms sounding
As alive and awake in that moment
As the ones ahead where you are actually flailing
Where you have already made the decition
And waters on its way to meeting you
There has to be a word for that
Whats the word for that?

The moment you see the roller coaster climbing
And your heart’s reacting to the drop
Like you have already been dropped
What is the word for that?

Writing words…. There are no word… ill find words for that.
Because deep inside of me I can already anticipate me falling
And I am reacting before its even happened
Like a moment where you are a passenger in a car
were you can’t see out the window
But scared silence lets you know that those who can
Have  already braced themselves for impact
Unable to see the car outside t- bone the one you are inside means nothing
The fear gathered from others ****** expressions is real
You are real
There are words for that.
Real
Really falling.

Today I ripped up that inked paper
Crafted, inked sketched
To shorted the distance between our difference
Something that hasn’t happened yet
Negativity, is all it brings me
And it lays in pieces by my bed
Seeing what is there
Instead of what I made
Lays
Alone
In pieces
No one ever appreciated you
Not like me
Not like I do
In some ways
It was perfect
Celtics player
Patterns
Green sprayed across
A piece of paper that struggled
To say
It doesn’t have to be perfect
But I took it down
Because they never understood
What it stands for
Stood for
…. No shorter of a distance
Paper doesn’t make a bridge
to cross the gap
between the difference
of you and me.
today I ripped that paper

I fall and weep
And tears stream
Heartbreak breaking inside
Terrified of myself
Of what I am without anybody else
And I think out loud


Who am I


And search inside
To realize
I am ******* beautiful…


And you who hurt me so
Should realize I cry tears of gold
I break and burst through the mold
That my emotions free me
I’m a sea of meaning
Strength has not escaped me
And I am fear and saintly
I trust, love and lust
Live and fly and cusp
On the self I am working to be
Changing myself
Changing humanity
And I break loose
Free as a bird
Singing songs
Not of how you hurt
I hurt
But how I love so sweet
And anyone not willing
Has met a
Sad cease
Ending at where
I am only beginning
I am nothing short of beautiful
So sad you haven’t seen it
I'm bright color
In shades you haven’t seen yet

I stood there with my hands out begging for forgiveness
She gave it but I wilted, until the sun help me to stand
And together we grew on common ground
Understanding fueling my defeat of grief
Leafs budding from rooted truth
We healed with what we both knew
Time passed by, I loved her still
Her freckled face, her sheer will
She was the brightest flower I had seen
But her brilliance became less green
She would take the nurturance we once had shared
She started pulling at my petals
Telling me I wasn’t bright
Saying things to make her light shine
And sneaking all the sun
I let it be, I let her have her fun
I took it every time
Knowing she had once took mine
Thorns took place of soft vulnerabilities
And she stung instead of happy memories
What happened to that flower?
What happened to her power?
What happened to the beauty?
When did you get so *****?

You ***** a little girl.
And I saw you as a good dad
And my familys ****** up
I feel so crazy as I look up
To the sky, and through applications
I have to find a place for her
To live, as cancer steels her life
Her big personality, as finalizing choke out of me
What I am suppose to say
And as people I care come crawling out from
Dark, I park myself in the one ray of light
Fighting to stay the person that I am
Uncle you are a tweeker, But I love you
But you steel from my dyeing grandmother
I WILL ******* KICK YOU
Right in the teeth so you wont smile at me anymore
I will die
When they burn down that old house
I will die
When she lets cancer take away everything
I will die
When I don’t know what to say and its to late ill die
Frustration  overtakes me, someone save me
Im failing. No one will help an old lady out for real?
Whats the deal. What kind of world do I live in
And rewind. He touched a little girl
My grandmas is soon to be homeless
Because they will take
What made my childhood
And my uncle finds everything
He can take and runs away
And I stand alone
Trying to find her a home
And fathers day is on the way
But I don’t know what to give him
Maybe a letter that says
Thanks for growing up
Once I didn’t need a dad
And at the end
I'm still mad
Happy please find me
Please find me
*so lost, I cant even find the right buttons, right words... ****** poem, ****** home.

I want to read the chapters
In the book you tuck away
To understand the habits
You found in different days
Sculpt the sweet smile
That’s painted across your face
Hide inside the arms
That seems to turn away
I don’t know if it is me
Or if it’s something else
But I would like to know
The warmness that I felt

I am the thunder that shakes your world
The terror lusting in your eyes
Simple gesture of impending pleasures
Intamently scratching out your eyes
Your meanness puts me off
But attractions turns me on
I hate to say, I’d like you
If your cloths weren’t on
Constructing my own tower
To keep you far away
But my hips sway in just that way
And broad shoulders lean in closer
What a titillating game…
I promise not to play
To bad you’re such a jack ***
You only know how to grab ***
I’m a gental honest lover
With passion under covers
I bet you have never known
That silky golden tone
Of soft lips whispering
I love you
Too bad you’re such a jack ***

So funny how words spill between us
A poetic conversation flooding
Understandings and questioning
Everything
One moment lights up like hope upon butterflies wings
The next unveiling a garish harsh truth of reality, perched alongside loneness
Words coloring inside lines
Fuzzy gray trying to hide
Nothing is really quite
Balck and white
Every relationship really knows no bounds
Only defined by the individuals its wrapped around
Unique as life, its complexity
Just like your eyes seeing into me
You couldn’t say we are average here
Your words are what bring color to my life
And beauty to a blade of grass and autumn leaf
To a blue jay, to the passion I seek
An icon image into what life is supposed to mean.

Mom
I look inside your eyes a realize you are human
Inside that part of life, fleeting time
Misty eyes, you are lost
I forgot
You are human

Remember how I thought of you
Like superhuman, superman but you were super women plus ten
Always thoughtful, always true
Stuborn in what made you, you

Mother I have cried, lost in struggle
Lose my stride
but re found and got up
Always knowing you were right
By my side, held up high

Now I step aside, and watch
The ever knowing has finally stopped
do my eyes lie
or had i just forgot
we are all just human
we all get lost
fall down and get back up
mom hold my hand
we both can jump

Collecting scraps of withered old papers and photo strips
Like I collect memories
Scattered and out of chronological order
No time line to seamlessly tell a story
Only a room full of windows to look through
And uncover one at a time.
Blending my mind like I would a smoothie
Smoothly un-fold papers with scrolled hand writing
Press seems that have been the seems that stitched up broken parts
Of hearts, headaches and lonely nights
My past sewed up and patched, the hurting parts
I confess this to you as a photo strip prints
To mark another memory, a direct portal to the magnificent night
I look for the Minnie golf score sheet, but it hides
You seem to notice it more than a score sheet to me, but you just smile.
A day goes by and this portal is already fit amongst a mountain
Infinite number of patches to fix up the broken parts of life
Whatever hurt lingers, in persistence to last
I am surly equipped, look at the patches I have
2 days go by and I find a note on a green paper
Individuality printed on a score sheet
Each letter from a hand I had wish to hold
Telling me of beauty and a fun night out
Scores scribbled underneath
I tuck it away; it is the most beautiful patch
The most colorful and inspiring
A window so darling
I wonder what hurt this patch could not fix
And smile because it is his

I burn red. Literally blushing to the point of heat exhaustion
I am fire, fiery full of passion for a better world, for better, greatness
I redefine successes, and I push myself for the best
Gazing inside the lines society claims as norm, abnormal
People are the things I fixate on, because I care and can’t move on
And I am livid that you, you like all those I watch
Have forgot… you don’t see. It kills me.

Lets put the starts to shame as we light up underneath them
Lets go for a hike and get as lost in nature as we are in each other
Lets dare each other to climb a little higher because we both know the fall is nothing to be afraid of
Become a time keeper, speed up a moment just so you can take pleasure in slowing it down
Put on your explorer hat so you can take the time to map every part of me out
I will do the same, excited to smooth out your surface like a love letter that’s been creased and un creased relentlessly
Let me unfold you
Lets jump into cold water to feel revitalized, just like you feel when my cold hands seek your warm body
Lets be fearless, as in no heartbeats that turn into birds surrounded by ribcages that shrink in around it..
But more like drums whos beat leads to endless dancing and spiritual growth. Let’s fall in love.
Lets be better than any love story you have heard of, lets brag about how lucky we are to be existing together in a moment.
Bring out my over competitive side, make me lose so I can realize that is impossible… because reality is about perception and if I have you I can only win
Whisper, sweet something’s because sweet nothings can be for the girls that were before me. Lets be substance… be moral be wild crazy and alive. Let’s be young. Let’s be that romantic element others search an eternity for, and let’s make it easy. Easy like breathing, like taking in your air… lets fit together like we are proof in creation; even if it doesn’t exist we can still create something beautiful. Lets make this important, lets.

Letter to the boy who never writes inked words that spell out   I   love   you. But still his ink bleeds in ways I have never seen and it captivates the art inside me. The words them self may not be saying what I wish to hear but the portrait drawn in each letter is creating a beautiful big picture. I am glad you let a lovely spirit bring you to rainbows found in music that spills from your room. You see beauty everywhere and always point it out
I standing right beside you and  I can’t help but feel left out
So I see the fall and all you awes and then I look inside of me
Look hard
Alone and
Scrutinize myself
So here are something s
For between… just you and me

1)When I blush it may not be the subtle pastel you would choose,
But it blossoms on my cheek the color lovely. Crimson colored glasses show all my venerability, making me something authentic. And I like it most days. You can choose to hide your face, to look away but I love the way I am burning.You can't choose my pink or pick it.It is the color it is… well its authentic

2) I care about others to the point of it being a sickness. I have numb hands because anxiety acts in quickness, just like my reactions I am real, emotional and passionate. I see my beauty now and think you can’t have it. Even if I agree about all the other beauties you refuse to see me, and I am lovely, bright, I fit my hands just right, my legs are long and strong and remind me that my feet are my wind, a feather taking me to every place I have ever been and will be.


3) When you talk your words form poetry, but you can give up any time to get to know me, and I’m a piece of art. My colors are what words were made for. My beauty bending the conceptual understanding of language and a word itself. My eyes at any point in time saying more than your fingers ever could, slowly typing out word that beat out simple meaning. Tears fall from me heavy as bricks falling from a height, weighed down with the sorrow picked up through my life.

4) Im not bitter because you didn’t think I was hot. Because shallow boys make me their toy and they all want to play. And that makes me bitter and fules me with hate.  It was nice to find someone who cared a little more, who knew there were four letters to my name. who talked and shared interests. Only bitter now because you like my inside colors, but you didn’t think I was pretty enough to paint. And the deeper pool really was just vain. Tipping at the edge I am just pulled down the drain.

5) Is a secret. I use to hate my smile; my teeth are far from perfect. People were mean, you can say anything about it and I can say I have heard it. Red lipstick is my purple hard. Showing I made it through something mean and mad, perhaps I wish I hadntnt but I had and this is my prize. This is the honorable reminded I wear it with pride. Beaming, my red lips framing what had held me back from smiling for years. And I smile from ear to ear its beautiful.

6) A confession, I hate that you don’t see me, but I love what I see myself. I wish your hand writing wasn’t more appealing than the empty echo of what they tell.
So here is a letter to a boy, who writes in lovely scroll. Who couldn’t love me, if he knew me all. Simply said, I hope you find someone right, not me ever, not me tonight. Bitter without the sweet. To the boy who only writes but doesn't read, who expresses but just cant see, to the other lovely soul confused by all the color... I just needed to write you one last letter.

You exist to me like wind to everyone else. I can feel your overwhelming presence, but its hard to show other people you are there. You give me goose bumps that leave the only physical trail to your existence. The small black letters on a lite up computer screen is the only thing hinting at a reality where your windows can be seen through. Giving hope for a day I can see into your eyes and read into your words in a whole new depth. Giving hope of a day I reach out and grab you like a question mark at the end of my never ending list of questions, and hold you in my hands. See what you look like, hear what you sound like, feel what you feel like, listen to what you say and understand you to be more something like an explanation point then you ever where a question mark. You are just one shipped off and sent letter, whose words don’t fall short but leave me hanging on whatever the next p.s. has to say.  This is not a love note or a confessional piece; this is a means of exploration. This is me seeing every individual on the planet as a separate world amongst the universe, some more worthy of exploration then others, and seeking you to calm the wanderlust inside of me. This is a proclaiming of my undying interest in exploring your world and getting to know you. This is an attempt to explain to another colorful person that for me, getting lost in this world isn’t half as appealing as getting lost in someone else’s.  I am in a place in my life filled with so much potential, especially in relationships with other people. I find myself trying to create stronger relationships instead of more, but you still seem to feel like something pressing. Like something I should invest in. Maybe it’s because you play with words like I shape in clay. Maybe it’s because your expansive vocabulary draws me in. Perhaps it is that you seem to have priorities that make since to me, maybe it is because you give exquisite advice and have become a reminder to me of how to be positive in the face of ugly. Maybe it’s because when I talk to you I don’t have to use smaller words, I don’t have to talk about things I don’t find important and the only time we talked about the weather was when it snowed so much that it brought you to a place of bliss and wonderland. Maybe, maybe it’s just a feeling. But I have found when I am honest about my feelings; I live a much happier life. So hear is a one way ticket into my head. Hear is one guided trip into one way I see the world and people around me. This is my request to read every word you wish to write.
Sincerely, tink

A letter to myself before I identified as polysemous.

1. The idea of meeting a stranger and only defining them based on what they mean to you, and not the relationships you already have is thrilling, and honest, and joyous.
2. The pressure of needing someone to meet all your needs is lifted, in this their is freedom. Take the time to feel it.
3. You will have more people who love you, love is endless and you don't run out. You can love an expansive number of people... their is always more water in this well.
4. Nothing will prepare you for the moment you realize you are capable of loving two people at once.
5. Nothing can prepare you for the moment you realize he can only love one.... and its not looking like its you. You will cry. You should have seen this coming he was never good a multitasking or balance.
6. although truth is usually your friend, you will find days that it is to hard and to brutal. He will look at her in ways he cant at you any longer
7. You can feel alone in a sea full of strangers or a room full of people you have hand picked... it depends on your feelings. On others smiles.
8. loving him as he slowly fades will be hard. Not regretting your choices in some moments might be too. But don't punish yourself for being capable of loving at such a great capacity... If loving was a Olympic sport you would have gold.
9. Actively shaping your life and customizing it to you is what its all about. Think about your needs. You matter too.
10. Its okay you still love him. Its also okay to love Chris. Its all going to be okay.Its hard to see now but their is reliance is spreading out your love. Its loving to limited and too little that you need to worry about. I love you too.

Dear middle class friend
You have to know that I love you and know we come from difference
I am thank full for your existence and teaching me how to blend in
Find myself inside the lines of a different class
you take the time to teach me how I should act
You come from power I come from poverty
But I can mask, just change my cloths and vocabulary
Im educated and observant
Subservient to what you say
Speaking of your problems
How you hate the rain
How you over booked yourself
Should you go to the yurt or to the football game?
Not trying to undermine
To lessen your distress
Or infer you have a mistress
That money isn’t happiness
Just remember when you talk to me
You are forgetting who I am
Because of how I dress
Disguise myself to well I guess
Remember
I just found a place to live
Food is hard to find
My parents split
My siblings flail
Cancers killing someone else…
And you forget
That money isn’t mine
And I am short on time
My problems are different
I just can’t relate
I have never seen a yurt
Or seen a football game
Or been on stage
I don’t know what to say
Dear middle class companion
Thanks for offering to stand in
When I want to complain
But don’t feel bad
And take my hand
I try to feed me again.
I don’t need fixing, or sad eyes
Just try to sympathize
I know you don’t understand
We come from difference
I hope for acceptance
Maybe understaning
But I don’t know how to say
Ill never care as much as you
About such silly things.

I asked you when you find me most attractive… wondering if that would help. Perhaps that's not the question I should be asking in the first place. when do I find myself to be the most desirable version of myself?
when i'm in the eighth hour at the studio, overalls covered in mud, brow furrowed problem solving out in clay. I am **** as **** when I forget the world around me long enough to create something I find to be beautiful captivating and alive, something amazing out of dirt.

When I empathize with someone's heart break, with their loss, with their lost, with their depression and ugly parts. When I don't stand above them looking into the whole they currently live in with sympathy and a sandwich but i crawl down to meet them in the dark spot they are. So they inside me, when someone does something despicable.. when hurt and sadness bites down on my throat and I can choke on the knot that is refusing to go down smoothly and I manage to articulate myself through all that is drowning me from the inside out, when I say something so true that those around me get choked up and the person who is doing the hurting hears me, I am brave, I am beautiful then, when I take a stand for something I really mean.

I am beautiful when I get up to go to work again and again, when I go and go and still notice the laughter on the streets, the children puddle jumping and can remember why I do it all. I am beautiful when I find the motivation to continue, when I am or am not at peace with the world or with myself. I am beautiful in my struggle and my success.

When we were at the wedding with your family, I choose to take of my shawl so people could see my tattoo. I decided to because I had decided It was time to be myself unapologetically. I may not be what everyone sees as perfect, but I am something to be proud of not hidden, in that moment I was beautiful.

When I see myself in those around me I find them to be beautiful, even the ugly parts. It’s so human isn't it. I feel like myay angalue could never have said it better, we are all capable of know they are not alone, that I can relate and I love them. when I tell them thank you for sharing their problems without shoveling silver lining down there throat. When I have the courage and vulnerability to meet someone where they are, I am beautiful then.

the moment before I sit down to drive. when my heart tries to flood my body with fear and anxiety. When in my mind I can think I can't do this a hundred times but I still sit down and start the car. When I feel my breath change and I am embarrassed that this simple everyday thang has such control over me and I wonder what you must think of me, but I move forward. I shift, I drive,I do. I am making my own choices and I am beautiful then.

When I sit under your arm, on your chest and I feel your warmth, I feel like I am a part of something. I feel safe, and at home, I feel wanted and I feel beautiful. I feel like I am desired and I feel desire.I am beautiful then

when I feel that fire burn everything a human has done, we are all made up of the same things that make up the human experience it's just the parts of ourselves we encourage to grow that makes the difference.But it's especially beautiful when i see myself in youthful smiles, acts of kindness, small acts of defiance against what is always accepted as the truth. I am especially beautiful then.

I have to tell you because no one else will, your needy grabs for his attention and flailing attempts to come across seductive will fail you. I know it is hard to want what you can't have and honestly I don't blame you. He talks to me in his sleep. He turns in our little twin bed to seek me and he always finds my love, we often wonder how our twin bed can give unwanted space a place between us. Its like he is searching for me when he rests in his subconscious and even in the alternative reality I am always there we always find each other. He makes me feel like I am the only light that turns on in a sea of dark night and he takes endless pleasure out of what I am and the shadows I cast. Even the dark parts of me he hold close too. I see you leaning over the bar counter and I know you don't want him to be looking at your eyes when he is talking to you.... I am telling you that he smiles like the sidewalk flowers he brings me and we grow together like the ones planted in his garden. Every day he brings me flowers, he tells me why specific smells or petals remind him of my beautiful parts. He loves the purple ones because I am so fond of the color. I never pull on the soft petals in a game of love me or love me not. That is what I am trying to  tell you, he grows flowers for me that only have "he loves me" written on them so I never have to question myself.There just is no room hear for insecurities and the need  to be wanted for you to cling to, he knows what he wants. He is brilliant and I cant think of a way you are going to be able to convince such a smart man that ******* you right now will feel better then the life time of love I have for him. You would have to speak a lot to what is hiding inside the creases of your thighs to convince him it would feel better then me, because I know how to make that feel pretty ******* good. I am not trying to say we are the energizer bunny, only that when we do what bunnies do we just keep going, We are a power house when we are together, energy just rolls off of us. I know how to make him moan, to tighten and to quiver, I also hold him if he cries.We warp time around out interactions, it flies by while we refuse to give up the moment and I get lost in him. He is far more beautiful then any place I have ever been to. He makes me feel alive. we are happy. I have no fear that your needy cry for help will get him naked. I only worry you are in a sad place and he wont take you as a friend if you keep on trying to touch him. That would be sad for you, he is the best one I have ever had. sincerely the girlfriend he is trying to find after you touched him a little to long. Could you tell him I am right outside the bar, I was waiting for a friend.

She walks by without a clue
Her bubbly personality and bright *** shoes
Laughter gush and spills, free and loose
Joyous even in the way she moves

She wears the world as hot as red lipstick
Explores herself and what’s not listed
Follows the rules but just has to break them
Sings in the night, when no one listens

The sun comes out when she’s ready to play
Curls bounce as she walks my way
She doesn't even know

Has never been touched with a lovers kiss
But she loves deeper than anyone I have met
Cares so deep, hugs so sure
Trusts so venerable, loyal for sure
She isn’t the rainbow
A color undiscovered
The flavor of happy, the taste of song
Flies like a bird, dancing in the lawn

Climbing trees, hanging in the park
Sharing her stories, girl likes to talk'
She doesn't even know that she is
My shining star, little piece of bliss
Showing the way when things get hard
Laughing when I cry
Cry when I laugh so hard
She doesn't even know
She’s my window in to happy
When it’s no ware else to be found
My excitement when my life is turned upside down
Noise that needs to happen
Hug I need to have
Person I know will be there
The smiles that’s for sure
Liesel you’re my happy pill
The one for sure cure.

tingling. my fingers warn me
that anxiety is nibbling
that my heart is transforming
it beats then tweets
a bird locked in a rib cage
That is rapidly shrinking
feathers fall as wings beat fast
a cage that grips the bird at last
I gasp for air and feel the choke
my hands cover my mouth
I know that I will faint if i
let air in again
faster
faster
faster
until I feel the bird passing
my rib cage loosens grip
my hearbeat take
a sweet doves place
a little sad
and more worn then before
and I am forced to take this
Scared, torn and beaten *****
as a token that says life
can just be living sometimes

I look inside a mirror and see
frigid ice crystalize around an iris
Reflecting this coldness
chilling my spine and reminding me of loneliness
even when its taciturn pools
of tears sent ripples
laughter fled and long missed giggles
my eyes see winter
where they once saw
wildfire dancing
and doves sing songs

I look into the my hands
each fold of skin hiding secrets
every etched out finger print
like a deciphered  map
trying to take me to a place I haven’t been yet
perhaps 3D puzzle
that fingers haven’t fit yet
every short torn nail
every cuticle
looking for a space to fill
is as sad as the heart and eyes before them
I beat. I look. I feel
its all so hard right now
to be a living declaration
given word to life’s just living

Lightly wind cradles me and pushes
Exhaling as air laps at my cheeks
Light as a feather I feel myself
Coming down to earth
Where you don’t exist
Because you only see me
When I dream of you
In reality
You have failed to see my light
So I walk toward the sun and try
To remind myself
I am fine.
I'm on fire
Light
Light as a feather
Bright as fire

Love is a weighty thing
Soft sometimes
Always sharp enough to keep you bleeding
I always felt the harder you loved
The farther the fall
The kind of fall that kills you
I started imagining the impact before feeling it's warmth
I would negotiate with myself
"A punch to the face would ease the lonely"
I had been choked out by the hands that held me
To be touched was not breathing
Love is a fist fight inside me
Is wreckless abandon
Love is a weakness
Always being exploited
A knife fight
And I have nothing left to be taken
Love is a weapon
Love is a word
An empty feeling left unheard
Love is a knife fight
A weighty thing.
Don't ask me to love you,
I could never
I care for you to much

I love you like a five year old loves puddle jumping. Like fire-flies like flicking on the light inside them. Your a smooth well held stone as familiar to my touch as my own skin... examined again and again you begin to stretch. More like the sea then any old stone I begin to understand your love from me, I realize I was hardly holding all of you inside the palm of one hand, your encapsulating. I have been to church and heard them preach, how is it no one ever teaches about the heaven that can be created right where you are. I have never found faith in old made up words but you have me believing in new truths. I'll treasure you like farmers treasurer rain, like Christians treasure there own salvation, how curiosity feels when finding out the answer. You make me feel like the surface of the stillest pond inside a rainstorm, all of me remaining, even expanding but shaken up in the best of ways. I have cared about you from the moment I met you, I love you now and always. love your roomate<3

That night we wept open
Love poured from my eyes
You held my heart flooding
Even you cried
I let love hang like honey
Sweet and so pure

The next day was different
You loved me at my worst
Triggered and tangled
You held on so tight
I fought and was frightened
So scared to be right

That day I wept open
Love poured from my eyes
You held my heart flooding
Even I cried
I let love hang like honey
So sweet and so pure
Stuck in you love
Safe and secure

Your fingers trace the door frame, searching
until you find me, grouping in the night
you flick the switch
I feel seen by you
light touching all the parts of me
usually left unnoticed
You see me light up
glow exposing all the ways into my thoughts
then you flick the switch
Darkness hides me and you forget I am there
Like the depression that took lights place
ate up every thought of me
am I even there now?
can you even see me?
how can you turn your love off like that?
Please keep the lights on....

hail falling on silent still surfaces
your words break up my calm
like clouds release rains on days they feel light
you let go of old angst and loneliness
in exchange for new smiles and hope

mist hugging mountain tops
while loving arms open up
asking me to explore
I lean into you
Feel nature embracing me

my chin quivers when I really get to crying.
that's different.
yours never did.
but your neck runs into your collarbones the same way
we have the same chin and nearly the same jaw line
mines just slightly more square
our eyes are exact in color not quite in shape
but equally transparent
skin the exact same shade sprinkled with sun kissed pigment
freckles parading across the endless rise and fall of our bodies
they both breath
we both have seen my childhood and yours
I'm sure the inside of your eyelids feel like mine
they look the same
I'm sure you feel it, when your alone and think my name
we are not so different.
In someways we are still the same
I will cherish it.

That laughter rolls from under you
Light pooling inside your eyes
And like a moth I’m drawn to you
You pull me in, and I am powerless
Blood just below a boil
Ready to surface red, at any moment
Just say a word and see
How transparent I can be
Heartbeat, beat beating
Your voice like honey
Slowly moving over me
Sweet temptation
Just one taste and..
I draw near just to feel the burn

*I am not a ******* moth

We held our hands and the world tried to break us
We held our gaze because hate couldn’t shake us
We felt alright because we were there through the night
We watched the world smudge with fear
Violence in innocents tears
I could handle it all, because most of all
I knew you would be there
I knew we would be there
We listened and learned
We would both take our turn
Big sister I’m sorry I missed you
And now you forgot, but I still have not
I’m so sorry I missed you

We held hands because the world tried to break us
We held our gaze because hate couldn’t shake us
We felt alright because we were there through the night
And through fear and neglect
Through insanity and confusion
And roughhouses bruising
I’m sorry I missed you my friend
I’m so sorry I missed you
I would just kiss you
And now you don’t need me
Now you can’t see me
And now I’m just missing my friend

Life is far from fair. He was born to this place, but his ancestors took it by foot. So long ago he can’t remember what being the immigrant felt like. Can’t remember the xenophobic slurs were placed in other people's tongues to whip the different out of him. This took place so long ago now he doesn't remember what blood spill looks like, can't remember his fist drawn back. He is the **** Italian immigrant, the fire crotch Irishman, the Gew the ******* and now the towel heads. He is everyone who has made himself at home hear afraid again, that a new immigration will take all the parts of their home  he loves the  most. Forgetting quickly he was the ones marching last time around. Refugee is so much more of a statement then immigrant. An immigrant is looking for a better future. A refugee is looking for any at all. They fleeing from war torn promises and bombs that fall from the skies like rain. My government fears ISIS, those towel heads, they all look the same to our fear filled eyes, so we through them to the wayside. My government does not speak for me, I would welcome every refugee.Anyone who has that common enemy, who wants to fix it with love and a new life, I open my eyes and my arms wide.I remember that I didn't  belong here at first, that we were promised something more. I can't deny that to you and yours, I welcome you. Life's not fair, it’s clear to see, I am sorry that you are you and I am me. Difference only in where I was born, difference in this is already my home.I am sorry. Sorry that those with fear filled hearts have no room left to welcome you. That they are so worried about what pain might feel like that they can not feel sorrow for the pain you are already felt. I am sorry. To every middle eastern refugee that has been denied the right to live humanely… all I can do is be sorry.

Green morphing into amber
Brown dark texture
Underfoot layer after layer
Deep complexities found
Underneath earthy ground
Change is in a chilled air
Autumn smiles
Sweeps back her hair
She doesn’t know it
It isn’t planed
Life just takes her by the hand
See myself inside these trees
Leafs burn bright
Fade and leave.
My name is autumn
Life is fast
Change just happens
Nothing lasts
But its so beautiful
Full with color
Wind it shakes me
He is my  lover
But I know nothings
Sure to last
So I embrace this fire
With every breath
Let go of all my leaves
Let life and wind just set me free

82 inches of smile
Kind domineer
Complete full love for life
Like a tree my eyes
Gauging you, scuttling up
The six foot ten stature
Packed admiration
What a beautiful thing
All those cells working
To create this magnificent
Human being
Part of human-kind
And he is both
Human
Kind
And he is a seed that is planted
Inside my head, he continues to grow
A tree inside the forever forest of thoughts
As tired eyes, drift off

I may be feeling lonely. his touch has lingered and drifted in the wind. I may be feeling lonely but I am doing it for him. He has school and I have work and we work to make things work.. but is it even working. I remember when it was play. when laughing was like breathing and night gave way to day. i am feeling lonely, your hands to far to hold. tonight is kinda chilly, your not here to keep me warm. I count out days until i see that sunbeam face , the rest of time seems wasted. Like life is on hold until your in my hands and i realize its kinda sad. I only have you on the weekends. I count away the days. Binge on your lovely when your close enough to taste. I listen to your voice and all it has to say. I listen but you echo off the empty walls and space.I want to fit into your life,I would make all the room for you. But two lives apiece cant spare the room. Fit into me, into the folds of my hand. You are the most lovely, i just need you to understand. Even in our distance I need to feel you here. I want to wait for you but its hard to do a  half *** job form here. I ride out on my emotions and its becoming so hard. maybe harsh to say... but riding out every missing you is leaving me with scars.You cover me in love, the finest kind there is. But its bliss is lost when its ripped away. I feel like a oceans tide, in love with sandy shore. I feel at home until i'm pulled to far. I only know how to love you right. When did a half *** job become the answer that wasn't easy. I just want to hold you tight.I just want to love you right.I would quit my job and catch the next ride... but there is no room for me in your second life. So i may be feeling lonely. But i am doing it for you. I may be living here but its just because there is no room for two.



* no edit just pure release. This poem is helping to heal my heart and for that I am grateful.

I do not tiptoe
Just foot after foot
And I go
No need in denying,
No since in just hiding
Just keep on rowing my boat
Take life by the hand
Walk on with no plan
No one to tell me I can’t
One step at a time
I won’t fall behind
But I feel blind in a world of color

I am not much of a poet, and it takes a whole lot of poet to write a love poem
Sappy and happy never read as well as blood, sweet, and tears
And years of turmoil has always aid me
But lately, I’v been hastily and systematically fathoming how to make words fit
Like our bodies do at sundown, when we are the only light inside a dark room
Just beaming at one another, why bother… cheesy isn’t easy .. but I try
I try to find the powerful words that will describe the electricity that pulsates from us
We are the biggest power source around, if only I found the words to say it right
I am not much of a poet, and it takes a whole lot of poet to write a real love poem
But if I tried to write a love poem, it would be about you
About how your smile is a sun rise after endless nights
About how I only know your strength because you pull me in close
Like I weigh nothing and my baggage is just a carry on, nothing that can’t be handled
Never pushing me away or hurting, your strength is seen in your gentleness
I would explain how you make stretch marks feel like beauty marks
How you make sun kisses feel cool, how you make heartbeats in to drums, how you make a guitar sing, and your voice vibrates and rolls something between honey and heaven.
I would write about how you have endless energy and ambition
Charisma and endless potential that grabs at every opening door
I would write about how you grow friendships and flowers like they are one in the same
And how you love and invest in both
How you read like a scholar and chase after things only brave men chase after
I am not much of a poet but if I were I would paint in words for you the most vibrant expressions
Of lust and love and tinder kindness
Lay down words like bricks to build you up
Show how you are the one I searched and found worth finding
How we light up, show how exciting…..
Im not a love poet, not much of a poet at all…
But either way you are worth the fall, you deserve a love poem.

Humid summer air drags as my lungs
Force it to move, it tastes almost stale
Like stagnate water
I feel the life around me
Pulsating, vibrating wriggling
Buzzing and I am acutely aware of my surroundings
A regular group of people
Pooling together
In a social pond, everyone’s fishing
I’m not.
I see you
And every move you make
Every time your cheeks pull back
And your lovely smiles shine through
The cloud of normal life
Every time you reach down to embrace
To say hi
You slow down the pace of my day
Of my life, as I take in, slowly
Such a fleeting thing.

You said you don't hate me.... paused and said always
pain painted in flushed cheeks, upon a face with no light left
a long time ago I made myself a book
let an artist leave a million words
in black lines across the top of my foot
It was a tree(me)
holding on to a beautiful barn owl (you)
stopping just short of your name
I thought of you through each pin ***** of pain
and now more then ever I am glad
you sit between my toes and heal, facing up from my foot
its the only part of you that is still with me every step of the way.

Only To Test The water
Static, still unmovable
Freezing up and slowing
World tilting and growning
I am owning up and coming up
Through the cracks of expectation
They all lay wait in a crazed fascination
Like I am suppose to come alive in a new safe haven
Like I am the same way, before they left me
A new home and place is suppose to lay a foundation
lay the ground work for a new creation
A stronger me, and new me, one that knows how to smile
They think I fight it, but it just was put away
Frosty water laps at my past, I’m too slow to move so fast
The world is warm and moves with haste
I sit so still as the ice crystals form around my face
And it aches and it burns and my heart twist and it turns
Salty water drips sown my cheeks and the sun begins to leave
Who is anyone to limit me and what that means
I mean to explore and to understand, not to undermined
To switch the malevolent movement of the water
I never sought to make them mad, to hurt with sand
Only to test the water.

Overwhelmed by autumn
She brings me to my knees
I wonder what she whispers
To the ever changing trees
A flickering fire light
She hides inside the leaves
Dancing something fierce
Passion fills then flees
Something smooth and sensual
Kissing all the leaves
There is a fire deep inside her
I swear I hear her sing
She is such a beauty
Walking hand in hand with change
I wonder what she said to all that once was green
How she led them to believe in a cycle
That can only promise things

I use to hate the color pink
They would put it on me and start to think
It had a label, told them things
Such a girly girl, who wears pink

In my struggle to be set free
I forgot to really see
See the vibrant smiling thing
Until it draped itself
On olive skin
No amount of sparkle
Overwhelming pink
Could start to hide
His masculine side
Broad shoulders merely framed

Smile lines and chocolate eyes
All seem to make me weak
He is inside
Wrapped up tight
In the most brilliant color
pink

skin please hold in
everything
don't let her hurting me, seep, start bleeding
skin please hold it in
don't let her see what she is doing to me
like every muscle, ounce of blood
all parts there, but left unseen
don't let tears begin to bleed
skin
hold
in
everything.

Prize fight ,love and war

War torn love, a constant battle
Plans to make a moment stand for something
Trying to show this is real
But no skin can touch until we heal
Wild eyes meet and gaze
How to touch is what’s on their brains
The hurt and guilt can not faze
Endless though, his mind a maze
Guilt grenades explode so fierce
Echoed crying Is all we hear
And even when they close their eyes
Guns still fire and friends still lie
Trauma strikes them deep,
in hopes to knock them from their feet
Blood still rains from passions sky
Birds all fall instead of dive
Barbed wire catches though of hope
Silent night steals smiles
And even when this war starts to slow
People shake in fear of more
All who are left to stand
Look around ,blood dripping from their hands
Terror shaking their core
Breathing starts to sore
But no sound brakes this new found state
Warriors turn to spectate
A new force begins to take its form
Wars scary presence hold them in their place
They know something new may await
The two lovers eyes well up
A prize fight has taken place
Have they won what feels so great?
Or is this a break..
War still leaves a bitter taste,
But they stand still afraid of haste
Silence fills the dark
The only light is their shared spark
Angry love twisted in fear
Has proven how they both feel
War still plagues, but hope is felt
And two hands reach out
And they haven’t fell

Her voice swallowed me
Taking in all of me
Encapsulated , over taken
Shocked
Her voice had always rang true when she talked
She sung, and it rang, rung, round her truth
That I found, she was beautiful
Carrying her sweet song, like she carried everybody else
Full-heartedly, companionably
Completely, she can see me
And I laugh because she clearly can’t hear herself
See her…. self, because she likes
That I don’t hide, that I’m blind to delicate
Say it like it is
And that is why
I don’t lie
She is beautiful.

I don’t pick someone and wish to be a part of them
Not like I am right now with him
I don’t usually find someone who stands out in such a
Overwhelming way, in a way I feel so sure about.
But he makes me love me, and love who he is
But I found out what I thought I was prepared for
And the worst was a little bit
Satisfying in the strangest way
She is one of my very closest friends
She is bubby, beautiful and bright
And I love to be in the light she cast upon the world
She glides, hides from nothing and is fearless
And he likes her.
If I were a boy I would too
Just like I like you
But I’m transparent in a way
You see right through me
And although it makes me sad you don’t see
A light in me
You see the same light I see in her
And if you are so blind or you feel my light isn’t right
Maybe I should step back from yours
What is funny is we are so similar
How could I love and appreciate you
Without loving parts of myself?
But I understand
She is great
Love to love, love to hate
Life is such a funny thing

Creativity leaking from the tips of finger prints
Left behind, smooth surfaces
Of terracotta earthy dirt
Light dust hovering in the air
And I feel at home
Curvy shapely women
Who turns to tangled tree
Rising from the handful
Of earthy dirt
Singing about mother earth
Making something so sure
On purpose
Feels so monumental
And I feel at home
In the space I create
With just a fist full of dirt
I can change the world
Form it to the shape
That best fits what we need
And I know I am at home