Fake and pristine
Smile on my face
Tired and angry
The facade fades

It's a slow burn, my anger
A slow burn to conflagration
It's a slow burn, my anger
I'm done with expectations

I want someone to understand
What I can't communicate
To sweep me off my feet
And hug the pain away

I want someone to calm me
More than a flash of sharp steel
To comfort me sans blood
To show me what is real

I want someone who mends me
Without the help of pain
Who undoes my ragged stitches
And rewrites my brain

I want someone who'll support me
When I'm too weak to stand
When I want to cut, steal, smoke
Itching like the addict I am

I want someone to love me
More than I hate myself
To hold me when I cry
Always ready to help

I want someone who apologizes
When they say hurtful things
Who realizes and is remorseful
When the tread on my self-esteem

I want someone who indulges me
And the paranoia I carry
When I can't even leave home
When the world is too scary

I want someone who'll see through me
When I'm wearing my fake grin
When I want to cry so badly
When the facade stretches thin

I want someone who'll listen
To the story of my life
And hold me and rock me
And put away my knife

I want someone who'll reach out
When my apathy arises
And I don't bother to keep in contact
They push past my devices

I want someone who'll see me
When I can't see through the mirror
When the image is all wrong
And I still need to be thinner

I want someone who'll watch me
Put an extra scoop on my plate
Who'll make sure I eat the food
And keep down what I ate

I want someone who'll hide me
From society's expectations
And wrap themselves around me
Block the accusations

I want someone who'll hold my hand
Who'll hold me through the night
Who'll make me feel safe and at home
Someone who'll treat me right

It is dark and beautiful here
The people bleed black rivers
The ground is a golden sore
Festering blue pus

There are shelves and shelves
Shelves filled with files
Some black, some red
Some a vertigo of emotion and color

There are spaces, where files used to be
Where the trauma has been erased
There are flimsy files
Where the trauma has been overwritten

In this beautiful, dark place
There is chaos.
There is no silence
There is no peace

There are two holes
They show something normal
These holes look to a limb
The limb bleeds red

There is silence here.
The limb bleeds after the silver
And there is blissful silence
Until the chaos returns

And so we must repeat.

It's been a long while
Since you last tried to die
So you fixed the distance
And you said "Hi"

And the conversation was fond
The words tinged with familiarity
The word 'love' used heavily
Every letter soaked in nostalgia

You replied so awkwardly
And you searched for what to say
But everything had been said by saying nothing
Small talk, frivolous conversation to lead you home

Yet you are so hopeful, so ready to begin again
And you try, I try, we try to find what we were
And we use the word 'love' heavily
Because there may be no time left, though we hope

And so this poem is for you
You who I am so fond of in my awkwardness
So hopeful in our frivolous, little talks
As we speak heavily of love

I like your personality
I like the way you smirk
I like the way you dance
I like your little, cute quirks

But I like your body more
I'm a shallow, callous girl
I like the way you move
Won't you take me for a twirl?

I like those body rolls
I like the way you sway
I like the way you gyrate
God, I ******* crave

The body
Your body
Your abs are so illegal
The body
Your body
That voice you have is lethal

I want you to rock me
Don't cuddle me
This isn't a romance
I want to move through me
Use me
I want to dance

With your body
With you
With that smirk you have
Just us two

And this is how it goes
I want you to rock me
I'm a shallow, callous girl
And I'm attracted to your body.

Abigail is words, whispered in the dead of night
Abigail is pearls, so meticulously shined
Abigail is wind, personal yet public
Abigail is din, a beautiful ruckus

Bigail is books, every breath is a story
Bigail is gems, rich in her glory
Bigail is breeze, a soothing chill
Bigail is ease, with a bit of thrill

Igail is water, playful but cold
Igail is stormy, brewing and bold
Igail is calm, willing to wait
Igail is balm, soothing this place

Gail is half, fading quickly
Gail is worn, fragile and sickly
Gail is Earth, loving and warm
Gail is mirth, behind her thorns

Ail is sweet, and yet so sour
Ail is blood, of the hearts she devours
Ail is tears, as she turns to leave
Ail is fears, that she can't retrieve

Il is less, than sweet Abigail
Il is more, for she left a trail
Il is mad, raving lunatic
Il is bad, coughing and sick

L is tired, ready to go
L is crying, way down below
L is left, hanging by a thread
L is befret, the words she said

* * is nothing
There's nothing left of Abigail
No words left to whisper
Gone without a trail.

Every little sound.
Every person in sight.
Every shadow in a corner.
Every flicker of a light.

Heart starts racing.
Beating out of the chest.
Sweat down the temples.
Shaking like a wreck.

Tears down the face.
Running out of breath.
Mouth desert dry.
Mind so befret.

This is paranoia.
Every second of every day.
This is what I go through.
The fear that always stays.

This is paranoia.
The terror of simple life.
This is how the years will be lived.
Scared and riddled with strife.