I realize
That not all men
****

That not all men
Beat

That not all men
Brutalize

That not all men
Leave

That not all men
Are destructive

But it's enough men
For me to be scared
Of all men

Persecution your honour
I breathe guilt
I bred lies
My suicidal innocent where are you?
Why have you left me hanging?
Truth why have I neglected your malicious teachings?
Have I none left?
Every staggering lie truer than the next
Inert emotions turned me into a female canine i confess
I am your Delilah Samson
Cutting off your strength strand by strand  
Deceitful intent with every touch
Every kiss an Anaphylactic shock it may seem
Pray you say
Pray I said for I am the grim reaper herself
Dressed as an angel of life: A daemon I am
Wear that Armour Goliath
Because as tiny as David maybe he is still capable of turning you into a corpse
Dead!!
Hail oh hail, my sorrowful woes
Drift away from this shipwreck
I, a hypocrite the knight of terror...
Forgive me Lord for I have sin
The sin of lies rocks me on its back, sleepless horror, rescue him Lord
Truth, truth, truth ,truth repetition decays meaning
Floods of sorry cannot erode the stone shape hurt I have imposed upon your child
Toss and turn, toss and turn in Noah’s flood...ark left you broken down
Repent I shall....
Trembling earthquake, forgive myself?
My discerning limbic...
Be mindful, my feelings are a catalyst in this reaction...unchanged
Proven by my cryogenic heart
THE CRYOGENIC HEART WHICH TREMBLES IN THIS ARID CLIMATE
WHERE THE HEAT OF CARING DEFIES CRYOTHERAPY
A CLIMATE OF SORROWFULNESS, DECEIT  WHY???
UNFORTUNATELY THERE IS NO THERAPY
BECAUSE THE IDES ARE COME
SOON TO BE GONE MAYBE
HOWEVER YET TO BE UNDERSTOOD

THE LAST ONE TO KNOW

He smiles
in the mirror.

His reflection
does not smile back.

He raises his left hand.
His reflection does not.

He raises his right hand
and scratches his nose.

His reflection does not.

His reflections laughs.

He does not.

"I'm afraid you're dead!
his reflection tells him."

"Only you....
...don't know it yet!"

His reflections steps out of
the mirror

no longer made of glass
free to be whoever he wants to be

instead of being chained
to this human.

The reflection leaves.
Slams the door.

The body on the floor
does not even hear him

. . .go. . .

If I look pretty
They won't see the demons I hide

If I smile
They won't see the death in my eyes

If I laugh
They won't hear me cry out

If I act this way
They won't know I died last summer

I'll look alive
But in reality
I'm a walking, talking, corpse

I'm rotting from the inside
Im truly dying
I'm done fighting

I'm good at pretending
Pretending I'm strong
Pretending I'm happy
Pretending I'm fine
Pretending I matter

But in reality
None of its true
Because I died last summer
When my demons took over

So now I'm a corpse
Among the living
A zombie
A machine
Just going through the motions

The lights seem extra bright
Just like a spot light
As I stand alone
In the room

There are three of me
In one place
Moving in sync

But there is a forth presence
His hands trace up and down my arms
Sending chills down my spine

I turn to face him
But no one is there
Because I'm alone
Physically

He plays games in my mind
He's so real
I can feel him
Hear him
Almost see him

I stand alone
Completely exposed after trying a dress
The mirrors reflect me
Show me everything

His hands run over my body
Amplifying every flaw I have
Exposing my weaknesses

He destroys me
Tears me down
And leaves me for dead

I hold my breath
And bite my lip
To stop it from quivering
The tears can't come
Too many questions follow

Quickly I dress
But he still moves around me
In and out of my thoughts

He crushes the pillars of my mind
Slowly
Inflicting pain everywhere

He moves from me
To my boyfriend
Tearing at me

Telling me he doesn't love me
I'm too ugly
I'm fat
I'm pathetic

I can't block him out
Block out his sound
His voice
His words

They sound so real
So true
Sometimes I can't help but believe them

From the first kiss
And awkward embrace
To the last meaningful goodbye

You've stayed by my side
And loved me throughout
Even when I put you through Hell

I've pushed you away
And pulled you too close

I've been jealous
And angry
Bitter
And selfish

Yet you love me
Yet you care for me
You listen
And comfort me

You're my rock
You're my shelter
You're the breath in my lungs

You make me a better person
And a better Christian

You help me be sane
And see through the self hate
You love me
When I can't love myself

You accept me for me
All my hurt
And scars
And broken tendencies

You call me beautiful
Gorgeous
And ****

You build me up
When I tear myself down
You tell me you love me
When I'm nearly gone

What I'm trying to say is
You're my whole world
My love
My life

I love you baby
And I can't say it enough
Happy Anniversary

Time is the enemy
It's going to fast
The minutes rush past
And slip through my fingers

There is a suffocating silence
That surrounds us
We all know what's happening
But no one wants to say it
Because then it's true

I can't breath
I can't think
Tear after tear fall
I'm surprised I haven't run out

My heart is broken
And I can't fix it
Because she has half of it

Why did this happen
Why
Why
Why

So many questions
Not enough answers

Mama isn't going to make it
She's fought so hard
But she just couldn't win

I love you mama
Please don't go
Please stay here
With me

I took you for granted
All the moments I could have hugged you
Or kissed you
Or said I love you

I wish I could change it
I wish i could save you
I feel so helpless
So powerless
So...

Defeated

It wont be the same
Without you by my side
It won't be the same
With you holding half my heart

It's not fair
With the brain cancer
And kemo
How much you fought
It's not fair
That you still lost

I love you mama
I always will
You will forever hold
A place in my heart