Hope
What does that word even mean?
How am I supposed to have hope
In a world so broken
A world so
Hopeless

Pain
A word all too familiar
A word that is a part of me

Pain and hope
Cannot live side by side
They can not live together
In the same body

No matter how much I want to
Hope doesn't seem possible
Especially after being depressed
For almost two years straight

Maybe I am a hopeless case
Where pain always exists
And light is only a dream

Because this world is suffocating
With the standards
And sexualities
And expectations

I want to quit
I want to give up
I want to fall into nothingness

I don't want to live
I don't want to be in constant pain
I don't want to hardly breath

I don't know what to do
Because I hate this in between state
That I call life

I don't want to live
But I don't want to die
So where am I
What do you call this

How do I fix it
No amount of drugs seem to help
And I can't think straight
With these violent mood swings

I can't keep living like this
I can't keep fighting like this
It's exhausting
It's impossible

I'm lost
I'm broken
I'm hurting
I'm hopless
I'm pained

So what does hope mean?
How do I get it?
Does it even exist for me?
Does it exist at all.....?

You don't need a knife
Or a bat
Or a gun
To crush my heart

Your wicked smile
And maniacal laugh
Are enough to ******* me

How do you live
You heartless monster

You have a soul
Made of the coldest ice
There is nothing warm
About you Sir
It has all been frozen

You're like the Grinch
Rotten to the core
Except it's not just Christmas
It seems like everyday is a chore

You may be going down
All the way to Hell
But I'm not going down with you
Because I'm actually doing well

Happy
Sad
Manic
Depressed
Extatic
Suffocated

I'm on a thin line
Between it all
Walking on a fishing line
100 miles long

Some days it's easy
And I walk in a straight line
Other days I'm hanging by a finger
My feet and hands hurt
As it continually digs into my skin

I want to let go
I want to forget the pain
And fall into nothingness

But that's suicide

I've got people who love me
Screaming my name
With their arms wide open
On the other side of the line
They feel so close
Yet they are so far

Every time I get close
The line seems to grow
And almost every day
A new knot is in the line

It digs into my bare skin
Forcing me to cry out
But no one hears me
They're screaming too loud

I bleed and cry
But it's all in vain
Because I have to keep walking
On the thin, almost invisible, line

Every day is a battle
Every day I fight a war
Against myself
Against the world
Against the Devil
Against a lot of things

All while I walk on a fishing line

PTSD couldn't happen to me
It wasn't tramatic
You're being dramatic!

Flashbacks my ***
They're just haunting memories
That dance through my head
From time to time

Nightmares as clear as day
Please
I'm sure you're in dismay
But it's just a fiction
In my head

Aching heart
That's normal
A part of my life

Nauseas feeling
I must not have eaten enough with my medication

There he is
In a sea of noisy people
My heart is pounding
My palms are sweating
And my stomach is turned in knots

Shut up
You don't know what you're saying
Of course I'm not scared
I have nothing to be scared of

Why are my palms sweaty?
There are too many people
Why do I feel sick?
I'm really hungry

There is no possible way
I have what you say
For it wasn't tramatic
You just like to be dramatic

Your love
Is incomprehensible
Your sacrifice
Is massive
Especially
For a broken soul
Like mine

There you hung
In unimaginable pain
With spikes through your hands
And feet

Gravity pulled at you
Begging you to fall
Wanting you to collapse on the ground
But there you staid
With the muscles in your hands tearing
The bones grinding and crunching

You felt alone
As you hung there
With the bashing words
They spat at you

You could have come down
From the ******, hard cross
You didn't have to suffer
With blood in your eyes
And dried blood lacing your feet and hands

I imagine the wood was rough
Stabing you in the back and arms and legs
How did you do it

Only once did you cry out
Calling to your Father
Begging for our forgiveness

How could you do that
How did you not feel hate
Resentment
Anger
Towards the beings you were trying to save

What were you thinking
Did you feel all the sin
Of the imperfect human race
Of past, present, and future

Did you feel depression
Anger
Lust
Terror
Did the entire spectrum of human emotion run across your mind

Did you think of your mother
Or your father
Maybe you brothers and sisters
As you hung on the dried out tree

Did you think of the disciples
Of the one who sold you out
The one who disowned you
Did you feel anger towards them
Or pity

Did you want to scream out
Did you want to cry
Did the air in your lungs
Become forced
As your life slowed to a stop

When you died
Where did you go
Did you fall to Hell
To the hungry, firery flames

Did you continue to suffer
For me
For us
For the whole of humanity

What happened after death
When you were in the grips of Satan
Did he torture you
For three days

Where you finally relieved
When you rose from the dead
Or did you find annoyance instead
At the disbelief
Of mere humans

Did you lose your patience
Trying to help us
Understand your immaculate power

Were you upset
When you left the world
Especially knowing
How broken it is

Was it difficult to leave
When they all begged you to stay
When you knew of their pain
Of the trouble that lied ahead

It's uncomprehendable
To know what it was like
To understand why
You'd want to save humanity

Because humanity is destructive
Humanity is broken
Humanity is almost lost

Yet you choose to die for us
To save us
To protect us from the fires of Hell

I don't understand
Your desire to save us
To love us
To protect us

But thank you
Thank you for everything
Even if it doesn't make sense
And we don't deserve it
Thank you

Do you remember the jeep
Going for rides
With the top down
And music blarring

I sang at the top of my lungs
My hair blowing everywhere
Dancing in my seat
To Bonjovi
And Guns and Roses

We took the back roads
Absorbing the sunlight
I loved those moments
Bonding over music
That only you and I shared

Forgetting the rest of the world
Just you and me
No girlfriends
Or school
Or drama

Do you remember the White Sox game
My first baseball game
I don't remember who they played
Or who won

It was Rich and Felicia
You and me
I begged you for a hat
To remember the day

I still have it
It's hanging in my closet
By the clasps in back

It's getting old
And *****
I don't let people touch it
Not very often at least

It's an awesome memory
And people don't unserstand
What the hat means to me

Do you remember Six Flags
It was you and I
Rich and Felicia

I remember the long lines
And constant jokes
I remember waiting for superman
Nearly dying of laughter
From your stupid jokes

I was afraid
Afraid of its height
But I got on
With the three of you

It was a lot of fun
Even though I kept my eyes closed
The rush of the wind in my hair
My voice was hoarse
After screaming most of the time

I remember getting squid hats
Making funny faces for the camera
I remember getting to the front of that line

The raging bull
A large roller coaster
That I lost my nerve on
I felt bad because you wouldn't ride without me
But my fear overruled

Do you remember the sushi bar
Where I had sushi for the first time
It was an old place
And an odd experience
But one I don't regret

It felt strange
On my tounge and throat
But I enjoyed it

Learning about a different culture
From you
Something that stays between us
Something no one else can intrude on

So many memories I have
Of you and I
We don't talk much
Since I'm always busy

Sorry I'm not around much
Even though I'd like to be
Sometimes I feel out of place

But you still include me
With the family
In your life
Letting me know
That I'm welcome at any point

I love you dad
Even if I don't say it
You're stuck with me
Forever and eternity
Good memories are always there
With just you and me
Stuff I wont forget
Stuff I'll remember until I die

So here's a few
Of the things
That comes to mind
When I think of you

Happy Father's Day dad
I love you