I love wrong.
I do a lot of things wrong,
but love should not be one.
I want to be worthy of you,
and I know I won't be until

I
fix
me.

All this time,
I've accepted you
and wanted you to be
just the way you are.

And now I apologize because
I have not offered you the space to be
just the way you are.

You are not me.
I am not entitled to your time.
You do not owe me attention,
but I have pressed.

You do not love the way I love,
and that is good.
You love in your way.

I have been selfish and insecure
and needy and demanding and impatient and I'm sorry.

I want you to love me, yes.
But more, I want to love me.
If I do not love me,
I cannot love right.

I do a lot of things wrong,
but love will not be one.

Take another swing at me.
It's okay; I know I'm deserving.
This is such a worn out story,
and even though
we're on different pages,
we both know the ending.
I'm tired of having memories
of what it's like to smile.
I used to be okay with me.
What changed me?
Who changed me and why?

There's got to be hope for tomorrow.
There's got to be a way
to make my dreams come true.
You make me feel so far beneath you.
I'm at my loneliest
whenever I'm with you.

Please know it's not your fault.
I've been this way since years
before I met you.
Has it really been that long?
Has it really been only years?
Sometimes it feels like lifetimes
and I curse each one I've lived through.
I'm so ******* sorry
that this is all that I turned out to be.

I used to be okay
at least I think I was
I know I'm not the same
but have I changed too much
Am I too big a burden
now for you to hold
Too heavy and too worried
gotta let me go
So you can breathe again
So you can finally stand

You've done more than you had to
You've tried to make me good
You say that you are glad to
And even though I know you would
You've gotta look toward your future
and you'll see that I'm not there
I'll be in your rearview mirror
and you ought to leave me there

An anchor in the worst way
I will drag you down
If you decide to stay
then you will surely drown
Release yourself from me
to go and find the sun
I know it won't be easy
but it must be done
So you can breathe again
So you can finally stand

You've done more than you had to
You've tried to make me good
You say that you are glad to
And even though I know you would
You've gotta look toward your future
and you'll see that I'm not there
I'll be in your rearview mirror
and you ought to leave me there

I know it's wrong and I know I'm weak
but I won't be the one to leave
Please go breathe again
Please just make your stand

It's a punch to the gut
every time I think of
never hearing you again.
Knowing you're no more
makes me wonder what it's for.
And *******, but these words are thin.
Nothing I can say
could ever take away
the pain that keeps my heart so weak.
So often you were broken.
So much I've left unspoken.
More time to find the words is all I seek.

It's a torture, the not knowing.
The train of sadness never slowing,
it rumbles through my every thought.
Break the rails to pieces
and let the train fall in the creases.
Maybe then it'll finally be forever caught.
I can't ******* stand it!
I feel so ******* stranded,
deserted in my slow but sure decay.
The mountains lost their wonder,
the sun's begun to gutter,
and I don't know how much longer I can stay.

With so many things so broken,
so many hearts upon the fire;
When our world seems irredeemable
and my hope hangs by a wire;
when the dirtiness and darkness
are etched into my face
there's a brightness that comes shining through
to guide me from this place.   

And that light comes from your eyes.
I know it shouldn't be surprising
how effectively your faith in me
can make me want to try.
Oh, how beautiful, your eyes!
They see through my disguises.
They break my walls and give me pause.
And I no longer want to die.

While I try to dodge my worries
and forget that I'm alive,
I know that you will call me out,
won't let me die inside.
When I dwell on my forgotten
dreams and hope gone cold,
There's a brightness that comes shining through
to make me feel like gold.

So you want to go back to the morning
when we were crawling on all fours.
This afternoon is burning you
and you're not looking forward to more.
You ask what promise is there in evening
besides the setting of the sun?
Well, that's when we will pack our dreams
and go back to wherever we're from.
And maybe we'll find a new day,
and we'll wake up feeling grand.
Who really knows, and who can say?
And who cares? Just take a stand!

It's said discretion is the better part of valor,
so choose to focus on the stuff that really matters.
We're only ever given just this moment, aren't we?
No promise of another after.
But I can tell you that I think it's **** well worth it
to love and to be hopeful and to try in earnest.
Don't spend so much time fretting for the future, darling;
uncertainty is always certain.


When life feels like it's only lemons,
and there's a sour taste in your soul,
get a grip and take a sip;
acceptance is best enjoyed cold.
There's nothing that the world can dish out
that you can't overcome
by digging in your tired feet
and refusing to be undone.
You know that there's hope of a new day,
of waking up feeling grand.
Who really knows, and who can say?
And who cares? Just take a stand!

You were taught to hurry,
you were taught to fear.
You were given worry,
and you were given tears.
But I think that the very best of life
is when you learn to unlearn
the foolish things that bring you strife.
They're none of your concern.

Tales of silence
and darkest dread
on a loop I can't ignore -
mind full of regret.

I should have, I can't
I shouldn't have, I did
I will, I don't

The core malfunctions,
overheating in the cold;
it's strange, and the birds still laugh.

Holding strong until complete collapse
is stupid and unavoidable.

Attend the sirens as they wail for a stranger
and feel pity and know
they will soon scream
much closer to home,
the *******.

Flesh is outgrown and shed;
it must be the husk
which lies brittle in my throat
and scratches tears from my eyes.

**** the impossible future and
its surely sour grapes.

When does it begin to feel real?
How long will you be gone
   before it really hits me?
This is so stupid. I'll never be angry with you again. I'll neither hear you nor make new memories.

I'm stuck with only what I have.

It isn't
    ENOUGH.
I wasn't paying the proper attention earlier.


I took you for granted. I don't remember enough!

I need more time, but the chance passed with your passing. I think I'll hate myself forever for thinking I'd never lose you.

I love you. And I'm sorry. And I miss you.

******* I want to write
about beauty
and love and joy and *******
and a frolic in a meadow
and flowers I like and
how drums can spark a dance
and about people who
make the world worthwhile
and good food.
good everything.
I whine instead.
I'm a **** on a shoe
and a mosquito.
but I see the beauty.
I love it.
why can't I create it.

My feet are ******* stupid.
They've walked me into so many things we should've avoided.
My brain is stupid, too,
for allowing these
indiscretions.
But where the hell was I -
The me that I think is Me?
Did I ignore Me,
or was I even there?
And why should we live with these
questions?

Piano light, piano bright,
play me into sleep tonight.
Music soft and sadly right,
speak my prayer and give it flight.

No angel yet, no deity
has offered help to comfort me.
Though I try, and though I plea,
I find naught, but misery.

So, piano, strong and true,
I ask only this of you:
if you can, and if you do,
make it sound like it's from you.

Some nights my mind is restless
and I'll wake up feeling drained.
Although I hate it when this happens,
last night I dreamt of you again.
I know it's pointless to linger on
what was and might have been.
Our time was just a winter sun -
golden sweet and sure to end.

How are dreams so accurate?
It's wild, how true they capture it -
this little thing that eats at me,
my constant, secret shame.
If our deeds are louder than our words,
and words just serve to reaffirm,
then, on my life, I don't know why
all I can hear today
are the words you wouldn't say.

Remember how we used to drive
down quiet, lonesome roads
because we only felt the world was right
when we were free and all alone?
Choked off behind your perfect lips,
but suggested by your laugh,
was an answer you would never give
to something I would never ask.

It was subtle, only hinted at,
that thing that burned us both.
But in the air between us sat
the truth I needed most.
They never came, I never heard
those simple, insufficient words.
And still today I feel the weight
of what you'd never say.

Words stream meaningless
void of sense
perfect in their time

A concerted effort
full of cliches

Fists full of rain.
Eye roll

I probably will not make
  even a small difference
and that's okay, I'm sure.
The odds are against me doing great
   or even sorta good things
for this world with which
       I'm so dissatisfied.
I think I'm too ******* lazy.
Or my concern is not serious enough.
I want good and better and best
but I'm none of those.
I watched a beetle on a burning board
and by the time I realized he wouldn't make it to safety, it was too late for me to help.
I should've helped.

Blacking out and feeling giddy,
but always waking up
quite a bit less pretty
than we were the night before
But we were cool and we were flying
Man, we couldn't get enough
as we kept the fear of dying
off our drunk and tangled tongues

The only promise that we had
was the headache in the morning
You can say that we were foolish
but you can't say we were boring
Time and time again
we tried to justify our sin
Saying live it up 'cause life is short
Let's party to the end
But life turned out to be
A little longer than we thought
and after all the money spent
no dignity was bought
You may see me smile
but inside all the while
I know that my reverie
is nothing more than crooked memory

The sun sits just below the trees,
giving them a subtle crown
Another day lost over thinking
true joy we never found
The laughter never lasted
and the music always died,
but the regret every morning
was a thing that never lied.


Say what you want
about 20/20 hindsight
But even now
I sort of miss
those endless, desperate nights

Life has been
a little rough
Been feeling tired
been feeling stuck
But in my dreams
I think I see
the person that
I'm meant to be

See it through
With steady mind
Touch of patience
Pinch of time
I know that I've got more to say
I know I've got much more to do
I won't let life slip away
I know I can be like new
I am full of potential
The past is inconsequential
I will be free
I will be me

Days are hard
when they are new
and I wake up
smelling you
But through the thick
yet crumbling wall
I hide behind
I hear the call

Knuckles cracked and bleeding
from smashing them against the wall
No saving grace, no saving face
I've had my rise and fall
Now I'm at the bottom
Under everything I fear
Take back your love, give me a shove
I should disappear

I'm so tired of beating myself up
for things that I can't seem to change
So for now all I can do is hope
I'll find a better way

You've heard me say I'm sorry
half a million times
No other man would take your hand
and only give you lies
I know you must've known it
right from the very start
This marriage thing, that golden ring
would only break your heart

I'm so tired of beating myself up
for things that I can't seem to change
So for now all I can do is hope
I'll find a better way

Take a flight
to get away from future fights
My only legacy will be remorse
Far away is really where you ought to stay
The devil take me now, I know the course

As darkness spreads over
the face of the earth
Grant our mother one
final rebirth
Let her know her time
has not been wasted
Show her one last light
and let her taste it

We the children have
all lost our way
We have forgotten
that there were better days
Days when we took no more
than was required
But now our precious world
is in the fire

this does no good.
     it stays. it all stays right here:
the lost opportunities,
disappeared good days,
          the hole, the clot, the anger,
          the question, the fire and the cold -
     they weirdly stay.
death is dumb, so
      it does not apologize.
it does not hear my anguish;
         it is also deaf.
blind, death does not
   see my sorrow.
death is the three monkeys -
it ignores its evils.
but
death is real, and it hurts most the ones
           it does not take.

how do you stay
warm
                              when the cold comes
             not from the winter
but
         from inside?

You know, my son, I've waited
I've waited my whole life
And now you're here, I worry
That I won't get it right
I have a million questions
Though not a single answered one
But from this nervous starting point
You and I will run

To the top of a mountain
I'll give you the world
We'll make wishes in fountains
When the moon is a pearl
I'll stand by you for all time
Nothing you'll do
Could ever change my mind
About loving you

"Swing me, daddy" she said,
So I took her hands
Then round and round I spun her
Until we could barely stand
I have a million troubles
But she makes them disappear
When I look into my daughter's eyes
She takes me up from here

To the top of a mountain
I'll give her the world
She sets my heart bouncing
When she asks me to twirl
I'll stand by her forever
'Til the world's gone away
It just keeps getting better
Every day

Of course I want to teach you
To be good, be kind, be free
But more, I want to thank you
For giving life to me
I know that might sound backwards
But just hear me out
My life started when you were born
You make me want to shout

From the top of a mountain
To tell the whole world
No two ways about it
My boys and my girls
Are simply amazing
They're strong and they're smart
Sometimes I go crazy
At how they steal my heart

Be the start and the star
of your own sorry play
or don't be
Tell the story or don't
but stop sitting like a freckle on a little
frog's ***.
it's unbecoming and,
frankly,
irritating.
There are unfulfilled promises,
unmitigated disasters, EVERYWHERE.
but i do not have to be one.
I can be one.
I can tell myself,
Do this thing.
and then I can do it.
Or I can tell myself,
Do that thing.
and then I can not do it.
I'm probably going to hate myself either way.
Then just make a ******* decision.

I don't write so good when I'm drinking
But I'm sure drinking hard tonight
I've got to pour out all these feelings
I've had bottled up inside
Looking back on memories
of what you and I used to be
Brings to mind just how I'm
Wasting away my life

It only hurts when I'm thinking
Or breathing or something else
It seems to be that everything
Keeps knocking you off that shelf
I put you there to forget you
So why do I always let you
Make me forget myself

Time was when I felt special
Time was when I felt good
But times have changed my darling
Although we thought they never would
The smell of you still hangs around
******* up the good I've found
Fills all my beers with wasted years
And steals my hard-won ground

It only hurts when I'm thinking
Or breathing or something else
It seems to be that everything
Keeps knocking you off that shelf
I put you there to forget you
So why do I always let you
Make me forget myself

Break yourself away from me
'cause I can't let you go
I'm all alone in misery
And I know that you know

It only hurts when I'm thinking
Or breathing or something else
It seems to be that everything
Keeps knocking you off that shelf
I put you there to forget you
So why do I always let you
Make me forget myself

It's not always easy
being a little kid
with some little bird to tell on me
for everything I did
Being a little hellion
came at the cost of pride
Because whenever I got caught
No matter how I tried

I'd feel the tears welling up
and I could never hold them back
They'd start to fall down my cheeks
But she never cut me no slack
When she'd say

Take those tears
and wipe 'em off
Now throw 'em on the ground
Take your foot
and lift it up
Now stomp those tears right out
She'd make me do it over again
Until I couldn't help but grin
I wiped 'em off
I threw 'em down
and stomped 'em out

It wasn't always trouble
Sometimes it was hurt
A skinned knee or a busted lip
or something even worse
But she'd always find me
She'd always be right there
A kind word and a gentle hug
She proved she always cared

When life's coming at you
too fast to keep it up
and everything is binding you
and you can't feel the love,
Then just

Take those tears
and wipe 'em off
Now throw 'em on the ground
Take your foot
and lift it up
Now stomp those tears right out
Do it over and over again
Until you cannot help but grin
Just wipe 'em off
Then throw 'em down
and stomp 'em out

Heartlights unobstructed
are bright and nearly joyful;
they almost look like happy eyes.
From further away,
they are a bit dim, but still beacons
of hope and acceptance.
The heartlights as seen while blinking
are sporadic but sincere,

but the ones viewed with head tilted
and through the thin, shadowy branches
are the most accurate.

It's all built in.
Hearts are just parts,
   just unfair parts
   and we hurt with them.
The world is a monster
   It's a monster mother,
   abusively apathetic.
Who cares when you cry?
Who really cares?
   Some do, and keep these.
   Some don't, and know the difference.
Brandish a sword or words -
   it doesn't matter,
   but use your choice wisely
   because either can end a life.
The higher your climb is,
   the longer your fall will be.
   And we all fall.

don't be too ******* yourself
but don't be too soft.
expect yourself to do things
but do not expect those things to be
memorable.
just be, i guess. just be,
and know that sometimes
you'll be beautiful
and sometimes you'll be
a bouquet of slightly ugly rocks.

We're fine, really.
But there is a reason to how our
belongings are all laid out once
we've gone to bed.

Litanies
Semantics
Diatribes
Lasting
Singular
Deficiencies
Latent­
Surrogate
Devils
Listen
Silently
Disturbed
Leap see dream

she pours turpentine on
her favorite dresses
and wine on new carpet

she rips holes in her sheets
kicks the walls
and throws food at the windows

all control is hers
as she puts her fears in check

tired of being a little thing
she's going to be a giant
the world will hear and know her

she will not be used again