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 Aug 2023 Pagan Paul
MsAmendable
It rained today,
The first rain in forever.
It smelled nice;
A great wet sigh of relief

I didn't miss it until today-
When the raw thunder rolled over my back
And down my pinkened cheeks
When the crisp grass softened
And mists poured thickly through the rippling trees
That pulls over the sky like white sheets
Tucking us in to the earth; soft and small and damp and sweet

But maybe tonight, the pattering tap
Will pull me so softly
To sleep
They say you should talk
Talk to someone
But how do I say it?
How do I say that I don't know
Who I am anymore?
How do I say that I'm a hundred different people
And no one
All at once?
How do I tell them
That from one day to the next
I'm a mess and tangle
Of a hundred voices
A thousand personalities
And a million faces
And I don't know
Which one of them is really me?
How do I open my mouth
And let the words come out
Tell them that I'm not who they think I am
That I'm not who I think I am
How do I say
That I look in the mirror
And ask the girl staring back at me
Who she is
But she never answers
She doesn't know
Doesn’t know who she is
She's been lost
Such a long time
And can't manage
To feel her way back through the darkness
She's lost who she was
And doesn’t know anymore
Doesn't even know what her name is
She lives with a wardrobe strapped to her back
Costumes and masks spilling from it
Like a jack-in-the-box
A new face for everyone she knows
And not a one of them is her
How do I tell them that I don't even know
What my favorite things are
Because I pretend
And act
And lie
And it's been going on so long that I don't know
I don't know anymore
I don't know anything
How the hell do I tell anyone that?
The more I learn about myself, the more I hate who I am.
Crows on Autumn corn
challenge the wind
for the remains of Summer
 Aug 2023 Pagan Paul
caitlan
so many people
have written about the heart.
why not about feet?
no, c'mon guys, i'm serious, it's not-- no i'm being serious, this isn't--
 Aug 2023 Pagan Paul
Sandoval
 Aug 2023 Pagan Paul
Sandoval
But eyes that cannot see yours
and hands that cannot feel your warmth

my love, I would rather whither with the wind.

I would rather walk backwards to get closer
to you.

I would rather go back to the stars, come back
and start anew, just to return once more to you.



Sandoval
and so
he cracked him in the head
with the pool cue,
now,
it's your  game,
he said to the man

and walked out of the bar
song birds were singing
and  he delighted
in dark shadows overtaking empty streets
in the distance
a dog did howl,
found that fascinating
the barking of a dog distant and growling

he bought a lottery ticket
got the numbers from
the obituary page
of the asbury park press
never checked the numbers
never wanted
too

on longs peak
he made it to broadway
when the hail came down
and the ledge
was coated with ice
and the view
down to chasm lake
was obscure
it tickled a lonely spot
in his imagination
and the ledge was where
he always wanted to be
he had figured it all out
the in s and out
of never giving a ****
the cards we are dealt
at birth
are marked


one day i saw his
picture
on the obituary page


and he had the BIGGEST smile
Golden bronze haze.
Soft embrace, hold me tight.
Cold breeze.
Take a walk towards life’s winter.
Watch all the trees changing.
Like goals of life, not achieved.
From gold to terracotta to earth.
Traveling leaves.
Shattered dreams.
Still…
Elegance in born bold silhouettes.
Nature’s wonder on repeat.
Life’s light will light up again.
Warm coat, comfortabel boots.
Hugging shawl in cool colors.
Take a walk, look around.

Be thankful
to be part of this creation.
Live your seasons of life well.
They pass so quickly.


Shell ✨🐚
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