You handcuff me to you
and hover over me,
waiting for me to make a mistake
so you can correct me and say
"I told you so."

You love me too much.
I hate you for that.
Most kids my age grew up without
both parents by their side
and make sure to remind me of
how lucky I am.
How they have it worse.

But do they have an alcoholic, abusive dad?
Do they have to stress
because they're held to a higher standard
than everyone else?
Do they have to sit out from every social event
because their parents are afraid that if they
give them a leash they'll take mile?

Maybe I'm just an ungrateful spoiled brat
or maybe they just don't wanna believe
that the grass isn't always greener
on the other side.

Thoughts are loud,
voice is quiet.
I'd do anything
to break this silence.
Except speak.
Because my thoughts get tangled,
my words sound mangled,
and then I end up sounding like an idiot
who can't even remember their own name.
And who is to blame?
My anxiety!!!

No one ever listened
to what she had to say,
but they liked the way
her words sounded on the page

I wish there was a parallel universe
where I could have you.
Where I could wake up next to you
and be the happiest person alive.
Where you and I could be together
out on the town, the night lights
radiating your imperfections that
I've come to love so much.
Where I could sit you down
to meet my parents
and see their faces shining with pride
because their daughter is dating someone
rich in love instead of wealth.
Where we could hold hands
and walk down the street
without the world telling us we're wrong.

I know I would find it fun to live a different life,
but really I just wish there was a parallel universe
so that I could make you happy.

Have you ever betrayed someone's trust,
felt like your heart just slammed
into your stomach because you
just did the unthinkable?

Did you apologize
and then a little later
betray that person's trust again
because you're so **** selfish
you couldn't even begin to fathom
how your actions might affect
the person you say you love?

I am one of those people.
I have no boundaries.
I'd do anything to fulfill
the empty feelings inside of me
that only another can fill.

And no I won't turn to you for things.
I'll go to your best friend,
or someone who has a girlfriend,
someone who gives me the attention
I need in the moment
because I always forget
that the word consequences exists.

I no longer have a moral compass
I can't even trust myself
or look at myself
in the mirror each morning.
Because If can't even keep
my promises to myself
how am I supposed to keep
my promises to you?

You were an array of red flags
that challenged me at every twist and turn.
You declared war on the weak and wounded
who did nothing to you in return.

Eventually I threw up the white flag
and surrendered myself to you.
I succumbed myself to a prison
I didn't commit any crimes to get into.

Stay in bed
give up on life
shower in dread
never thrive
keep a frown
roll your eyes
and always drown
in your cries

Or you could live
find a smile
forget the sin
swallow the bile
look at the best
instead of the worst
know your blessed
to outlive this curse

I started growing my hair out when I met you.
The strands that had once curled under my chin
are freely flowing down my back.

My hair twists and tangles,
gets bushy before I can even blink
there's never a time I'm not running a brush through it.

I've hated the feeling of long hair ever since I was little,
snatching the scissors whenever I saw so much as a split end.
I shouldn't have let it linger this long.

But I like the way you play with my silky strands,
the way you smiled that one time you told me it was pretty,
the way you brush it out of my face before you kiss me

I started growing my hair out when I met you,
and just like my hair
my love for you will never stop growing

our clothes flung to the floor
my bedsheets rumpled
our hearts racing
my hands shaking

Our bodies intertwined
his voice soft
our awkward laughs
his hungry gaze

our fumbling fingers
my hushed moans
our love shining
his beautiful smile

When you broke up with me
I would listen to Olivia Rodrigo on repeat.
I listened to her lyrics
as if they were the Bible
because she was the only one
who knew what I was feeling.
And though I've moved on,
hearing her songs still bring me to tears
because my heart still remembers
the way my voice rose
when I begged for you back
over and
over and
over again.
My heart still remembers the days
I was too afraid to face my friends
who wanted you dead
or the nights I spent crying
because you weren't there to comfort me.
And even though you've told yourself to forget
those times we tenderly shared,
I know my heart will always remember.
Because I will always play those same **** songs
over and
over and
over again.

I confessed my love
but you gave me a shove
and told me I was stupid
for believing in cupid

You make my heart soar
but to you I'm a bore
I'd only be a chore
If I were yours

But I know that it's fate!
your heart I will take
you'll love me one day

Even if its fake...

She is the sun
the warmth that brings life
the smile that comes to your face
when you think about summer

Everyone wants to be around her
to bathe in her radiant rays
they'll grunt and groan when she has to move
over to make room for the moon

I am the moon
The villain who steals the spotlight from the sun
whenever I come out people slam their doors in my face
and hide inside with their eyes closed all night

And just like we'll never share the same sky
I know we'll never see eye to eye
I'll always be in her shadow, the absence of all light
we've been in this battle since the beginning of time

The sun she can burn you
if you hang out with her for too long
if you admire her too much
her beauty will behold you blind

And I know I don't shine
as bright as the sun
And I know my glimmer is only mildly appreciated
when surrounded by a sea of shimmering stars

But the stars are just too out of reach
for me to hold in my hands
and whenever I look down at the ground
the people on the streets are spread too far and too few

I'll be waiting high in the sky for the few night owls
who need some fresh air and can't sleep
I'll be there for anyone who needs to give their burns a break
and stay out of the sun's harmful rays

She cries herself to sleep every night,
shivering under the covers, trying to fight
the demons that haunt her dreams.
Yet to others everything isn't as it seems.
A smile stretched across her round face,
pushes everyone's suspicions away.

She wishes she could push away the demons
the same way she pushes away her feelings.

Emotional abuse doesn't consist of
bruised skin or broken bones but
that doesn't mean it hurts any less.
If anything it hurts more.
bruises, though ugly, will heal.
broken bones, though painful, will mend.
I will always carry scars under my skin,
on my heart
in my mind.
My brain will forever
crave to be called names
because you've done it for so long.
I will always think that I deserve
to be punished,
that I'll never deserve to be loved.
These thoughts follow me
throughout my day and
haunt me in me in my sleep.
Your physical scabs will heal
But my emotional scars will not.
I will never be able to
run away from my thoughts
unless I chase them with a bullet.

I've been kicked to the curb
it doesn't hurt
or so I've told myself

My mental health
hides with stealth
It's all just in my head

I go to bed
seeing red
It'll all be better tomorrow

***** my sorrow
all I do is whine
I'm totally fine

Or so  I've told myself

It's time for The Day and The Night
to finally fight
for their spot in the sky.
One will have to say goodbye
because their's not enough room
for them both to loom.

The Day wants the people to dance
all day and to prance
through their lives with unwavering smiles
that stretch for miles,
for them to take control of their lives
and squash the strife that follows life,
while The Night wants to spread good dreams
that won't fall apart at the seams,
because waking brings reality
and a feeling of mortality
that lies in the eye bags of the world
and haunts each boy and girl.

They both believe that they're too different,
that they are incapable of seeing the magnificence
in the other that the world sees in them both each day,
because the truth, deep down, makes them afraid.
And though their their similarities may seem far,
the sun is also a star.

You ripped my heart out of my chest,
robbed me of the one thing I had left.
You sealed my heart in a jar
and hung it up high like the stars.

But, no, mine isn't the only one you've taken.
I've forgotten about all the other girls you've shaken,
who over the years you've teased and toyed with.
I guess it really wasn't just a myth...

You never leave my dreams
no matter where you are
when I'm awake.

I always see you're smiling face
or your brow furrowed in anger
when my dreams are in danger
of turning into a nightmare.

But I'm never scared
because you're always there.

Even if it's just for a split second,
a wave my way
instantly puts my mind at ease
like a baby being rocked to sleep.

But now you're no longer there...

I'm aware that, in reality, you never cared,
but in my dreams, it seemed,
with each hug and hasty shout,
that I was all you ever cared about.

But now even that version of you is gone too,
slowly being replaced by her
even though many months felt like a blur.

I've realized she's the girl I love
and that I have nothing to be ashamed of,
but I still want to cry myself to sleep
even though you'll no longer be
in my dreams to comfort me...

The poet's eyes
are just like everyone else's,
but in front of those eyes
are a pair of rose tinted glasses.

I want to be famous
so I can escape this deadbeat town,
full of people who buzz like bees
and spread rumors like honey.
I want to leave this town
so I can leave you behind
like last week's trash,
and be free from the chains
and teeth that gnash.
I want to leave you behind
so I can bloom bright and beautiful.
Because when you're around
the only thing I can do is drown.

Over the years you've
played with my heartstrings,
pulled them taught,
became my puppeteer.
I tried to convince myself
that I didn't need you,
that I would be happier
without your harsh words
or controlling nature.
But without you I lay in a lifeless heap
unused
unloved
umimportant
Because you're he only one who sees me
even if It's just for my body
instead of my brain.
And even if I never know what love feels like
I'll at least  feel the tension from the strings
tearing me away
when I try to follow my own path.
Because if I've learned anything
pain feels better than feeling nothing at all.

It's always 1 step forward
and 3 steps back with you.
Right when I start to think
things are better between us,
you make me realize we were just
stuck in the honeymoon phase again.

I'm never the first one to say 'I love you,'
but at least you're the last thing I think about
before I fall asleep.

I hate that it's true
but I really miss you
I know I said we're through,
that I'm better off without your abuse,
that I hate whenever you blow a fuse

But sometimes people get lonely
that even though I'll say "I hate you!" coldly
deep down I want you back

Every day I have a panic attack
because you're not around
because I'll never hear the sound
of your soft voice ever
again reassuring me that we'll always be together
Forever

You peeled back your layers
to reveal bloodied bone and muscle,
but no matter how hard I looked
I only saw a scared little boy.

I'm a terrible poet
and I know it
I'll never show it
but I know I've blown it

I gave you my virginity,
gave you the deepest part of me.
And though I thought it made us closer,
you told me it was over.

I had been saving it for someone
who I thought I could love,
but that person wasn't you.
I was just too stupid to see the truth.

Someone who loves you
doesn't keep you around to be used,
someone who loves you
doesn't leave you alone and blue.

We weren't good together.
I now know that I deserve better.

I'll never be able
to count the stars in the sky,
just like I'll never be able
to make you love me.
I would sell my soul
and spend an eternity in hell
just to spend a single second with you
in your arms
in your head
in your heart
Sometimes I wish I could
cast a spell on you
and make you love me
so that you could be
in my brain
in my body
in my life
But I know no matter how often
I open my eyes
the only place we'll ever be together
is inside my mind.

Always lying
Slowly dying
Still crying
Quickly sighing
Never trying

My life is over
I'm sober
but I have nothing to show for it

I know longer try
to die
but it doesn't mean I'm happy

I just want you
I'm blue
but you've already stopped listening

The sky is falling
I'm bawling
but your arms feel so hollow

I've cleaned up my act
please take me back
I'll do anything

I could stare in the mirror for hours
but not because I'm pretty
or think I am
I wonder how people perceive me
if they truly think my smile
is real
I wonder if people can see through
the walls I've had up
since elementary
I wonder if people can see the ropes
my parents try so hard
to bind me in
I wonder if people think I'm crazy
when I walk through the halls
talking to thin air.
I wonder if people can see how hard
I try to not look like
everyone else
I wonder if he knows that I love him
but only ever as
a brother
I wonder if I will ever see myself
as anything more than
a fake

The first breath
Of beautiful death!

Oh how I crave
To be in a grave!

Its my destiny
To rest-in-peace!

It doesn't matter how I put it.
Would it?

Because know matter how
I write it down
I'll still be found
in the ground

There's a hole in my soul
that a needle and thread can't fix
theirs a broken heart
that duct tape won't put back together

I'd thought you were my super glue,
the hero to come to my rescue,
but it turns out you're the one who tore
my heart more than the boy before

Standing on the bus stop
waiting for what seems like one infinite minute,
the wind holding its breath

I lift my head up
foot tapping a rhythm,
a distraction from your figure
growing with each step

"Hi," he says.

And the silence stretches like taffy

I'm looking down at the cement,
seeing the way the midmorning light
makes our shadows look like they're
touching,
nearly attached at the waist

I wish we could do the same with our bodies

"Hey," I finally reply
but what I really wanted to say was
"I love you."

I want to sneak a peek at you,
see the ends of your chocolate brown hair
tickling your right eyelid,
see your eyes of teal
meeting mine

But I'm forced to stay focused on the shadows
knowing this is the closest we will ever come
to being close again

My first poetry slam left me feeling empty.
Burdened.
As if I were holding everyone’s feelings in the palms of my hands.

My teacher read with a straight face,
her voice as dry as sand.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The poems were anonymous but some of them
I was sure would earn a kid or two a call home,
sounding like a cry for help or suicide threat.

And even though we were just a high school class
some kids wrote with a brushstroke of color,
sure to one day be an aspiring author.

But me, my writing was beige
quick and to the point without much room for one to ponder
a poem or two about unrequited love that the kids called
"Cute”.

But that day as I walked out
I didn’t feel cute or cool or even creative.
I felt a weight on my shoulders,
heavier than even the textbooks in my backpack
I felt burdened

I have come back to poetry
because in the end, it's the only one
who really knows me
  
It won't shun me if I leave it
won't whimper or even whine
instead it will be waiting
To comfort me till I'm fine

And late at night we'll sit
together toasting my return
we'll celebrate old rhymes
and all the things we've learned

Quiet and tearfully
hidden mental health
loud and cheerfully
numbing myself

I know I'm depressed
I admit
I'm always stressed
when trying to ignore it

Tightening tension
inside the bearer of
that I can't even mention
to the one I think I love

You ask how a panic
attack will come in
and then turn manic
all so scarily sudden

You say I can talk to you
forever at my aid
That this burdening blue
will some day fade

Oh but it lingers
still It billows
when curling my fingers
deep in my pillow

But I won't ever tell
you that when it's late
how my mind will yell
out with hate

I can't trust
anyone kind
can't cause a fuss
must keep this inside

It's not like you can help
me endeavor
the feelings I've felt
since forever

I was standing under the lights
my palms laced with sweat
wanting to run and take flight
back to stage left.

but through the sea of faces
our eyes so happen to meet,
and in at that moment, of all places,
I’m a ball of burning heat.

Old memories blur my vision
of us playing tag at recess
of sitting in front of the television
of the love I never confessed.

I begin to tap my feet
and like always I dance the tune
my heart a rhythmic beat
for no one else but you