I could stare in the mirror for hours
but not because I'm pretty
or think I am
I wonder how people perceive me
if they truly think my smile
is real
I wonder if people can see through
the walls I've had up
since elementary
I wonder if people can see the ropes
my parents try so hard
to bind me in
I wonder if people think I'm crazy
when I walk through the halls
talking to thin air.
I wonder if people can see how hard
I try to not look like
everyone else
I wonder if he knows that I love him
but only ever as
a brother
I wonder if I will ever see myself
as anything more than
a fake

I've been kicked to the curb
it doesn't hurt
or so I've told myself

My mental health
hides with stealth
It's all just in my head

I go to bed
seeing red
It'll all be better tomorrow

***** my sorrow
all I do is whine
I'm totally fine

Or so  I've told myself

I'm never the first one to say 'I love you,'
but at least you're the last thing I think about
before I fall asleep.

My first poetry slam left me feeling empty.
Burdened.
As if I were holding everyone’s feelings in the palms of my hands.

My teacher read with a straight face,
her voice as dry as sand.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

The poems were anonymous but some of them
I was sure would earn a kid or two a call home,
sounding like a cry for help or suicide threat.

And even though we were just a high school class
some kids wrote with a brushstroke of color,
sure to one day be an aspiring author.

But me, my writing was beige
quick and to the point without much room for one to ponder
a poem or two about unrequited love that the kids called
"Cute”.

But that day as I walked out
I didn’t feel cute or cool or even creative.
I felt a weight on my shoulders,
heavier than even the textbooks in my backpack
I felt burdened

A ngelic hair forms a halo on her head
S apphire eyes reading my soul
T insel wings strapped to her back
O nly the two of us in this heaven
N othing but the cotton candy clouds
I mpressionist's world
S oothing sound as she sings
H ow in the hell did I get here?

I was standing under the lights
my palms laced with sweat
wanting to run and take flight
back to stage left.

but through the sea of faces
our eyes so happen to meet,
and in at that moment, of all places,
I’m a ball of burning heat.

Old memories blur my vision
of us playing tag at recess
of sitting in front of the television
of the love I never confessed.

I begin to tap my feet
and like always I dance the tune
my heart a rhythmic beat
for no one else but you

Standing on the bus stop
waiting for what seems like one infinite minute,
the wind holding its breath

I lift my head up
foot tapping a rhythm,
a distraction from your figure
growing with each step

"Hi," he says.

And the silence stretches like taffy

I'm looking down at the cement,
seeing the way the midmorning light
makes our shadows look like they're
touching,
nearly attached at the waist

I wish we could do the same with our bodies

"Hey," I finally reply
but what I really wanted to say was
"I love you."

I want to sneak a peek at you,
see the ends of your chocolate brown hair
tickling your right eyelid,
see your eyes of teal
meeting mine

But I'm forced to stay focused on the shadows
knowing this is the closest we will ever come
to being close again

I'm a terrible poet
and I know it
I'll never show it
but I know I've blown it

I thought for sure the weight had been lifted
that I would finally be able to hold
the breath in my lungs,
the food in my stomach,
and the thoughts in my head

except now I'm smothered
breath panicky and restrained
food filed in the trash
thoughts spinning spider's webs

was it the barbed fangs
or the spear-like horns
that drove you away from me?
was it the painted smile
and delayed laughter?

then my head was diluted with worries,
laced with lies,
high on just the mere idea of you

and now there's this void
swirling in my stomach,
the same infinitely expanding blackhole
that my science teacher said
devoured all light

Maybe I'm more of a monster these days,
being viewed by spectators
through tunneled vision

or maybe, for once,
what I'm seeing in the mirror is the ever so faint
outline of a human...

Quiet and tearfully
hidden mental health
loud and cheerfully
numbing myself

I know I'm depressed
I admit
I'm always stressed
when trying to ignore it

Tightening tension
inside the bearer of
that I can't even mention
to the one I think I love

You ask how a panic
attack will come in
and then turn manic
all so scarily sudden

You say I can talk to you
forever at my aid
That this burdening blue
will some day fade

Oh but it lingers
still It billows
when curling my fingers
deep in my pillow

But I won't ever tell
you that when it's late
how my mind will yell
out with hate

I can't trust
anyone kind
can't cause a fuss
must keep this inside

It's not like you can help
me endeavor
the feelings I've felt
since forever

I wear my own jacket
so no guy will ever
offer me theirs

I buy my own chocolates
so I know what
I'm gonna get

I look in the mirror
so I can tell myself
that I'm beautiful

I grow my own roses
so I can't be pricked
by their thorns

I only love myself
so my heart
can never be broken

The writing off of my secrets
that make my heart race
when I whisper them aloud

The words leaping out of my mind
and onto crumpled paper
giving a graceful pirouette

And they grin at me
so ever warm and welcoming
telling me I am not alone in this

For days I read them over and over
to grasp the feelings of this other person
who I may or may not be anymore

And when I'm finished I crease the edges
into an origami bird
hold it up and set it free

The words fluttering away on the breeze
along with my problems
secrets no longer

Face of cracked stone
eyes hollowed and black
hands relaxed into fists
lips tugged down into frown

she feels nothing
nothing at all

Yet a single dewdrop is slick
shined from the night time grass
playing with the corner of her eye
before slow-motion sliding down her face

Yet she feels nothing
nothing at all

I can't do this
I can't block her out
I can't ignore what could just be a rumor
I can't stay silent
I cant

Please don't leave me
please just listen
please deny what they say
please just believe me
please

I'll learn to love you
I'll learn to not stray
I'll learn to like guys
I'll learn from my mistakes
I'll learn

I will be honest
I will stay with you
I will let you own me
I will make myself be happy
I will

I promise

You are a hued rainbow of stars
hotter than a blue Virgo flame
though to the naked eye
you appear to be lilac
just as identical to the others
never shining any brighter

Yet I know the truth
I can see the spectrum
visualize what others cannot fathom
know you're brighter than Polaris
guiding my ship to your shore
and into the hollowness of your arms

her voice has risen
deep and heartbroken
notes spread out so thick
they sound imprisoned

when harmonized with another
its offbeat and dragging
when by itself
its a mournful smother

yet I sit and listen
heaviness in my chest
what is behind those bright eyes
that I've been missing?

I used to feel something
I swear I did
when I was in your arms
a beaming bright kid

but you push me away
without even realizing it
I feel like a ghost
I feel like ending it

but then I can't leave
you know I won't
my heart it aches
it cannot be alone

I crave any touch
even if it burns
I'll only draw nearer
the more that it hurts

sixth-period algebra
front row
left side seat
brown hair
black glasses
bright smile

Did you know?

that she sat next to you
the whole year

Did you know?

about the hidden moments we
were together

Did you know?

how her hand fit
with mine

Did you know?

that I sometimes wish I were with her
instead of you

You didn't know?!

well now you do

my hands are tiny
scrawny and warm
with a freckled right hand
and sawed-off fingernails

your hands are big
full yet cold
with a circling thumb
and fingertips of lightning

your left hand fits
with my right
sending icy shivers
down my spine

while your right hand
holds me down,
stops my breathing
and all sound

I love you
And you love me
but I know
that we will never be

I love her
but she doesn't love me
yet she's so tempting
in my dreams

It's so hard to be faithful to you
when you run off
I want the old you back
I had once come across

we are a tangle of legs
and a knot of arms
two puzzle pieces snapped together
against the lockers

your breath fades to rhythm
our heads fallen together
but mine speeds up
nostrils noisily flaring with each breath

I'm afraid of loving something so beautiful
and I hate that to society its
a beauty only his mother and I
could ever love
and I'm afraid you'll change your mind
because no one in my life has
called me beautiful
ever
not until you did

The whole school hates me
"She's a *****," your friend said
to be honest I thought you'd agree
with him
with everyone
but you didn't

I'm transfixed on the way our heads fit together
yours against mine
and how you sigh a whispered
I love you
for only me to hear
so that when the bell rings I'm smiling
no, we're smiling
like complete and utter dorks
the two puzzle pieces
separated
only to snap back together again
tomorrow

I want more than just your hand
thumb rubbing circles over my calluses
I want more than just your lips
awkward and unrhythmic
I want more than just your words
mumbling with downcast eyes

I want your fingertips
fluttering with curiosity
I want your tongue
quenched with my saliva
I want your promise
that this is more than just childish lust

I'm not experienced
I've never felt love
I've never felt anything
like this

so when you whisper
those maple syrup words
hot and thick
in my ear
I say them back
more as a question
than an answer

Sun falling down
Telescope touching ground
Artful scenery ahead
Raging stars are dead
Glamorous light
Amazingly bright
Zillions tethered
Elegantly together

I was watered down
my raging fire
was singed to the ground

I may be a liar
mean and nasty
my words they hurt
the pain everlasting

I'll throw on the dirt
and **** your flame
I'll rage once more
remain untamed

I'll settle the score
an eye for an eye
I no longer care
If your light dies

For I will finally flare

People have always scared me
my knees shake
and I cower away in the corner
like a mouse hiding from a cat

And when I'm with you
I lose my words
and  look down at the floor
like its the most interesting thing

in the world

But then you hold your hand out
I grab it
and though we don't speak
you're okay with it

You are my seatbelt
tethering me to this earth
and for that I love you
more than any words could ever say

I've waited too long
to bury her
to just belong
to block the whispers
that changed me
into something I'm not
I'm finally free
already forgot
or will forget
that **** past
that wouldnt let
my time last
it wanted me dead
almost killed me
that ******* dread

You'll never **** me

You say "Its like I dont know you anymore"
but you never knew me in the first place
I never open up the door
to let you see my other face

I pick up the stones
carry them on my back
so you're not alone

The rocks they stack
and you shed the tears
with me right there
we conquer your fears

You know I care

I would break
my withered bones
for that grin to wake
as your own

I swallow the pills
but I'm still alive
oh for once will
you just let me die?

I used to hate
the smell of
your perfume
now I recreate
the fragrance
in my mind

And then your lips
so small
with a smile
my guard slips
when I stare
at them

Where's the confidence?
you are so
**** pretty
yet always tense
whenever I
tell you that
you've alwayss looked
better without
the makeup

I am so hooked

***** to water
everyone stares
somebody stop her
someone just care

shes destroying herself
one drink at a time
look at her health
those warning signs

she won't turn back
once shes hooked
steer off track
if you overlook

I wish I had
the courage to
look into your eyes
without feeling
the regret
or despise
of myself.

I'm not worthy
of anyone,
not anymore,
not since
the sun
stopped shining
inside me.

I can't take
you seeing me
in this way,
I can't shake
myself any harder ,
I can't smile
like I'm okay.

Just for once
forget me
leave this day
leave me
so I don't have to

I promise tomorrow
you'll find
new friends
this sorrow
will devour me
not you

I will never
let it
hurt you

ever.

get a grip
your falling
soon you'll trip
and lay sprawling
         He's using you
        block out the lies
      He's trying to *****
   around with your mind

I saw the beauty
in what sweeps
in feathery waves
down your back
what bathes in light
when the sun
puts a spotlight on
it's wild wisps
what falls in tendrils
over your shoulder
until you messily tuck
it behind
your ear
what makes me blush
as ruby red
as those voluminous
curls

I saw the beauty

laughing talking
all around
smiling walking
buzzing sound
silent cold
binding me
always told
in my dreams

I am a storm
roaring onto the Earth
my emotions swarm
revenge I thirst
everyone feels my rage
thundering lightening
it strikes on a rampage
in blasts that are frightening
it puts me in fear
of hurting others
you better steer clear
these feelings won't smother
stay inside keep warm
and out of my storm

If you love me
unlock these chains
give me air
set me free
just trust for once
that I'm doing right
so I can breathe

One day it'll change
I'll pack my bags
and leave
so you can't control
whats in my mind
for once I'll see
what happiness is
and finally be able
to ditch the gradually
building pressure that's been
in my chest for years

When I flee
I'll find love
and then I'll see
that you never
ever really loved me

we pick up the pieces
when everything is gone
smooth out the creases
and carry on

You look right through
my soul
to see her standing new
and whole