Thoughts are loud,
voice is quiet.
I'd do anything
to break this silence.
Except speak.
Because my thoughts get tangled,
my words sound mangled,
and then I end up sounding like an idiot
who can't even remember their own name.
And who is to blame?
My anxiety!!!

I know I've never been easy on the eyes.
You know you're ugly
when even your closest friends agree with you,
when your partners tell you
they only liked you for your personality,
when you try your hardest to look decent for once
and you don't even look
half as nice as a hottie on a sweatpants day.
And yet society has the audacity
to try and make girls like me feel pretty,
to say "Everyone is beautiful on the inside."
But if no one cares to look that far,
then does it really matter?
Do I really matter?

There is a heaven,
there is a hell.
Those are the places
where Jesus and Satan dwell.
God is the light, the way to the pearly gates,
The Father, our creator, of every good thing.
Then Jesus, his son, rose from the grave.
But while Jesus was pouring
his blood for us to be saved,
there came Satan, driving the Hell-bound train.
All aboard, as Satan deceives,
Come one come all the dope phenes and the theives!
"Oh, hold on," says the ******. "I've got more to bring."
"Here comes the men who cheated me.
Who lied to their wives and took off their rings."
But little did they know,
that the blood of Jesus could cover these sins.
That they didn't have to be riding the same train as me.
But since no one had told them how Satan deceives,
they're bound to burn in hell for eternity.

I have butterflies in my stomach,
but not because I'm nervous.
I swallowed them,
whole without chewing,
so not to mess up their fragile fairy wings
or have slimy bug guts sliding down my throat.
I thought if I had the butterflies
I could finally get rid of the sins inside
that reside within me as dark as night,
that there would finally be something about me
that was  
B  E  A  U  T  I   F  U  L.
But since I can't count on myself to change,
I keep butterflies inside me instead.

This place is a home
even though it doesn't have walls.
It's the place I can run to
when the demons won't
stop swirling in my head
like a tornado turning the wrong way.
It's the place I can shelter from the storm
even though there is no roof to keep me warm.
It's fate that I came across this place.
No matter how long I stray away
I always come back.
I'm drawn to this place like a moth to light,
like a phene to nicotine.
Hell, I'd probably be dead in a ditch today
if this place hadn't of let me stay
where I won't freeze to death,
where I don't have to fight the thoughts in my head,
where I am sure I'll be safe.
I'll always be thankful for this place,
because it's my one and only escape.

Valentine's day is looming closer
and I can't wait to be the only one
who doesn't get one of those boxes of chocolate
with all of the assorted flavors to pick through.
I'm looking forward to not be given
one of those teddy bears that are as big
as a seven-year-old going through a growth spurt.
I'm so thrilled to not receive
a cringey Hallmark card
with a "Roses are red" poem hiding inside.
Hell, I'm even happy
to not get a kiss from a lover
or a hug from a friend I've known since elementary.
Valentines day is dumb and disgusting
and the people who celebrate it are just suckers.
Feel free to pass me up Cupid!
I'm totally not jealous...

I've given up on boys.
I'm tired of being treated
like a toy that is only played
with once on Christmas day.

I'm tired of being seen
only for my body,
like I'm not a person
with a brain.
I'm not just something to be obtained

I'm the person
who lifts you up when you're down,
who will always want you around,
who will keep your secrets,
who isn't afraid to see you at your weakest.

I'm tired of being seen for the size of my parts.
Why can't you just see the size of my heart?