I'm glad it is almost Friday.

I drink champagne
Perhaps a little too much.

Writing and scheduling
Connecting and reflecting.

I hope for so much.

Sometimes I feel like I reach for nothing
And I imagine disappearing completely
Surrendering to a time
Of uncertainty
And a little bit of well earned
Pride.

My life in Chicago is glittery and full of grit
Papa never responded to me
Everyone gets ready for little brothers graduation
That I decided to avoid
This time.

The 1AM hour grows near
I know I must retire to bed
And forgive myself for the ways within which
I was not at my best today.

For a moment there
I shined because I hoped the men
Would tell me I mattered.

I don't weigh my worth in the palms
Of careless humans anymore
I don't weigh my worth
In anyone's hands but my own.


A photo of me
From when I was 14 years old
Surprised me tonight
I spun him in circles
Because its funs to play poker.

I remember before you left
I could feel that everything was about to change
Somedays I feel so strong and mighty
And others I still can't believe the little
Big things I've lost.

There is a comfort to the silence of the growing night
I wish I could go to bed at more reasonable hours
I hope and long for so much
Forever
And for always.

I'm just trying to get it all out of my head
Its like a deep poison
I chose to drink
And I've been cycling in my head
What we had what we didn't
Seeing your face
Hers
Wondering
Forgetting
Choosing to want to forget
Forgive
As my mind still licks old wounds

Just longing to forget
And remember
Maybe its not so deep
Lets not let it be so deep
For me.

I wore red and blue
Glitter all along my eyes
And thi--

Sometimes I start to write about it
About you
About it all
But maybe part of this process
Part of letting go of this pain
That I feel like everyone must see
What inside of my guts

And then I come back
Only to see
And only to hear
Nothing has changed.

It is all just obsolete


Just start to forgive
As hard and impossible
As it seems to be right now.

At this moment in time
I am 28 years old.

I feel wild and young
And other times my face feels so weary.

I escaped for a little while
Back to Alabama
Sometimes going and licking your wounds
Is the best thing you can do.

He read into the lyrics
I laid down all the signs
It reminds me of how the past talked to me
And I just wonder
And whimper
When will someone fiercely pick me.

I feel envy
Over the women that seem to have found
Their men
How he dotes on them
He does not stray
Or so they say
And I hope not,
I want to believe that too.

I've been wading in the mulch, the swamp
I practiced speeches outloud
Trying to formulate how to try and
Keep myself from getting
Wounded, awkward.

Do you remember the night we
Drank tequila shots
I danced towards and away from you
Dancing became something we would often do
My favorite night was the night I caught you looking
Right at me across the room
But you wanted me to seem like your hot *****
When it was convenient for you.

I'll never forget
The way you looked
With the lights all hitting you
And the fact you chalked it all up to dust
I know break ups, they happen
But I thought for a moment
You were never gonna go.

We stopped growing together
You became immersed in your fear
We were either going to progress to the next level
As I sat across from you
Leaning in to try and make you feel
So comfortable
Not knowing in mere days
You'd change your mind.

And thats whats got me confused
Thats whats got me not wanting to try
That what makes me know
When you think on me
You feel shame.

I guess I sort of hoped
That we would move and dance
Alongside each other
There was something about you
That made me too,
Not want to let go.

Maybe it was our artistry
Maybe it was how we would meanly flirt
Though when I pushed back
You didn't catch it
You didn't want it
Because it made you internalize yourself.

A choir of angels sing
Yet again
Here is another
Unavailable man.

And I think well
It'll be a fun summer
But I fear the attachment
I know wells inside of my body
My mind.

I remember the moments
Where I held onto my guns
Singing and swinging
I want someone who wants all of me
A drug to you
And your existence
It is better if we behave
In nothing but silence.

I think about the months
That will inevitably pass by
I hope to work out and wade through my mulch
My swamp
Find inner peace, joy,
***, love.

Knowing I've got plans
I've got me
And the ability to no longer
Allow anyone access
To my own self worth.

I'm not super sure what I want anymore
And its as if this is often the place I arrive
I end up working after I said I wouldn't
Because its the thing thats got me going.

I smoke **** like its 420
Stayed up too late showing my body to you
Showing your body to me
Its gonna be so hard
For us to sit on our palms
Sweat in front of one another
As my legs lean into poses
And my arms are elongated
And I know you too,
Are unavailable.

I get it
I didn't miss it
I've become accustomed
To the twentieth century
Unavailable man.

I grow my hair long
Lean and blonde
My skin tans
As I will the weather to warm up
Every little bit
Warm up.

I got plans
Though I don't know where this world will take me
But I know I'll figure it out
Hopping on airplanes
Any old thing
I'll make the moves.

There are folx out there
They think I get too much spotlight
As if I don't do what I can
To spread the love
To remove myself
Sometimes the crowd makes me feel the most alone.

I was hoping it would be easier to write this voiceover
I was hoping you'd want me for my mind
What I have to offer
How exciting I am
And maybe thats a part of it
Maybe thats why you asked me questions about myself
After you released yourself
To my body
My wine.

I create purple and pink circles around myself
Like I'm shaking a salt shaker
Casting out spells
Saying don't make anymore assumptions
Don't paint me into anymore corners
I've watched so many go.

Tomorrow is Easter
We'll go to church
Though I don't bow my head or close my eyes
I don't believe in no man
In the sky.

With strong lean stability
He conducts his lessons with agility
He beckons his heart to open, to release
My eyes have opened wider upon his entrance.

I said from the beginning
I've gotten to where I prefer to
Jump right in with
Doing away
Assumptions.

I've been told some troubling ruthless things
I've been fighting off snakes
Humming and hissing into my beak
Like I should just await a sting
The thunder of the bite.

Looking into the eyes of the snakes
I recoil and find a new sense of grounding.

We made plans
You sing with a cheeriness
I have not known
And am so drawn to.

Summer is coming
I went away
To build myself back up
To become strong.
Too.

So I do.

I haven't been writing much
I think of little feelings or big things I could express
And usually just release and let it go
It is nearly 1am now
In the southern landscape
I wonder where you lay your head tonight.

You've grown so quiet
Its as if you aren't even there
I wonder how you respond when you see me
I become someone who is not yours
I become someone who does not try to be yours
I don't care what you think anymore.

Do you remember when I put on lingerie
And we tried to play?
It was so much and still so little.

The pain of releasing you
Feels like its showing itself the way out
I stay within my perimeters
All still while expanding
I remember leaning up against the wall
I remember the way I ignored you
I remember the way I longed to hear you

Only to be met with your turned back.

There has always been you and me
And you holding on somewhere
Inside your shackle of cannots
And thats the thing
That gives me some kind of peace of mind.

I know when you see me again
Your heart too
Will race.

You said your heart would always read my name
I believe it.

I was wondering if
You remembered when I showed you
All around
My room of prisms
All my objects that shone
Brightly like the moon
As I painted and whistled
Along the lines of my cocoon?

You become a distant memory now
As days and hours and minutes
Seconds chirp and pass on by
I've taken a beating
Since you showed up at my door
I dressed in all black
Like I thought you'd like
I wonder how it all goes.

Its always painful to watch someone go
The possibility of new love
Once again
Reaches for my name.

I want someone generous
Effervescent
Kindly sincere
With a heart full of roses
And a real love for wine.

I feel like I've been just scratching off numbers
The world told me I'd have to kiss a bunch of frogs
So many of them disguised among the wood
Hopping away just enough
To be seen and not seen.

I wonder if you think on me
And the prisms
How we gazed at them
The reflections beckoning us
I finish the movie we made together now
Without you
And its given me confidence
Its given me a new sense of purpose.

I create a barrier
With the prisms that were always mine
Between the ***** lake
I swam through and to
To try and persuade you to surrender
I was never not enough

You just longed to not love.

She deserves a generous one

A choir of angelic moons sing

She deserves adoration, joy
A sync to the dance
Of her fire

She deserves someone present
Someone who loves her so fiercely
And is more than along for the ride

She deserves to be intoxicated by this partner
And him her
She needs a warrior
A fighter for justice, love, stability
She deserves a hero

A hero that's got wisdom, *****, creativity
And a gentle loving kindness
He shares with the world
But she is the queen of the castle.

She deserves a worker
A fighter
A lover
A king in his own right

She's been wondering where he's been all this time
Her parents and culture drew her portraits of white princes
And now she's not so sure
So she lets go of the wannabe fairy tale
And puts herself on the pedestal
No longer prioritizing a need.

Finding romance is never the difficulty.

She deserves a warrior
A generous lover of the sun and moon
Unafraid of darkness
And someone who leans into the light.

And now the hardest part
Is living through the moments
Of longing to reach out for you
And not.

And now the hardest part
Is reliving moments in my brain
Editing them into serene home movies
That make the sound of your absence
Vibrate all around me.

And the fact that I always get brought back to
Is that moment you turned and looked at me and said
You said
"And I don't love you back."

You said in such a way
Like it wasn't even really to me
I felt like there were three other girls you saw sitting in my place
On the bed next to you
And I wish to god
I hadn't brought you in so close
I have burnt sage after sage
But still cannot fully walk away from the taste
Of where you burnt me
Like you wanted me to believe you didn't care
All because of your fear.

And even though I know
I'm like a drug to you
The sound of your voice
Harming me intentionally
Remains
And remains.

So I maintain discipline
And remain
In my silence
And sometimes
Feigned happiness.

All I can hope for is that it becomes easier
Over time
To coexist in the new found silence
And empty space
Where you used to be.

You never fully took that space up
But I provided it for you nonetheless
And it reminds me of why I was so down
To figure it out before and before.

I wonder if you feel the same kind of
Tragic pain
Whenever you see my name
My face, my work
My moments of success.

It's like sometimes I'm caught up in a minor hurricane
In the icy Chicago wind
Just trying to move through
And on.

I can't begin to tell you how sad I am
That I had to fully turn
Away from you.

For a moment there


It looked like it might all could be
About you
I held up ashes, a crown, a withered spoon
And with the sharpest hammer
Attempted to build a ship.

As captain,
It was my job
To fulfill myself within the seas
To not let labor fool me.

I handed you chance after chance
Gilding myself in what I think you might like best
Pulling out every trick
We loved so well in moments
I hung onto them with the tip of my tongue
And now work through a weary shame.

The poison you offered me
Was not for me to drink
But I pursued it all in all
Because I think I like to suffer.

I'm able to recognize the darkness within me
And as I built the ship
Out of so little tools
Water hitting and splashing me
Among the rampage
I whistled my way all through it
Hoping the sound of my own purrs
Drowned out the stinging
Drowned out the whimpering blame
I'd catch
And ultimately tumble into.

A saddened rage fills my bones
When I think about how similar
You were to my past
And I just hope that now that I've made a ship
Out of next to nothing
Time and time again
I'll stop harboring the emptiness
Of unfulfilled labor
And a lack of grace.

My basket of treasures I offered so many to you
A dinosaur around my neck
You were so good in moments
We were so good in moments
And now that I'm back with time to ****
The absence of you runs still.

I imagine that you think on me too
Drowning out the sound
Of moans, my naked thighs, and the way my life would curl
All around you like there was nothing more
Nothing less.

I gave up on
Just like you asked me to do
And I don't doubt that if I wanted to return to the well
To drink up more of the poisonous water
I so could.

I guess there is a refuge in that thought
But in the night
When we once would spend our time
I'd try to forget what you weren't giving me
Spreading myself so thin I couldn't notice

But it's you who has to know that the love you were given
It's you that has to live with your failures
It's you that has to look in the mirror and see truth
As I sat across from you
Your hands on my legs
Kissing you for the last time
You were so upset I looked so upset
But I rode away for the last time

And it just will never be about you
Ever again.

I remember when
It all comes racing back
Like the prisms I twirled
And nestled into
I created all of those good moments
All of those moments were made because of me.

I entered into the darkness of the pond
Sipping away at the poison
I'm still so caught up in the grief
Of looking into your face
And knowing just like I promised
I'd always leave in the end.

I watched as roaches took over the walls around us
***** vines always encompassed the room
And I was over here
Like a monster, a monsoon
My eye twitching
From too much caffeine
Too much wine.

You once held a spot here
Until I ran out of space
Out of love
To give to you.

I wonder where your mind goes
When you think on me now
You once were curious
But not curious enough
To do the work
That real love requires.

It was in the moments
Only in the moments that we were ever okay.

You never meant for me to mean anything
A bald woman over a megaphone sings
The football field is suddenly filled
With player after player
Except for I'm out there throwing the ball
The quickest, the most exuberantly
And its in the sorrow of how I found myself
Intertwined in a love affair

I could not possibly surpass or survive
That I move on into the light
Into the shadows
Among the prisms that were always
And continue to be all mine
No more deceit
No more dissatisfaction
I was trying to feed a dying hunger
For a love you could never provide

And it's you
It's in you that I remembered my own moon
My own heart
So at long last
I trust in the silence
And in the sorrow you caused.

There was a time
A time within which my hair was shorter
My patience longer
And my desire to make it last
Tighter.

I danced among wolves there
Whistled in the thorns
Made friends with the trickles of blood
Flooding down my legs
Onto my ankles
Pinching up and down my thighs
Just hoping and waiting
Just baiting and flaking
Because you were what was there
At the time.

I coughed up glass
And syringes filled with pink powder
And surrendered to moments
Of wannabe bliss
Because you were what was there
At the time.

She seems to have found more aptitude
For your *******
Than I was willing
I remember the way your voice shook
When you called me on the phone
After I exclaimed I would never be her
I would never treat you like her
I would just be
Really gone.

I sage everywhere and everything
Moments of feeling so past it
For the darkness of pain to return
Like a fleet of starved seagulls
In a circle I threw them pieces of bread
Like I did as a child
Like I begged for you to see me
To treat me with love, respect
Even in the moments where you
Were at your most deceitful
Lost
Do you remember when we read poems to one another?

There is no reading of poems now
Not to you
My ink carries on
But not for you
Because you were what was there
For a time
And now you are no longer.

Do you remember the night I had you meet me there

I was drinking red wine
And writing in my phone
The way you made me feel
Before you showed up
Each time.

Maybe I do act like I'm extraordinary
Especially lately
And I'm okay with being that way
I'm okay with feeling isolated
I don't know how else to be
Really.

I go on airplane mode
When I need to feel some separation
From the howls of wolves
From the omnipresent sound
Of how hard I tried again and again.

I acknowledge my errs and the ways in which I've changed
I don't know whats so wrong
With embracing a life where you feel
Extraordinary.

I've experienced trauma
As we all have
And I'm still coping with the loss.

It's almost like I think that this person will be there
And then they turn away.

I felt that way about you
And all the poems I shared
Hoping to make you see
Me
My best friend and I talked about it on her couch last night
In reality
I probably was a solid fit for you
But it was all so clouded
It was all so clouded
And you were never gonna be who I needed.

I was coming up on the **** of acceptance
Only to deep dive on way back down
And you weren't really there for me anyway
As a new man held my hands
And looked back at me just as many times as I did
As we turned our backs to walk away
And return to our own lives.

Its always just sort of like
Of course I experience these great big moments of love
With ones that live no where near me
And I don't know if life wants me to hyper focus
Or what the mission is
But I see the ink from where I wrote on the walls
I see the places left with slime, spit
I glance up at the wall where I replaced it all

And think on all I've done
Where I've been
All the mouthes I've kissed
How I've survived
And will survive again.

I was doing such a good job
Of hamming myself up.

The truth is,
It's kept me going
Since the moment of loss
The moments of success have felt so empowering
I've wanted those moments to shine,
To stay.

The ones that claim to love me the most
They see I've changed
And in some ways I know it's for the better
And in others I'm just a little lost pony girl.

I think about what I think it might take to make me happy
At long last
I imagine violence towards myself
And wonder if I was just a little bit different
If that would help.

My eyes have a weary glaze about them today
Holding the pieces that have kept me going
Fighting
And dancing through this
Chaotic dream of a life I'm just trying to live.

Something changed not too long ago
I recognized in myself that though I wear my burn out on my sleeve
I'm young, full of youth, and drive
All I have to do is try to grow and release.

So I'm always trying to do that
Through all the tender caresses
Or the harsh words that leave me breathless
The endless packing and sweeping
The loving and having to immediately let go
I don't really know where any of this is taking me
And I'm out here just hoping to be liked
Hoping to be loved
Hoping to stand on my own
Hoping to dream and do.

Back into the big city grind.

The air here, less balmy
The sun shined as I got off my airplane
As if beckoning me to surrender, stay.

I'm always a bit relieved to be gone
And a bit relieved to return.

Words that I could have lived without hearing
I paint them on the walls with the blood
Of my sisters
The blood from the bullet holes
I pretended to catch with my thin frame
As a little elven girl, even.

My cat sleeps quietly at the end of my bed
I did like I have often done
But I never hit send.

I typed a series of phrases
None of them carrying a weightlessness
And I think back to the girl
With the big long mane
And how she's defined herself through time
Space
And surrender.

I tried to blame my loneliness
Realizing now the futile meaning that has
But it's just different for you and me
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like
If I did just live a slightly
Simpler and more stable life.

I pack my bags and I'm often not here
A flurry of emails and projects call my name
I'm chasing dollars and always needing an extra hand
I wish I had it all figured out
And I'm not sure how to find success in this life.

I metamorphed for 8 months time
For a moment there
I thought I could stand the tragedy
And even found moments of bliss
But it was all covered in black veiled fabric.

There's not much to say now
But that it's always about that movement onward
Digesting, processing, healing
I lean into the silence
And try to let myself cry when I feel lost
Like an army comes after me for the places where I erred
And though a light showed up there for a moment
So much of it still feels unjust to me
As my scales twinkle
And struggle
To find balance.

So this is just a time

Where I allow myself to give my heart to my work
I acknowledge the absence
I make peace with the solitude
The contant flurry of coming and going of working
Nonstop.

It's a time of holographic cds used as decorations
It's a time of pastels
Of embracing fire
Of dancing among the forest
The swamps, the pine leaves
Running naked past the past.

Never wanted this to happen to us
I wrote in blood
I could see us decaying all around me
I feel that every time it all falls apart.

Time for pizza
Gotta finish my wine
And find the time
To enjoy the freedom
The resilience
The choice to release.

He said we look at social media very differently

He said we operate differently

I said I don't need you to tell me how different we are.

The sound of us both leaving
Repeats in my mind nine times
I just haven't been through this in quite some time.

We just tryin' to be coo
We just tryin' to be so cool
But what even is that?

You said once
As I opened the door
I'm crazy about you
After a hello beautiful
There were times you let yourself adore me
I only was ever able to give a little bit of myself
Because it's all you would ever let me give
And that's what remains of the pain.

What I didn't say last night

Was that I'm still missing you
Acceptance your choice
My choice
To sever.

You've always said so little

Had so little to offer
It felt so good when you let yourself love
In me, on me
But those moments they were so fleeting

You always have so little


You always had so little
And I'm still just accepting it.

They say time heals all wounds

It’s hard for me to give myself a break
I feel like I should move on right away
A part of me wants to
Longs to

And I’m doing what I can
I really am
But I know
I have to give myself a break

Going to bed early is something I don’t not know

I hope for days where I have the peace within to get to bed at a decent hour.

I wonder if my hormones have flared up
I know you care but I know you do everything not to
You said you have chased someone before
But that person was never me
No that person was never me.

I still can’t understand why not
How did you not feel it or be able to express it
Holding me afraid of the drug I make you sense
As soon as your body, your touch is on mine

You said I can’t talk right now
I can in three hours
I was always so afraid of where you were

You’re gone now and I’ve just been trying to let you be gone
You had so little to offer up
All throughout
And especially the end
That’s sincerely what hurts the most.

I couldn’t make you care
Though I know you did
You are a lazy selfish lover
And the fight that I feel and felt within myself
To make you see me
It has been a great wave I’ve had to drown in
And embrace.

I’ve been sinking to the bottom
In the water that filled the lake
Where you like to drink and take
And it’s like I said
There’s no space here
There’s none.

He said

If you’re good I’m good
And it’s like I hear a chorus of women sing
If you’re good I’m good
But he misspelled the you’re
There’s a sad lonely tinge to it
Wrapped in roses and thorns
If you’re good I’m good.

But the truth is
I wouldn’t say I’m not good
But I’m still recovering from the loss of you
And I’ve been wondering if you were too
It stung to think you needed and wanted
As always
To look the other way.

We can never seem to get along
Not outright
Not at the core
We always had to decide to instigate
Peace, love, compassion.

You posted an article about empathy
I agreed with some of it
You said we don’t look at social media the same way
We operate differently
I’m still recovering
From the fact you never really saw me
Never really wanted to adore me
This time last week we were getting ready
To sit in long deep silences
Filled with everything and nothing.

It was hard to come back into my apartment today
Post production depression is very real
And I’m always gearing up for what’s next
But the truth is I’ve been doing everything to try and distract myself and work through
The pain of losing you.

You said if you’re good I’m good
He said if you’re good I’m good
It’s still so so fresh
And I’m still so sad it’s really done.

My phone doesn't buzz with drama.
I don't have to worry about plans with you changing, flaking
I don't have to care or worry about where you are
I don't have to reach
I'm no longer spending money on you
My anxiety in regards to all things you, has started to subside
I don't have to try and be friends with your friends
I don't have to convince my friends or family to give you a chance
I don't have to be there for you
I don't have to exhaust myself trying to make it work
I don't have to share you
I don't have to share me
I can finish the work we started on my own.

I long for the utmost freedom

I want to get to a place
My new ambition

To no longer feel sad
Controlled
Influenced
By the presence
Or lack

Of a man.

Everything is white and a little blue

I spilt expensive expresso on the comforter
Late nights chatting, spinning
I never seem to stop twirling
In the color, in the light, in the buzz
My face and my body often feels tired
It's honestly no wonder
Sometimes I just want to get ******
And my eyes looked into
So that I don't even have to remember
My purpose in this world.

When I go out, I'll end up drinking a lot
Champagne tastes best
When you enjoy every drop
I'm glistening I'm listening
I'm just trying to move through the
Awareness of losing you
The loss of letting you go
Into the rest of your existence
Without me.

I know that if I wanted to change that
I probably easily could
I wonder how you wonder on me
My head tilts to the side
Like a newborn puppy dog
Or a plastic figurine
Like the ones I would tear apart
And reinvent as a girl.

I'm in search of another rebirth
I don't know where or how I'll find it
I grow my hair out long
Shaping, shaping who I'm evolving into
And in my weak moments
I think it's all just too bad
It's bad we couldn't grow any further
Together.

Do you remember how
I scouted all around Chinatown
Do you remember how when you wanted something
I'd make it so?

I dance among bridges that burn
But it's because of my own light
I lit the flames
I'm always blossoming
It wasn't until the end
You were even with another
Reading my poetry
Reaching out for me almost steadily
And as I put it
You then went and ran.

It hurts but it feels like truth
I saw you for who you really are
And it doesn't make you evil
Undesirable
I just saw you.

You gazed at me
Remarking on the intensity
I'm like a drug
What you have with me is like a drug you said.

In the end
I know I did nothing wrong here
And that's been the thing I come back to sometimes
Maybe when we're older
And it's all past me
You'll see
But it's gone for me already
It's always been all gone.

It's time to lift weights
Time to cleanse
Time to find and sustain confidence
Buried in work, I long for kisses
And give myself deep doses
Of a lasting self love.

I guess a part of me
Still can hardly believe
That's really it.

Long silences
Filled with deep eye contact
From your end
You leaned into the table so much
I went for the bar
Thinking if we sat there
Maybe it would be
Less tense.

It's almost 1AM now
I longed to write about you all day
To maybe have a safe place
Where I no longer have to share
Or try to portray to you
Who was in front of you.

I saw you for what felt like a final time
At least as far as this chapter
Is concerned
And it hurts a little
It hurts a lot.

I rode home into the night
Glad to have found my way out
At long last.

There is a banter
A way we used to talk to one another
I introduced tools, activities
To try and bring you, us
Closer.

An image of it all
I framed her, me tonight
And placed her where the rope
You were so excited to experiment with
Once hung.

Perhaps I will be able to reclaim it in time
But for now, it's just not going to be a linear journey
Healing.

I felt it before you went
I said to you on the phone
The place where we always communicated best
I said
"I feel like everything is about to change."
No amount of poetry
Or fluffy paint brushes
Covered in my love, my absence, my dreams
For us
Could change any of that.

You said
You said to me last night
In the last 3 minutes that you had me
Our lips touching only for short moments
For fear of us not being able to stop
You said that you respect me
And that you see the positivity of me in the world
I said it's too bad it couldn't be in your life.

But maybe, perhaps
It was
There was much darkness in the chapter we lived in
It's true that there isn't space for you here
But I hope that at the end of the night
Regardless of where you lie your head
Your mountain of hair
I hope as I've always said
That you think on me with color
With light.

"Everything was a movie with you."

Because that was all it was ever gonna be.

I knew you'd
Do exactly as you did

I drift on holographic clouds
Painted pouts and little big surrender
Warriors with their arrows out
All alongside me.

I reframe and frame up
Missing my teeth when I lipstick my mouth

Your eyes were so large
Full of remorse and the entitement
The lack of capacity to understand
That I swam in your pond for so long
Until it started to taste poisonous
So I found the shore
Grew a pair of long lean legs
And march into the city lights.

If I could have it my way
My hurricane portrays I wish it didn't have to sting this way
It's all so cinematic, so charged
Alcohol sometimes gets the best of me
And my secret audience
That watches my turmoil.

I adjust my crown
And move forward
A moment in time to remember and hold onto
Self respect, freedom, joy
I try to find a sense of humor
My nails the longest I've ever had them done
It's just hollywood baby
It's just a bit of hollywood.

In my dreams you look full of that same surrender
But that's not you
No that's never been you.

Lessons learned, hearts dropped
I chalk it up
Like I've always done
And twirl within my own flames.

Remember how I said

I wrote it in pen

But you forgot to read

The back of it.

I told you what it said
And then quickly took it back
But I meant every word of it.

I whispered underneath
My wolf in sheep's clothing

I said

I'll always leave in the end.

Every little step, every little breath
You were losing every part of me.

Since I said my farewell
You paint it onto a tombstone
While I tried to lead with nothing but love
But lived in nothing but agony
Fighting to keep and coddle you
Elevate and praise you.

I've heard from the mouthes around me
Such unpleasant sounds
About your state, your face, the way you
Use
And use
People.

You hum loudly from afar
You bang on drums and sing out of tune songs
I set myself free

I create lines in the sand
And move past the men
That don't know or understand how to see me
Or my full flames.

And that's really all there is to it.

That's all there really is.

So what's left to burn?

Nothing. I thought.

Maybe just some more sage
Or the hours of sleep I know I need
The money spent, now repent
My motivation coming and going.

There is no way
To acknowledge what is, isn't, or will never be.

My hair grows long
The Bartender ****** me in the bar
After all the lights were out
Once the door was locked
I woke up to his tattooed sleeves
Holding me
And I wondered with a slight panic:

Does this mean anything?

I'm not sure
Nothing is guaranteed
So I just try to be steadfast
Calm even
There's nothing to prove
No curation of path to make things better
I can just

Give up
Like I always sorta was
And be glad I'm better off
Without you.

I hate you with a venom in moments
Though I never really knew you
You were always willing
To take more than I could stand
I know I interrupted
The complacency you wanted to think
You had.

I dreamed in the midst of a pinky purple haze
Almost blue
Stardust
That I wouldn't be able to fully see
Until I wrote to you.

I remember nothing else
Except for the opening greeting.

I think that you are weak
Young
Immature
Impressionable
Naive
Stupid even
Honestly.

It's not like me
To feel venom towards another wom--girl.
But with you
You showed up with nothing but armor on
You did nothing but turn the other way
You were so caught up in trying to win
A battle that just never could have been won
That you blocked, ignored, hid
Pretended
I didn't exist.

You know you were gone for a moment there
And it was all about me
He thought he should leave me because of what happened with you
So I hope that in your fear
In your stupidity
In your lack of maturity
I hope that you can see
Deep down in there
And I say this to myself even too,
That it was always him.

It was also him Sarô that didn't want either of us
Not really.

It wasn't really about us though
It's about him.
As women, it's so hard
Not to get caught up in feeling
Thrown away
Not chosen
Not enough
But that's not really what happened here
And as time continues on
I hope you both can see
Straight on
That though the dust in moments
Appears to be more clear
It's not
Not between you
Not for him.

He's a lost one
I painted portraits with my words
Wanting him to see the jeweled light
I stunned him into silence
Because I think his shadow
Frightened him so much
And it's hard for me
To think that you might have opened your arms
I hope you are braver, stronger, wiser.

It's about him.
It's about his inability to love
His lack of empathy
His well has run so dry
Although I don't know that it was ever full.

All I wanted was to tell you
To whisper in your ear
I don't think you and I will ever be friends
But when it's me on that stage
With him
If you dare come and duck when I'm nearby
Or try to make yourself known..

I hope you realize little girl
That you are wasting your time

We both did.

There were things learned
Lessons gained
But no amount of unfollowing and refollowing
Someone on the internet

Will make him ever love you
Or himself.

His hand engulfed mine
With it’s pretty dark ink
We had some champagne
You looked beautiful in the pristine
White bed.

Novelty
That novelty.

You move like a panther
Sitting at your counter
A little flame of obsession between us.

I try to catch myself
From bleeding into the next one
But I also need to be all that I am
And not hold myself back.

It’s almost 1am now
I think about the way you put your hand on my thigh
Or moved me how you wanted me
Stroking your chest
You poured me glasses
Of forget yourself
Enjoy your life
And live in the moment

Even if moments the next day are hazy.

You’ve got a mysterious glow
You are forward and quiet
Humorous and energetic.

I’ll have another round.

Remember how

I could romanticize any moment in time
We shared
But the reading of poetry fills my head
How you reached though you were so far
It all ended up being so draining for me.

I did it because I have self respect for myself
I walked the other way just like I
Knew I always would
Because I grew weary
Tired
And felt as though you didn’t really want to see me.

I think about you from time to time now
The nights where I sleep alone are still hard
Do you remember how
Do you

I kissed the lips of a new man
I strive to expect a whole lot of nothing
But in the growing cold
I do wonder when and how
And where
Will someone just so completely choose me.

It’s quiet now
I turned my phone off for a moment
I think back on how you went back and forth between us
My already dwindling trust.

It’s over now
I know I’ll have to meet your gaze soon
That gaze that started it all.

So I soften my jaw, my heart
I keep in mind all that you did
To wound
The thoughtless ignorance
And then I also remind myself


It just doesn’t have to be that big of a deal
Not for me.

There is a sadness that I am still sorting through
As the winds become colder
The snow, the ice grows stronger
And I feel the weight of your absence longer.

I do realize now
That I put myself through so much
To try and maintain whatever it was we had
The casualness of the love.

You weren't even able to meet me halfway
Love was only on sight, when it worked for you
But I can still taste and feel your lips
If I close my eyes
Your desire always leading the way.

I bought some bright orange earrings today
Thinking as I fell asleep last night
That I'd wear them with my mermaid dress
When I radiate, balance off sun beams
Like a mermaid of prisms.

I thought a lot about your silence
And how you said you needed a break
I portrayed and I portrayed
And I portrayed
Until you grew silent.

I wonder if you will meet me with a response
I wonder if you will raise a white flag
I wonder if you will ever admit to yourself
That in there, deep inside
You did love.

I deserve someone
Who is a little bit obsessed with me
I've been feeling less drive, motivation
And been craving instant gratification
Since you stepped away.

Your sweetness, I still remember it
It was there and then it was gone so quickly
But surely
You saw through my steps away
Through my moments of giving so much
Only to then retreat
I could only play cat and mouse
With you
And for you
For so long.

I wonder now how and if you blame me
With your cameras
Your gear
And your quiet and constant fear
Of giving you
Yourself away.

I've always demanded it
Right at the start
Perhaps we would have been better off just friends
But its true
You would gaze at me for a little too long
And my body would naturally
Lean into you.

You are gone
And I am too
Though this city is large
The circle we swim in
I see through it well
My heart hurts

I know yours does too.

The second time around
I played a song that made me feel everything
As I was already, my mind drenched in the soot
Of things I'll never really understand
But seeing it from a distance
Just like I did me during that time
Just like I did and had to
To sustain our love.

I compared what we had
To me riding a pony
Until I had to sling myself off.

I tried it on
I donned the sweater
Until it frayed and split into pieces
All while I was wearing it
But wow, I wore the **** out of that sweater.

I've been trying to discover
What it is about you that will make me feel at peace
But no amount of imagining
Or trying to summon you into speaking
Truth, love, peace
Desire even
Will ease it
Or make it happen.

I think it's all shown me that I'm a lot more open
Than I think I knew
And after a winter of experimenting in a major way
I think I felt capable to take it on
But everything was covered in dust and gruel
Everything was already so distraught
Lonesome
And I embarked into it with you
Because you made me think it might be worth my while.

Maybe it was.
I'm not sure why or why not yet
What I built with you felt like knocking down walls
But with the tumble
Was chaos
And a massive lack of reassurance
Because the power of the tumble
Still meant that it all had to be rebuilt.

So I guess that's where it all really leads to now.

Nothing could be rebuilt
Created stronger, more able
You cannot love a man
Who has the intention not to love.

And that's the phrase
I hope is tattooed to the crevices of your hand
Into your eyelids
Into the sides of your skull
So that any other young girl
May heed that warning.

You said you have much self discovery to do
I am a prized weapon
A prized reward
A legend among women
A goddess among the divine
A queen on a throne
And I don't doubt you didn't know it

But you crumbled and toppled down
Much like the walls
Much like the foundation


So my court, we left the abandoned rubble

And now we are building our castle
Into the sky
Onto the sturdy earth
In the coming water
And in the licking and welcoming
Flames of fire.

I've been brought back to myself
Like a weary warrior.

I looked at myself in the mirror
An echo of all my shame, all the hurt
All of the anxiety that had taken over me.

I saw the grayness, the scales
And went down deep into myself.
I closed my eyes
Laid my body out, arched half way
And was in a field of blackness
But it was not frightening.

Neon pastel forms of flowers formed on the ground
And covered me like armor
Slowly fizzing and snapping into my place.

When I came out on the other side
I looked into the mirror
Having found a more confident me again
She had a little bit of her spark back
That joyful, playful
Candor.

There was a little dollhaus

I entered into it with no perception of what stood within.

A girl I never really met lived there, she tried to live there with you
But I think her bags were always partially packed
Because you told her to.

I entered in
My doll limbs not doll-like at all
I quickly took up all the space
My lean arms and legs
Filling and pulling
Piling out of the windows
The staircase
The doors.

Neither of you acknowledged that you had little room
To still attempt to live
But yet you had me stay
Even in all my voicing
Of uncomfortability
You always tried to bring me pillows
Water
Little ways to make me keep taking up space
So that I'd stay.

Eventually
Those half packed bags became fully packed
I made myself an enemy without even knowing it
I made myself an enemy while doing nothing
But unknowingly
Taking up space
Because I felt I deserved to.

You threw her out of the house
It was then just you and me
At first it seemed things might be better now
It seemed like at long last
Maybe this was where it was always supposed to lead.

Over night
You decided that I was too similar in vibe
To the girl with her bags half packed
Not because of who I am, where I am
The maturity and self-possession I have
But just because I took up space in the dollhaus
And now must too, be banished.

So you
You packed your bags this time
With no warning
Zipping up your jacket
The sound of it repeating over and over in my mind
You were so conflicted
We'd spent much time
In this dollhaus.

Eventually you too,
Were gone.

I was left in the dollhaus alone
My arms, my legs, my insides
Outsides
Piling up and out
Through the windows
Through the doors
With nothing left but wondering why?

Why me?

I'm still in the dollhaus
But I'm in here alone.

The emptiness is settling in
I knew when I moved in
And took up all this space
I kept my eyes, my ears, my lips
All of it clear.

So now that it's just me here
In the dollhaus
I think I'll just have to surrender.

What is left now you ask?

Just a whole lot of facing your absence.

Just a whole lot of accepting your cowardice.

Just a whole lot of knowing I'm better off.

Just a whole lot of breathing in back my freedom.

Just a whole lot of letting go.

Just a whole lot of giving in and up.

I'm so sad that you are gone.

I know you asked where the door was
So I showed you the way out
But like I wrote you
I was
Well
I enjoyed in moments
The way that you looked in my life
I've been sitting in the darkness
I've been letting the inches of snow
And the way my pillow is starting to lose the smell of you
Dismantle me.

I thought and I wish
That maybe we could have talked
We could have worked it out
It seems as though my final words
Have brought you at long last
To a stone cold silence
For, it is true
I've given you so much to think about.

My friends say I'll be over this one in no time
I believe them
I wish I hadn't tried to get so cozy
But what was I to do?

You wrote me only two poems
In the time we were together
Neither a love poem
But an expression of your fear.

I accepted that fear
As if it were my own cross to bare
Because I saw in myself
That it was worth it to keep you
And now I have to just forget you.

You read the words about me outloud
You have the crystals I gifted you
I revealed all the things I was trying, striving to do
To elevate to create
And yet it was never enough.

I know deep down this was never really about me
Though you did try to shame me for where I am
Where you are not
My head was clear, my eyes were open
I just demanded your presence.

As usual
There is nothing to be done now
I've looked through all the nooks and crannies
Trying to understand where things went wrong
Where maybe I...

But the truth is
The truth has always been
It was just always too hard
Too hard for me
In the end
To keep you.

And just like that

You were gone.

I watched you go this time
Out the door
As the rope with bells
That was once was my grandmama's
Chimed one final time.

I used sage to air out the negativity
The sadness
You brought consistently to my table
And to my bed.

Oh sweet Alex
All I ever did was love with you
With no need.

I was always mourning the loss
The whiplash you caused me
And so now it's just a matter
Of facing the little big hole
Of where you sometimes stood
In my room of rooms
In my heart of hearts
In my doubts of doubts.

You took up a lot of space
When and if you wanted to
I can see me now
More clearly than I did before
I knew I'd always come out on the other side
Of this, like somebody returning from war.

I'm pretty good at break ups
I've mastered the art of grip, release, rebirth
And so I hope for myself now
Now that I gave you my heart, bits of my art
My insides, shared my mind
I hope that I can let those things stand
With a mighty hand
And peacefully carry my golden axe

And me onward.

I've been taking calls
Giving myself the solace I need

It's that winter time feeling here
Where it feels better to stay at home
I'd probably be kicking the pavement
I'd probably be doing a lot of things.

I've been through so much
My tattoos and growing flame hair
We've over come
We dance among the wild
We don't need or have to have
Any old thing.

I've gone through the fire and the fury
I've mapped out loosely
How to go, get away
I've accepted within myself
That I can only swim so much further here.

In the deep end with you
We were tied together with a piece of rope
Until within the fleet of the water
You pulled out the sharpest object you could
Hustle, muscle
And released me
Watching me sink
You thought that was it
I'd be going deep down
Into the well with the water
Where I'd become one with the mermaids.

I think and I know that you are wrong
You've got shock and surprise written all over you
As I swam right back up to the top
With some brave strokes
And went my own way.

I guess I sorta knew it would come to this
We couldn't both keep floating
And I don't doubt that in a moments time
You'll look back on this
And wonder where you could have no erred.

It was such a thrill
To be your little doll
It always is.
It was a delight
To let you love me the way you could
Even though a wretched doubt
Took over your soul
And invited itself
And ultimately
Wanted to watch me drown.

I don't believe in that thing
That took over you
But I'm aware of it now
And I've accepted I've done all I could do
Feeling as though I'm a better swimmer
Without the weight of your fears
Your insecurities
Your infuriating sensibilities.

You said you didn't love me back
I'll forever remember that
It's burned into the back of my mind
As you, join the ranks
Of the ones who done me wrong.

I'm a southern sweet pea
A mighty monsoon
A mermaid with no tail

But I don't gotta show you those things
I don't gotta make you love those things
I never needed anything from you.
Not really.

So I swim on now
Watching you float on your own
In the water where I thought there was little to drink
But still kept drinking
Until it just wasn't worth

My beauty
My time
Or my mind.

What else is there to do?

We've been sitting in silence today.

I couldn't really leave my house
I was afraid of what it might mean
If I got your call
And wasn't in the safety of my home
Near sage, near ****, near crystals
Near wine.

The silence feels deafening but somewhat necessary.

I'm not sure where your head is at
You had this look of lightness in your eyes before you walked out
Like you better understood me, this.
I hope that stays.

You at first
Were so perplexed that I don't need or have to have
The kind of future with you
That you think I'm supposed to want
You kept saying things like
I'm not the one for you
You deserve so much
I don't want to lose you

I felt like a snake in moments
Tripping and hissing and slithering around
Today I just felt so tired
So tired and battling my own sense of inner peace.

The silence continues
And though all I want is for the silence to end
I feel the same way about it that I do us
I've put up the fight that I could.

You peeked and looked at me one last little time before you went
You reassured me it was going to be okay
Watching you leave.

At one point you said to me
Standing at the other end of my apartment
Like we have a couple times before
You said
After looking down for a long, long time
"Trying to find the words.."

And I said
Sometimes there are none.

It's been a real trip with you Alex
You haven't made any of this easy
But nonetheless
It brought me great joy
To love you in moments
To let you love me in moments.

All I wanted was to experience pleasure
So jump in
If you can swim.

I spun around in circles in my dark lips
With my green teal eyes
Kissing me until flakes remained
I said I look like I just kissed a Zombie.

You left at long last
You're scared of the idea of not loving me
The way you think that I'm supposed to want you to love me
I've watched so much come and go.

I can argue my way out of a paper bag
Today I am tired, I'm weary
I've been trying to be still and strong.

You had a lot to think about you said
I've given you a lot to think about
You've never met anyone like me
I have no interest
In waiting or accelerating
Where I've currently worked really hard
To be.

It's getting late now
I thought we could have
Everything suddenly became so stuck
In past tense
Can I live with the idea that you don't want to
Or will love me
In the way you think you are supposed to?

I don't know what anything will bring
I bring an intense joy and emotion
To truly everything
Can't you see it
Can't you see me
Can't you see

I'm not interested in the concept of the one
Or the future you and I may or may not have
I'm so much more complex, full, and resilient
Can't you see
Can't you see me

I know you can.

Everything has felt

Well
Long.

The city in Atlanta here
Feels massive
Time feels as though it’s ticking by
So quickly so slowly
Sleep has been hard to come by
A genuinely good sleep.

I’ve expelled so much energy
So much love
And today I just gave up a bit.

I knew you would circle back
With an updated thought
A glimmer of support
I bought a holographic choker tonight
For me
But for you.

Neon lights are my favorite thing lately
My hands are a constant lens
Snapping, snapping so brightly
I wish I could stay vibrant always.

I think perhaps
There must be a way to share
To give sincerity and honesty
But just to let it all weigh so much
Less
In my heart
In what’s at stake.

I find myself drifting and breathing
In and out of it
Striving to remain and secure
Kindness
Calmness.

There’s so much I have to do
It’s been so good to focus on the art
But what’s next?

What is next?

I don’t really know
I never seem to
But I just wanna enjoy.

Mystified branches and moss
Suddenly surrounded me today.

I felt the kiss of the sunshine down and around
My body and sweet face.

My eyes are tired and limbs long
For touches and intimate caresses
From you while you've been gone
On this seemingly brief yet long
Journey.

I only want to see you thrive.

There is a dark sadness within me
That sometimes reveals itself in moments
And I think somewhere in you
You recognize it, because it reminds you
Of perhaps your own reflection.

I come from heat and flames
And it's heat and flames I've really only ever known
I fell asleep last night eventually
Thinking about the things I haven't told you about my past
When we are together
It's so present
It's all about the seconds.

I genuinely hope for your heart and mind
To find peace within the chaos
Of swarming and gunning for success
I'm right next to you.

I've written you so much in the time that
We've known each other
Sometimes I worry
Your patience
Your gratitude
Your willingness to strive to do better.

That's the tip of the moon
That hovers above me in the sky
And encourages me
To make plans
To dream so big, so wild
With you Alex.

I don't want to write you anymore tortured poetry
So what if I only send you poems now
When I'm feeling the joy, feeling the love
Feeling the words you said to me two days ago
That made my whole week
"I miss you too and that is the truth."

Those are the moments I bleed for
The redness reminds us we are human.

Yes
           of course

you'll see me soon.

Let's not be weary
It's such a dream when we're good

And even when we are not
Or it feels like all the dust has enveloped us
I carry your heart
                                    (I carry it in my heart.)

I'm alone tonight
It feels progressive, necessary
Even sweet.

The brightness of my screen is loud, the button to adjust it
Broken
You tell me you think of me a lot
Reading my poems
It took me hours to respond
Because I wasn't sure what to say back to you.

I wonder how the weight of my silence drifts
After so much buzzing and communication
I told myself today in the mirror
That for so long you did everything you could
To not let yourself love me
And it's interesting to see
How you reach now.

I'm tired and sincerely am starting to wonder
How I'll possibly accomplish everything
I don't know that I honestly will
It all feels like too much now
I need to be waking up earlier
Exercising more
Reading, watching
But I'm in a phase of staying up later than I'd like
And sleeping in later.

I'm struggling to watch things and enjoy them
Reading is a pleasure I don't feel comfortable
Enough to enjoy
Spinning screens constantly filling my day
I feel like I'm putting in so many hours
With so little to zero pay.

It's Friday night
I think it's time for sleep now
So that I can rise
As a stronger
More patient
Less anxious me.

You think of me
I'm glad you do.

I can't begin to tell you how much I miss you

If I could just run back into your arms

Snag, steal, grab you away

I so would.

But miles and hours separate us

As I drift away from pain and any

Left over

Anger.

You said that
You wish you had time to sit down
And write me.

I circle among the wooden nymphs
Infiltrate fire on ice
And mend golden beams with
A little solitude
And an everlasting
Humble sadness.

I don't know that I can adapt anymore.

Mirroring lampshades, the wallpaper too
I drift among the water here
Submerging myself into the lake
When the water tastes just right
Or not great.

I quantify and qualify
And echo in and out of chambers
As you listen and reach for everything
All while wanting everything
But not all of it.

I wasn't supposed to mean anything
A choir of banshees sing
And in my writing to you
I don't know that I have anything new to say.

Will you think of the way people circled around me on the dance floor
Or how an all consuming radiance and freedom
Releases from the room when I enter it?

I'm still here while you go
Chipping and chopping away
With my golden axe in hand
The belle of the ball.

I can still taste
The comforting way
I've come to find your hands down my lips, down my throat
Down the grip
Of my heart that you tighten and sometimes
Toy with.

You flutter through like a winged creature
Through your own plights, your own jealousy
Finally admitting to me
As we both swirl in moments of turmoil.

You described a feeling in your chest.

I've always been someone who can take on a lot of pain
I've always been someone who
Finds some kind of weird ****** up joy
In feeling so completely
A *******, a pained artist
And so here, in the terrace
Where it's you and it's me
But not so completely
I can paint strokes
As my arm bleeds down the canvas
Because a part of me
Can somehow stand it.

I don't know what will happen here
I wish I could write more joyously
All I know to do
Is to set you free

And trust you'll come back to me.

I know that you must think
That there is no way I could care as much as you
Perhaps you think
With your long brown hair
That you were here first.

I told him today that I'd ******* if you weren't so weird about it.

We probably have more in common than just him.

It's impossible
For me to ignore your presence
I'll never forget the night
You came bounding up the stairs
And danced right near me
Your hair swinging long
I wonder how it is that you see me
I wonder how it is that you view us.

He stood along the wall
Aware of you
Aware of me
Lifting his gaze up and meeting my eyes
Like he'd lost me a thousand and one times
And never wanted to own up to it.
I looked back
And then away.

It doesn't really matter
I don't want to compete with someone I don't know
And I don't know that I need to know you
Making it clear with an unpronounced
Quiet threat
That I'm the enemy.

I'm the big dog on campus
I don't know that I'll ever need to
Announce that your way
But can't you see little girl
My bark isn't just the loudest
It echoes the longest.

I worry that the public
Might think that I don't know
That I'm over here being fooled
But I dress in head to toe black lace
Like I'm some kind of **** widow
Purchasing tickets
Making plans
I strive to move up and out
Though my own fears
Bulldoze me the most.

I wonder if you see me in your mind
Or if you cry about me the way I do you
Do you fear that he speaks to me the same way
Have you looked through his phone
Do you look at me occasionally
Do you do what you can to feel stable
In whatever
This messy and unpronounced
Love triangle is?

Just because you were here first
Just because you've known him for longer
Just because you went to the same school
Or worked on the same sets

Doesn't mean you love him better than I do.

But then again

I was never interested in competing with you anyway.