So how will I do it?

How will I continue to share you
How will I mean more to you than you meant for me to.

It took me all day to do the things I was supposed to do
But in time
Eventually
I got them done.

A candle nearby flickers
I smoke into the Chicago night
I didn't leave my house
Other than to grab food
From the delivery man
Because that was what I needed.

You said you had to go distract yourself last night too
That your friends say
That you should give me what I want
Because what you are asking of me
Isn't fair.

It made me wonder
If they asked you who you liked more
Who you loved more
Who you wanted more
Though those kind of thoughts
Don't regularly enter my mind
Until others do.

I'm here still
Staying behind
But at least things are a little different this time.

You asked me if I still didn't really want to talk
As my rage, my pain, my love
I know you see it
You see it in the moments
The air of your body sinks into mine
Or when you kissed me hard
When the clock struck midnight
After my best girlfriend did.

Can't you see me
Can't you see me in front of you
This is all you can give
This is all you have

I either accept it or let go


So I accept it.
Just let her know
She's not the only one that loves you.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do here now.

My coat gleamed like cotton candy
My bed still wreaks of you
And I'm just not sure anymore
If I'm supposed to just stand strong and stay
Or just go ahead and release myself and go.

A part of me doesn't want to give up
For many reasons
Some deep some shallow
And another part of me
Wants nothing more
Than to walk away from
This half love situation
And forget it ever happened.

I saw a photo of the man I was dating before you tonight
I was able to look at it with very little emotion attached
I think 2018 roughed me up at the end there
Challenging and biting me step it up
As if I wasn't already struggling to love myself.

You said that you have definitely fallen for me a little bit

I'm just not sure

That that's enough for me
Anymore.

Fruits and enzymes nestle there
Toppled with a layer of blueberry syrup
Maybe some Jalapeño covered jams
1-2-3-4-1-2-3-4
It's like a never ending twirl
Ironed out white silk
A broken veil upon my head
I'm the invisible one.

When I speak and think on the life
I was born into
I see it whistle among the bark
Where insects with fairytale like wings surrender.

I stroke your face when I see you
Because I don't know how long I'll get to
And the arrogant side of me
Thinks I wanna be special and nourish you
In all the ways the ones before didn't.

Tokyo gleams from far away
With strobe lights sliding to and from
Neon ecstatic hibernating in a bright place
Harajuku girls echo from the window sill
Of every building I enter and exit
We enter and exit.

It's true
That I just need a little bit of cherishing
Words of affirmation from you
Just everyday
It's true
That I need solid communication
It's true
That in the tango we dance
Side by side
I share, a well of flies surrounding my honey ***
Your honeycomb
I'm oozing flavors of sensuality
But I buzz the loudest for you.

It's almost really frustrating
Because I've got the snouts and mouthes
Of men around me
But yet I still reach the hardest for you.

I know you must see
That I buzz among them
When I need to feel freedom.

My words, watch them now
No ugliness meant
But somewhere in the light
I visualize and green and blue
Hitting your face the morning you held me
And said so closely to my eyes
"Next time, and then next time after that"
Tumbling in and out, I could have sat up
Straight into the sunlight
You came in like a hurricane
And I've always identified with hurricanes.

Something about home
Maybe it's in the way that every little interaction
With the past
Or my brothers and I bickering
Because there is an acute loss in our hearts
We have to leap over
Like the peacocks and chickens
We watched move and glide all around us
Today.

I was taking off on a big plane this time last year
I fell in love and almost got killed while I was there
Late in the graffiti, the rain pouring loudly all around me
I've never known such self-possession
I've never known such trust in strangers
And in moments it swung like a pendulum
Right or left
In the rain drenched streets of Vienna
Where I loved myself.

My love for myself has felt drained lately
Sometimes I think I'm such a self-important *****
Standing in glitter and gold
Holding a microphone
There she is: The Little Southern Girl That Could.

It's in the heat of that self loathing
That sometimes I dream up the best worlds.

I have to get ready now baby.
Butter my lips, my thighs
To sit and feign a smile all night
And watch my father
Walk the other way
At the end of the night.

I fear betrayal
Abandonment I've gotten to know well
And I know you lie awake late into the night
Buzzing, buzzing the loudest
I see you and have gotten to where I can sense
How your spirit contemplates
Or rests on it's side
I never want to be demanding, selfish
I text back
But the truth is,
I am.

I am all of those things
Selfless, incredibly generous
And sometimes I just want and need
Words of love
Looks from your eyes
And I think
We are chipping away at all this work
This relationship we have
And I spin away from my own reflection.

The truth is--
I've got the words tattooed to the inside of my arm
And I hope some time
You'll stop and take the time to read it
Without me even noticing.

I think perhaps you know it well
But is in the words I write
That I think and hope
I get to show you a piece of myself
I otherwise may--
Could not.
And that's why I always long for words back
From you
Because I need to see the naked parts
The selfless, incredibly generous
Selfish
Parts of you too.

But lastly,
In this mound of letters I brought you
I wanna say that I'm glad
That for whatever reason
You stand strong
And intrigued
To twirl right with me
Even if my veil is broken.

The land of the pine
I've stripes of light painted across my
Body and face
Walking onto pine needles
The air smells, warm
Fresh.

I sat by the pond by what felt like
A little and long time
I close my eyes in and out of the sunshine
Urge myself to take long lean baths
Hibernating away from
All activity.

Filling my soul back up
With an ointment
Entitled self soothing.

I talked to myself my whole walk through
Noticing I've been feeling
A lot less
Like my magic is strong
There was a time when I felt
Or maybe it was just in moments
But I felt important
Even.

I try to drive water
Flutes of champagne
I'm the listener of the group
And for that reason
I sometimes have to take breaks away.

I got a coat that looks just like my insides
Attempt to not fret in the silence
But it's in the soothing silence
I see lens flares
And haunted reminders
But I'm always moving right on forward


Ease on up
Give yourself some lovin' now
I worry it's never enough
Everything is always so fleeting
So I fight
No no more fight.

Maybe just a coffee
A simple release
A bath soak
A little self lovin'
To fill the void up
I'll always sorta feel.

I remember when
I had the word Vienna
Etched in the curve of my name.

Everyone calls me Layne
And I quickly follow up
Not every time
But with my lovers, best
Marie.

I bought a jacket and a hat
Found and pinched out a sense of self
I never seemed to find anywhere else
But in the Austrian sunshine
Or how I can go anywhere
And make anything happen.

A friend and mentor told me last night
That I could move to Antarctica
And I would thrive.

Gold sequins
I felt sad you didn't come
Because everyone told me I should.

I've gotten to a place where in the highs
In the sky high moments
I don't always need the hand of a man.

I've seen all sides of it
And I don't live without admiration
But the validation I seek to give myself
It's plentiful
And then sometimes so empty.

You don't say anything in regards to the words that I write you
But I think maybe somewhere it effects you
Like how difficult it is for us to ever part ways
To pull ourselves off of one another
I've started to show you what's hiding under my skin.

He put his arm around me
While we stood on the stage
My hair grows longer
I tire myself out
And wonder where I'm supposed to end up
In time.

It's in the height of the intimacy
That I run wild, fractals warn me
That it will never just be you and I
So my cat snoozes
I work through it all
My work is the thing that will always be all mine.

I've changed so much
In so little and long a time
Do you see how we've also already grown?

I'm so in love with you and I don't know how to not be.

a poem for your wednesday
I was wondering
If you thought the clock ticking by
Made what we have more precious

I asked if you looked at the back of the note
I left on your longboard
Because I wrote it in a haze
After lifting my spirit up and out of the ground
I know you'd never seen my cry like that
I know deep down you think it's
So pretty so **** when the wetness
Fills my eyes and thighs.

Never meant to fall into the lake
The very lake I claimed was empty
The water had been taken away
Over seconds and moments
You've refilled both of our cups.

There is a comfort and deep pleasure with you
And I know you think and want to find it
No where else
But everywhere else
In time neon lights and an echoing prism
Simultaneously trapped and lifted us up.

I value everything about you
A smoldering respect but a fear of loss
Drips down my legs
If I could have you all to myself
I'd both open the door and turn the other way.

Ropes and whistles warn the sight of
Two women wanting your attention
I am pulled into a tug of war
We both say you never know, we don't know
As the word perfection or sweet nothings fill your spit
That I cover you in to make you feel good
And never forget.

I'm cocky and vulnerable
Temperamental and radiant
Easy to love and make fun of.

I cried this morning to my best friend
As we spoke about you
Because I can disappear into the thought
Of saying goodbye to you
Leaving this place
And the thing we took so much time to build.

I told you that first morning
That I couldn't wait to watch you grow
Little pretty bohemian words have etched into
Your long lean spine
I'm sure you look so cute in my shirt
As a tinge of pain asks me to not think on you taking
It off for anyone but me
As fair weather waters remind me that you have chosen
To keep your feelings of pain and jealousy away
But my dear, I just don't believe you
Not with the way that you can't stop turning to me
With your body, your mind, your eyes, your soul
After all that time of fighting it.

I  haven't sent you my thoughts or words in a moment
Every scene we develop, our hearts grow stronger
And that's what makes it all worth it baby
That's what makes the sting of sharing you
Okay for me for now.

You can see so much growth
In the garden of prisms
I love it best when you choose me
And I mean every lick of that
As a meaningful flirtation.

See you Friday.

xo

There is a heat that comes
A sharp short pain
Usually followed by a coming of tears.

I drank wine with a girlfriend tonight
And talked incessantly about you
I went on a date earlier today
I open myself up, I'm opening.

I'm so good at this at times
Until the reminder of how in love with you I am
Comes back like a swing set of swords
And I realize with immense pain
That you seem to do everything you can
To avoid feeling real love
For me.

I recycle in my head
The ways that you did or didn't
Like how you tried to put your arm around me
Wiping away my tears
When we are together everything else seems to disappear
Don't you feel it
Don't you feel it too?

Loving you has been and always seems to be
Filled with pain
I sit in my silence
In order to try and establish
Not needing or wanting you so much
But also because I need to see
You, try.

I know you will
But I wonder if I make myself new for you
If I could just be that quantity you desire
You seemed somewhere along the way
To decide that you don't mind
Sharing me
So I do my best to lean into that
I do my best.

This relationship with you
Has been one of the biggest challenges of my life so far
And so I stand strong as you said
But not because you said to

But because I'm whole and full
And beautiful and so ****
Enough in myself
To do it.

For now.

Sometimes I'll look back
And watch or take in who you used to be too
Because I guess maybe somewhere in there
I think it will help me better understand
How to be a part of your life
For the rest of forever.

You said

I love you

Laughing so amused
It was a little baby accident
You followed it up with
I love it
After I stopped you, my mouth ajar
In a silly little girl way
We gush noises like children
I feel powerful when you point your camera
And I don't just orchestrate
I bring in the sound, the noise, the color.

You are brilliant and special
Giving yourself away into me
I was supposed to not let you do that anymore
But I didn't feel like ruining the moment.

Other men swim around me
I practice nonmonogamy
Like one would a harp.

I was thinking for a moment there that I didn't love myself
All that much
But today I spent some time with me
I spend some time with me right now
And I so do.

Mama moved into a new house
I moved down the staircases
Like some kind of demon on ice
Our quality of living has shot up a couple levels.

I have a walk in closet
My father doesn't know how to be a father
Anymore it seems
And I find myself looking into the faces of men
Longing and wanting that male presence.

I've given up on it
Or maybe just found refuge in what is right now
Though a simplification I can smell
And know is on it's way
Perhaps.

I don't drink much
But my body feels the hit of it
The next day
Slowing me down, my motivation has been
Less colorful.

I'm willing to own up where I must learn
Listening, I practice so much patience
Reaching into a platform where I didn't know I could be
But I don't get the quite same high feeling
Or I wonder what will be next
What else do I need?

I collapsed onto the floor not that long ago
And have let myself feel like an emotional diamond
Writing feels less expansive
But naturally floods through me
Like a mirror of light.

Dreams and plans
So many ideas brew and appear
Arising from the glass
Reaching right into it
I remember and think on the places I've been
And wonder
What's next
But stop myself
To be here now.

I thought I'd write about you some.

It's almost like a veil of complication and pain
Has somewhat lifted off of me
And I'm standing below the sheen fabric
Reaching up into it
And then letting my arms drop to my side.

I'm always kicking up pavement baby
You tell me you got a poem for me, crazy
But I ain't seen it
No where to be found.

We nestle and neck
Our long spines leading us up into--
Do you remember that day on set
Where I gave a speech and promptly sat
And went right back to work?

Your admiration and respect
It's something I hunted for with
A ferocious siren song
Like when I stood next to you on the boat
And you told me my make up was fantastical
That I was fantastical.

I believe you
I believe that statement most days
And in there somewhere
I love how I think you should and could love me
I used to think
Can't you see that I'm so good for you
Can't you see in all my prisms
I'm over here perfect for you?

The pain of that need
Has somehow faded
Maybe it's because I stabbed my fingers
Into a styrofoam skull
And I've gotten you to reply
That you adore me too.

I just can't sweat anymore
I try things out and I decide to try something better
I hope and I want
You to think of me in all the moments
You don't
But I'm not gonna torture myself over it
Not when I've decided I could play along.

I saw you in a way I haven't before
As I rode your body into the night
And longed for you three times
And though I want you baby
I know it's also just me
And my desire
That's how I just am.

There's something that's powerful there
You said you were so satisfied
And looked away and cried
Wiping away my tears while you held me
In your thin frame
It was only a matter of time
Until someone like you showed up.

I hope that deep down
In those bones you claim to be so closed off, so cold
That you look on this
With nothing but a multitude of immense love.

But also
I don't really need it anymore.

I've written so much tortured poetry
Using it in hopes of communicating
What I couldn't before.

Sometimes I think I'm in love with the idea of how I want
Someone to love me
And see me.

I long to be seen as real
All still wanting to be fetishized
Glorified, worshipped
Told I'm the one and only
All still while gagging me
And barking orders
Wanting
Just I.

I can't turn the brightness down
It's winter now.

My cat cuddles up next to me
Like a cat in an anime would.

I pinpoint bubbles and styrofoam
Holding fractals of light like a table
The sun shines down as I catch the rays.

I try to talk about it all less and less these days
I've spent so much time worrying and wanting
And tonight I think about the
Girl gangs, squads
Where we would twiddle and twaddle
Forgetting and listening
Very little.

I didn't do my eyebrows back then
My hair starts to grow down the nape of my neck
I'm always worried about dolla bills.

I practice not needing so much
Painting in an array of responsibilities
I whistle and I wait
I whistle and I hope.

I'm not sure what for
But it doesn't really matter does it
Standing in the crowd
Or sitting at the bar
I paid for nothing but ubers last night
Blinking away the dust
Everything is a little different now

And that's just fine
That's just fine.

I felt it bite me
At the nape of my neck
That lick of green.

He said it's really good to hear your voice
That I mean a lot to him
I drink prosecco and try to read up

Blissful moments in the warm southern sun
I reach and then I reach for no one
I wish to be me and I wish to be someone else
Always looking and hoping
To make a mark.

A flurry of stressed emotional voices
Surrounded me, surround me
I write and edit at my desk
Last day in the sweet lips of the south
Tomorrow.

I imagine you just like I always do
I move and shout and I scream inside
Responding like it's all fine
Because it is all fine.

Until the nape of my neck
And my arm pits begin to sweat
I wonder who we would be
If we really gave each other a shot?

A buzzing conundrum
Hiding among the pane of glass
Large and striped
Sending shivers down my spine
Someone please come exterminate them.

It's very cold in Chicago now
The bugs and the snow
In mid November remind me why I gotta go.

I make more coffee
And use two different cups
It's time to get dressed but I don't want to get stung.

You go back and forth between us
Like we too, hide and buzz
Among the pane of your windowsill
I wait patiently in my pain to be exterminated
Or stung.

Shaking off the feeling
Of the image the tarot card reader read for me
A man stabbed with ten swords
That's the place I've been living in
With all of this
And I'm not yet sure
How to not wait
How to not hurt
How to not expect stings.

You are gone now
So is my other lover
Home, abroad for the holiday
I'm glad.
It's almost like I've got Chicago to myself again.

It's been harder for me to want to pick up the pace
To run around with gumption each day
Someone I guess you could call an old friend
Messaged me after the event last night
And told me to keep being me.

Everything can change in an instant
I close my eyes, trying to let go and shake it
Out and up
I stay because I choose to.

Fighting off that aching feeling
Of what felt like healing kisses and words
You have such a hard time holding my gaze
When I fill the cup up with words
Your physical sensuality and your ***** talk
Does all the work.

I haven't been as into it lately--you're right.
Existing and breathing and fighting
To want to mean so much
You've got plans right after me
To see her.

Maybe I can sense it, feel it
The idea of this other girl in the room
I tease that it's me watching
How I'd get involved
We'd dismiss her at the end
Laying in bed together we finish the words
Of one another's fantasizes
Like it's some kind of exercise
I check the love I feel for you
I check it hard and at the door
I just don't know

That there is room for it here
Among the wasps.

It's here in the revealing of a window
Snow has come early again this year
A man says to me on Instagram.

I did what I was supposed to do
Knowing your sudden silence was because you
Were with her last night
I spent a morning dealing with hardships
I often walk away from my phone
I don't even know why it is that you keep me.

I left before class today
My feet soaked through from the snow
I think about Beyonce
I cried to myself because its at this time
At this age
Prime
Where it seems like someone could or should
So fully just choose me.

The truth is I don't actually really want to leave you
I don't really see a point in that right now
But I do plan to move away
Far away from this place
I can see the hands of time ticking by
Or I think about how I always seem to choose
To never be here.

I've done a lot in Chicago
My time is not yet up

But I'm gonna go.

I thought about leaving
My alarm sounding in the morning
Our faces drew lines across the floor
The night before
Making love was hazy
I pulled away in an instant
And replay all the ways
I've been fought with, tortured even
Watching the back of a man
Exit
Renter
And finally exit.

All of those men seemed to come back
Return again for more
As we laid next to one another
I told you what had been on my mind
Watching you process it in that deep dark way you do
Like you are light years away
Reaching for you
You reach back.

You're a beautiful and mysterious creature
Someone that could be around for it all
Maybe not in the same way someday
But our eyes flicker back to one another
Like we can't seem to give it up
Can't seem to give each other up.

You said you wrote two poems
Scolding you in the kitchen
Jam with bread
I hope you always feel connected to me
Even in the moments where we don't feel quite as heard
I hope the connection never dies.

I used to ask myself where have you been all this time
The times where I fluttered around this city
With a platinum blonde mane
Drank and did drugs a lot
Like I had nothing and everything to lose
Or I'll think about the me I was in Philadelphia
How sporty and cool I was right after graduation
I think maybe you would have liked her the most.

I fantasize about you caring for everyone but me
Even the older versions of myself seem better
And that's probably the point of my achilles heel.

I woke up and held you for what felt like a long time
Before I left for Los Angeles
I had words I couldn't quite seem to find
As you slumbered and turned away
My hands started to write you notes
Like I used to do
But I didn't
I wasn't sure it would matter
So I went and left
And thought about never coming back.

Kissing you in the morning
Looking into your eyes
Do you feel it too?
Like when we connect everything around us becomes
Hazy, blurry, insignificant?
And I know you well enough to know
None of that is coated in badness
To momentarily forget ourselves, for a time
No, if anything it's the most heightened feeling
Humanity looks for
I think and believe.

It reminds me of sitting in classrooms
Of delivering speeches
All of the grass stones I'd leap upon
As a child in the Alabama sunshine
I mean it when I say I'll bring you sometime
Someday
For fried catfish
And southern lovin.

I know what it means to come from a broken family too
Maybe within the brokenness
The deep emotive caverns of our inner silence or
Noise
Or the way our eyes are light and our eyebrows pale
Maybe it's within that commonality, we love.

Geology, goodness
You've got your own theories
We teach and we swing
Batter up
Batter up right into you
I explain in hisses that I just like to spar
I like to spar because so few can keep up
We both have our own shields.

I don't know what any of it means
I don't know that it matters
I'm not so much interested in the big picture of life anymore
Here in the moments
Where your touch makes me tremble
Or I make you laugh for a reason I don't understand
Or we reminisce on how we danced
Saying goodbye all the way to the door of my front porch
You wrote me before because something was on the line.

When you go home and find yourself resting
Fingers etching, find the comfort of knowing
That even a syllable from you
Would make me smile.

Sometimes I'll fantasize
Imagine what would happen
If you just spoke up
Got in my face
Told me how you really felt

The you I see in my head
I placed him on a pedestal for quite some time
Sweeping it under
Away from that place
Sometimes the you I imagined
He'll reappear from time to time
And I'll even see him in flickers
Like when you came in
So comfortable
Opened and handed me a beer
With a wet kiss.

I wonder what time will say about us
5 years from now
Who you'll be
Where I'll be
My hair long and healthy
Longer than yours.

The new one tells me how he thinks of me
He says I'm unlike anyone he's met before
He wants to talk, discuss
Our *** life
I struggle just to talk
Just to talk with you
Though you claim
You always want us to be on the same page
I know you do
There is just often a quiet barrier
You told me the last time we made love
That it's broken when we touch
That this is something special we shared
I remarked as we were falling asleep
That every week I try to run off
And every week you convince me to stay.

This week I think I won't run off
I'll just breathe through it
Like I did among the warmth
Want and need much less
Even though it's brutally cold
Even though I don't want to live here
Sometimes
Even though I feel lots of fear

Why bother with it

Why bother with it?

Be here.

I melted among the palm trees
Spun my wheels among a holographic pastel sky
Drank my coffee in the morning
And thought about little and big lies.

I spent some time away
Back into my own corner, my own space
I know deep down in there
A love for me resides
But somewhere in returning to the skyscraper
Filled midwestern skyline
I feel tears well up inside
Any old little thing jars at my emotions
It's cold and I fear chipping away at the same old thing
I feel trapped and relive old emotions
Never enough sage to start over.

I asked you what I meant to you
As you got into your uber that night
You texted me while I was away
Admitting just for a moment
In that sarcastic way you do
That you miss me so what.

When I think of her or the pain you caused me
Though forgiveness has become our name
I feel a deep pain that still has not gone away
Kissed and held you into the night
And into the morning
Leaving you in my bed
With little to say back.

So I just ultimately say less back
I cry to myself afraid I'm going against my own nature
Wondering if its okay for me to do what I want
In your eyes
As this happiness you claim you feel for me
If its just so you can run free

I'm not sure
There is no real way to know
I miss how among the sunshine I didn't fear any of this
Or need your love or validation
But something about Chicago
Something about being here and residing in not knowing
In not being frequently communicated with--
I let it slip and slide off of me

Because only I can manage my right now
My present time
And my future.

Sometimes I turn my phone off
Because I don't want to be near the waiting
I've found myself feeling tired
Hibernating away as the leaves begin to fall
Hoping that tomorrow
I'll have a bit more of a kick in my step.

You seem worn down and drained
Letting yourself have me on my bed
You kiss me hard and with such emotion
Like you've been waiting a long time
For those wannabe Barbie kisses.

I was once in love with the purity that I thought was here
Sometimes I'll look through the cracks
Feeling as though it's all been gone
There is a restless boyhood to you
But it felt so good to stand on the other side of the party
And catch your eye
In my white long wig
And holographic pants
You pulled down around my ankles.

We didn't even take all our clothes off
You speak to me as I gasp for air
Knowing me in a way now
That most do not.

I know we both felt it the moment we met
I remember the baseball cap I wore
How I sat across from you
I knew it the moment I first heard your name
And couldn't find a single picture of you
On the internet
Yet.

I don't think we will be together ultimately
But I value the time we have now
As you become more comfortable with
Kind pet names
I watch you pull away from my face caresses
Almost as if my love
You fear it could sting you
It's palpable and effervescent
I know you know how much fun I can be
Buying you any little thing
Taking care of you how I can
I want to be so successful so that I don't have to worry.

I said at the beginning to myself
That I'd never been with a cinematographer before
You make time for me
I make time for you
I seem to always be leaving.

You said
You don't want to foster jealousy
I wish there was a world within which
You would look at me
And decide it was just me you wanted

But you're too caught up in fearing
What you might miss out on
While all at once
Keeping me.

What I want to say
What I would do if I could
The moments where you stop speaking
I watch you immerse yourself
In the silence
Where you calculate my words
And saturate them with your own feelings.

You looked so beautiful
As my mind and my eyes
Watched all of the cars and city lights
**** right behind your head
In moments we scratch each other
Only to lean back in.

There is a deep darkness to it
I think about the way your face would light up
When you would first see me
When you first started seeing me.

We're able to acknowledge that it's happening now
The frequency of it
Someone asked us where we met
I wish you could just let yourself fall in love with me.

I think I'll always wish that about you though
I worked through a forest to arrive here now
Another love reaches out a hand
With a comforting calm
And the spirit of someone
Who values dialogue.

I wonder to myself if he and I
Are better together on trips
I wonder if you and I
Struggle to find time
Because we are so caught up
In ourselves.

I think we kissed before you had to go
As a flood of flashing lights
It was so fun to dance with you
Dividing our time up
When you don't answer me I worry
But I know there is no point
No point in climbing into a hole
Of feeling neglected.

You said you like tom boys
I said you bring out the girly side of me
I've done so much to adapt to this.

He putters around the kitchen
Turns on the sink
I let him hold me and cushion me
With his soft hard kindness.

He gives gifts as tokens of admiration
And seems to know where everything is that I've lost
He knows just how to turn the record player on
In the little cottage
We let ourselves
Disappear inside of.

He's got words of kind resolution
And speaks endlessly of his passions
As his spectacles make up his face
And the little bit of a place
He's claimed for himself in my life.

Rubbing away the days
Where we pour our art into what we've got
I wonder if I'm a confusing hurricane
But then again I've always been
Just more grounded now.

Time for bed.

It must be time for bed
You concealed it from me so well before
I felt so cared for, searching for more
Uncovering what you didn't tell me
You rationalized it to me today
When I was just looking for
Some kind of me too moment with you.

I asked you for a poem long ago
You never sent me one
Except for when you thought I was long gone.

I feel like this is a time when I wish I could spell it out
Teach you some things with my words
Have you read it over and better understand
Me and where I'm at
In the cottage with another man

But what is it worth
I'm always a little bit concerned
That I'm taking steps back
By revealing my cards
And it's because you keep your head down so tightly
It's because you play in charades of a biting sarcasm
And a wit tinged with a knowing pain
You'll be one of those loves of my life
I think back on
For a long time.

I meant it when I said
I'll bring you to me to shoot someday
Even if our lives have changed
I just want you to love me
And to admit it fully.

The ceiling fan casts a shadow down on me
I skip out, go outta town
You said her name to me today
Like it would be a casual cool thing to say
We don't wanna argue
No I know we don't wanna argue.

You keep me and teach me
I tell you who it is I'm seeing
Smokey red wine
Editing time after time
I try to remember to swim into the good
I wonder how long I can keep this going
But I know me coming and going
Plays a big part.

I think I'll tell you the truth
If and when it comes up
It seems like you haven't yet
Settled it or maybe you wonder
But I think you're so lost in yourself
You don't really know.

Do you remember the way
I moved on set
Feelings of love it must interject you
I play alongside the monopoly game this has become
Knowing it's good for me and my insides
But it aches to not be your only
Or to imagine what you do or say
To someone who isn't me.

Don't you feel that too?
I guess that's why you are a Gemini.

For so long I didn't even know
It's just fine for you to keep this up
You think about it
But you don't do anything to change it
I sometimes wish I could have had you
When you tried to convince girls to be with you
I wish I had known that Alex then
You mention him sometimes
Like we would have truly been friends.

But I've got you where you and I are at now
Sometimes I want to pull out daggers and fight you
I keep wishing and thinking maybe you'll see
I don't want to write about us and this
Like this anymore
But with all the love there comes pain.

I'm in a beautiful cottage
I have a lump in my throat
Since I woke up and turned on my phone.

I'm trying to calm down
Easily, peacefully
Unsure of what exactly it is that I need.

Jealousy swarms throughout my body
I wonder if you feel it too
You must.

But it doesn't really matter
None of it really matters
As I read through a book
Assuring me that I must find and trust
My own validation.

I feel like I could pace around the whole place
I wish I didn't get hung up in feeling taken for granted
Or like I'm always longing
For what I don't have.

I have so much to do
I'm not sure how to attack it today
So I attempt to allow myself
To breathe
To release
To not need everything
But myself
And this moment
Right now.

My body feels like the whale in the deep ocean
A tired mass
Smoothly ******* up fish

Purple pants
Packing up my bags all month
Making time for my lovers
When and if I can

We sayin over here we likin this
This slutty me I’ve become
Ethical but quiet

I embrace and educate
I don’t feel the same kind of weeping

Goin on vacation
My body bleeds like it’s a woman
I think of pampas grass
And all the plans and emails
To come

Grass
Trees
I soak myself all up in it
Transforming
According to who my audience is.

He said he’s never known someone so well connected
I said I miss you already
He said I miss you already too
As he stood at the foot of my bed

We pause and we swap spit
Struggling to communicate in moments
I’ve threatened to leave a dozen times
And you still stand with your hands outstretched
We watch and make movies
We spend time like the few dimes
We collect.

We have been through much
Needles and vines
The word love doesn’t escape our lips
But I know we both must feel it.

You give yourself over to me in your passion
Like you want to **** me out of existence.

The love with you brings me a quiet pain
That I can’t quite put my finger on
But it aches to love you the way I do
You say I take such good care of you
As you ask me who I might have to explain
The marks you left behind on me neck
When you fully know.

I love you
I whispered it into the crook of your shoulder
Because I’m sure
You need my silent loving
Even if it remains silent.

I wish I didn't wonder
Didn't always wander back over to the feeling
But when will someone really love me
Again.

But here I wander back over
In the faint light of the lamp by my hotel bedside table
After a day, an evening
Of beautiful conversation
New atmosphere, new connection
Ending and cultivating with a warm bath
I haven't had in ages
Picking my face apart in the mirror
And yet I wonder
When will someone love me again.

I reveal secrets and I reveal truth
I don't have time like I used to
I'm gone and then I'm there
I long and I wish
For someone to often care.

I hold more than one man
In the palm of my hand
When I speak of them
I refer to how the past has been brutal
So I keep my options always
Fairly open.

I love myself and yet it is never enough
The moments of glamour
The coffee cups
The dresses I wiggle in and out of
I gaze in the mirror thinking how I need more time
To get my body into tick top shape
I fear lipsticked teeth
I fear living a life with no companion
And no companion to call me theirs.

I scroll through aesthetics hoping for a sense of relief
I take a cute but not too **** but **** video
And hit send send
We dream we make big plans
I think and I hope for money to come in
Knowing I only have so many
Many hours of the day.

My nails shine like diamonds
He said my eyes were sparkley
It bumps me up into a dose of happiness
It all does for a moment in time
Sometimes I wish I could keep it just at the peak
Never to falter
Like the moments I've snorted *******
Even though I didn't really want to
But did anyway among the height of Chicago sunrises
And fast furious dances.

I'm tired most of my days
But I've found a way to survive it
As a troop of filmmakers surround me
Their faces old and their voices wise
I want to feel and be youthful all of my days.

And yet
I still always wish
When will someone love me someday.

I've been reading books
Trying to adopt and take on new things
Sometimes I honestly can't ******* stand
The casual and boring nature
Of modern romance.

Yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn yawn
I remember when there was a time
Where I said out loud to my ******* friends
Like some little girl speaking of her prince charming
"I think he's in Chicago.."
Like I could predict the future
Like I had any kind of inkling
What the **** I was doing
And making of love.

But it got me here
It brought me like a blonde flame
Up and out of that cab
With all my bags
My hair big with a streak of green
Like I was gonna ******' take over everything
And I kinda did
And have.

It never really feels like enough
As I let down several layers of **** I've hidden behind
I get to tired and just want to speak the truth.

A mentor and teacher said to me today
When I told her how good I see her as being
That she feels that way when she looks at me too.
I said I didn't feel it
She said she didn't either
She feels like a mess inside.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for now
I wish that I felt happier on the days
Where I talked to no man
But I guess I'm still working on that.

But for now
I ******* give up
And feel like ****.

So I turned my phone off
And am going to bed.

Even if I called it quits and gave them both up

I'd feel a lot of loss and wish I hadn't
It's hard to live in this place
And in this apartment
Though it feels like a moment
I'm meant to take up
Entirely on my own.

I wish that I felt happier on my own

I know that this isn't always the case
But I do sincerely feel better
If I'm in the midst of romance
When things are occurring and keeping up
Often and when I want them too
I'm sure many feel this.

I have so much to read
Imagining their hands on someone else
I wonder if I'm just ******* fooling myself
"Never give men the benefit of the doubt, at least that's what I've learned."
A friend of mine said today
When discussing the new boyfriend of a woman I used to sleep with
As we wondered if she knew.

Surely she must.
?

I know you cannot find happiness
Through the eyes of another
But I do wonder
How so many find and keep
Maintain
Though mine are still there
Wanting and trembling
As I'm gone so often
And portray a cool but meaningful
Demanding presence
Distant.

I think of how much I just want to move someplace else again.

My mind wanders to the couples that watch television together
Make love, cook, clean, take out the garbage
I think of the times I have had that
The many times
And how fulfilling and unfulfilling they all were.

I don't really know what I'm doing right now
Sometimes I feel totally free and at peace with it
But at this moment
Almost like clock work
I feel neglected, forgotten, too chill

And bored.

I spent all this time
Discussing and moving through hula hoops
Loosening my body
So that it could reach it's utmost depth.

I moved among nature
Made sound into moans
By day four it's like you both got used to my absence.

Is it because I'm so the cool girl
Is it because I play a little bit hard to get
Is it because whenever I feel controlled by my love life
I turn my phone right off?
Just for a bit.

A new friend told me last night
Warned me rather,
Of seeking security--validation I coined it
From the romantic relationships I'm in
She spoke of love and *** so casually
Like it was made for us all to do
And I've noticed the folks most secure in their own
Relationships
Can most easily give that kind of advice.

I'm 28 now
I've let go of trying to find a husband
I put up with *******, but only so much of it
I'm not rushing, I'm not searching
I just want companionship and some really good ***.

I feel the coming cold of Chicago
And I realize within myself every inch of it
That my time here is coming to a close
And it doesn't have to be filled with disappointment
Though I do feel it
Even when I hear the name of a person of my past
Who fills his days up with babies, diapers, a new wife
I've just seen and watched so many of the men
The men that were my men
Pass me by.

I'm hard to get, I'm free, the cool girl
Who yet still seems to demand meaning
And honest conversation
The word resentment enters my mind sometimes
Like just wondering if they feel it towards me at times
I hang up the phone hastily
Tired of hearing not what I want to hear
As soon as one of them reaches
The other does in unison

It reminds me of when I was 13
I'd be on AIM messenger
Talking to three teenage boys at once
Bing bing bing
The chats would all go at once.

Am I still
That little girl
Staring at the soft glow of a screen
Make up washed off
Pjs on
Eating a bite
Typing or speaking quickly
Hoping for a sense
Of belonging
Somewhere in
Love.

I feel a little bit of a sense
Of feeling lost
As the bright light that feels like a summer heat
In the midst of October
Glistens and hits my windows
Reminding me it's almost time to leave again.

Sometimes it feels like it is never enough
Our palms hold and touch
Your eyes absorb me all in
Like ice aflame
There is no denying our connection
As much as I'd like to make it small
Smaller.

I expand my limbs
Making big strokes on the internet
Hoping and looking for some kind of sense of self
I drink up coffee, ginger shots
Text another man
You leave and always come back.

I know you fear the future
The present is the biggest contender yet
My body aches from the late nights
Where I get little sleep these days
But my lovers give me lots of touching
Lots of loving.

You walk along the ring of fire
Words drip and struggle to release from you
I'm here with open arms I reassure you
Though I know and feel our time is limited
Do you ever feel that in your heart
Does it cause you pain like it does me?

You mentioned that I was cuter than your other lover
I told you I'm a good partner
Steering you towards a calm peace
I think of my time in Philadelphia
I think of all the different lives I lead
Preparing, drifting, claiming a present feeling.

Coffee.
Ginger shot.
Water.
Left over pizza.
Watching edits.
Therapy.
Gratitude.

No need to announce my departure
Or make you or I
Feel discarded
I just say little, I say less
Turning my back in the coffee shop
Why all the boys I've kissed gotta follow me

Lit some sage to burn a new vibe in
Sleeping, October is the month of travel
I scream freedom into the crevices
Of a holographic plane.

I got the word womxn spell out on my wall
Gettin' worried sometimes cuz
Everyone think they can be a filmmaker
Gettin' worried ***
I'm not just gettin' started
I'm gettin somewhere.

Moving into seeing where I could go
He said it's interesting being with someone
Who's a little bit of a celebrity
I smile a little bit to myself
Just a little bit tho.

It runs on wheels, squeaking
We halt and we run forward
He wrapped his arms around me
As the dark already surrounded us
The night sky saying
Get what sleep ya can.

Stolen kisses when we think no one lookin'
He asked me out on vacation
I say can you plan it baby
Can you plan?

He mentions the desire to shower with me
Placing his hands on me
Like there could be a love that blossoms
We tilt our heads up
You looked so good in that hoodie.

My body wants you
Blinking past my past
Vulnerability is the biggest turn on
You're a true ally.

My hair grows down my neck
I wake up in the morning
Thinking maybe I'll say and show less on the internet
My eyes close and think of my full length mirror
Or that vintage ***** clothes hamper
And how I opened up my home
Selling it all away.


I tell my therapist I'm nervous 'bout leavin'
Don't wanna just go to go
Singing in my own microphone
I dream of not being far and ahead enough.

Prioritizing self care
I paint pictures inside of myself
I used to focus so much on my looks
My face and my soul feeling
Eons old.

My ex is deep in love, he got a baby
He got a baby
But didn't wanna have no baby
No, not with me
I was too much his baby
Already.

I wonder and examine
The little bit of pain I bite into
I say out loud today
That love with Alex all coated in pain
It got me cryin' silently
Ain't nothing quite like
Lovin' someone who don't wanna love you.

I laid underneath your body
Begged you let's be sweet and rough
All at once
While you neglect me
You reach, but only in your reach
Do I see how much of you is missing.

Nursing you, loving you
There was a time where you were someone else
Deep in my heart and in my mind.

I see you and this differently now
I know you want me
Hard kisses and those moments
Where I thought it was more pure
Than it actually is.

I was just wondering
If it made you feel a little bit of
Jealousy
I was wondering when
If you thought of me, my skin
On another mans
If it made you feel
At all a little bit
Ill.

You peek through the cracks
Start to type text
I see the three animated dots appear
Only to watch you delete them and stop.

I fell underneath the water, swept up
By the undertone
Of you using the word lose

I had to ask for what I wanta
But can't you *** on ta
Seeing that there is much more to this
To me.

Echoing into the pale rainbow I soak myself into
I let go
I let go
Releasing, lights cascade up and out.

I remember the way you found me
The way I found you
Pizza, you had so many complaints
Feeding you options
You don't make it easy
As I shake my head in the living room
Light sage
And exert

Little to no effort.

He held me in the coming autumn air
And said to my ear and to my eyes
I don't want to lose you Layne Marie.

Like the pendulum of a clock I'd been waiting
Wistfully waiting on those words
Our schedules sending us in polar opposite
Directions
I finger paint my hopes and dreams
Into the earth
But I don't pick any one thing or man
Out.

I explained to my therapist
The kind of dream man I've always envisioned
I remember when there was a moment there
Where I thought it was just you and me.

So I tumble into the hay
A camera deep in the palm of my hands
Sitting among the front of an audience
I adjust my skirt, my arms
I'm always wanting and needing more money.

We went through the maze
And seem to have found our way out
It became a bit gory and toxic there for a moment
I flutter the lids of my eyes
Hugs and drugs soaring
And just try to let it be
Let myself be kind
Patient
And not because you told me so
I just allow myself to expect
Nothing
All around.

When I talk to mama
At night she's been drinking
There is a solemn quiet feeling
She's gotten herself out of the house
Already


I'm glad
I want to see things move on
She calls my dad's new lover
A *****
Nothing but a *****


I think of her there
In a new house
From one big house to another
And I think of that missing piece
It's like she would have handed my father the phone
But he isn't there to answer
Laugh in the background
Call out like he would have
And it's not because he has passed
It's because he has chosen not to be there.

It hits me like a deep cut
So I don't think or talk about it often
As it haunts me like the fear
Of longevity, marriage, aging, failing
It's almost like mama wishes she had
Something or someone to offer up
And I wish I did too
But there is just quiet
Noise.

Tears don't escape me about it often
I went on dates with boys after it first happened
And told them all about it
Perhaps hoping for a deep sympathy
And feeling hurt when things didn't last
Like I had shared a part of myself with them.

Because I did.

My eyes drift and close
You never think that your parents might choose
To not choose one another
And you just have to hope
You just have to hope that everyone can find
Their peace
Their bliss.

The night sky hung over us like a mirror
We moved from one side to the other
Your body, your air, your breath next to mine.

You made me laugh until my stomach hurt
Balancing on scales
We trace the lines on a map with our fingers
I like that you too, are a keeper
A dreamer of words.

You engulfed my body with yours
I check my jealousy
Whenever I feel it
Closing and blinking out
Another love from my mind
Our lips didn't kiss
Just yet
Deciding to take it slow
In the tent of the night
Where we slept on dirt and insects.

You portray a buzzing, a bee
And described me as an extraordinary treat
Opening my chest up when words
Float out of other people's mouthes
I allow every word to matter
And I keep it deep within me
Because I know how much I need it.

You wrapped yourself around me
Feeling my ribs, my bones, my body
Pulling me onto you
I sigh in the desire
My mouth opening and sighing
In and out of stories
Secrets
You seem to express yourself
With a tender charismatic ease.

You're the mystery they said
The smart one
A philosopher
I open the door to music
To painted dreams
Let's see.

Do you remember the way
That we'd act before anything happened
I remember our first couple of texts
And when we talked on the phone
The sound of your voice made me nervous
Typing in notes, trying to match your level
I felt like I had so much to prove.

You are tall and lean
Your hair swings when you let it down
I can look up into your face
But we are pretty neck and neck
In life
In our careers
In where we reside
In the way we look at art
Life
Maybe love, a little bit
At least.

I wore a purple blazer
The glow filling my face
You set up lights
I sit at tables and delegate
You dream of visions and lenses
I dream of
I'm not entirely sure actually.

You dangled high expectations before me
In my baseball cap I'd leap up and swing
Right into ownership, a self proclamation
It was you and your crew
Versus me and my crew
We sat on a bench
I remember the way we communicated
It was strong and direct
Whirling through long days
I started to enjoy standing by your side

I wanted to do whatever I could
To make sure that you felt cared for
A tug of war where I would secretly
Boomerang back and forth.

I wore red, long, sparkling eyes
We sat together, texting before
I grew to like you
I grew to favor you
I liked that we had something no one else had.

I remember the way we left the party together
And the way I danced with and away from you
Sometimes now, I'll play music and we'll get up and move together
I think to emulate that first night.

I don't want to think of myself as an interruption any longer
And I sometimes wonder when you think on me
If you marinate on the words I've given you
Or when your eyes meet mine
If you remember some of the lines
I fed you with an iridescent spoon.

You are very special to me Alex
Gratitude drifts up through the vines that entangle my bones
Like a flurry of flowers that cascade in and out of my spine
Glad that you can soak in and take in all the letters--
With your antics and the way you get nervous
Your solid colored t-shirts and your desire
To reach out and express
Attempting to give yourself what you want
I drift in my own cloud of holographics and paint.

The window you reach through
I've opened it
Though my heart and my legs do not
Relish in one place with you
And with you alone.

But even still
When we return to the well
And think on the water we both wanted to drink
At least we'll know
We gave each other a good lovin'.

I'm not going to forget about you
He said
Expelling sighs, disappointments
I throw punches because I never really got to.

I canceled my whole day
Pink sweatpants became my name
Slept deeply and tried to forget.

He called me with vague words
As I spun in circles and spoke out
I didn't know there was someone else
This whole time as I laid on my yoga mat
At the end of class
The sweat and the tears
All becoming one fluid.

I try to heal my bones, my heart
Feeling the darkness that has ascended above me
Reaching up with avid arms
I give myself a break
I try to give myself a break.

Tomorrow we'll have to sit near one another
I wave and then wave goodbye
It's like every time you reach for me
I just want more
And you have offered all you have to offer.

I don't know what will happen from here
I stand inside my vulnerability
Wishing I could just have all of you
I was the interruption
I was the new girl
I was the one who came in
What feels like
Last.

Sending you pretty words
Was starting to become so cathartic
But I put a stop to it for now.

You stood against the wall
Your hair pulled up like
You don't take the time to wash it.

I swept in like a flame
My London Fog on
Waving into the air with fingertips
Crystals on ice
My body craves your touch
But I nod and side step.

You didn't stay long
We sort of said
Hello
Goodbye
Do you remember when
At the end
I said "to be continued.."
And you thought that meant I wanted you
In my bed.

Maybe I sorta did
Dishes shattered to the pavement that day
Your eyes large and full of dusk
Another one of my relationships
Ending right on the cusp.

It is chilly now
I think of the pants and scarves
And the autumnal things
That make me up.

She's blowin' up she's hitting that pave--
Ment.
I twirl into my own prisms
Batons of fire in either palm
Don't come close unless
Your heart is open.

You know how I feel about you
I know how you feel about me
And if I felt like I could truly stay
I so would.

I wish I could
I wish we could be so sassy together
Like you described last night
Sitting on our hands
There is no way to deny
The undeniable attraction.

Do you remember when
We would say things like that to each other
When we would make love?

It's hard not to
Fall back into
You
A long hug
You pressed my body into yours
Kissing my neck like
You may never get to again
My lips black
Like you must have
Neglected them
For a full months time.

You said you like it
You like the poetic responses
I sweep up branches and limbs
That fell while you were gone
Rebuilding the shelter around me
You reach through my window
A prism of light, you can't help but want it
But baby I need you to want all of me.

I know you can't and you won't
I know you aren't gonna walk away
From the freedom you claim you seek
So I watch you watch me go.

It's September now
It's the month I was born and raised
Balancing beams and justice filled things
Pumpkins appear and take flight
I prepare for a busy ride.

Maybe we can start a new
But you're right
Honesty must not only be your water
It must become your refuge.

Every little moment of life

Is an epiphany of some kind

Every beat, every second
Leads into something else
Reminds you of the past
Funnels you into your present
Or aids you in the steps towards your future.

I remember the girl
With the pig tail braids
The Boy Scout shirt

And nothing but the need
To create and be art.

I love her.
I love her because she is me.

I can't believe you were

Dishonest, wearing a veiled mask
With me all this time.

It makes me shake my head
To see the truth revealed
In a way that makes me lose my breath
Even still.

I got used to you not being around
To the quiet silence
Of your partnership
Slowly failing me
And your romantic words and soft touches
No longer being enough.

I think I'll dress like
I'm attending the funeral of our love
Tomorrow night.

Your name and your face cause me pain
It is the most painful
To watch someone you love
Watch you go.

But there are consequences to this
I dance through ribbons and lace
And prance away
Into my own light.

I was wondering if you were aching for me too?

Our paths intertwine but separate
I reach and make an excuse
Only to duck out again.

Leotards and fairy wings
That's how you see me
I wish it was just me you could choose.

But a choir sings songs against you
And what you have to bring.

I can get along with you, easy.
I don't need you--but you added something to my life
I'm surrounded by prisms of deception
But the thing is honey,


I have the most powerful and enchanting prism

Of all.

I can't believe

I have to leave

Yet another man.