Everything is white and a little blue

I spilt expensive expresso on the comforter
Late nights chatting, spinning
I never seem to stop twirling
In the color, in the light, in the buzz
My face and my body often feels tired
It's honestly no wonder
Sometimes I just want to get ******
And my eyes looked into
So that I don't even have to remember
My purpose in this world.

When I go out, I'll end up drinking a lot
Champagne tastes best
When you enjoy every drop
I'm glistening I'm listening
I'm just trying to move through the
Awareness of losing you
The loss of letting you go
Into the rest of your existence
Without me.

I know that if I wanted to change that
I probably easily could
I wonder how you wonder on me
My head tilts to the side
Like a newborn puppy dog
Or a plastic figurine
Like the ones I would tear apart
And reinvent as a girl.

I'm in search of another rebirth
I don't know where or how I'll find it
I grow my hair out long
Shaping, shaping who I'm evolving into
And in my weak moments
I think it's all just too bad
It's bad we couldn't grow any further
Together.

Do you remember how
I scouted all around Chinatown
Do you remember how when you wanted something
I'd make it so?

I dance among bridges that burn
But it's because of my own light
I lit the flames
I'm always blossoming
It wasn't until the end
You were even with another
Reading my poetry
Reaching out for me almost steadily
And as I put it
You then went and ran.

It hurts but it feels like truth
I saw you for who you really are
And it doesn't make you evil
Undesirable
I just saw you.

You gazed at me
Remarking on the intensity
I'm like a drug
What you have with me is like a drug you said.

In the end
I know I did nothing wrong here
And that's been the thing I come back to sometimes
Maybe when we're older
And it's all past me
You'll see
But it's gone for me already
It's always been all gone.

It's time to lift weights
Time to cleanse
Time to find and sustain confidence
Buried in work, I long for kisses
And give myself deep doses
Of a lasting self love.