My little love.

You are growing inside me. 2 inches long they say. Arms and legs. Finger nails.

I love you.

I'm drinking
And smoking
Eating sushi
And deli meat

I remember when I was 17

I sat down on my dad's coffee table
And I cried

I said
"Daddy I'm tired. I'm so tired. I don't want to do this anymore."

And he said:
"I know kid. It never gets better. You just have to do it."

I am broken. I am sad.
I want to die everyday.
Little person.  

I knew I was pregnant months ago.
My depression kept me from doing anything about it.

I'm almost too far along for easy pills.
I can't afford anything else.

I'm going to **** you

I'm so sorry baby.

I'm going to take your heartbeat away.

Every day that I've been alive I have wished not to be.

You're half me.
You understand.

These aren't excuses. I feel sick. I feel sad. I feel broken. I feel like a murderer.


I love you.
You won't exist.
You won't hurt.
Your grandpa will take you home.
Long before I get there.



Say hi to grandpa baby.
Tell him I miss him and I'm sorry.

I love you so I won't make you do this.

Breaking News
I still want to die

We could both pretend
That 40 minutes was
Enough
For what you wanted to
Do to me

That girl
Knew
KNEW
That I was a threat
She scented it a mile away

Unlike the girl I spent the night with
Promising
That we were only friends

We could do better baby
You could hold me
Secretly
Nightly
Mostly


Hold me
Nightly
Baby
Today
And tomorrow
And today
And tomorrow

See the wildest part isn't
That I know you
Still read this


And you
Are lying in bed next to her
And I



LOVE her.


She is the absolute sweetest
Cutest
BEST

For you.
But you baby


Are falling asleep thinking
About me



Because I went home with him
And you with her
But eventually
We'll find out way back to each other


I miss you
And you miss me
And you have a baby
And I'm a ****


But I ******* love you
And I had a dream last night
Where you kissed my face
Come find me
We don't have to tell anyone
I'll feel you
I love you

The air is cool and damp in the mornings
So the ache of missing you is creeping in
Like how the old folks sense a storm
You are my storm
I slept thirty six hours trying to dream of you again
But you're a phantom inside my mind
Always just out of reach
Maybe this year you'll find me in the light
My beautiful faceless boy

Either say you miss me
Or tell me what you want from me
Are the options I pretend are on the table
Like I won't talk to you for hours
Like my heart doesn't skip
When your name comes on my phone

Explain to me
Why I miss you
When I know so well
That nothing was real
And you've loved on
(*Moved)
And I can't trust you
And I wasn't good enough





"It was real."

*******
****
You