Let me get drunk and trauma dump the last decade of my life on you while I apologize and explain all the ways ive been punished for my sins. So maybe you'll see that ive paid my dues. So maybe you'll feel a little bad for me and forgive me.

Maybe if I dump every im sorry you ever thought you deserved in your lap you might give me just one back. I spit out apologies with every sentence I utter. Im more accountable than I could ever be honest. I dont even know if I mean it anymore or if im just begging for grace. Maybe if God sees me he'll cut me a break.

If I give out enough apologies maybe some of the hurt I caused will subside and some of it that I feel will go with it. But no one wants to say sorry to me. So many times ive been hurt first I was just better at it so many times my return fire was bringing a gun to a knife fight. No one trusts me but I trust no one and all of my wounds are still bleeding. Im ripping open old scars to stitch them back up just begging for a bandaid on a wound that's been open so long it needs surgery.

I spent so long playing medic for people who's injuries were minor in comparison. Draining my lifeblood to fill in papercuts. Now im dragging myself across the feet of people I found in the desert begging for a drink of water who forget that I gave them my last bottle getting self righteous arguments in exchange for pleading with them for my life

I hope one day I'll stop wondering what it was like for you to sit and watch me ******* die while you look on and don't move a muscle.

Then maybe I'll be able to sew myself back together because I snapped my needle on your "tough skin" and wove my thread together to pull you back from the ledge just to trip and fall over once I got you back to safety
Now you're too afraid of heights to look at my mangled body at the bottom and love to talk about how I was the one who coaxed you to the ledge in the first place

Soon I'm leaving and I'll never have to look at you again.  Maybe the ghost of you wont haunt me in places that we've never been in a body you've never touched recording memories that aren't just taped over so many times that your silhouette is burned into the frame. Im praying for a breath of air that your carbon monoxide hasn't evaporated into so many times that the taste of you is still in my mouth.

Hopefully when my name stops coming off of your lips my ears will stop ringing that I get so far away that the image of my face starts to blur in your mind like an object too far in the distance for your camera zoom and when you finally cant picture me anymore the leash you locked around my neck will finally be worn through from all of these years of my relentless thrashing and I can finally fall to my knees free of the ownership you for some reason still have over pieces of me that im charred through and through from the cigarettes ive smoked trying to burn them away

I've been scrubbing my skin raw trying to cleanse myself of who I am in your mind for so long that ive erased any whisper of who I am really and maybe that's why all of pleas for help have been ignored not because they're falling on deaf ears but because I ran so deep into the Forrest that I am the fallen tree that no one can hear

Maybe if I light the Forrest on fire the ashes of my smoldering bark that get picked up by the wind can float back into the view of civilization to be rubbed between curious fingertips gazed upon by concerned eyes maybe if my smoke blocks out the sun and burns everyone's lungs I can be noticed again

Maybe then I'll be real again

I don't remember exactly what you said
But I know you held my hand
And I know you havent forgiven me

I love you too

My little love.

You are growing inside me. 2 inches long they say. Arms and legs. Finger nails.

I love you.

I'm drinking
And smoking
Eating sushi
And deli meat

I remember when I was 17

I sat down on my dad's coffee table
And I cried

I said
"Daddy I'm tired. I'm so tired. I don't want to do this anymore."

And he said:
"I know kid. It never gets better. You just have to do it."

I am broken. I am sad.
I want to die everyday.
Little person.  

I knew I was pregnant months ago.
My depression kept me from doing anything about it.

I'm almost too far along for easy pills.
I can't afford anything else.

I'm going to **** you

I'm so sorry baby.

I'm going to take your heartbeat away.

Every day that I've been alive I have wished not to be.

You're half me.
You understand.

These aren't excuses. I feel sick. I feel sad. I feel broken. I feel like a murderer.


I love you.
You won't exist.
You won't hurt.
Your grandpa will take you home.
Long before I get there.



Say hi to grandpa baby.
Tell him I miss him and I'm sorry.

I love you so I won't make you do this.

Breaking News
I still want to die

We could both pretend
That 40 minutes was
Enough
For what you wanted to
Do to me

That girl
Knew
KNEW
That I was a threat
She scented it a mile away

Unlike the girl I spent the night with
Promising
That we were only friends

We could do better baby
You could hold me
Secretly
Nightly
Mostly


Hold me
Nightly
Baby
Today
And tomorrow
And today
And tomorrow

See the wildest part isn't
That I know you
Still read this


And you
Are lying in bed next to her
And I



LOVE her.


She is the absolute sweetest
Cutest
BEST

For you.
But you baby


Are falling asleep thinking
About me



Because I went home with him
And you with her
But eventually
We'll find out way back to each other


I miss you
And you miss me
And you have a baby
And I'm a ****


But I ******* love you
And I had a dream last night
Where you kissed my face
Come find me
We don't have to tell anyone
I'll feel you
I love you