As you fade into memory;
become a part of history;
i learn to live without your presence;
inspired by your mastery.

Will pain abandon me one day
the way love's always done.
Will it reject me in all ways
that only love's known how.

Is 'once upon a time' a thing?
Does 'ever after' still exist?
What happened to those princesses
After they got their prince?

As you fade into memory;
become a part of history;
my faith fades alongside of you
all i am left with - misery.#

in a concrete box that you once called home
with nobody there, in silence, lights gone
you start to question “why am i, what for”
in a concrete box with no windows or doors. 

You think you’ll never sleep again or smile, 
your heart is now forever in exile. 
you search for answers trying to grasp air,
the reminiscence of what seems was never there

among the memories that might as well be dreams,
you wonder if anything is what it seems. 
you feel cold, out of nowhere comes a gust of wind
“breathe of fresh air” you hope
is there a crack in the concrete? 

your lungs expand, you open your eyes wide
you clench your fists
a chance no fight or flight
Then wind sweeps you off of your feet
you fall,
your body feels the chill of concrete floor
you can taste blood though you're not bleeding
your faith is running low, your hope receding. 

yet you find strength and pull yourself back up
you swallow, you are ready to attack. 
you wonder “surely, this is not the end. 
for suffering, for pain i am not meant”.

another gust of wind starts to build up
tears fill your eyes “please dont be a setback”
you whisper under your breath and you let it
lift yourself high so you can see the room
black and grey space, a prison cell of doom.
 
and suddenly like fog, the wind dissolves.
just as it came from nowhere, there it goes. 
and you fall harder, breaking all your bones. 
now you see it, you can smell your blood

you feel defeated, deafened by the thud
of your own body slammed against the floor
you cry “no more, i beg, no more”.

I cannot get through yet another storm; 
I have no faith, no will, no sails and no brawn.
I am no longer me - just a faint shadow
of what i could have been but i am shattered. 

then out of darkness, from where the winds came
hot puff of air, warm spirit of good days
wraps arms around your shoulders, helps you up
it gently places you back on your feet and stops. 

it penetrates your soul and calms your mind
it’s soft, it’s lovable, its kind.
it dries your tears and you can see
alas, there is a door in front of me.

Sit and don't make a sound;
your world's not stage-
but playground.

Paint with black and white
but don't mix;
every new shade or colour
bring hope one day you'll be fixed.

But they lie.

You will never be whole,
and pain will never subside.
Let it go, make your peace;
embrace the highest of tides
let it eat you, consume you
let it bruise and assume you
let it puncture, and pierce
may its power be fierce.

Feel it
feel sadness drown you
in desire to die;
feel it,
let it define you;
and turn your voice to faint cry.

Sit and listen,
and learn;
patiently wait for your turn;
one day the tide will back down,
and come for you
will the ground.

and I cry,
and I sob,
and I curl up inside;
and I hide,
but you find,
am I losing my mind?
I am fine,
I am well
but I feel
like im dead;
I am here,
nowhere else,
and I can't disconnect;
I am hurt
I'm in pain
and it won't go away;
tears won't dry,
they just run,
faster with every day.
Losing sight,
dim the light;
no, I don't want to see,
let me die,
bury deep,
ill return
in your sleep.

when in my head i go insane;
when thoughts are tangled, lost in blame;
when paranoia's boiling blood;
when I consider all ways out;
when I can trust what isn't real;
when smallest thing is a big deal;
when i feel like the world is crushing;
collapsing right under my feet;
when desperation's gripping tightly
me by the throat and i lose sleep;
when overthinking cant be stopped;
and of all sanity and clarity im robbed;
when pain inside's too much to bear
and my hopes turn into despear
he understands, he doesn't mind
he walks right by me, not behind;
he knows that in my teary eyes
hide years of love and sacrifice;
he tells me what i need to hear
to win this war against my fear;
he understands, he doesn't mind;
when sun's too bright but i need light
when world's unfair - he's still so kind;
he says he loves me when i seem
be drowning in my own dark beam;
he talks about me, how he's keen;
alas
he lives inside my dream.

For 25 years now
There hasn’t been a day;
When I’d stop searching for the same light
That once led my astray.

Sometimes the light would burn me
As I reach towards the source
And other times
It’d blind me
Without slightest remorse.

We’re all looking for something
Are we ever complete
If someone’s keeping score could you
Add just one more defeat

I see hope in what scares you
What you’d never think of
Falling asleep on train tracks
Or  turning up gas stove.

Those who know love are happy
It’s such a wasteful claim
I know, I’ve been to heaven
It makes hell seem  so tame.

For 25 more years I
Will search for hand to hold.
Falling asleep on train tracks
Ignoring all I’m told.

he needs me more than i will ever know;
what i am thinking of he asks a hundred times in row;
he doesn't let me go;
his grip is tight.
and most of all he's scared of letting go at night...
when darkness falls he draws me to his chest
and that for me has now become
the only place, my shelter, where i rest;
he cares, and never says there is no time to
pick up the phone, or think about me just a second;
he never says i am the last thing on his mind
and by his voice into my little hell im beckoned.
the pills i take save me from losing what i've got;
they are antibiotics, alas, poison, although antidote.
and in the morning when we wake
side by side of the other, a mistake?
i fear he disappears and never says a word.
but he needs me more than i'll ever know.
he draws me closer,
asks me if im happy ten times in a row;
but when we part
he speaks to me no more...

he doesnt mind the pills beside my bed;
and i never wished i'd loved someone else instead;
we both are parts of one whole, left and right
to my deaf ears- he's hearing;
to his blindness i am sight.

he doesnt mind me screaming when the clock stops;
he wipes the tears off of my face with his;
i'd never thought i'd know what it is like to not be hopeless
i never thought i'd call what i feel bliss.

he takes my hand and guides me to a place
where i have never been before;
and at his pace
i notice every detail, every layer to the core
the air i breathe in is enough- i need no more.

he doesnt mind the pills beside my bed
he looks so closely at the noose around my neck;
he listens closely when the wine invades my head
he is the warmth when i am cold and i cant feel
a thing;
he loves me.
he adores me.
he's not real...

you have the most beautiful smile;
the softest voice
of all i know;
your tears- are liquid gold;
your dreams inspire;
and i wish it was my hand you would hold.

Kind hearts aren't meant to be used
Tender skin shouldn't carry a bruise.
Airy lungs - not for smoke,
But what I carry I broke,
And Ive burnt every safety fuse.

Universe is for all not for one
And our work although started-
It will never be done;
Spirit living in every
Shouldn't sleep, shouldn't rest
What I treasured and carried
Has been lost or misplaced.

Smiles meant to be honest
Not forced through teary eyes
Laughter is sign of happiness
Not despair in disguise.

If we all think the same
If we play the same game
Why are rules for each different
Why Am I not let play.

You are my autumn leaves
My winter snow
You are light summer breeze
Before the storm.
You are light rain
So quickly growing heavy
You are the hurricane
That ruins all I carry.
You are the book I've read too many times
You are the perfect ending to love story
So tragic so heart breaking , filled with crimes
So perfect- you could be a saint, your soul so holy.
You are the cold that I feel in my bones
In summer heat
You are the fire burning deep inside my heart.
You are my ally, I accept defeat
You are the psychic and I'm just a card.

i wish i held you closer than my heart;
my words were sensible from very start
i wish;
and everyday i wish i held your hand;
as i can feel my inadvertent end.

my locomotive lost its course and i am lost
my values are sold at no cost;
my pain gets worse.

i wish i held you closer than my fears;
my thoughts were thoughtless, vision wasnt clear.
now im regretting being who i am
now i am dreading as i face my inadvertent end.

will you be my silence?
will you be my rope?
that i'd hold on to so tightly  
as i let go of hope.

will you be my nightmare?
wake me up from good dreams;
will you be my last drag
before i seize to exist.

i want you to replace
all the good and the bad
i want you to take place
of what i have and what had.
i want you to be the air,
i want you to be the sun
the only voice i can hear
when i can hear no more sound.
the only touch i react to
when flesh come off of my bones
and be the darkness i enter
as i fall deeper in love.

They run away like I am fire;
They never look back
As if I were an evil tide, dengerous wire;
As if I were preparing to attack.

They run away and hide, never return;
While i am waiting patiently my turn
all I ever believed fades into darkness
the only light I see- is my hopes burn.

A wise man said-
Try loving thyself for a change instead.
But everything tastes different
And looks duller;
The smells are so mandaine-
theres none at all at times.

They run away as if I'm fire
Stil id take blame for their horrible crimes.

i dont know how to feel
i dont know what to do
i dont know your face even
though i thought i knew you.

i am choking on smoke
we are equally broke
and now i am divided in two.

what if i loved you a little bit more?
if I blocked all ways in
but gave you key to main door;
what if my heart beat a little bit faster?
would i slow down the time
'fore inadvertent disaster?

What if my hand was a bit closer to yours
what if my ships came to your abandoned shores;
what if i travelled every day hundred miles
through the mountains and oceans
passing cages with lions;
would you love me a little,
would you love me some more?
if i broke all my bones
would you love me at all?

you are my paper-cut
wound that wont heal;
you are the water in my lungs
my Achilles' heel.

around my neck- tight noose;
my quiet self abuse;
my lucid dream-
my silent scream;
and faulty safety fuse.

If I could have a different face
Spend days and nights at different pace
if only I could change my features,
Lines and curves;
Not treat what I was given like a curse
If I might just believe there is someone
For everyone;
There is a second missing piece to shattered souls
If I could have a different personality
And be less goofy, better not at all...

I would be happy.

you're not enough
i hear them say
they call my bluff
pronounce insane.
you're not enough
i sense them think
i see through their eyes
even at fastest blink.
you're not enough
and your voice's not a song
no one ever asked me
need i a "sing-along"?

sometimes it's healthy to just sit in silence
focus on your body and your thoughts
notice sounds around you when no body
is tearing you apart or holding you by throat.

I love my heart to the bone
Awaking my sadness
To it's dying song.

I cry my eyes to the skull
So much so even when I am joyous
My smile is dull.

I walk my feet till they bleed;
Water and cherish ache
And all it seeds;

I loved my heart to the core
To the back of my spine
Digging wounds always sore;
And I'll never stop cradling the faith
One day you will love me til death..

Fairytales aren't meant to come true;
They are engraved into books' pages
There is no way for them to flee
From hundred thousand cages.

Many great writers burnt the scripts
To love that's never ending
Trying to make them come to life
But what's the use pretending?

I let it slip my sanity and honest,
I thought something is different in the world of  mine.
Alas the only difference between me and century long fairytales
Is lack of time.

You never promised anything
but i built castles from your sand;
and it was never what you did
but all you said.

we never saw each other in each other's eyes
we never promised to be present
not break hearts;
in love and death
in sickness, health
i took you before knew your name.
the world i made up at first sight of you
now just isnt the same.

If I had all the treasures of the world
Money, silver and pure gold
If I had all the diamonds and the coal
For 5 more hours to a day I'd trade it all.
For more love in our deeds
For more faith in beliefs
For purity in dirt
For words said that don't hurt
For travels and adventure
For dignity and virtue
For music ending wars
For endless even scores
For more life in our eyes
I'd pay required price.

trying to find myself- i lost myself;
giving away assistance- didnt notice
that I needed help;
trying to cope with pain-
neglected love;
have you ever done one or more of the above?

There was this boy
And there was this girl
For him she was carnal lust
For her he was the whole world.

He looked at her - never noticed
She struggled to look away,
For him she was unimportant
While to her he- drop of faith.

Through debris following beams
Of what life's not, but it seems;
We wander, most getting lost
But so determined to find
A soulmate, despite the  cost.

Alone we walk along sidewalks
Paths laid by others like us
Seeking and calling for someone
Who'd hear the hertz of our cries.

Clearing the driveways
Of snow, of dead leaves
Spraying with water fake lawns
To keep facade what it seems;

At last so tired and empty
At last but never at least
You find the one whose heart fills in
The beat your heart gently skips.

he ran away from what he knew
and never stopped since then;
full of regret 'bout what he blew
set his new life's main trend.

He turned down true, non-profit love
and never shared a tear;
when she sat trembling on his bed
full of remorse and fear.

He let go of his best allies
neglecting their concern;
he thought they were so full of it,
to point of no return.

now they are joyous ,married men
she is a mum of two;
and all the same he's on the run
chasing his wasted youth.

my loneliness is nothing more than thirst
my aching heart- no more than biting hunger;
just like a dog i run to every stranger
but i appear to be a wolf to every hunter.

No one will hear me howl at night,
im silent.
my cry is deaf, my cry is dry,
non violent;
so very few see diamonds in my eyes
those frozen treasures are tears in disguise.

they say keep your head up
and protect faith;
but where am i to seek this endless strength
when all around me grey, and melting, quiet
whereas i long for some sunlight and a riot.

i stepped inside the new year without you.
never thought i'd be able to;
yet here i am, sober but drunk on hopes and expectations
behind left disappointments and frustrations
i stepped inside the new year without you.

one day it will all be ok
once upon a time my will be done
even if i am long, long decayed
and i am no more but portion of time.

i know it's wrong to love you
and i shouldn't
but give me chance to change it
and i wouldn't
give me another try at making first impression
another go at faking my perfection
i'd blew it once again
i'd disappoint you
that's just the way i am
and me pretending being someone else-
there is no point to.
like class A drug i'd still inject you
shoot you under my skin into already failing system
you are the cure from clear mind, strength, and too much wisdom.
im kept with feet firm on the ground by you reminding
the love i made up in my head
so hopeful, binding,
is nothing more but product of my own imagination
and it's not fair how frequent and how fast around your axis is
my  rotation.
it seems i know what you're looking for
it seems i know exactly what you need
and i know all about your type of breed.

I don't know where I'm heading
With my head in the sand
Not the future I'm dreading
But the past in my present.

I don't know what I'm doing
With my heart on my sleeve
You can witness me break
Dive in in disbelief.

I don't know where I'm heading
Maybe I'm standing still
Not the pain I am dreading
But not being able to feel.

some innocence better not pled
some hearts are better left untouched
when young love's buried in the sand
it all may seem a bit too much.
some people better never met
some words are better left unsaid
and lover's warmth against your skin
is better kept when kept within.

it's better not to see or hear
dissolve rather than disappear
and aspirations locked inside
and fate is better faced with pride.
young lovers beware of the curse
the one replacing universe
one day'll explode and leave black hole
with nothing left safe sound or whole.

There comes the time when reality hits you
It crashes illusions and ***** on your dreams too
Like tornado it grabs you, lifts you up in the air
Throws from side to side, wrecks you
While greedy onlookers stare.
There comes this feeling of emptiness,
Filling with oceans your eyes
And in the arms of a friend
You enter place where hope dies.

nothing can keep me occupied
im bored of all i love
his eyes are light somewhere deep down
and off the edge im shoved.
restless im pacing round the room
no corner to escape
dont want to sit, no strength to stand
and fainting comes so soon
the noose inside my chest is spiked
and off my feet im swooshed
no turning back, no drinking less
as off the brink im pushed.

i tried to make it work
i gave him all:
my aspirations, inspiration
body, soul.

With nothing left
im left;
and nothing's right.
brighter than hell
burn my days into one
lonely cold night.

I gave you one third of my life
my thoughts my tears;
my smiles, my believes;
my deepest fears;

And i will give you seventy years more
until the world ends,
by time we no more.
the day might come you wake up
with the other
the other will take off your shirts and head.
and you'll be joyful
tender, caring
and never wish 't was me instead.

and maybe after all this time
you're still not mine;
and it may hurt me more than ever;
after seven years i lose track of time
as into plague turns this withstanding fever.

last time we talked it didn't end so well;
and since i've gone through waters high, and hell;
since then i've grown, i've learnt,
could be i have recovered;
last time we talked something inside me died,
but something better since then i've discovered.
no longer waiting for a word from you, a sign;
i don't wake up mid night to loud voices inside;
last time we talked it might not ended well;
enchanted, fooled me for a while, broke the spell;
like ghost you haunt me, live my days beside me;
though i ignore, and try to push aside thee;
you come down and you pour like summer rain
you mess my hair up, tangle thoughts inside my brain;
you bury me and fill my lungs with sand;
your blizzards never knew how to withstand.
one day i will wake up, your name'll sound unfamiliar;
one day your face will be a face of just another passing stranger
last time we talked was last time i felt fearful
now i feel safe, outside the zone of danger.

Your heart will break over and over
When you meet one
Who blows your cover;
The world will end with every morning
To be reborn through pain and mourning.
Cold water burns your skin like fire
But flames won't leave even a mark
Because compared to inside sorrow
A knife that sticks out of your back
Is safer.
A gun that's being held to my head
A noose tired firmly round my neck
Poison in coffee when days start
I'd rather choose over your heart.

think back to when somebody broke your heart
and i immediately thought about the times
we spent apart.
and instantly i went back to the place
outside train station, lone, exhausted, drained.
when i awaited you for hours, prayed you'd come
indifferent, restraining, murky, calm
you said: 'yeah, i'll catch you next time".
my feelings take me back every night
to when i saw you first across the room
and thought i'd never like all what you had
and now, to avoid all you've never touched i'm doomed.
think back to when somebody crashed your hopes
and made you feel like you're a worthless idiot.
you always wanted what i never got
and i will never love what you are not.

i feel like im trapped in a cage
and the lock's getting tougher
as i rave in sheer rage
i feel like im wearing a vest
that is too tight to breathe in,
as it crushes my chest.
the hight never scared me at all
and i've always looked up
traced those firm concrete walls
all the way to the skies
i mistook them for paths
guiding me to the heaven
while hell was where i was.
I could never imagine
how much i'd fall for your gaze
how i'd search for your figure
in this foreign thick haze.
I could never envision
i'd get to taste your stiff lips
wrap my arms round your body
and let go of my shield.
you fall silent for months
nonchalant and unworried
whilst my days are now one
my steps no longer solid.
and im thinking i could
just get rid of you now.
block your way back into
my life.
but if you disappear,
everything i live for
all my hopes, expectations
stay behind the closed door
on the same side as you.

i thought i got what i wanted
why do i feel like a ghost?
yet im haunted
there's no place for my soul to rest
there's no place for my heart to beat
i feel im doing my very best
yet im failing, i suffer defeat.
i though i got what i wanted
turns out i lost the little i had
never gained happines i was after
now i fight with myself in my head.  
and no cigarette will make it easy
and no wine will release me from pain
now im on the road too hard to travel
where i am i dont want to remain.
where im from there's no more room for my dreams
no more space for my ego, my thoughts
where do i go, what door do i knock on
where they'll take my pure love and my faults.

you're stronger than you think
i know that.
your heart will break then heal
in any light.  
i know you're scared and ready to give in
and there's a soul tearing, skin- crawling howl within
one or two days allow yourself to die
let go, if should tell your goodbyes
do what you need when life's tearing you up
but then, when skies clear up,
get back on track.

i thought life would be easy
then you came around
i quickly fell off cloud 9
and hit the ground.

I believed knights were real and
i just might meet the one
i thought life would be like a dream
but
then you came around.

in my broken heart there is no light
every day like new it used to ignite
seasons change and days go by, I
wish i'd never looked into your eyes.

I will be nice to you, be nice to me
I will heal all your wounds, and they won't bleed
And share your pain I will
And share your dark
Your weak your desperate disappointed
Ill take care of that.

My life
Is burning in a fire;
Created by my
Hopes
And
Endless
Love.

they say if you want to be silent
to run away and disappear with time;
you probably ache to be noticed, seen, acknowledged
you're likely to want to be simply found.

the more you long for something
more you venture
into the darkness following its trace;
the more you long for something
more adventure
you face,
as well as being misplaced.

this one will be indeed the final one
my friends mentioned the sadness in my eyes
i thought i'd hidden.
but alas they sensed there must be a man
who by i was so deeply bitten.
and i believed i had disguised the agony
the fire's flames i thought i'd covered well enough
turns out while i was getting burnt so violently
they saw the blaze, got burnt but called my bluff.
im writing and my fingers bleed so eagerly
everything i have held locked inside me for so long
finds ways to escape armour i've built, now i see
his touch, his words have sinister, dark tone.
I thank the fate, and God, and my decisions
i thank the bravery i had to see him then
i got last kiss goodbye and watched him leave me
im grateful for the time that we had spent.
this one will be indeed the final one
i will make sure i wont relapse again
and if there is, just like me here, someone
who thinks that it is harmless to pretend
and hope they'll change their mind
their ways, their days
you're in for years of torment, sleepless nights
you aint a princess and there are no knights.

When I run out of air and I can't breathe
When I lose my eye sight, forget the sleep
And mother tongue will make no sense to me
I'll still remember you like day before
And deeply rue I'd spent my days ashore.

The songs I listen to demand: dive in, jump in, depart.
They call for an uprising and a riot
But I feel safer in my home,
Where quiet.

When I run out of air and I can't breathe
When I lose all I had including thee
And will be left with aches and pains and bitter thoughts
i'll pay to feel your touch and hear your voice.

i got myself in such a mess
he likes it like i like it
im impressed.
he does it how i want it
all right moves
the pose the hips the touch
my clothes come loose.
he bites but doesnt bark
his kisses leave skin burning
i take him like a drug
each morning.